Chapter Five

Delving Into Kim Jongin's Thoughts

Not to be sappy or anything but I am an orphan. I live with my sixty-three year old grandfather in a small two-bedroom apartment a few blocks from the dilapidated playground. My parents died from a house fire when the Christmas lights in our living room overloaded and caught fire; it was Christmas eve then and I was five. I had survived that fire with my teddy bear clutched tightly to my chest, I remembered crying endlessly that night as a gash on my forehead bled profusely.

Having been a son to parents who are both sibling-less, my paternal grandparents have become my legal guardians. Two years ago, my grandmother passed away of old age.

I have plenty of reasons as to why I want to leave this town. I know for a fact that I won't have a bright future if I spend the rest of my life here. Given that my grandfather has already retired, the local government has funded me with a scholarship until I graduate high school. Not a lot of people know this but I study hard to retain my scholarship, so much so that I didn't even notice that I started beating Sulli in the top spot--- one of the smartest students in this town. But the thing is Sulli was naturally gifted. Contrary to popular belief that I effortlessly get those high grades, I actually study my off when I don't spend my time kicking with my friends.

I get myself involved in fights and feel the guilt swallow me whole as I watch my friends get hurt because of me, their parents probably secretly hate me if not for the fact that they feel pity for my predicament. I have a problem with controlling my anger and aggression that no shrink could remedy. I was just too far off.

This town held too many bitter memories for me--- some of which I haven't really forgotten still, just pushed back to the darkest corners of my mind. The narrow-minded elders of the town call me a troublemaker, to some just mostly troubled. Having considerate childhood friends like Kyungsoo and the rest and a caring father figure like Abeoji has somehow made growing up a little less painful.

A year ago, as I watched four of my friends graduate high school and leave town for them to fulfill their lifelong endeavors--- of which we had once only talked about with much fervor and excitement in our eyes when we were much younger--- I felt envious and anxious to do the same.

What do I want to do with my life? I'm not sure yet. I have two more years of high school and after that I plan to pack my bags and move to Seoul in hopes of finding myself. I'll find a minimum wage job and sleep on the floor at Suho's university dorm for a while until I'm able to pay for a decent apartment and have Abeoji move to the city with me so I can look after him. My friends have been convincing me to change my mind and to at least attend a technical university but I have already made up my mind long ago.

In the middle of the second semester of my first year in high school, Krystal Jung with her striking red hair came bursting into the picture and suddenly the perfect plan in my head blurred a little. I didn't like it one bit.

While I was clambering to get myself out of this town, I never really understood why Krystal Jung and her family have left the city for a life in a dead-end town.

"You know what?" Sehun asks me one day while we were on the vast school field playing a casual game of soccer.

"What?" I said as I passed the ball to him with a swift kick.

"You've been less angry since you started talking to the new girl." He kicks the ball to the net and Baekhyun expertly blocks it. "I even see you sometimes grinning to yourself like an idiot."

"I don't know what you mean." I say, nonchalant. I gesture towards my friends to take a break and we head to the benches where our bags were.

"Think about it this way, how many times have you used that fist of yours since Krystal Jung came to this town?" We've grown to address my apparent anger issues with ease and casualness.

His statement struck my curiosity and I raised my fist to stare at my knuckles--- for the first time in a very long time it wasn't raw and bruised with much abuse.

"Huh." I mutter to myself.

“That’s what I thought.” Sehun smugly grins at me in an I-told-you-so kind of way and I throw an empty bottle at him with a flick of my wrist, he docks away from it.

Kyungsoo, who has been listening to our conversation the whole time, spoke with a thoughtful expression on his usually blank face. "You know Kai, if you actually start opening up to other people and stop keeping your problems to yourself it won't feel like the world is always against you."

I give him an unaffected shrug. I never really liked having mushy words spoken to me as if I was still that five-year-old child crying endlessly for his parents.

Kyungsoo sighs at my stubbornness. "It doesn't have to be us, Jongin." I flinch at his use of my birth name but he ignored it and continued speaking. "Krystal Jung has been shattering your unnecessary wall bit by bit and you don't even notice it. And I bet she doesn't too."

The eight of us made our way to our favorite noodle shop near the school and I tried to join in on their laughter but I couldn't shake off Kyungsoo's words to me, and by the way he kept looking at me with this smug look on his face as we all ate our ramyun, he obviously knows that his words have affected me.

Sehun and Kyungsoo's words kept replaying in my head. Sometimes it’s a pain in the to have genius friends like them, because they were probably right--- as always. But the thing is I wanted Krystal Jung to be the one to break these walls and as much as I try to be this strong unyielding person that I am not; Krystal Jung just might be the escape button I need--- or my horrendous downfall, and this thought scares me.