Have you ever thought about the world and seemed to grow tired of it no matter what it threw at you? Have you ever wondered what it would be life if you were someone different? Or have you ever given up all hope without a single thought and wanted to sleep in eternal darkness right there and then?

No? That’s a shame.

Because you won’t be able to relate to me. You’ll only end up pitying me. You’ll end up locking me away from your world. You won’t understand what I’m going through. You’ll end up saying, “Oh it’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it.”

Like hell I will.

It’s people like that who end up saying the most selfish and thoughtless things like that that will end up putting people like me in a hopeless state while we willow in self-pity. What a whole load of bull I’ve been living all my life.

I thought if you loved someone you were suppose to give it your all in order to make that one person happy.

I believed that I only needed the praises and concern from the people I loved in order to move on.

I fooled myself to think that the world would get better for people like me, so all I had to do was hold still and wait for that light.

Well, want to know something?

The crap I’ve been teaching myself and making myself believe all came down to a shatter.

Why?

Isn’t it simple enough for you to understand?

Because I was tired of the I was going through without a light of the world to guide me. I should’ve ended my life when I had the chance, don’t you think?

Why?

Because I was retarded enough to go find this so called “light” of mine before my entire flame went out. I was selfish, conceited and abandoned.

So, you could say my story really began when I needed a right to have myself “found”.

But honestly, I was a fool. And if I could turn back time, I would undo what I thought I wanted to do and do what I should’ve done.

End my pathetic life.

I did everything, and I mean everything, in order to have a reason to belong. I took multiple wrong turns in my life to take wrong routes. I joined a side of delinquents. I fought some people. I even injured some so badly that they were comatose. My body has consumed with things it shouldn’t have. I’ve been in multiple schools for young kids like me who’ve been in situations like I have in order to make them take a “better” route in life. I’ve been inside a jail cell. I’m even close friends with a judge, and trust me that’s not a really good thing.

Oh. But the one thing that sets me off from the rest? I’m one of the youngest members to be on this high list charged with multiple assaults, being part of a gang and murder. This high list though isn’t really high; it’s highly priced.

For my head.

For anyone who brings me in alive. Not healthy nor safe but alive, with a beating heart. That’s the whole entire definition.

It’s a wanted list. A wanted list from the government of South Korea.

Sigh. I don’t know whether this infamous thing is a good thing or not. Oh, wait. No, it’s definitely bad. So bad that I wish I was in another country right now.

Does that kind of discourage you to read on with my story? My being wanted and all these crimes. It doesn’t, right? Good.

Because I really need someone to vent out my anger, sadness, angst and even my life story to. Well, not my whole entire life story but you kind of get the picture.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes. The wanted list of South Korea.

Yeah. I’ve tried to get out of this country. Believe me. It didn’t work out so well since I ended up getting caught and being put into a jail. An actual jail cell for me to “think back on my actions” or whatnot. But I didn’t last long in that world; I was broken out by my. . . .brethren.

How did they break me out? They broke into the system and completely changed my profile into someone I wasn’t. Both ways. I took in the identity of someone else, and he took the identity of me.

You can say it was a clean slate. But the guilt didn’t really leave me. It just haunted me every single waking moment. Because I was in debt to my brethren and to the guy that gave me his portfolio. To everyone that knew me and didn’t, I became “Changjo”.

Not my first choice of a name I’d name my son, but it worked. Because then I could live freely without sneaking off into corners of the darkness hiding from the whole entire population of South Korea. Well, mostly free.

My life was in the hands of my brethren. The society of gangsters who call themselves “Shinhwa”. I seriously have no idea what that even means but it kind of gives a threat after you listen and be threatened with it multiple times. The fear of the word grows on you.

Though I’m glad I still have a life and whatnot, but devoting my every waking moment to people who could end your life just for the fun of it didn’t give me such joy. It consumed my fear and created a new one with it. A fear formed from divine hatred and darkness.

Oh, boy. Here I go again whining about nonsense you might not even want to hear about. Sorry. It’s such a habit it’s not even funny anymore. But trust me; this story is worth listening to.

Because I made a choice to stay alive and be thankful that I didn’t turn back time and end it.

Because I was found and I was loved.

Because the main character in this story isn’t me; it’s my “light”.

And how the “light” rescued me from my darkness.