It’s been a month since that wonderful day. A month, just a mere month and my body is feeling so weak.  I don’t even have to talk about the pain I feel every day, slowly torturing me until the day I die, until the end. I can’t even remember when the last time I felt ok was. Jiyong’s anxiety is driving me nuts by the moment, having him around, stressing on how weak I look, on how weak I feel. He never left my side, which my mom was now starting to get curious. We were usually always together, but now, Jiyong’s been too obvious on how sick I am.

“We need to tell her” would be his repetitive words. Always telling me how I was unfair to them, how I needed to let them know.

Bull.

“How would you tell your family you’re dying Jiyong? Enlighten me” I asked him. We were sitting at my bed, well, he was sitting, I was lying comfortably on it.

“I… I don’t know… we just have too. I’ll be there for you” He said. I let out a sigh and crossed my arms.

“You’re seriously something” I said. He glared at me and let out a sigh. I felt a fight coming. Just great.

“Yeah, glad you noticed I’m something. I’m your boyfriend, your partner. I’m going crazy, crazy over you, crazy on how I’m losing you. I’m getting desperate because I can’t do with your pain, I can’t do to help you! Chaerin, I’m slowly dying with you and you can’t ing seem to notice it!” He said standing up. I was getting stressed on how he was starting to yell, everyone could hear him.

“Jiyong, don’t be so paranoid, and lower your voice-“

“Paranoid?! Is that how you will call me now? A ing paranoid?! YOU’RE ING DYING AND YOU’RE CALLING ME A PARANOID?! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!” He said now yelling.

“Jiyong! Lower your damn voice or someone’s going to h-“

“What’s going on in here?” Taemin asked entering my room. ing great!

“You’re sister’s what’s going on in here” Jiyong said. I glared at him intently, trying to kill him with my glare.

“Jeez man, no one’s going to die, stop being so loud” Taemin said and walked over me.

“You’re sure about that Taemin?” Jiyong said.

“Jiyong!” I said almost choking.

“Well, yeah, we are all young, who would die so young?” Taemin asked. “Well, you do look quite weak lately noona, are you eating well?” Taemin said pressing his palm on my forehead. I closed my eyes suppressing a sob.

“Oh she’s eating well Taemin, that’s not what’s going on with her right now” Jiyong said. His voice showed only anger, his eyes were dark, clouded. He was spilling everything out of anger, and I can’t avoid Taemin’s curious questions anymore.

“What do you mean hyung?” Taemin asked, he apparently noticed Jiyong’s anger, so he was talking with a less friendly tone.

“Why don’t you ask her? I’m sure she’ll tell you everything, right my love?” He said. I glared at him and then looked at Taemin. He was staring at Jiyong confused.

“What is going on noona?” Taemin asked with gritted teeth, still glaring at Jiyong.

“Um... There’s nothing wrong Taemin, Jiyong’s only mad” I spoke. Jiyong scoffed and walked towards me. Taemin kept glaring at him, now more cautious of Jiyong’s movements.

“Tell him! Tell him how you’re slowly dying! Tell him about your disease! TELL HIM!” Jiyong yelled at my side. I felt my heart stopped beating, I felt I died. And as I looked at Taemin, I saw how slowly his face turned from confused to sad and then, anger.

“How dare you say something like that?! Are you ing out of your mind hyung?!” Taemin yelled. Jiyong scoffed and grabbed my hand and gripped it hard, then let go.

“I can’t keep your secrets any longer Lee Chaerin, I just can’t” Jiyong said and walked towards the door. But unfortunately, their yells alerted someone else in our house. My mother and grandmother were at the door looking at us.

“Chaerin, what is going on?” My mother spoke. I gulped and tried standing up but I was feeling dizzy and weak.

“Mom, I can explain” I said and stood up but my knees failed me, letting me fall. Jiyong caught me and Taemin grabbed my hand.

“What is going on?” Mom asked again. Nagueti grabbed her shoulder and caressed it.

“Jaerin, I think you should sit” Nagueti said. Mom looked at her and widened her eyes.

“What do you know mother? What am I missing?” Mom said. Nagueti smiled and looked at Jiyong.

“It wasn’t the way young man, it just wasn’t” Nagueti said and Jiyong looked down, hiding his ashamed face. “I think it’s time Chaerin, better now than never” Nagueti finally said and I let my tears fall.

“Just tell them” Jiyong whispered on my ear. I glared at him and freed myself from his grasp.

“You stay away from me” I said. He widened his eyes and looked at me. I kept my face firm, and he backed away a bit.

“Talk noona” Taemin said. I inhaled deeply and sat on the edge of my bed, keeping a distance from everyone here.

“A few weeks ago, I was feeling some chest pain, it wasn’t unbearable, but it was annoying. With the days, it grew more painful, so much it was almost hard to breath. That’s when I decided to go to the hospital. They did some analysis and found nothing” I started to talk. My mother was listening really closely to what I was saying, Jiyong was crying silently as I told everyone how I was feeling, and the most dreaded one, how I was going to die soon.

“After more analysis, they found the reason of my pain… it wasn’t caused by anything on my chest, that’s why they couldn’t detect it at first. After a few days, the doctor called me. Mom, Taemin… I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer…” I finally said. Both mom and Taemin gasped. Taemin shook his head in denial while mother just kept looking at me.

“This cannot be” She said putting her right hand over .

“It’s not everything” Jiyong said. I took a deep breath and looked at him.

“The worst part it’s that it was too late… Since it’s a silent killer, it already spread all over my body, giving me no chance of living. My body is far too weak for treatment…” I said looking straight into Jiyong’s eyes. Mother started crying, Taemin sobbed silently and Nagueti couldn’t do anything, just give comfort to my mother.

“Are you telling me we will just have to wait until you die?!” Taemin said sobbing. I closed my eyes and nodded.

“There has to be another way” Mother said. I opened my eyes and smiled at her.

“The only way is to keep together until the end” I said. Mother cried more, so did Taemin and now Jiyong was crying again. He stood up and put a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry” He said. I looked at him and the darkness on his face disappeared. I smiled and nodded.

“Never do things out of anger Jiyong… never” I said.

“Noona, you must be lying, you… you are wrong… this can’t be happening… no… not now…” Taemin started saying. He stood up and Jiyong went over him.

“Calm down kiddo” Jiyong said and Taemin pushed him away.

“Me calm down? Just look what you have done! Look at mom, look at Nagueti! Look at Chaerin! Can you calm down?! Can you live in peace knowing she will die and you did nothing?!” Taemin told Jiyong. Jiyong stood there, taken aback by Taemin’s harsh words.

“Taemin, that’s not the way” Nagueti said.

“Don’t say that Taemin” I said. He glared at us all and then walked towards the door. I looked at Jiyong hoping he would go after him but he didn’t.

“Jiyong” I said and he looked at me.

“Am I really at fault?” He said. I kneeled on bed and went towards him. I grabbed his face in both my hands and shook my head.

“No Jiyong, it’s no one’s fault” I said. He looked at me, the pain on his face gave me a greater pain on my heart.

“I can’t calm down. I can’t live without you. I don’t know what I’ll do the day you’re gone. I… can’t do nothing, yet I can’t keep calm. I’m slowly dying on the inside because I can’t do anything more…” He said. I cleaned his tears with my thumb and kissed his lips.

“You’re doing enough” I said. He shook his head and closed his eyes.

“I don’t know what I’ll do… I don’t know how I’ll survive without you around… I don’t want to live in a world where Lee Chaerin doesn’t exist” He said. I looked at Nagueti and mom. Fortunately, Mother got calm enough to help me with Jiyong.

“Jiyong, baby boy, come on, be strong for her now. I’ll help you deal with everything later. I’ll be always here for you, baby boy” Mother told him grabbing his shoulder.

“I don’t want to live after she’s gone…” He said, now sobbing hard. Nagueti pulled me away from him and hugged him. He let himself fall on the floor sobbing hard.

“Listen to me boy, you have to be strong, we all have to. It’s not easy for any of us, but we have to live through it. We have to endure it” Nagueti said.

“Jiyong, I will lose my daughter, don’t let me lose a son too. Please don’t” Mother said sobbing on his back. I just looked at them and cried silently. My world was slowly collapsing over me. The weight of it was too much for my frail body to resist.

Looking at them crying over me, gave me a new type of pain, one I have never felt. Was it chest pain? Was it because of my disease? My heart was slowly dying, but still beating. My eyes were crying, but no tears came out. My brain was no longer processing, yet it still worked. I was numbed by the pain on my heart, so numb I didn’t felt any symptom of what was happening to me right now.

In that moment, I felt that lump on my throat again. I started to cough uncontrollably, couldn’t talk, couldn’t breathe and the pain on my chest got even worst. Mother and Nagueti looked at me worried, but Jiyong stood up and walked towards me. It was like a instinct on his body, one moment he was breaking apart, the other he was giving me support and helping me.

“What’s wrong baby?!” Jiyong said holding my waist. I felt dizzy due to the lack of oxygen on my body. I kept coughing, now blood was falling from my mouth. Jiyong, mom and Nagueti got hysterical, and I too got a bit stressed, but before I could even process what was going on with me, everything turned dark, the noise had died down and my body felt lightweight.

I wasn’t sure of the time, wasn’t really aware of my surroundings. I could hear noises from a distance, voices I couldn’t recognize and people walking or talking over me. I could see faces, could see a light, could feel really distantly that people were touching me, but it all felt like a dream. It was so distant, I was so lightweight, could I be dead? Did I fainted? In Jiyong’s arms? He probably went insane.

‘Don’t leave me please’ I heard Jiyong’s voice on the back of my head. I tried to move or smile, but everything was unresponsive. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk. It was as if I was imprisoned on my own body. I tried to talk, to tell him everything was ok, that I was alright, but truth is, nothing is ok, nothing is alright.

‘They said three months!’ Jiyong’s voice yelled. Everything was dark, I couldn’t see what was happening. I could only hear cries and voices.

‘Pulmonary edema’

‘We have to intubate’

‘Her body is too frail to resist it, you should prepare’

‘Please sir, stand back’

‘YOU ING HAVE TO MAKE HER LIVE!’

‘Chaerin!’

Voices, voices, all over the place, all over my mind, hands, hands all over my body. I couldn’t see but somehow, my body could still feel the touches, the pain, and the needles. My ears could hear everything, yet I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t see.

In that moment, I felt something entering my mouth. I almost yelled at the sudden force they did on my jaw. I felt something giving me oxygen and someone hitting my chest. I wasn’t sure of what was going on, but I knew everything hurt like hell.

‘It’s too swollen’

‘Call the doctor’

‘No, better call the surgeon’

Everyone was calling someone, now the cries had stopped, but there was a certain beeping that was annoying my whole self. Then, just when I thought everything was over, someone forced my jaw open again and introduced something on my mouth and through my throat. After the pain of the thing that entered my mouth ended, I felt a surge of air go into my chest. It was soothing, it was fresh and simply amazing. I felt I could breathe again, I felt how my body rejoiced with the oxygen that was receiving.

‘You may enter now’ a voice called outside and a few rushed footsteps entered the room.

“Chaerin? Chaerin baby can you hear me? It’s me, mom. I’m here baby, we are all here with you” She said. I felt happiness inside of me, but at the same time I felt sad. How did I looked? How do they see me? What’s my state right now?

“Baby, I’m here, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Jiyong spoke. I wanted to tell him everything was ok, I wanted to grab his face between my hands and kiss his lips, wanted to do so many things but my body didn’t responded to anything I wanted it to do. 

Gily's Notes:

Here it is! Sorry for the very late update!

Have you heard GD's new album? Isn't it amazing?!?! I'm sooo crazy over it!! :) 

Maybe I'll get inspired by the song R.O.D he he he >D