“I keep having nightmares about you.”

“What happens in them?”

“Your chest rises and falls… and then you disappear, you leave me behind.”

“That’s a stupid dream.”

“Nightmare… it’s a nightmare. Don’t disappear.”

He feels cold although, he knows of the warmth resonating off of WuFan. That’s the problem; he knows that WuFan is here and alive…but that stupid dream, this was only the first time.

“Are you scared, Zitao?” He murmurs, wrapping his arms and pulling him closer.

Still cold, so cold he feels as though there is ice in the sheets and his body.

“Yes…” He whispers, gripping WuFan’s arms with desperation. “I am petrified.”

**                    

“I want to sink down, under the sea. It seems relaxing.” Zitao stares at the ocean longingly. The sound of the waves crashing on the banks barely filling the empty space help Zitao realize that WuFan has gone to the city. He’s with Chanyeol. At the moment, he is with Jongin while Sehun, Luhan, and the others are inside.

“Yeah… until the water pressure gets to be too much, then its bye bye Zitao.” Jongin mentions. He hears him sigh, and complain. “All of you have been so upset lately, isn’t it great to be on vacation?”

Zitao merely nods before the sound of the plastic chair is knocked back, and the screen door opens and closes. He doesn’t look back at Jongin, not even for a moment. He already knows that he is gone. He disappeared inside, and the sounds of happy laughter follows.

Everyone likes Jongin, just as much as they all like Sehun. They’re the open maknaes, but Zitao likes to be alone. He wants to be alone, and to give in to further seclusion he steps down onto the beach.

The sand is warm, just like the sun. It wriggles in between his toes and the sensation is enough to make him laugh. His laugh is quiet, and a breeze calmly caresses him. He thinks about his earlier statement and wonders if he should find out. The motivation to go leaves his body quickly as the sound of a familiar voice is heard.

“Are you scared, Zitao?”

“Petrified.” His breathing picks up. “WuFan… I’m petrified!” He wants to cry, little sobs to escape his solemn body. He sinks, breathing deeply sinking into the warm sand. He doesn’t cry, he stares at the back door and listens to the ocean waves crashing along the banks.

 **

“Nightmare… it’s a nightmare…”

He’s awake, pretending to be asleep. WuFan shakes him gently, and Zitao wakes to find himself in the bedroom that they share. He smiles when he sees WuFan.

“Sleeping on the beach… that is something new.” He says, pulling his shirt off. “Usually I find you sleeping in the kitchen, or maybe in Jongin’s room. Sometimes in Junmyeon’s room, but-”

“Did you take me back?” Zitao thought happily of being picked up by such strong arms. Happily, he had thought happily.

“No.” He shakes his head and he can’t help but feel his heart drop. “Junmyeon did, but he dropped you off on the couch.” He climbs into bed, and pulls Zitao close to him. “You smell like sand.” He buries his face into his shirt, and hums softly. 

Sleep didn’t come easy, and in fact, it never came. WuFan fell asleep in a matter of minutes, while Zitao was too petrified of the oncoming nights filled with endless nightmares of disappearing love. It was dissipating itself, and soon enough even the rumble of WuFan’s chest while Zitao lay atop of him wasn’t enough to get Zitao to even show him a glimpse of a smile.

                 **                                   

Something was wrong, very wrong. He was losing motivation, all over some stupid dream. Maybe he needed to delve deeper, and find him. Maybe he was lost somewhere, and calling out to him. WuFan thought of this one the night that Tao had fallen asleep, the dark circles under his eyes had gone from subtle to apparent.

He sat with his legs under his chin; usually he wasn’t like this… he didn’t… think. It wasn’t him, he never thought until something was brought up for the action to be relevant. The dream only happened a few nights ago, but it seemed that in those short days Zitao became a lot less social, and then he began refusing to eat. The stress was getting to him.

Although not usually observant, WuFan was always observant of Zitao. He noticed the way he’d go out to the beach, sit down, and stare for hours. He noticed the way Zitao would now avert his eyes when he tried to look at him. Now, he could look at him… but not the way he wanted to. He wanted to really look at him, not watch him as his eyes were always guarded usually by himself, were now by his eyelids. He didn’t want Zitao to be transparent, and Zitao didn’t want him like that either.

The tension that hung between them now could be cut with a butter knife. It could be hacked away at until nothing was left, but a dull throb and an ache.

**

Summer is wasting away… what are you doing Zitao?

He knows this, or rather he’s known this; all things come to an inevitable end. In this case it was the summer, fall would roll its way around and then… bam. Things would get busy. They would all get busy; either heading off for school or work and then communications would get tougher, days longer and nights shorter.

Zitao thinks of this as he walks down the beach to his now usual spot, his stomach rumbles and he can’t bear the thought of getting up. His irregular sleeping patterns were showing the dark circles under his eyes, the irritability, and the general loss of motivation. What was going on? Was he going to forever be wrecked by a dream with a near impossible outcome? Was this it for him..?

“Tao,” he hears his name. “Eat.” Someone is now sitting in front of him, holding up food that Zitao doesn’t bother to look at. The person in front of him is WuFan. “Kyungsoo made this for you,” Zitao still doesn’t look at him, his stomach turning. A hand touches his chin and tilts his head to look at him. WuFan is all there, not gone, not disappearing into thin air. “Why won’t you look at me anymore,” He asks in all sincerity, “Answer me, now.”

What is he supposed to say? Is he supposed to rush out melodramatic words or be completely blunt? Is he supposed to grab WuFan and kiss him desperately, or eat the food he is offering? He swallows, slow and steady, he is ready to scream out and tell him. Desperation is shown through his eyes, not only his but the other part of him is reaching out to hold him. But this is all he says, as if the cage was locked up again or his brain was clicked a different way:

“Don’t disappear.”

**

It’s a whole week before Zitao willingly pulls out of bed. Today was the day; he had fallen asleep the night before. No dream, no nightmare, it was filled with blissful peace and nothing. He slept in, trying to catch up to lost sleep. It’s refreshing that WuFan is awaking along with him, no longer trying to find Zitao at 5 in the morning.

But something still feels wrong, he feels… half empty. Like maybe the sun doesn’t shine as bright anymore, or maybe Chanyeol’s laugh is different. Before he knows it, he’s off to the beach, to his world off to be alone. But WuFan is following, hand placed in Tao’s and they walk the banks together.

Gentle squeezes surge him up with warmth. “The sky isn’t as blue as it usually is… or am I seeing it wrong?” He asks when they sit in their usual spot, they’ve decided that it should be not too far from the house but not too close.

He feels himself being brought closer, and his heart flutters or a moment. “Are you happy, Zitao?” He is asked this as a kiss is placed upon his forehead. He nods slowly and squeezes his eyes shut. “I won’t disappear. I promise you.”

Zitao smiles.

**

Seashells are a great metaphor for Zitao; this is what WuFan thinks while he stares at the collected shells that sprawled across the dresser. They are beautiful, but inside they are empty. They are also fragile, ready to break and crash into a million pieces. In that way they need love and care from someone else or something else, they need something to become one with. This is what WuFan wants; he wants to become one with Zitao.

He is asleep, sleeping peacefully; he is courageous for going to bed so easily. WuFan brushes away his hair and places a kiss on his forehead. “Please don’t dream of me tonight, unless your dreams are filled with love.” He wishes this while he watches him sleep. He has begun to stop sleeping when Zitao does. He wants to be there if he wakes up, sweaty and upset, heart racing and heavy breathing. He wants to do many things, but there is one thing he wants to do the most.

“I want to fix you.”

**

WuFan is sleeping, and his chest rises and falls. And before Zitao’s eyes his chest begins to cave. He begins to crumble. Zitao begins to cry and WuFan disappears.

This is where the nightmare should cease, but that doesn’t happen.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

He is shaken awake but by a familiar face now, this is the fourth time. The face is Lu Han or is it… Sehun or Xiumin? All he knows is that his person is desperately trying to remove the binds that hold him to this dream.

Repeat.

Sweaty with heavy breathing, he sobs openly into the arms already holding onto him. “Don’t disappear, don’t disappear,” he whispers this until he is sure that there is nothing else he could possibly portray.

He is soon lulled back to sleep by the reassuring voice that tells him clearly, “I am here. I am here, I will never disappear.” He is rocked back and forth slowly, just like an infant held in the arms of his only prison.