Summer was here but still, the skies in Seattle would not stop being cloudy and rainy. I looked out of my window and felt my throat choke up as I recalled the day I hurt you so deeply that I hated myself.

 

*

 

“Let’s break up.” I said to you with my back facing you and the echoing sounds of rain coming out from outside, filling in the silence that came right after I said the three taboo words.

“…What are you talking about Hae? …Why…?” You turned me around with a look for surprise, confusion and a frantic need for clarification.

I looked up at you trying to stop the tears from escaping my eyes and said, making sure that my voice was hard and steel like.

“Because I don’t love you anymore.” I shook your hands off me and took a step back and put a sneer on my face.

“Actually, I’ve never loved you.” You look at me with an expressionless face but inside, I knew that your heart was bleeding with every word I said to you and it hurt me more than anything in the world to have to say these words to you but…I had to.

“From the very beginning. Everything I said to you was fake. I was lying to you.” I took another step back and said,

“Everything.” The rain outside began to pour and lightning flashed across the sky with the thunder booming a second later, making the small apartment shake.

Your face finally betrayed a hint of bewilderment which was soon replaced with a smile on your face that told me you thought everything I just said was a joke. How I wished it was.

“Hae,” You took a step forward but then my phone rang. I knew who it was. And I deliberately made myself act as I took out my phone, I put on the brightest smile I could master before answering the call with the sweet voice I used to talk to you over the phone.

“Honey! How are you?” My eyes were looking down at the ground with that fake smile on my face but I was really looking at you, watching you get hurt.

Another male voice spoke and I answered,

“I know! It’s summer right now but it’s pouring! I wish Seattle’s weather would just keep in track for once!” The voice over the phone laughed quite loud for your face to change again into a look of…anger? Betrayal?

The look on your face looked like it was about to burst in the hurtful words that I deserved and I did want to hear them. Because it just might be the last time I ever get to hear you speak ever again.

I ended the conversation with the person over the phone as soon as possible and then hung up. I looked back up at you and saw that your teeth were clenched and your fist were both shut tight.

I wanted to walk over to you and unroll those fists. I wanted to kiss the look of anger out of your lips. I wanted to hug you and feel your skin on mine.

But the most I could do know while still feeling your skin on mine was if you hurt me. So, wanting the last second of skinship, I decided to provoke you into hurting me.

“What? Angry now are you?” Your eyes filled with murder and I just laughed but it was so forceful I was almost certain that you could hear it. But, you didn’t.

You took two steps forward and you were standing in front of me, the front of our body so close to each other that even a slight move, I would be able to feel you. But I couldn’t back down now. No matter what.

“Why are you doing this to me? To us even.” You said, a voice merely a growl that made me tingle all over but I couldn’t stop. I had to end this. Soon. I couldn’t keep on this façade any longer.

“Don’t you get it?” I said as I looked up and looked at him in the eyes. His beautiful eyes that used to be filled with love every time I looked at them. But now, they were filled with nothing but hate.

“There was never, an Us.”

 

*

 

I felt a pair of hands snake itself around my waist and I turned to see my husband looking at me with a bright smile. The smile I have seen on him every single day since our marriage the past 2 years.

Yes, it’s been two years since I’ve seen you. I’ve kept my distance and I’ve made sure that my marriage was not in Seattle but in somewhere where my newly wed husband felt comfortable in. So, I moved back to Seoul with him.

“Good morning Haeyee~” He sang to me and I smiled back at him and kissed his cheek. Although at the beginning of our marriage, we lived it in Seoul, eventually, we had to move back to Seattle for his work.

“Good morning Hyunseung oppa.” I replied and he kissed my neck before leaving and saying,

“I’ll be back home at 10pm earliest so don’t wait for me okay.” I gave him a smile and nodded and then continued staring out the window, thinking that he had left. But, he hadn’t.

“Haeyee,” I turned back around and saw that he was standing in the doorway, looking at me worriedly,

“We’ve been back to Seattle for almost half a year and you never go out but always stay at home. Don’t you miss any of your friends in Seattle? You need to go out and have some fun!” I gave him a wan smile and shook my head.

“I like staying at home.” He sighed and shook his head.

“What happened to the out going Haeyee I used to know…” He muttered before taking one last look at me and then leaving.

I sighed too, wondering the same question to myself. What happened to the me I used to be? I asked myself. I knew the answer. But there was no way I was going to answer it.

The doorbell rang and I frowned. Hyunseung just left didn’t he? The doorbell rang again and I got up from my seat, slipped on a wool jacket and my slippers and then made my way down to the front door.

I opened the door and standing there was my best friend, Pandora. She looked at me and I stared at her. For awhile, neither of us said anything until finally, she ran to me hugging my tightly.

“Oh, my God Haeyee! I’ve missed you SO much! You never told me that you were getting married! And you never told me that you were going to Seoul! What’s up with that?!” I gave her a smile and then replied,

“I’ve been busy.” She cocked and eyebrow and nodded slowly as if she believed me but we both knew better than to believe what I said.

I invited her in and for the next 3 hours, we did nothing but chat. We talked about my marriage life with Hyunseung and she talked about her fiancé Sanghyun (MBLAQ Thunder).

“Hey, look, how about this. Since you’ve been back in Seattle, there’s a lot of things you probably don’t remember. Why don’t I take you around for a drive and a batch of fresh air? I can’t believe you stayed in here for the past SIX months! This isn’t you! What happened to the our going Haeyee I used to know?!”

There it was. The same question. I smiled and replied,

“I don’t like going out that much anymore.” She frowned and then got up, shaking her head.

“No way. I’m not going to let this happen. Come on, we need to get you OUT!” She ran to my wardrobe and flung open the door only to be left with an open mouth. She turned her head slowly towards me and then said,

“I think we need to go shopping first.” I laughed. For once in a very long time.

 

-

 

Shopping wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. We went to South Center which was the biggest shopping centric there is and then we went to the Factory Outlet right by the new casino. We bought about everything and when we got back, after sorting through all the clothes, my wardrobe finally looked like…a mid 20’s wardrobe.

“THAT’S more like it! Now, let’s see! What should you wear today……..” She trailed off as she chose me a pair of shoes, a necklace, a bag and a dress with a cardigan. She gave me the set and said,

“Change.”

20 minutes later, after doing my hair, Pandora and I walked out of the house and went off to play. For about 5 hours, we played. It was the first fun time I’ve had ever since I stopped seeing you.

At about 10pm, I remembered that Hyunseung was finished with work and I told Pandora that but she just replied,

“Look, I told Hyunseung while you were changing earlier that you were coming home late and he seemed happy. So, you are staying with me until I get tired. You don’t have a choice!” She linked her arm in mine and then said,

“Next stop, POISON IVY!” I frowned at the name and she quickly clarified when she saw the look on my face.

“It’s a club.” I began to protest but she shut me off,

“It has the BEST music! No alcohol, no drugs, no smoking, no inappropriate dancing, just mingling! Don’t tell me you can’t even mingle now!” I shut my mouth and didn’t say anything.

“That’s what I thought! Let’s go already!” 10 minutes later, we were standing outside with our ID’s in our hands and my consciousness telling me that I can’t enter those doors. As if…I was going to see you.

But before I got a chance to run away, we were already at the front of the line and the security dude already pushed us in. I sighed and just gave up. I walked into the club with music blaring into my ears and Pandora’s hand on my arm, making sure I don’t run away.

The music finally ended and then the whole club suddenly started chanting something along the lines of ‘Infinite’?

“Who’s Infinite?” I said into Pandora’s ear, shouting so she can ear me. She shouted back in my ear as 7 guys walked onto the dark stage.

“They’re a really popular group-“ That was when I stopped listening to Pandora speak as my eyes saw you, standing on the center of the stage, looking at the crowd in front of you with a smile on your lips but with cold eyes.

The music began to start with the people chatting and in less than a second, your voice came through the mike and people started shouting as member after member around you on stage began to sing.

The lyrics you were singing to…was it for me…?

I remember that feeling from
Long ago when I looked at you
I remember that time when
I knew you, you knew me
I wanted to be like you
hang out with you
I think about those desperate times
But it's merely a memory
that has passed by

And can you smile? smile...
you want this
you hope for this
I can't seem to have you with only my heart

And can you smile? smile...
I said to leave
I said I'm okay
It seems like I can give you nothing
but this to you in the end

I remember long ago
when i received your heart
you were overflowing me
and i'm thankful
i think of those time

we love each other
we were at our happiest
then came across farwell
you were overflowing me
I'm sorry
I can't hold you back

And can you smile? smile...
you want this
you hope for this
I can't seem to have you with only my heart

And can you smile? smile...
I said to leave
I said I'm okay
It seems like I can give you nothing
but this to you in the end

And still, still in the end, still I..
but probably in the end, I still..
And still, still in the end, still I..
but probably in the end, I still..

[Rap]
But I was suffocating from
those frequent words of yours
You say that my way of talking and 
actions make you lose your words
make your anger rise
on this violent night
the stars light up the sky,
the moon shines
you go steadily on your path of stars
the night is coming
it is covered only by other stars
but the moon always stays there
I will always be here for you, want you

And can you smile? smile...
I want you but..
I'll hold you but..
your smile is fading beside me

And can you smile? smile...
I said to leave
I said I'm okay
You might even be happier
if you leave my side

Tears began to sprout from my eyes and it rolled down my face in sync with the beat of the song. When the song finally ended, a guy to your right stepped forward and said,

“Thank you so much for listening! The next song is called Nothing’s Over!” The tears would not stop coming out even as the second song with the quicker beat came on.

I listened to the lyrics again and I cried harder.

You are drifting away
You’re becoming [to look like] a point, far away
My feet won’t move
Only my heart is chasing and following you

I still can’t even explain it
You’re taking a step back, goodbye
For just a moment, I goodbye, goodbye

Nothing’s over, nothing’s over
Nothing’s over, nothing’s over
Nothing’s over, you’re reciting a spell to me
You can’t see another guy
You can’t be already like this
It’s not the end yet, it’s not the end
I didn’t send you away

I think about you all day long
Even if I’m in the dark for a moment
I’m wandering around, searching for you
I’ve closed in my feelings
When you came to find me and held me
Inside your warm melody
I hear that, never forget you
I’ll be fine, my baby

Nothing’s over, nothing’s over
Nothing’s over, nothing’s over
Nothing’s over, you’re reciting a spell to me
You can’t see another guy
You can’t be already like this
It’s not the end yet, it’s not the end
I didn’t send you away

When we met each other for the first time
I was just shaking so much
The words you said to me
I was a fool to believe them
I couldn’t sleep because of thoughts of you
I was trying to push them all back
Hold me even though you’re drifting away
Hold me

We can separate, yeah we can
But not like this, not like this
I can’t end it, you can’t see another guy
You can’t be already like this
It’s not the end yet, it’s not the end
You’re the only one to me

The song finished and I was about to leave when our eyes finally connected amidst the crowd and I saw your eyes widen in recognition. As if on impulse, I took a step back and you jumped into the crowd with the girls squealing around you.

I ran out of the club with Pandora crying my name over the noise and I didn’t respond.

I ran and ran. Away from you. Away from the two songs you just say. Away from those lyrics that made me cry and long to be yours again.

Over the past two years with Hyunseung, I had become happy. I realized that I love him. But no matter how much I love him, you were always there in my heart, beating Hyunseung’s position in everything by 10 places.

You were always the #1 in my heart but it had begun to change recently. Now, as the look of you recognizing me clouded my vision, you were back at the #1 spot.

As I ran, I heard fast approaching foot steps behind me and I really wanted to turn around to look. But I couldn’t. I knew you would catch up with me if I did.

“HAE!” You finally called out my name. Tears began to drop as I heard my name come out from your lips but I pressed on.

“LEE HAEYEE!” I shook my head and replied,

“GO AWAY! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU!”

“THEN WHY WERE YOU AT THE CLUB?!”

“MY FRIEND DRAGGED ME THERE!!!” Your footsteps stopped and simultaneously, so did mine. I puffed as I breathed in air with my heart beating frantically.

“You didn’t miss me did you for the past 2 years?” You asked me finally. I stopped breathing. How was I going to answer you? 2 years have passed and I thought I would never have to face you again. I was so wrong.

“Hae, answer me.” I whimpered silently and told myself to do what I felt was right. Screw Hyunseung. I could divorce him. But…did I really want to go back to you?

I turned around slowly and finally met your eyes. Your hair was flowing in the air and your eyes were waiting for an answer. You hadn’t changed one little bit.

“I…” You must have seen me hesitating because you stopped me from talking.

“Nevermind. It’s too late anyway. I’ve already found myself a girlfriend.” My eyes widened and I finally said,

“Who?”

You looked at me and said,

“I don’t think you have the right to ask me that anymore.” And then you turned away and walked away from me. I was happy though.

I didn’t know if I had the courage to leave you a second time and turn my back on you a second time. I was glad that this time, you made the cut.

The lyrics of your first song replayed itself in my head.

And can you smile? smile...
you want this
you hope for this
I can't seem to have you with only my heart

And can you smile? smile...
I said to leave
I said I'm okay
It seems like I can give you nothing
but this to you in the end

I smiled to myself and whispered,

“This song must be called Can U Smile.” 

________________________________________________________________________________________

@KPOPisLUV: you couldn't reply to my wallpost about who your favourite Infinite member is and there was no way I was going to learn about them so I just made the 'him' into a 'you' so i hope u did all the daydreaming while u were reading~ <3 

and i also added hyunseung oppa as ur husband <3 hope it helps <3

xxx

SDA