‘Don’t fear baby, cause you and me are golden…’ – Sia

.

“Appa?”

It was like walking out of studio and into the world of dream, as he found his husband standing in the hallway wearing black polo shirt and hipster jeans.

“Hey, love.”

Luhan bit his bottom lip, blamed it to the tall frameless window across Kai and the perfect position of daylight in which made his husband basked in glorious radiance and made the genuine smile struck him ten thousands harsher with ridiculous thumps clenched his poor heart.

He knew he was one hell of lucky boy to marry Kai, yet even now it still seemed so surreal.

“What are you doing here?” He immediately approached the man, eyes blinded from anything else and lips stretched in automatic giddy squeal. He didn’t even aware there’s smudge of paint on his cheek until Kai wiped it for him with a warm thumb, heated his face in blended pinkness and orange. He pouted as he glanced at the glass and found his embarrassingly messy hair and sweaty face. “I’m sorry Appa you’ve had to see me like this!” he whined when Kai tried to reassure him it’s fine, he’s still the iest mother on earth –which only added more fuel into the burning red on his ashamed face.

“Just wait it until we’re home. I’m gonna be at my best again!”

 “Don’t say that.” Kai cupped his face and let their nose bumped, even though there are still people in the hallway including some curious ones from Luhan’s class. “Don’t make it sounds like I’m a shallow man to love you with exception.” God, was there any boundary for the sweetness? Or was it only Luhan who was too in love, for being hypersensitive and overly joyous at such simple statement?

They’re so dangerously intimate and occupied in each other presence this way, but when Luhan thought Kai would kiss him, the man only retreated and back to lean his tall and built figure on the decorated wall next to the studio, all in while wearing the most handsome grin on Earth -in Luhan version. “So,” the man posed coy and cheeky -flexing the delicious biceps by stuffing the palms into jeans pocket- like an underwear model, “Your place or mine?”

“What do you mean, we live to-…” –gether… and he exploded into nuclear sized blush, because Kai smirked so gorgeously when the man acted all high and mighty.  

Screw it, his husband is , though Luhan only bit his bottom lip to hold this overflowing feeling tried to flood out of his system. “So…” he cleared his throat, changed the topic while looking up into his husband’s eyes. His heart fluttered even more that he always loved the idea of having taller husband because he loved the feeling when he had to crane his neck to talk to Kai. He felt protected and secured by their size difference.

Besides, Kai’s lips were very alluring from this point of view.

“You don’t go to work, Appa?” he asked.

“Nah I'm taking a week off.” Kai circled his bigger arm around luhan waist, obvious to anyone else who stared at them in mix of judgment. “Are you done for class today, baby? I can wait you at the cafeteria or somewhere, and then we picked Ruka together, kay?”

As if Luhan would let such hot stuff wander alone in his campus. What if someone hit on his perfectly sculpted, gentle-hearted husband? “No no no, I'm done for today.” and when Kai gave him a playful judging look, Luhan voice almost cracked as he announced, “It's true!”

The dark orbs pierced on him, while the sheepish smile expanded into an airy laugh, twisted his stomach in a blissful agony because Kai was always knew his every deceit or excuses. It formed pout on his own lips, it scrunched his face for no fair play in between them since it wasn’t easy for Luhan to read Kai as the man did to him. Especially when Kai didn’t scold him and only said, “you’re so adorable, Kim Luhan.” added with a wide grin and dirty wink.

Who wouldn’t melt into mush against that?

“Lay said you had one more class, so I’ll wait. It won’t take all day, rite?”

“That traitor.” Luhan cursed under his breath, “how could he know my schedule and why do you talk to him? You can see my schedule on your appointment board, Appa, no need to bother asking that bitc-…” and he was cut by a gentle grasp on his shoulder, startling him from an endless rant and made him jolted in anxiety because Kai’s gaze turned so fierce and intense.

“He’s your friend.” Kai said softly, “he’s more familiar to you –to us- than your own family so please be kind to him, or to Suho and Minnie. You only have them, after all.” Luhan felt so ashamed and happy in the same time, shame because here he was, almost a year became a wife yet he’s still so whiny and childish, happy because Kai was so mature, the man reminded him to sober up in the simplest way, without any hint of rage or irritation in Kai’s tone. “Besides, you put your last semester schedule, Umma, right next your encouraging posts-it about your weight-loss program and post-maternal diets…” and that’s how his admiration to his husband ended when the man shamelessly discussing about his determination plan to be y mom, “to tell the truth, I don’t actually care how you looked as long as you wanted me.”

“Appaaa!” Luhan hissed in embarrassment, “How could you just say that bluntly! Of course I want you, not only before, but also now and all the time!”

Kai chuckled again, “well, I’m just saying. You can do all those exercises as you wished, but please, do it not to impress me, only because it’ll rejuvenate your health and it made you happy.” Before he shed tears and embarrassed himself more for public affection, Kai gave him a brief hug, not enough to put the mess in his head back in order but since this is his husband, Luhan used the given moment to enjoy Kai’s musky scent and furnace warmth.

“Come on, go back to your class. Meet me later in coffee shop, kay?”

In a very slow motion, Luhan forced to untangle himself from Kai and the man squeezed his both palm reassuringly before pecked his lips, light and chaste, enough to make him flustered at how surreal was their marriage life.

*

Surreal.

Right, this must be a dream.

“Oh, you’re here.”

Here he stood in front of Jin’s apartment while the said boy opened the door while muttering sorry. Luhan almost didn’t hear it, because his gaze fixed on the figure sitting in the living room. His heart trembled in anxiety yet strangely when his gaze met with his mother’s cold eyes, he didn’t feel frightened anymore.

Instead he growled under his breath, his eyes focused to Ruka’s small form cuddled inside Mum’s arm.

Did Mum ever held a baby, before? If so, why Luhan never felt that warm around her? Why he never felt loved? As far as he remembered, he was raised by his auntie -Sehun and Seokjin’s mom- and never once mum touched him except to hit him or slap him for any failure he was born with. Now he saw Mum reclined on the sofa, holding his son with such comfort after all her exclamation about cutting Luhan from her blood line and such, sure Luhan couldn’t just help it to have his heart overflowed with seething rage and jealousy.

Who didn't want to be loved by their parents?

“Why are you here?” He approached her, voiced his anger through gritted teeth while his hands itched to snatch Ruka away from her. But then again, Luhan felt no fear against her, despite she hurt him over and again, he ignored all the bleeding in order to focus on confronting Mrs.Xi. “I thought you don’t want to be related to me, anymore.”

“But you’re just giving birth.” His mother smiled darkly, “and I want to see your baby.”

Luhan clenched his palms, he really wanted to take his son from her but that will be childish and stupid move against his mum. He was tired plagued as dumb. “You saw him. Please leave.”

“Is this what you’ll become?” Mrs.Xi gazed at Ruka and Luhan loathed to see admiration and wonder in the woman’s gaze. the stomach twist never left him, only raised with clouding worry of what if his mother took interest in his son and took Ruka away from him. She already said to not acknowledge Ruka as her grandson but what if she changed her mind? Luhan didn’t want Ruka to grow up bearing the same burden and going through the same hell like him. “You’ll speak up against me and taught your son to be rebellious? Don’t you want to be a better mother for him?”

Luhan took a deep breath, “of course I want to be a good mother to him.” he sighed in defeat, before he took a seat next to his mother, almost like slumped, “but I don’t have good example. In fact, I’m really surprised you can hold a baby. I thought…” he didn’t continue his words because he was so close to cry now. Why he was such a crybaby?

“I love your father, you know.”

Wait... what?!

He turned at his mother in disbelief.

“Well I used to.” his mother kept staring at Ruka, “I never love, never intended to because to me it’s a nuisance. But then I met your father and he was very kind to me I think it’s okay to love him.” Luhan was so awestruck with the sudden reveal of his mother’s past, he wasn’t aware Jin approached them with a tray of tea, before the boy took over Ruka from his mother so they could talk in private.

Mrs.Xi frowned, “then he proposed the ‘marriage for convenience’ contract and made me felt like a , that jerk. To think I let him sleep with me is still giving me nightmares.” She scowled at the reminiscent before she glanced at him, “I don’t really like you, though I am glad you look alike me. At least you won’t remind me of him.”

Luhan was left speechless, to find out so his mother used to have a heart but she threw it away just so she didn’t have to bother getting heartbreak anymore. “Then…” he muttered, “then why you’re so strict to me?” why you don’t like me? That was his real question, but it was so hard to ask without him shedding into tears. Why, he always hoped to be loved by her, he even believed her harsh personality was just to make him into a tough mother.

She quirked a sarcastic smile, “You can’t figure it out, already? How dumb.” The word triggered the rage to resurface but then his mother patted his cheeks and immediately he was melt into her warmth. Why she was so warmth if she was so cold and heartless?

“I want you to hate me.”

“I don’t want to hate you.” Luhan choked a sob. “You’re my mother.”

She sighed, “You’re also a mother now.” her tone was flat and emotionless but somehow Luhan felt she was trying to cheer him up. and that only pour more tears to fall on him because he really appreciated it, he really wanted to hear these words of acknowledgement from her. He wanted to be the best mother for Ruka, and now his mum can see his effort, “Don’t be a dumb.”

“I’m not stupid.” He hissed through his sob.

“I know.” She patted her head and stood, intended to take her leave just like that, after she wrecked him enough, “send my regard to your husband, tell him if he ever be a jerk to you, I’ll cut him into pieces and feed him to his parents.”

“No he won’t. He loved me.” Luhan grumbled, though his heart swelled when he saw his mum smiled gleamingly and he needed no confirmation to understand she was giving him her bless. “Why you’re such a sadist, Mum…”

“I can’t change who I am, so why I have to change because of you?” the harshness was still there, of course, why again Luhan had to test her patience anyway. He said nothing more and sniffed away his tears as he also stood and followed his mother to the door.

“You are welcome to visit us, Mum.”

“No, thank you.”

Luhan stared at her back with a bittersweet smile, “is it because of Ruka? I bet he was so cute you’re just melt like- ouch!” and that’s it, he got a smack on his head, but now it didn’t felt as hurt as it should. It almost endearing that he gave his mum a sheepish smile, “I love you, mum.”

“Stupid.”

And that’s the last thing his mum said before the door slammed shut.

Luhan dropped on his , finally lost all his energy as he sighed out loud. What a menacing person, he thought mentally, while his hand traced his left chest. His heart beat was still pounding harshly and his head dizzy from feeling too much in a single moment.  

“Are you okay, I’m sorry but Auntie threatened to beat me up if I don’t let her in…” Jin approached him and gave him a hand, “did she hurt you?” the boy asked warily.

Both of them knew how hard it was to grow up as mother, especially when they had to be the part of Xi Household. But Luhan was set free now, and so he only gave his cousin a wide smile as he took Jin’s offering hand, “I’m good. She’s just giving her bless.” And to Jin’s shocked expression Luhan added, “I bet Ruka’s cuteness can conquer the entire universe.”

“Oh, Luhan.” Jin rushed to hug him, crying in happiness as the boy did so, “that was great!”

Yeah, that was great, Luhan repeated in his heart, hugging his cousin back as his heart calmed again, and now only filled with joy.

He couldn’t wait to tell his husband.

*

ok, how was it?