OneRepublic - All This Time

Woohyun ah,

Do you remember the first time we met? We were five back then and you were that new obnoxious kid at the play ground. I was building my beautiful sand castle, where I and Dongwoo hyung would live in, when you tripped over some stupid pebbles and came crashing down on my masterpiece. I was pissed to say the least, so it’s really understandable when I shoved you out of the way and called you idiot. You sat up, wailing and wiping at your eyes furiously, crying out why are you so mean to me. From across the ground, Dongwoo hyung rushed to your side, helping you to stand up and scolded me for making you cry. I seriously hated you at that moment, did you know that? First you ruined my castle, then you made Dongwoo hyung hate me. I think you knew that I hated you, too. Because the next day, and days after that, you kept following me around and asking me to play with you. Everytime you did so, I would ran to hide behind Sunggyu hyung or Sungjongie, sticking my tongue out at you, screaming never!. You would whine and pout but you never gave up. After what seemed like the umpteenth times, I gave in. You beamed and gave me the brightest smile ever. That day, you and I built a beautiful sand castle together. When we finished, you were clapping your hand excitedly and claimed that you and I should live in a castle together, too, when we grew up. I just rolled my eyes, grinning back at you - I’d rather spend the rest of my life playing doll with Sungjongie than living with you, idiot!.

We had our first scar together when we turned ten. Your mother had bought you a bicycle and you proudly showed up at my house, telling me to get on. I was hesitant at first, but I couldn’t refuse your smile. After settling on the bicycle, you yelled hold on tight!  and grinned before speeding off. To be honest, I was scared but I tried to hide it with my nervous laugh. You smiled at the tight grip on your waist and pedaled faster up the hill. The wind brushed past your hair, sending a mix scent of something like spring and vanilla shampoo over my nostrils. I inhaled it all, enjoying our little moment. But then a small cat suddenly ran out from the bushes, crossing the street and it made you startled. You lost control and before I knew it, we were stumbling. I only got a cut on my left arm but you weren’t that lucky. You sprained your ankle and had a deep cut on your arm, too, but it was on the right. The sky started to darken when I piggybacked you home, your breath tickled my ear as you sang softly some melodies. We got the scold of our life that night, but you just grinned at me(and sometimes grimaced - because of the pain) like it was nothing serious. The wound had left  ugly scars on our arms, but you didn’t seem to mind. One more scar, one more memory, as you always said. You were really hopeless, did you know that? One scar turned into two, then three, then four, and now I lost count how many scars that we had had together.

High school was a chaos. We attended the same school with Sunggyu hyung, Dongwoo hyung, and Sungjongie.  We often had to visit the principal’s office because, heck, you were such a trouble magnet and I didn’t know how but you always successfully dragged me along with you into the mess, sometimes with Sunggyu hyung and even Dongwoo hyung too. To my dismay, Sungjongie started to behave like you, too. You were such a bad influence, but I never tried to stop you anyway. Eventually, we would end up cleaning the gym, the classrooms, even the toilets as punishments. Nowhere that we hadn’t put out feet on in our school. Every day, we would sit at the bench near the palm tree on the school field together, and you would randomly point at some girls passing by, asking me if she’s pretty and if you should hit on her. I would only hum back, flipping a page on my book, not really paying attention. Until one day you asked me something entirely different, something I really didn’t expect that I had to look up from my book, blinking my eyes twice before asking you to say it again. You bit your lips nervously, looking at everywhere but me and I would have bursted out laughing at your cuteness if I wasn’t so confused. You slowly looked at me in the eyes and –

“I said, I wonder if you would like to go out with me. I mean, like a date. Not friendly kind. You know. But that kind?”

I just stared.

“With all the holding hand and kissing stuff?” I stated slowly.

“Yeah-, no, I mean, if you don’t want to-“ you stuttered.

Unconsiously, I felt the corner of my mouth lift up a little, my hand reaching out to entwine our fingers together. And you were smiling, too. Your cheeks tinted with a nice shade of pink. You knew that I could never say no to you. Never.

Our first kiss was such a mess. We didn’t kiss on our first date, or the second, or the third because you got shy everytime my face came close. It was our fourth official date that it happened. We were eating ice-cream on a cool winter day. You insisted so because you liked the feeling of numbness on your tongue, your lips, and your mind. You had had a bad day, I concluded. The sun was setting, painting a nice orange hue across the sky and the warmth radiating from your body made me feel all cozy inside. So when you turned your head and smile your beautiful smile at me, some ice cream smearing on your lips and cheeks, I couldn’t help but lean in, tasting the vanilla ice cream that you loved so much, closing my eyes in the process. You didn’t response at first, but after a second or so, you kissed back, eager and inexperienced and sweet, just like what I had imagined you would taste like. When we parted, your breath ghosted over my face, tickling my skin. And the words I love you, howon slipped past your lips, making me tremble. I kissed you again, and again and again, the ice creams melting on our hands. I might be young and immature and not knowing a lot of things about life, but I knew with all my heart, that you were the love of my life.

I could never forget the first time we made love. You were so shy and giggling nonstop. Gosh, it was embarrassed and endearing at the same time as I kissed you, effectively shutting you up. You moaned out my name breathlessly when I touched you, leaving butterfly kissed on your neck, your collarbones, your chest. You had your hand on my hair, gripping tightly. Skins sliding against skins, breaths mingling with each other’s, sweat glistening your body in such a beautiful way that I thought my heart had stopped for a few moments. When we came you called out my name again, hoya, hoya, hoya so lovingly and affectionately. I brushed a strand of hair which covered your face, whispering that three words, over and over again. We drifted off to slumber in each other embrace,  our heart would beat that same beat of love, of promised eternity.

You were my first and also my last and I know that I was yours, too. I often joked that we should try doing  it with somebody else, just to know whether we had chose the right person or not and you would hit my shoulder slightly, a pout on your lips. I laughed everytime you did so. But you know what? As long as you were here by my side, I didn’t need anything else, or anyone else. As long as I had you, I had the world.

The news about the war broke out right after we graduated from university. It’s not like it wasn’t predicted. Just that North and South Korean weren’t in good terms for so long that people tended to forget that war could be happened at anytime soon. We enrolled in the army together at the same time. I was sent to the front of the battle – where the war was at its fiercest. As a teacher, you were kept at Seoul, helping and guiding the children to safe places. You had insisted on being sent to the front because you couldn’t stand staying behind, couldn’t stand waiting for me in fear and hopelessness. But I didn’t let you (and the Committee refused your request anyway. Knowing you, you wouldn’t be able to survive even just one day out there in the battle and I would never let anything bad happened to you. You must be safe, must be alive when I came back – if I would ever came back.  That night before I had to leave, you cried silently on my arms. Actually, we didn’t say a word that night. You just cried, and I felt so helpless not knowing how to comfort you. I could only hold you tighter, kissing your tears away until the first ray of light coming through the curtains. You were asleep and I didn’t want to wake you up, so I just left, without a word, without a proper goodbye. I knew you would blame me when you woke up, that you would throw a fist and be so mad at me. But please understand me, I was a coward. I wouldn’t be able to leave if you were awake, if you told me not to leave. I’m sorry, Woohyun ah. I was a coward.

Three years passed like a blur. I didn’t remember much of my time on the army. Nothing’s worthy to remember anyway. Only fires, smokes, bullets, and dead people. I didn’t really close with anyone, either. What was the point when you knew too well that you would all die someday eventually?  I could recall some names, though. My team consisted of twelve people,  some already had a family, and some around my age, like Jinwoon hyung - he’s really tall, and a weird hyung named Jonghyun who kept singing all the time. He said that was his way to relieve stress and be positive. I didn’t know if there were anything positive about a war at all, but his voice was nice and I believed him anyway. Then there was my Commander. His name was Inguk. He usually told me about his life when we sat beside each other. And when the sound of exploding bomb got louder and louder, keeping us awake at night, he would show me a picture of his wife that he always kept on his wallet. Her name was Eunji and in the fading picture, she was smiling so brightly, so beautifully – just like your smiles.  I couldn’t help but feel warmth spreading through my veins when I looked at her – at you. I should have brought a picture of you with me, I thought bitterly. He told me how he proposed to her under the moonlight, near Han River, that they would buy a small but lovely house on the beach in Busan where they would live with their children. I unconsciously smiled at that and as he was talking, I decided that when I got back home, and if you still loved me, I would propose to you under the moonlight, near Han River, too.

Another three years passed by so slowly. I knew that I hadn’t replied any of your letters. It’s not that I didn’t receive them. But. Well. Inguk hyung had died. He could no longer buy a house on the beach in Busan anymore. Jinwoon hyung  was death, too. And Doojoon, and Yoseob, and, yeah, half of my team has gone. Jonghyun hyung had stopped singing and everything suddenly became so quiet, so eerily scary. The wound on my shoulder still hurt as , and I just missed you so much. I didn’t dare to open your letter because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to bear it, that I would break. And what if I died? I shouldn’t have told you to wait for me, no, I should have told you to find another man and live happily. I regretted it so much. Forgive me and my selfishness, Woohyun ah.

I still remember clearly that day, when the war ended, and my Commander – not Inguk hyung, the new one – told me that finally, finally we could go home. You wouldn’t know how happy I was, right? I felt like exploding from happiness at that moment. On the train to Seoul, I couldn’t help but feel nervous all the time, because god, it had been seven years. I wasn’t sure if you would show up, if you would still wait for me. Your face had matured a lot, I noticed as you ran to me, and probably mines, too. Traces of tiredness and sleepless nights were visible on your face, but your smile was still the same, still that childish and beautiful smile I had come to engrave in my heart. Your tears soaked through my uniform as I hugged you tightly, and you kept sobbing nonsense onto the crook of my neck. I think I had cried, too. I didn’t even bother to wipe my tears away as I was so busy feeling your soft hair under my rough hand, breathing in the vanilla scent that I had missed so dearly. My mind didn’t function properly anymore, I was overwhelmed in your presence. It must be the case because if I was in my right mind, I wouldn’t have proposed to you right at that moment, when I should have done it under the moonlight, near Han River.  You stopped crying and for a moment just stared at me with wide eyes, which soon turned into a crescent as you jumped on me again and yelled yes yes yes so loudly the whole crowd had to turned their head to look at us. But you didn’t seem to mind because you kissed me after that, passionately and oh so sweetly that I could still taste it in my mouth years later. I should have bought you a beautiful and expensive ring instead of that simple silver band, though. But you said it’s okay, I liked it simple as you held my hand, our rings clinging against each other.

We had our first big fight three years after we decided to adopt Sungyeol. Now, come to think of it, it was the first time I saw you so upset. I knew being parents was not an easy thing, but I had never imagined it would be that tiring. A lot of things needed to be decided, and we also disagreed on a lot of things. You were already busy enough being a teacher, with the addition of Sungyeol, it seemed like you didn’t have time for me anymore. I knew I was being selfish and unreasonable but trust me, I loved Sungyeol just as much as you do. I only wanted some private time with you, only you. We barely spent time with each other, and I hated that. I was so sorry that I had let my anger and my frustration out on you and Sungyeol. I shouldn’t have done that. And even though I apologized the next day, I knew it was too late. Damage had been done and the scar had formed. You said it was okay, you always said everything was okay, and you were sorry too, let’s not fight anymore, howon ah. My heart clenched hearing your words. Why did I keep doing things that I would regret it later?

Raising Sungyeol after you left proved to be such a pain in the . He was going through puberty and curious about anything and everything that existed on Earth. Sometimes I wondered if we had had give our parents a hard time like this when we were teenagers. It’s karma I guessed. And it was extremely awkward when I found him making out with a guy on our living room, when I just got back from work. I kept fidgeting when I gave him his well-deserved knowledge of . We didn’t have those education back when we were young, did we? Time like that was when I missed you the most. You would have done it so effortlessly and smoothly, unlike me. On some occasions, I had thought that I couldn’t do it alone, without you. I wished you were still there, by my side, and we would deal with our rebellious son together. Up there without anyone beside you, were you lonely? Because I was.

It’s almost two decades since you left. Sungyeol had married Myungsoo – the kid he made out with in the living room, did you remember? They were living happily together now across the town and they would often drop off at our house, to check if I was still alive or not, I guess. Just kidding. He has turned into a sweet and responsible son. Who would ever think our baby has grown up so well? He even offered us living together, but I refused. I didn’t want to leave this house, to leave you and our memories behind. I think I deserve an award for raising Sungyeol this good, do I? You should give me a kiss when I join you up there. The pain on my shoulder kept coming back lately, reminding me of my time in the battle. I still miss you as much as I did that time, or even more. Wait for me a little more, will you? And don’t cheat.

Love you with all my heart,

Your Hoya.