Goodbye
Guilt
Guilt.
If there was one word to describe what Lee Sunho constantly felt every waking moment of his life, it is that one simple word.
How can one simple word hold so much emotion, so much gravity, that it could make a person feel so suffocated and helpless? How can one simple word constantly remind him of the things he can't have, of the person he can't love? How can one simple word have the ability to shove reality harshly to his face?
It was hard for him to be at the park like this. The very park where couples, both young and old, all hang out happily like everything was all singing birds and rainbows in their own little world. A place where they can have their private little picnic and go view the sunset together and look up at the stars while laying in each other's arms.
And it was hard, because he couldn't do any of that with the one he loves. As much as he would love to point out the colors of the sunset to his significant other and fall asleep under nature's blanket, they couldn't do it.
For the one he loves is also a man.
Was that really so wrong? Every time he asks himself this one question, he could almost hear society shout back a resounding yes. And he couldn't understand why. There was nothing different with the love they share. There was nothing different with their hearts. The only thing that was different, abonimable, was that they are both men.
"Sunho!" Park Choongjae, the one man he can't stop loving despite the immense guilt gnawing at him, came running to sit beside him a few minutes later. He immediately brightened at the sight of his lover, as he waved from where he was sitting.
"Glad you could make it." I missed you.
"Of course, something held me up though, sorry for being late." It was hard for me to come here, but I came because I had to see you. I missed you too. So much.
The subtle change in expressions and little stares that they give each other were enough to tell the other what they really wanted to say. They had perfected the art of reading each other's eyes, words and actions that they itch to convey condensed into simple stares.
They sat in silence for a few moments just watching their surroundings, watching all the couples. The distance between the two of them felt like miles, even though it wasn't more than a few inches. Choongjae longed to reach for Sunho's hand that was comfortably resting on the bench, their fingertips just a hair away from completely touching, but he knew that he couldn't. Shouldn't.
Sunho's sudden, quiet words cut through the silence like a knife and pierced through Choongjae's heart cleanly. "Choongjae... do you think all this... what we're doing... what we have... is a mistake?"
Choongjae was about to open his mouth to protest, to demand what prompted him to ask such a ridiculous question (because, no, this relationship has never been a mistake to Choongjae; Sunho was the only one who completed him and made his heart whole that no other woman or man could ever do), when he followed his gaze. Sunho was staring straight at a family, a normal family, the man and woman playing games with their little kid as they were all smiles and giggles. And it dawned on him, what he was getting at; what he was thinking.
"Do you think this is a mistake?" Choongjae asked back, not able to keep the bitterness in his voice. He understood how Sunho felt, but he couldn't help but feel upset. Upset at himself, how he can't do anything about their situation; upset at the fact that they were going to have to start a family one day, but they can't, ever; upset that Sunho seems to be wavering, and if he does decide to leave, how Choongjae knows he can't hold him back because he can offer him absolutely nothing.
Choongjae is well aware that they have no future. But he still couldn't stop loving him.
"I... don't know." Sunho breathed out a heavy sigh, his fists clenching at his sides as he didn't break his gaze from the family. "It's just... I love you, I really do, Choongjae... but it's so hard. It's so hard sometimes that I just want to end it all, end all of this and 'go back' to being 'normal' and pretend to love some girl so that people will finally stop tormenting me."
Choongjae didn't answer, letting Sunho's words sink into him as he stared straight ahead, at the family Sunho has been intently observing all this time. He briefly reached out to Sunho's hand and gave it a small squeeze, before letting go just as quickly. "I know how hard it must be for you, Sunho. It's been hard for me too... and quite frankly, sometimes, I keep thinking about our future. How will we live, when our society continually rejects, shuns, and is disgusted at people like us? How will we have a family? How will we pass on our names to our children, when we can't have any? These are all questions I don't think I'll ever have an answer for... but for now, Sunho, can't we just love, like we've always done, despite all the pain and the guilt and contempt from our family? Let's not think about the future for now. Let's worry about that when the time comes."
Choongjae was right, was all Sunho wanted to think. But the gnawing guilt at the very core of his being forced him to stay rooted in reality. "I... don't think I can do it, Choongjae. I don't think I can take anymore of this. Do you know what my mother told me this morning, when I left the house? 'Don't even think of coming back here until you're normal again. I'll pretend I didn't give birth to an abomination like you.' I don't know what to do. I've been driven into a corner, where I only have you; and yet the only way out of that corner is to let go of you."
Silence reigned once more for a few minutes, but Sunho was the one to break it again. "Give me a definite solution, Choongjae. I'm sick and tired that we always end up talking about this, yet never have a solution for it."
"What do you want me to do? I can't change the way society views us. Even if I parade down the street shouting 'equal rights' and argue with someone about the validity of our love and end up convincing them, I can't change the way they look at us with contempt, disgust, as if we committed the most vile thing in the world. We'll never have a solution for this, Sunho."
Sunho closed his eyes and sighed deeply; it was a few minutes before he spoke again. And when he did, Choongjae felt as though his whole world came crashing down and was trampled on by some gigantic force for good measure.
"I.. can't do this anymore, Choongjae. I'm sorry."
But Choongjae's reply was oddly calm, as if he knew that this was coming. After all, what could he do? He understood Sunho. Love just doesn't cut it anymore in this world; they can continue to love, but society will never change and even if it does, it will be too late because it won't be in this lifetime. He can't hold him back, as much as he wanted to. "Then... is this finally goodbye?"
Sunho could only nod, not trusting his voice enough to not take back what he had just said. As much as he wanted to take it all back, as much as he wanted to be with Choongjae, it could never happen. Love doesn't always prevail; it was just what romantic movies and books and media wanted people to think, but it rarely ever happens in real life. And this is real life.
Choongjae stood up from where he was sitting, looking down at Sunho for a few moments, longing to catch his eyes so that he can look at those beautiful sparkling orbs one last time. But Sunho refused to meet his gaze.
"If you ever change your mind... Remember that I'll be here, Sunho." I'll always love you.
With those few words, Choongjae made his way back to where he came from, leaving Sunho behind.
And as Sunho stared at Choongjae's retreating figure, all the guilt that he had because of their relationship dissipated in that moment, yet was replaced with a new form of guilt.
The guilt towards his own heart, for leaving the one he loves when he didn't want to.
----
Comments