“Chanyeol!”
 
The shout of my name startled me, waking me from my daydreaming in the middle of dress rehearsal.
 
“I’m sorry, Chanyeol, but would you please try to focus a little more? I feel like you’re not listening to anything I’m saying,” Suho asked me gently, his voice lined with worry. Everyone stared at him for a second, trying to process what had just happened. This was me, Park Chanyeol, he was talking about. I may have joked around, laughed, and played around with the other members during break time, but once practice began, I always listened and paid attention.

I was never unfocused.


But on that day, I was.

 
I nodded ashamedly and tried my best to keep from getting distracted, but it was just so hard. I could barely find any motivation to practice anymore. It just didn’t really matter, did it? No matter what I did, the fans would commend me for my work. They didn’t really care about how well I actually performed, as long I kept on smiling, it would seem as if I was trying my best, and enjoying it too.


Even if I wasn’t.

As long as I kept smiling, nothing else mattered.
 


What was the point?

 
What was the point of being a singer if I never got to sing anyway? I loved being a rapper, and I knew I was rather good at rapping, but I couldn’t help having bigger dreams. To be an all-around entertainer. I wanted to be able to sing, to dance, and to rap, but I could only do one of the three.

What was the point of working hard if I could never earn the chance to improve? They hardly ever gave me the chance to sing, and every time I tried my best to dance, I was always teased and laughed at.

So I wasn’t as good at singing as Baekhyun or Kyungsoo or Chen.

So I wasn’t as good at dancing as Kai or Lay or Sehun.

I was reminded of this every single day. And I was never given a chance to change it.



It wasn’t their fault. But I couldn’t help it.


Resentment raged in my mind, and I always had to do whatever I could to hide it.


And I was good at hiding it, too.
 

During break, my good friend Do Kyungsoo wandered over to my side, and asked me how I was doing, why I had lost my attention earlier. I was grateful for his concern, but when I smiled and told him I was just daydreaming and trying to figure out my plans for the weekend, Kyungsoo, being the gullible, benevolent person he was, believed my story.

He was the first to come to my side, worried for me.

But he wasn’t the last to fall for my deceits.


They always believed me.

 

And that only made it easier to lie.

 

By the end of practice, I had laughed and smiled and chatted with my friends like usual, a seemingly natural grin remained successfully plastered across my face the entire time. I had always had a talent for doing that… pretending to smile.
 
As I entered the elevator, another one of my naïve friends, Luhan, caught up to me and rode downstairs with me, even holding the doors open so I could step outside first. Luhan was a considerate friend, and even though he wasn’t labeled the “happy virus” like I was, he was one of the nicest people I knew, and I oftentimes saw him smiling as well.
 

Only, I think his smiles were genuine.
 

Of course, I can never be sure, though.
 

After we had walked out of the building, our brief conversation having been pointless and meaningless, Luhan had to turn in the opposite direction to head home, so we parted ways as normal. Before he left, he gave me a small wave goodbye, and I smiled back.


Sometimes, it really hurt to smile so much.

 
Wandering down the street, I spotted Baekhyun walking ahead of me, and I considered calling out to him.

Considered, but didn’t.

It would just be too much of a hassle, and plus, then I would have to smile again when I greeted him. It would just take too much effort to force myself to act happy any longer.
 
As time progressed, I soon realized that Baekhyun wasn’t headed in his usual direction. Otherwise, I wouldn’t still be walking behind him. I wasn’t really sure what was going on, but by this point, I was only one turn away from my house, so I wasn’t going to bother with any incessant questions. I decided I might as well just go home.
 
When I turned down that last street, I could finally see my house at the end of the block. But to my surprise, Baekhyun had disappeared. Shrugging, I continued on, walking up the steps to my front door without giving his disappearance another thought. But just as I unlocked the door, a pai