~~~~~

Sometimes Namjoo would wake up to that evening when the pregnancy test came out positive. 8 out of the 10 she’d tried came out positive. She was only 13, an immature girl just growing up. Her mother had left her since she was young and she fared with her father who worked day and night. Dinner she cooked would be left for him before she went to sleep and when she woke up for school the dishes would be cleared, which meant her father came home at night for a few hours and left again for work at dawn.

That was her life.

She lived in solitude and a kind of loneliness she didn’t know how to explain. They lived in the rural areas before she moved to Seoul for high school. It was in the rural areas where life gave her passion and bestowed upon her gifts of life. The school she went to was run down with rusty walls soon to be torn down and the classrooms that used to be once overcrowded had decreased dramatically in number over the years. Teachers were few and school rules were lenient, but she still got an education.

Namjoo never minded the few who came and left and those who never stayed long. Her long lonely days were dispelled by her next door neighbor. A frank boy of honest nature and she loved listening to him sing. He used to lead the chorus when it still existed at the school.

He was called Jongdae by the others, but she knew him as ‘Chen’. They grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same kindergarten, and leveled up together. They were lovers, friends…buddies or whatever people called it; they were sidekicks and partners for life.

Chen first kissed her under the apple tree in the school yard declaring his feelings for her. Namjoo went along because he was special to her, in a kind of way no one else was. Chen had been the only one who managed to convert her loneliness into long lasting laughter and smiles. He made her heart flutter; butterflies grow in her stomach, and rooted flowers in the dark of her heart. Chen made everything possible and nothing was impossible.

The prince in shining armor made her world shine blindly and she soared the skies and stood above all else during those days. Chen blanketed her world from the feelings shrouding in the corner in her wake. Chen was her protector.

They were 13 when he got her pregnant. She was 13 and alone when he got run over by a delivery truck. He’d told her they’d keep the baby and he’d raise them when she was 13. The promised dream had been made to her when she was 13. At 13 she was very much alone in the dark of her home when she gave birth. No one aided her and she lay passed out with baby crying for a mere 13 minutes.

Upon regaining consciousness she recalled mourning her prince in shining armor before wrapping the baby in a 8 year old shirt belonging to her father. Namjoo set herself to cleaning the mess on the floor before dropping onto her knees.

She was 13 and didn’t know what to do. The possible was now impossible and she could feel the loneliness in the corner mocking her.

For a long time she cried her heart out. Keeping the baby was not an option. Her father would be home in a few hours and he knew nothing of the baby. So Namjoo did the only thing she could.

There was a church in the neighborhood; white, grand, and still strong despite its old age. It was matted with spider webs and dead flies. In the dark Namjoo could make out the bell hanging from the tower, motionless and watching.

Everyone was in bed, should be in bed tucked in their little nests dreaming happy dreams. Quickening her pace she hurried toward the stone steps and set the now sleeping infant on top of the stairs. Tears hung on edge; part of her worried over if the baby would survive the night and another half breaking because she was leaving the only thing Chen had left her.

The baby...he…had been their creation and she was abandoning their dream. It stung her and made her feel remorseful. Chewing her lower lip she forced herself around to walk away, but as she furthered herself away from the dream it wailed louder. Each step forward shattered her heart and the flowers rooted there quickly wilted.

Sobbing Namjoo forced herself to run back home. The days ahead were long and dreary. The rays of sunlight that floated into the house became dark and misty. And then one day her dad took her to the city.

At the school the kids were kind. They were loud, messy, and segregated into groups unlike the school in the rural area. Namjoo remained a loner the first half of the year before one of the upper level student started talking to her. He introduced her to the chess club where she met some of his friends and she only realized their intention later when they played a trick on her on the rooftop. After that she resorted to sitting at the back of the room in her own corner, her own world.

Then one day it finally started. A confession from one of the shy nerds of her class and then another one from a student of another class and suddenly she was reeled into the world of known popularity. She didn’t know how it happened. From the last year of junior high to high school she became widely known by the students and all the girls wanted to befriend her.

Namjoo’s life suddenly gave her the status of high society. It didn’t feel right as if she’d skipped a transition in her life. She was quietly at a loss, but somehow smoothly went along with the flow. Her father got promoted and they moved to a house big enough for a family of four. No matter what happened she could still hear loneliness chattering in the corner waiting for its next move. However much people surrounded her, she felt like an empty soul; tortured and humiliated in the spirit of her prince.

Sometimes she wept alone at night without sleep and went to school exhausted. When that boy confessed to her one day Namjoo received no surprise. He was just like the other boys. Someone who wanted to sleep with her, use her up, or something. They were all like that. No one loved her the way Chen did.

The flowers that had wilted in her heart never came back to life even when she left the high school. She’d died in the rural area the day of Chen’s death.

Namjoo attended Yonsei with a major in Human Resources. She spent her days studying at school and returning home. Sometimes her father didn’t make it home for dinner leaving her to eat alone. Sometimes her father did make it home to eat dinner with her, but they didn’t talk much because he was tired or in a hurry to finish the rest of his work. Again, Namjoo was left by herself. This time her books accompanied her through the nights.

There was no remembrance of Chen. He only existed in her memory and he only remained there. The ache in her never seemed to subside.

On some early mornings Namjoo would take the walk to school and sit inside a coffee shop a few blocks away from campus. At her own little table she’d watch the world go by while sipping on her coffee. There were times when she needed to remind herself that life still existed and people were able to move on happily. Whenever she tried, she’d think about the day she left the dream behind.

Namjoo had sinned and she didn’t deserve better than any beggar on the street. Even a dog would never abandon her puppy.

Remorseful Namjoo would leave the shop to walk around. She’d sit in lecture with her mind racing and there were times when she walked out in the middle of class. Today, she did the same.

The clouds were puffy; it was yet another warm day to be enjoyed outside. There were students strolling around; each and every one busy with their own little thing. Others were dashing to make it in time for class and others loitered around slowly. Namjoo wondered why she was there and what it was that she was doing.

Upon leaving campus Namjoo walked further toward the bus stop where she rode the bus around the city. She just sat there at the back staring blankly out the window and sometimes watching passengers come and go. So many people came and left, boarding the bus and getting off when it was their stop. Where was her stop? What was her destination? A step down to Hell?

The corner of her lip would curve at the mere joke. It wasn’t like she was intended for Heaven anyway. In all truth, Namjoo had no hopes for Heaven. She wasn’t sure she believed in the place. The Golden Gates, the palace, the almighty peace and happiness up there…then why wasn’t it possible where she was? If she couldn’t even believe in it, how could such a place exist?

What a joke, she thought.

Namjoo finally alighted from the bus at a random stop deciding she’d had enough. A few blocks further down the district brought her to a playground barricaded by a fence. Her steps slowed and stopped upon hearing the laughter and squeaks of children. As her eyes traveled toward the noise she saw children of 3 and younger playing around the sets on the playground.

With lips falling apart she felt her expression immerse into loss as she caught a little one running across the blacktop into the arms of the daycare assistant. Her mind blurred and her heart raced. Flashbacks of Chen, his death, the pregnancy tests, going into labor alone, and giving up the baby raced in fast forward motion in her head.

An overwhelming nostalgia slapped her in the face and she backed away from the daycare unable to hear the traffic behind her. Her body leveled back and she tripped into the road when her foot slipped off the curb. The brakes of a car screamed in front of her, its bumper nearly touching her head when it came to an absolute stop.

Her chest became heavy, her eyes diluted, and her breath loud before the car door opened.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

Namjoo felt someone grab her arms before pulling her up to her feet.

“Miss, are you alright?”

Placing a hand against her face she nodded and bowed in apology before stepping onto the sidewalk. Tilting her head forward to stare at the ground Namjoo walked away from the daycare before eventually stopping and covered her face with her hand in a desperate act to repress her tears.

~~~~~

“How’s school?” Chanyeol’s older brother questioned. “You don’t look too happy with that face. Another exam?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Chanyeol muttered leaning his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. With a deep sigh he leaned forward slapping his hands against his legs, “How do you do it!? How do you pass your college exams?! I swear! I went in for help and this is what I get for working my off!”

His sister-in-law laughed from the passenger’s seat, “We were all there once in our lifetimes. In a few years you’re going to look back at this and laugh. Enjoy college while you’re in it. The real world’s nothing like it.”

“That’s what they all say,” Chanyeol mumbled, “I don’t see the difference.”

His brother chuckled from the front seat before letting out an alarmed shout and suddenly braked. Chanyeol felt himself fly forward into the driver’s seat, his head banging against it before catching himself.

“You two stay in here,” his brother cautioned before stepping out.

“Wh…what’s going on?” Chanyeol stuttered.

His sister-in-law still gasping from shock shook her head, “I think someone stepped into the street.”

Heaving a sigh of relief Chanyeol leaned back into his seat first staring out the side window then to the street. His expression immediately changed when his brother pulled up the girl from the ground and at once his heart hit his rib cage…hard.

Chanyeol would recognize her from anywhere. He barely survived wondering what he’d done wrong the last year he hadn’t seen her. Often he wanted to know where she was and what she was doing, if she was seeing someone, or if she’d gotten married yet.

“Thank goodness she’s not hurt,” his brother announced when he got back into the car. “Are you two ok?”

While his sister-in-law replied Chanyeol felt himself fall into a daze. The confession he’d made to Namjoo falling back into pieces in his head. It had hurt and it still hurt. Even so, he still wanted his answer. When he returned to his present state his brother was already driving off. Chanyeol’s heart seemingly raced again and twisting around in his seat he saw Namjoo slowly becoming a small image behind them.

“St…stop the car!” Chanyeol ordered.

“Huh!?”

“Stop the car!” Chanyeol repeatedly tapped his brother’s chair before he eventually pulled over to the side of the road.

“Why? What’s wrong?” His brother wondered.

“I…” Chanyeol began, “you go home first.” Then scooting over he unlocked the door and ran out.

Starting with a slow job he hurried toward Namjoo, his heart in his ears, his palms sweating, and the world ahead becoming blindingly brighter with every step. She, his myth, was coming back to life in front of him and he would be reaching out to her again.

His foot thumped against the concrete loudly when he stopped before her panting. A broad smile overcame his lips naively like a fool in front of her. Though Namjoo was staring at the ground and unable to see him he knew she’d look at him soon. The thought of having her lay eyes on him again made his whole tremble in delight.

“Hi,” Chanyeol greeted, but the naïve smile on his face became dispelled when he saw the ruin on her face.

He’d never seen her look so forlorn…torn…sad…broken…he didn’t know how to describe it. She looked like a mixture of it all and it made him feel disheartened seeing her like that. Why…did such a person look like that?

Pressing his lips together he continued to stare at her with a loss of words. And he remembered he knew nothing about her.

A disgusting smirk climbed onto her face as if exasperated and she turned aside with a short laugh. The moment seemed unbelievable to both of them; he with his own thought and she her own.

“What are you…” she started, “forget that.”

“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologized immediately, for what he didn’t know, but he felt the urgency to make an apology.

Pressing her teeth together she said, “Who are you again?”

Chanyeol’s eyes traveled up to her face, his eyes holding surprise.

Namjoo turned away to stare into traffic then back to him, “Why are you standing there?”

“No…just…I…” Chanyeol immediately started unable to explain himself.

Before giving him the chance to find his words Namjoo brushed by leaving with him a trail of her cold wind. Namjoo eventually stopped in her steps behind him and slightly turned to look back at him.

“I’m heading to a good place,” Namjoo told, “do you want to come?”

Swerving around Chanyeol stared at her astounded by the offer. Yes, he’d go with her. He’d go with her anywhere. He’d do anything to go anywhere with her especially if it would just be the two of them.

Part of him innocently expected a good dining place; somewhere fancy with neat tables draped in fresh white tablecloth where they were served wine. The glasses would sparkle and reflect the overhead lights and the red carpet would symbolize luxury. Waiters would wait on them and they’d have a meal together.

Innocent scenarios wove themselves into being inside his head and Chanyeol could feel his heart leaping. He wanted a romantic atmosphere or maybe a friendly one would be better. What mattered most, though, was that it was just the two of them. Why had he waited so long for this day?

Chanyeol figured he was getting too ahead of himself when face with disappointment. Namjoo led him into a part pub, part bar place. The lights were not bright, but dim and the drinks served came in cups, not flashy wine glasses. And the counter made of wood, not a rounded table draped in white cloth.

He felt like he was still such a child in the midst of a dream hard to achieve, just like his exams. Namjoo was just like his exams. Everything she did, he couldn’t predict. Maybe then he should have worried about why she’d brought them there instead of brooding over why things weren’t going the way he imagined.

“Do you want to eat fries? Chicken wings?” Namjoo questioned. “Wings are twenty-five cents. We’ll get both.”

Chanyeol had never been inside a bar before. This was much different, but more casual than he’d expected. He thought bars were flashy places and they were always carded upon entry, but it didn’t seem so. There were beer signs hanging by the window, three pool tables at the back under smoky lights, and a dart game hanging on the wall. Behind the counter sat bottles with names he never heard of before and the stench that lurked in the bar was none he recognized. Already, he could feel his mind spinning.

“Bad day?” The bartender asked.

Chanyeol’s head shot up to look at the round bearded man, his heart palpitating with anxiety. He was worried about how to respond.

“Just stopping by,” Namjoo replied.

“New friend?”

“I guess.”

“Here you go; your usual. The food will take a few minutes,” he placed a cup in front of her and then a bottle of beer before walking away.

A slow enchanting music lullabied him into boredom and quiet chatter from behind him resonated through the air. Chanyeol didn’t know why he was there nor could he grasp the reason why Namjoo was sitting at the counter. He didn’t know of this kind of life. Growing up as a good son had kept him from wild parties and drinking. He only knew of studies, romance, and of the girl his heart only wanted. Chanyeol wasn’t good at anything else.

Even when the food came he only picked on the fries, but Namjoo didn’t touch the food at all. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there, but when they’d gotten there very few people were around. Without realizing, the sky had darkened and more customers came in. The music overhead gradually became more energetic and chatter became noisy.

Namjoo didn’t speak to him at all. It wasn’t like what he’d seen in his mind.

Turning to glance at her he caught her eyes dangling into her fourth drink. She looked forlorn and depressed as if wrapped in a blanket of overwhelming sadness. This wasn’t the person he knew…

“N…Namjoo,” Chanyeol began, “are you ok?”

She didn’t reply and he reached a hand out hesitating to touch her.

“Should I take you home?” Chanyeol asked.  

Sliding off his stool he watched her without placing a hand on her because he was afraid of offending her.

In the end he decided, “Wait here, I’ll go call a cab for you.”

Chanyeol began to turn, but stopped when Namjoo suddenly grabbed his arm. He turned around to look at her caught off guard, the bass music rocking in his ears.

“Do you,” Namjoo started, “want to sleep with me?” 

***Sorry for the late late late update. I'm so busy, school work is piling up and life isn't giving me a spare break. I'll work on the cover or something, but it's so late and my eyes are burning ~.~

***At first I wanted to make this a happy story, but then I felt like turning it melodramatic to give it more reason to extend the story. And I want to make it different from what I've written before. I don't want Chanyeol to be the good guy character who follows her around, but he's just so innocent and naive in here I'll have to see what I can do with her. Namjoo's character is so depressed and dark, for once. I think that's a change, right?