Special thanks to my wonderful bff, peoji99/Kesia for the poem. I love you girl :)

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You woke up and he was there. There in the windowsill, sitting and smiling at you. With sunrays illuminating, it seems like he has been waiting for you to wake up.

‘Good morning’, you say. He just smiled, as always.

It wasn’t him if he didn’t smile but sometimes you wish. You really wish for him to stop smiling because you don’t want cry, you don’t want to hope. He didn’t move, he was just there. You stood up and went to bathroom, he was looking at you through out.

When will that time come?

When will my happiness come to me?

You went out of the room and straight to the kitchen. You passed by at the living room. He was at the veranda, smiling. You knew because it was his favourite place and forever will be.

‘I am going to make pancakes.’ He looked at you and smiled heavenly. You always knew his favourites.

You used to cook for two but you cut into half. You’ve finished cooking, you sat down and eat. He pulled out the chair in front of you and sat. He keeps on smiling as he watches you eat. You grimaced, he was there. At the same time, he wasn’t.

Yoochun called, asking if you need anything. Changmin called, telling it’s okay not to go to work. Junsu called I can stay over.

You thanked them but simply refused. You were lucky enough to have them. You were lucky but then you wish you hadn’t met them because you keep on remembering, which you were tired of.

It's alright I'll just wait for it

Even though it hurts a lot

For six stressful months, he wasn’t there. No words, no explanation. He’s gone. All left was tears and unanswered why’s. It all became puzzle to you. You went home all alone. No traces of Yunho in every corner of now your haunted house, just memories. It’s very difficult for you to live up your life, worrying about his whereabouts. No one knows what happened to him. As if he vanished into thin air. You don’t know. You don’t know until when you are going to cry. You tried moving on, try finding someone new but you can’t. No one can replace him. It will always be him.

It all tote down to you. Maybe he grew out love. Maybe he grew tired of you. Maybe he felt that he doesn’t want to be you anymore. You hate the fact that you know that he loves you and you also hate the fact that you believe he is really gone.

The three dropped by, crashing your house.

“Cheat day!” Changmin stated.

“We want to be with you.” Junsu said.

Yoochun just shrugged.

I tried to ignore

I tried to forget

A unusual ring bewildered the slight joyous moment of the three of you. A ring that you would probably forget if you haven’t heard it now. And it all comes back to you. After all this dreadful months, he was calling you know. You all was stunned, you ran to your room to pick up your phone.

“Hello? Yunho?” you nervously asked. You felt happy yet you cried. You saw the three followed you and was waiting for you to tell something because you know that they missed him, you missed him.

“This is not Yunho.” You recognized the voice first before you understand what she really said. “He needs you. Yunho needs you.”

She change so much. You wouldn’t recognized her if she didn’t come up to you and say hi. She looked so thin, tired, exhausted.

You followed the direction she gave you. They moved houses but you were stupid enough not to notice that they didn’t leave the country. Maybe he have seen you everywhere. Maybe he was following you, maybe he was –

“Jaejoong.” You looked at her. She was so young, so young yet you don’t understand why she looks so fragile now. Before you can open your mouth, she enveloped you in a hug, tears staining your shirt.

This is the other him. And you know if she cried, there is something wrong with him. You don’t need to ask anymore. The way she cried gives you more than that. But you don’t want to cry, you have to save up your tears later.

“It’s okay, Jihye.” You hushed. “Everything will be alright.” But you can’t make yourself believe so.

I tried to erase

But it's not that easy

She guides you to a room, probably his room. She stopped on a two way door and looked at all of you. You looked at the younger ones. They knew that they had to get in first because you, you are still not ready to see him. You still have to summon up your courage to see him.

She opened the door as she beamed. “You have visitors.”

Yoochun stepped in first. You saw the surprise and also the tears. He really cried.

Junsu second. He looked up and held his hand to his mouth. He cried.

Changmin followed. “Yunho” he breathes. His eyes are all glassy. You think he was gonna cry but you know he was a lot stronger. You saw him smiled and exclaimed. “I think being bald suits you.”

All left was you. They all waiting for you to go inside, to take a glimpse of your forever.

You don’t know what to say if you see him. You asked yourself, will you cry? Or you are gonna pretend that you are okay.

You took a step, little by little. You are really taking the time to walk because you are still afraid, afraid that something about him will hurt you. Your heart beats fast as if will jump out of your ribcage. The nervousness in you soars higher because you are finally inside. All you have to do is raise your head and look at him.

You count one to ten before you raise your head but before you can raise it, river of tears slipped out of your eyes. And there, he was at his bed. Half-seated and smiling while holding a white board written You found me.

I can't even get through the day

I'm still waiting, some how

He can’t talk, he can’t walk. All he can do is eat and still write. He was weak or Jihye just told you so. They called you because he already knew it was his time. And they all felt bad that he was going to leave without you knowing. You thanked her and went to his room. You saw him spending his time staring at the window.

You sat down at the free space behind him at his bed. He looked at you and smiled lovingly. You cringed.

“Do you want something to eat?” you asked. He didn’t reply.

You stood up to make his favorite food, kimchi jiggae. Before you can move, you felt a hand tugging your shirt. He has no strength. The grip was too tight. You looked at him as he pulled your hand against his cheeks. He kissed your palm and tears fell. You can’t help but cry.

You know he was mouthing sorry even if he was having hard time. You shook your head and said its fine. You lay beside and hugged him. You said it is fine but you know to yourself you are lying.

He left in the chilly night after Christmas. You slept beside him and he cuddled you like there is no tomorrow. You should have known that he was about to go. You woke up and felt the lost feeling that you had back ago. You know what is wrong so you just balled up yourself and sobbed till everyone heard you.

You helped at the funeral although his mother insists not to. You know they are more stressed than you are. Everyone offer their condolences. Yoochun and Junsu never stopped crying. You thanked Changmin for being the pillar. You are not strong enough to held them in your arms.

They asked the four of you not to attend the burial anymore. You all agreed. Before you all left, Jihye gave a box each one of you.

“He asked me to give this to you” she says. “When he was still able to walk, to be happy.”

Tears keep falling, blocking my vision

Please come back to me

You immediately opened the box as soon as you got home. The first thing you found was a bottle of soju. You met him when you are furiously drunk. You were strolling drunk and about to smash his car with that bottle. The next thing you know, you are lying in his bed and he was at the floor, sleeping.

It was compilation of memories. In every memories, you can’t help but cry. The last thing left was a small red velvet box and a piece of paper.

You opened the box and cried even more. It was the ring that you have always wanted. You didn’t know how did he find out. You picked up the letter. It was his handwriting but it was written nicely.

Do you like the ring? He asked you. “yes. So much.” You whispered.

You don’t know how much I’ve wanted to give this to you personally but I ran out of time.

As I leave you, please don’t cry. I don’t want you cry.

But you cried. You will never stop until you have him back.

One day, we will be able to get things right.

One day, I will have you back.

You are the best thing that happened to me.

Losing you is like a part of me dying.

“A part of me died already.” You sobbed. Tears soaked your face, nose clogged. Your tears spilled the paper, your eyes are all blurry but you keep on reading.

But I will never damn your future.

Keep the ring for me, remember me as a family.

I will let you go. Be happy.

I love you, Jaejoong. Forever and ever.

Yunho.

I only look at you but you don't know

I'm waiting, waiting for you though it hurts

They were all banging your door right now. You opened it and tried to smile but you failed. Tears slipped again and you are tired of it.

“He’s gone.” You cried. “He’s already gone.”

Changmin hushed, enveloping you in a big hug. Another two pair of arms joined the two of you.

“We are here.” Yoochun whispered.

“We are going to be okay.” Junsu murmured.

You nod. You will be fine. You will try to be. As long you have them, you will be okay.

Yunho, I love you.