Dreaming Eternally
Almost Full
Dear Baekhyun,
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you but I knew you had exams this week.
I just wanted to thank you for—well, for everything. Thanks for coming by to check up on me, even when I was no longer part of your route or schedule. Thanks for spending the night with me after my surgery, even though you had school the next day. Thanks for all the books and movies you let me borrow (I still have a few left, but I don’t think I’ll get to the ending). But most of all, thanks for all the paper.
I remember the first time we met. I had just been admitted the week before and it was your first day volunteering at the hospital, or so I had later found out when you couldn’t tell the difference between all the buttons on the bed. I was particularly sad that day (how happy can a cancer patient be?) because they had just told me that I was terminal. My parents refused to believe it though, which is the only reason why I even got to meet you. They insisted on the chemo even though there was no point.
So there I was, probably looking really pathetic, when you came into my room with a smile that could light up a town. I didn’t really see the point in smiling anymore, but I felt my mouth twitch a bit when I saw you. You introduced yourself with an awkward bow before proceeding to do whatever it was that you volunteers do. I didn’t pay much attention to you at first, but soon, I found myself looking forward to your required visits. Maybe that was because no one else came by—how could they? My parents transferred me to a hospital that was two hours away from where I used to live. Sometimes I wonder if that was for my benefit or for theirs, but you already know that.
A week later, you asked me what my name was even though you could’ve just looked at my chart. When I didn’t say anything, you stepped closer and bent down a bit so that you could see my eyes. You asked again, but you sounded different from before so I looked up—only for a moment though; you were so close. “Chanyeol,” I said. You stood up a bit with surprise in your eyes. Everyone reacts the same when I speak to them for the first time; it’s always amusing. I must have smiled a bit because you grinned in a way that made your pearly whites shine. “My name is Byun Baekhyun,” you said. Your arm twitched, like you wanted to hold your hand out to shake mine, but instead, you reached out for a chair and took a seat next to me. For the first time in two weeks, someone spoke to me like a human being. You asked me how old I was, where I was from, why I was here…all of which you could’ve found out from my chart, but instead, you chose to ask me. It felt like a real conversation; thank you.
I don’t know what prompted you to start talking to me that day (maybe you’re just that kind to everyone, it wouldn’t be hard to believe) but I am forever grateful. You made me realize that death wasn’t something to be afraid of. “It just is,” you said. “I mean, it’s sad when someone dies but just think: they never have to worry about anything anymore because they’re dead. They don’t have to worry about getting sick or wonder what they’re going to eat the next day. If you think about it, life is really hard work. It’s like getting to go to sleep and not having to deal with everything that comes after waking up. Just think, Chanyeol, you’ll never have to brush your teeth again!” Your laugh filled the room and little did you know, it filled the hole that had been growing.
“At least you know when you’ll be dying,” you said. “I still have to worry about getting struck by lightning and my dad’s horrible cooking when my mom’s not home.” You always made me laugh; I missed laughing. But soon, I was back to my “dorky self,” which you came to know very quickly. You called me a “happy virus” because my personality would be contagious to the whole room, but it was you who was contagious. Every time you were happy, I was ecstatic; every time you were sad, I was depressed; every time you were mad, I was livid. But every time I was happy, you would smile and laugh with me; every time I was sad, you would sit on the bed with me and let me rest my head on your shoulder; every time I was mad, you would hug me and take my weak punches until I calmed down. You were my friend, my punching bag, my shoulder to cry on, and my inspiration to carry on, even though I knew what was waiting for me. Thanks.
I’ll never forget the day that you brought The Little Mermaid after you found out that I’ve never done myself the service of watching Disney movies. A little pouch fell out of your backpack when you took out the plastic case. I picked it up from my bed and it was made from a sheer material, holding little paper stars. There was a small note inside and that’s when I teased for making such a cheesy a confession.
“These origami stars are also called wishing stars or lucky stars,” you told me. “And different numbers of stars, when given to each other, mean different things.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Some numbers are just puns of Chinese phrases but as long as the jar or container is full, it means full of love or blessing,” you said. “There are only a few in here because each star represents a memory I’ve shared with her. I hope to be able to make more.”
You looked so happy talking about these little things. The way your eyes brighten up when your smile reaches them was beautiful; it made me happy. So I asked you how you made them. So the next day you brought precut strips and spent all your free time teaching me. Pinching was the hardest part for me. Oh, how many strips did I waste with my big gawky hands? You made it look so easy with those lovely hands of yours. They’re fit for a pianist and sometimes I would want to ask…but then I remembered that even if you were, it wouldn’t have mattered because I would never get to see or hear you play. The thought of missing that was too sad.
Thanks for putting up with me. The nausea from the chemo and how weak I was; I know that took a toll on you too, even though you were braver than I was when you smiled. If there was one thing that I enjoyed more than watching your hands weave paper into stars, it would be when those fingers were in my hair. Sometimes, I would pretend to be asleep just so you would fix my bangs and sometimes, you would know but you would still do it anyway as if I was family. Thank you.
I didn’t have much of a life, so you told me about yours. I’m glad I was able to be there to listen. You trusted me with so much even though we only knew each other for so long. It meant the world to me when you came by during your own time. You told me all about your friends, and to think that you chose me over being with them—that’s why I was crying that day; I was so happy. Thanks.
Though, when you weren’t around, I tried to make those stars. They weren’t as perfect as yours, but I tried my best and put the nicest ones in the Coca Cola bottle that you and I shared. You told me that I could keep the bottle but I wanted you to have it. Did you know that it’s been in my drawer the whole time? I hope that I can fill it before my time is up, but my fingertips get sore after a few dozen attempts and I can’t make them as fast as you do.
I guess this is my lame attempt at showing you how much you mean to me. What’s a bottle of stars to all the hope and happiness you have given me? I guess I’m trying to do the same. Or maybe I want you to have something to remind you of me—please don’t forget me like my parents did, like my friends did…
I’m sorry though. You never bothered to look at my chart (I wonder if you even knew how sick I really was) and I didn’t have the heart to tell you that I might not make it through the week. How could I when we were having so much fun playing video games? I almost told you when you decided to leave early so that you could squeeze in more studying. I wanted you to stay because I was still scared. But that would be selfish of me considering you were here because you chose to be. Thanks for coming even when you didn’t have to; I’m sorry I lied to you.
“We’ll play again after I finish my exams,” you said. “You can try and beat me then.”
I just nodded, not trusting myself with any other response. At the last moment though, I found my voice and told you “Good luck.” Did you see it in my eyes? . “Thanks.” You looked worried right before you left, even though your smile was still the last thing I saw. I wanted to hug you, but we normally don’t hug, and that would’ve made you worry. I would never live it down had I been the cause for distracting you from studying. Just because I have no future doesn’t mean I should ruin yours as well. You’re smart, Baekhyun, very smart. And I wanted you to show those big name colleges that. I’m not very smart, but you still treated me as if I was one of your friends. Every time I was with you, it was like the cancer didn’t even exist.
I wish I got to know you better. I wish I had more time with you. But if there was one thing that you taught me, it’s to have as few regrets as possible (that and not to worry). So, thank you for everything. Thank you for making what little time I had left in this world so much brighter. I am no longer sad about my fate because it led me to you and you gave me some of the most precious memories I’ll ever have.
I hope you read this with a smile because you deserve to smile, Baekhyun. Please smile. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and it would be a shame if the world was deprived of such a lovely sight. If you cry, I hope it’s of tears of joy because I “no longer have to worry about anything." I hope that I gave you some good memories too.
Please take care of yourself, Baekhyun; I don’t want to see you any time soon.
Goodnight, Baekhyun. I love you.
~Park Chanyeol
P.S.
I’m sorry if the bottle isn’t full; I’ll keep making them until it is. I promise.
P.P.S.
I’m sorry, Baekhyun. I couldn’t even keep my prom
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