Chanyeol felt like a speck of dust in her height. He was something dirty that garnered in the far corner of a room, a place no one cared to check or look. No matter how far or near he seemed; she always tended to have such a huge presence in his stand. Whenever she smiled, it would affect him. Whenever her eyes wandered to the tip of her lids, he would feel lost in time with her too.

In the face of strangers, he would blindly mistake their smiles for hers. When the corners of her lips would start to climb toward her ears, Chanyeol would think it was such a refreshing thing to witness. The smile on her face was proof that the heart could be incinerated in the face of simplicity. And he thought about it so much.

Namjoo was a myth. A myth he couldn’t really prove existed or not. Something always seemed to be following her. There was always something there with her that uplifted his spirits and it sparked life in him. Was it really there or was it something that only came to play in his world? But everyone around her always seemed affected by it too.

When sad, Namjoo consoled. When happy, she would laugh and smile. Her friends were plenty and there were so many of them. Everyone in his grade seemed to know her or if they didn’t they’d at least be able to pin point out her. No one didn’t seem to not recognize her. She was that outstanding, but he couldn’t get into her sphere.

Chanyeol had known her since his first year of junior high up to his senior year of high school and not once had he said hi to her. No wonder he felt like a speck of dust. No one noticed dust until it accumulated into a gray mound, but he was just a tiny flake despite his large height.

“Namjoo!” One of her friends would scream while running across the field toward her.

Just the way she turned to look for her friend through the crowd of students on the field was enchanting. The way her neck gently twisted as her head made a move closer to her shoulder and the way her hair swayed in her ponytail were such fine directed movements. Those little things always caught the most of his attention.  

Then the corner of her lips would tilt up and she’d broadly smile and call her friend over for the game. He was too far away on the bench underneath an overgrown tree the school had voted against cutting down a year ago to hear her voice. Chanyeol still thought he could hear her voice inside his mind anyway. He’d listened to her talk so many times it felt like he’d mentally recorded her into his head.

He liked her voice and the way he would catch her humming as he walked by. It was smooth and flowed like a river with soft currents and patient tides. Chanyeol thought everything about her was soothing and it wasn’t just because he liked her too much. It was fact.

It was hard to recall when or why or how he started liking her so. He just knew she made his heart palpitate like a fool when she was in sight. Chanyeol would come to feel nervous even when she was as well as ten feet away. His heart would tighten up and he would strain for his breath. Sometimes he would even wonder what to say if she were to speak to him. Obviously with him like this, of course they’d never spoken to each other at all.

Namjoo probably didn’t even know there was a Park Chanyeol in her grade. He was just a quiet person with large glasses and a smile that made him look like a lopsided neighborhood idiot if he were ever to laugh.

“Don’t laugh like that,” his mother would scold, “your braces are going to show. Aigoo…how in the world did you come to look stupid? Fix that smile of yours. Is it your glasses? We should get you a new frame…”

Even though the braces had come off a week ago he still had to wear retainers and when he spoke he thought he sounded weird, so he didn’t speak at all. His appearance couldn’t be compared to Namjoo’s. She was pretty beyond beautiful. Her eyes were big too and when she smiled they shimmered as if she had both the moon and sun in them. His eyes were just googly big and he thought they were creepy.

Namjoo was often surrounded by the kids of the upper class families. They were all smart and every time he spotted them outside of school they were always wearing the top fashion. So while he hid behind advertisement stands or at the corner of a store, he’d watch them go by cheerily and almost enviously. Always they were in the same pack and their parents were probably in the same circle, he assumed.

Although he didn’t know very much of Namjoo’s life he saw that her family was of the higher middle class. He’d seen her dad come pick her up in a black Sedan one day.

Chanyeol admired her. On quiet drifty nights in the silence of his room he’d imagine Namjoo coming to him. They were a happy couple shy to hold hands and would blush when their eyes met. And he’d imagine cuddling with her because that was as far as his thoughts allowed. He respected her too much to imagine doing the inappropriate with her. Besides, all this was just in his head.

The end of the semester was quickly approaching almost like a nightmare. Chanyeol was anticipating it with all his heart, yet dreading it with all his strength. Once he got out of high school he might never see Namjoo again. If the upcoming weeks came more slowly, he’d be able to keep her in his field of vision longer.

Other students were excited for their college career while others spoke happily of finally leaving the prison of the classrooms. Chanyeol was choked up with fear. He would go to college, but that was just a thing that would come with the flow. What most scared the wits out of him was what he wanted to do with his last school days. All he thought about was Namjoo and Namjoo all over again.

Hence the thought that she had her future plans set and ready to go made him hesitate. He’d never thought about confessing in all these years that he’d known her. Yet if he did nothing now, the opportunity might not come again.

Then he would think back to a drama he’d come across on TV. The second male lead had said he would have no regrets going after the female lead because he’d already tried all he could, so he wouldn’t feel sad even if she didn’t choose him in the end. And Chanyeol would think about the ways he’d tried to approach Namjoo.

None.

That was it. He hadn’t tried at all and maybe that was where the fear choking him was coming from.

How many times he’d sighed over and over over the same thought he didn’t know. Chanyeol had lost count of all the sighs that had escaped him.

No one knew he liked the too good for him Namjoo. In the first place, he was too afraid to speak about it. People would laugh at him and he would become the laughing stock of his class. He didn’t want to be looked down upon by his fellow students. Chanyeol had always wanted to be at an equal standing with them, but he’d never done anything to be at their level.

He was a quiet coward, that was all. And it was such a silent shame itself.

He had friends, of course, and people talked to him randomly here and there, but there were no real friends. He felt no sense of connection to anyone like Namjoo to her peers. Her friends were always asking for her. He’d hear a “Namjoo!” here and another “Namjoo!” there. Through his high school years he’d heard such calls so often something would feel off if he didn’t hear them call for her.

And he’d gotten so used to just watching Namjoo from across the hallway. What would he do if he never saw her again? It was a big worry.

So that was why he wanted to say something, but he was so scared. What if he was shunned? Or what if Namjoo didn’t even take notice of him when he spoke to her?

A speckle of dust would really be him then.

The mere thought of it was frightening.

As the remaining school days upped and left, Chanyeol became more restless. He would shake every time he headed in Namjoo’s direction and just when he thought he had the courage to talk to her, someone would pull her away. A breath of relief would surge through him then he would be a hypocrite and scorn that person for doing their deed when he’d been so ready.

On the first day of the last week of school, Chanyeol had persuaded himself over the weekend to buck up and be a man. Even if he would become a coward at the last minute, he would still do it. If not then, then he would never do it.

With legs shaking and his breaths becoming short for no apparent reason, he clutched his hands into mighty fists before starting toward Namjoo who was just making her way down the hall. He would walk toward her and he would speak to her. Chanyeol would do just that.

Those footsteps of hers were slowly entering his ears becoming louder and louder as seconds grew by. His tongue became dry and he gulped loudly. Namjoo’s eyes were focused blankly in space and he wasn’t sure where she was looking, but his focus was set on her. While his heart became drums in his ears and Namjoo was finally in front of him, he slowly stopped in his steps and tried to smile. His lower lip drooped from his upper lip ready to talk, but Namjoo passed him by just like that, like the click of a mouse.

All that was there was blank.

She should have seen him. Or was he really invisible?

The long hallway became even longer and everything crashed loudly inside his head. He could hear windows shattering and a scream breaking out at the back of his mind. It was crazy and his heart was still beating so rapidly he didn’t know whether he was breathing anymore.

His fingers unfolded from the mighty fists they’d been in and he turned around to see that Namjoo was still walking down the hallway. She’d passed him just like that, like he was nothing at all. And he didn’t know whether that stunned him more or the fact that she hadn’t looked at him.

If their eyes had met just once he could have done it, but now he just felt like a dried piece of seaweed camouflaged into the grass.

“There you are!” The popular nerd, Sunghoon, caught him at the end of the day and handed him a bucket and a dirty mop. “Clean these for me ok? I’ll buy you lunch tomorrow!”

Chanyeol watched his classmate run off to join the friends waiting for him at the school doors and they disappeared after talking loudly. Well, it wasn’t like he had anything to do anyway. Succumbing to his weak fate he walked outside toward the fountain outside behind the baseball court and e of the faucets on. As he plunged the mop into the oncoming water he thought watching the water flush out was so much like his insides.

Everything was falling, leaking to the pits of his stomach. They made him feel weak and insulted, but he couldn’t fight them. Chanyeol wanted to feign ignorance to these feelings, but they were overwhelming.

Why was it that when he’d always noticed Namjoo, she’d never seen him at all? What was the fairness in that?

They were silly questions to ponder about, especially when he was the only one who cared after all. But why was it like this?

“I know! I’ll be there!” A voice shouted and his eyes rose up when those familiar footsteps neared him.

His eyes landed on Namjoo’s face when she turned the fountain on the opposite side of him on and rinsed her hands. For a split second he thought he was being laughed at by life, but Namjoo was really there. Quickly dismissing those trampled emotions he felt his heart lunge forward and his insides twist up. A surge of anxiety flushed through him when Namjoo suddenly glanced up and their eyes met for the first time in all the 5 years he’d known of her.

“Hi,” she greeted with a soft smile.

Chanyeol was confident that he looked like an exact fool when his lips suddenly fell apart and his eyes widened further. And Namjoo turned away naturally after turning the faucet off before slowly trudging back toward where she’d come from. Chanyeol’s breaths quickened and his heartbeat started running miles.

If not now, then when?

Suddenly dropping the mop he dashed after her as the mop clattered to the ground behind him.

“W…wait,” he stuttered stopping in front of her to bring her to a halt as well. “Um…”

“Yes?”

Chanyeol’s lips protruded, but he was afraid. He hesitated on and off for about a minute clasping his fingers into a tight fist. At last with eyes clamped shut so he wouldn’t first witness her expression he squeezed the words out.

“I really like you!”

There was nothing said. The atmosphere was absolutely sunk into mere silence and he didn’t even hear Namjoo smile or try to move. A windy gust blew by and Chanyeol slowly released his eyes from the darkness. His emotions swept up into a hot wire ready to blow up.

Nothing in Namjoo’s face told him she felt his confession or that she felt he was pitiful. At least, she could give him an apology to turn him down. If she let him hurt for just a bit he might be able to get over it, but Namjoo didn’t offer anything and he was left between the state of dumbfoundedness and despair. And that was just wrong. It hurt even more.

“Why? Do you like me because I’m pretty?”

His eyes quickly swayed over her face.

Yes. Part of that was true.

“What else?” She prompted him for an answer.

At last he tripped. His mind fell through and he didn’t know what to say. What was an acceptable answer in this situation he hadn’t at all predicted?

Namjoo was so much more different than he’d expected. She didn’t use the friendly tone she had with those around her. It was as if she was expecting something from him that he had no clue at all about. This situation was as if he’d studied hard for an exam, but once he had the exam nothing he’d studied was on it.

He hadn’t studied this. He wasn’t prepared for these answers that were to come right off the spot. He couldn’t automatically react. He didn’t know what Namjoo was looking for. And he realized, yes, he was just a flake of dust. He didn’t know Namjoo, who was in his grade.

“I heard you got into SNU, congrats,” was her last words before she stepped aside to walk away.

Everything shattered at once right then.

Why…

Spinning around he asked, “Is that all?”

Namjoo paused in her steps, her back still to him. The melancholic music that accompanied them was the gushing of the water from behind and he thought it couldn’t have been sadder.

“I…I had to use so much cou…courage to s…say that,” Chanyeol stammered.

She twisted around and his eyes immediately went for the ground ashamed. What was he going to do now? He should have let her walk off. Why was he such a fool!?

But really, his heart was breaking. He liked her so much and this was it?

“It's funny because I can't even remember the first time I heard your name. It's just always been there, hearing it so often makes me feel comforted,” Chanyeol reminisced, “‘Namjoo,’ your friend here would call you and then ‘Namjoo!’ again over there. It's like you've been following me for as long as I've been around you. If you say this to me, how am I supposed to react after confessing?”  

He could make the sound of her feet pivoting against the sandy ground before she just walked away. The gushing of the water from behind became the flowing tears leaking inside. And Chanyeol thought he died a little that day.

***Oho! It's finally here! I'm extending this into a short story for you in apology for delaying it for such a loooong time! 

***This first chapter is about how Chanyeol sees Namjoo. It's all in his head about her perfection, but the real girl isn't someone he knows. Of course we'll get into Namjoo's story later. Farewell for now! I hope you liked it!

***P.S. I fixed the forewords too, go check it out.