...and even less we could do.

I don’t know what happened to us, but it just hasn’t been the same since your brother died. He was my best friend and didn’t deserve it. That was a cold winter.

And things were going so well. We had even made plans to see the latest comedy the week before. We loved comedies; now it’s hard to even find a reason to smile. Do you miss the faces that he would make when he laughed (I mean really laugh)? I know I do. But I think I miss your laugh the most. You hated how loud and high it was and even more so when a snort would slip out but it was like music to me. I wish I could make you laugh like that again. I’ve tried before but it never worked; I guess that’s why I asked you out to a comedy when I finally got the guts to speak to you alone.

It was nice how he didn’t mind us dating. I was afraid that it would be awkward for us all but he somehow managed to keep us together; now he’s gone, and I think we’re disappearing too.

What happened?

He died from that stupid car crash on his way home from soccer practice—lucky for you, you had already gone home on the bus with me. You cried. I cried. We hugged each other until we couldn’t feel our arms. We didn’t go to school. We cried some more. We held hands at his service. We watched him get put into the ground. I don’t even remember how long we stood there like that. All I remember was your hand shaking—or maybe it was mine—and our inability to cry any more.

We stopped talking. To our friends, to our family, even to each other. I would sometimes just look at you and hope to see the light in your eyes again to let me know everything was going to be all right, but they were ask dark as mine. I guess I should’ve been the one to try and comfort you, but even when we hugged, it felt empty. It didn’t feel right. I couldn’t even bring myself to kiss you. If I did, it was only on the cheek or maybe your forehead and you would do the same towards me but it just wasn’t the same anymore.

As the seasons changed, so did we. More and more things seemed petty; pointless; meaningless. Even comedies lost their appeal. We still sat next to each on the bus and during lunch. I would still hug you in between classes and you would still look at me in acknowledgement in class. But it was like our happiness died with Lu Han. We visited his grave a few times until the layers of snow turned into a lump and then finally yielded water. Sometimes I would catch you there by yourself. What goes through your head when you sit there like that?

We tried speaking to each other after a while. At first it was simple greetings. It was as if we were new classmates again, only much more mellow and casual (I stuttered the first time Lu Han introduced me to his little sister). We still loved each other, I’m sure of it, but it was like we were just trying our best not to break again. We never got past small talk. The pain that came even with saying each other’s name was mutual. Even holding hands felt weird after a while.

Then graduation came around. Funny how time trickles so quickly when you’re not paying attention. I didn’t see you at the ceremony. I didn’t even see you over the summer. Not even when I was moving to another city for college. I guess I’m not the only one who couldn’t stay so close to where it all had happened. It turns out that you moved too; not too far though; I guess that unlike me, you couldn’t be too far away from where he was.

I’m sorry for not being more supportive, but I think that we can both agree that we died along with Lu Han. There was nothing we could do and I hope that you find comfort in that somehow. If you do, please help me find it too.

I miss him too. I miss you. I miss what we had. I hope that someday we can get past this and be able to laugh again. Maybe we could go see a comedy. Until then, I hope that you are well because I still love you.

~ Minseok