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A/N: When I went back to look at the last chapter yesterday I realized that I cut it off by quite a bit in the “Cut & Paste” process, like the bit where their fight is actually absolved… so I added it the end of that chapter and here for anyone who read the abbreviated version.

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“Yongguk, we aren’t breaking up.  All I need is you.  I need you to stop jumping to the finish line.  I need you to get out of your head and just live in the right now. I don’t need or want world to know about us, I just wanted them to know so it was a little easier for us but if you think that’s not the right path for us then instead of internalizing everything you need to talk to me.”

“Okay.”

“No ‘okay’ Yongguk, we always fight about this.  I don’t want to fight, stop treating me like a child and talk to me,” he demanded.

“And you?  You spent all day gossiping about me to Jongup,” I spat back defensively.

“It wasn’t about you.  It was about Daehyun.  There’s something you need to know.”

“Daehyun?”  I loosened my grip stepping back to face him and he kissed me, my bottom lip roughly between his teeth.

“No, us first this is more important,” he hissed, keeping my lip captive between his pearly whites.

“Channie,” I mumbled incoherently, attempting to pull away.  He held on tighter. “Oww,” I wailed slapping his bottom roughly.  He let me go with a ‘hmph’.

“You were planning to just let me go without a fight?  You’re an Bbang” he huffed.

“When you want to break up I have to let you go right? I can’t force you to stay,” I reasoned, gingerly my lip.  I could feel the indent of his cute bunny teeth.

“When?  Why are you always expecting the end, Yongguk? What have I done to make you so insecure?  What do you need from me that I’m not giving?”  He asked softly, his finger alternating between poking my shoulder and outlining the deep indent of my collar bones.

“You’re perfect, its me and this comeback and Japan and TS and my songs…” I couldn’t finish any of those thoughts.  The words were too hard and the sentences didn’t quite form in my mind.  

We had planned a three single comeback after our tour, expecting among them to be our first chart hit maybe even a music show win.  It was meant to be a send off, our way of cementing our place in the kpop scene before we spent the rest of the year building a solid fanbase in Japan.  Instead, I was subjected to meeting after meeting about the success of our peers (Exo and Vixx specifically) and our shortcomings in comparison.  As leader, I was expected in turn to relay this disappointment to the group.  But I didn’t know how to tell the boys I watched work until every muscle in their body was burning in protest, that they weren’t working hard enough. I had to explain why we weren’t getting a vacation between our comeback and Japan and why we had to promote simultaneously in Korea instead of just enjoying our debut.

It was my fault.  I hadn’t produced songs that TS felt confident releasing as a lead singles and I hadn’t led the group well enough to be trusted on the type of variety shows that could launch our careers.  We had offers: acting, hosting, Immortal song, variety, but none of us possessed the skills we needed to stand on our own two feet, and that blame was falling on my shoulders.  I wasn’t performing well enough as a leader or a producer.  How could I be trusted with the most precious connection I’d ever had?

“Are they blaming you for us not selling enough?  Yongguk you can’t listen to them anymore,” he sighed, pressing his forehead to mine. “We’re all doing our best and your best is enough.  You’re more than enough.” He said the last bit with extra emphasis.

We kissed, slow and gentle, soft and intimate until the cold of night didn’t touch me anymore and the heat of his body and the beat of his heart was all I could feel.

“And if I ever try to break up with you, as my friend you should stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Got it bastard?”

“Okay,” I sighed exasperated.

He punched me in the arm, dragging me back to his bed where I held onto him every inch of my skin pressed to him.

~*~

In Which Communication Falters: Part 2

“What the ?!?!” I had forgotten.  I had completely forgotten about Daehyun and the conversation Himchan was trying to have in the midst of my mental melt down, so it came as quite the shock when I skimmed the social networking sites and found word that Daehyun was sleeping with a Chinese fan.

There were no pictures and no concrete evidence attached, just whispers and descriptions but it was enough.  I knew the fan, I knew the nights in question and above all, I knew Daehyun.

Daehyun is a wildcard, difficult to assess to predict and impossible to analyze.  His public persona was direct and even comical, and at times he could be, but beyond that he was the source of a lot of internal strife, conflict and insecurities.  Nothing he did would surprise me but this certainly angered me.  It was stupid, stupid and dangerous and harmful.

“Is he out of his ing mind?” I demanded, busting through manager’s office and out into the hallway where Jongup and Himchan sat playing a card game. We were in the middle of practicing taking a long break between modified choreo and newly introduced formations.  We were alone, unmonitored as TS prepped Jieun senior for her comeback.

“You heard then?” Himchan asked with a shy smile.

“Is this true?” I asked Jongup.  It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Himchan, it was just that Himchan loved his dongsaeng in a way that made it impossible for him to not sugarcoat their wrong doings. This was true even for Daehyun with whom Himchan always had an awkward relationship.

“Is it true that Daehyun is messing around with a fan? Or are you asking about Youngjae?” Jongup asked innocently.

“Youngjae too? Their both messing with a fan? Is it the same one? what is going on?” I stomped, my blood pressure rising dangerously.  I don’t lose my temper often, it was one of my only positive qualities but the idea was beyond infuriating.  Boys have needs. I have waited and expected for them to act on those needs accordingly.  I have never sat down and discussed dating with the boys but I did not want or need them to be celibate.  As a man though I expected, I guess stupidly so, that they would be responsible.  And I hoped they would follow Jongup’s suit and discreetly grab on to a normal girl or a trainee.  To me the thought of dating another idol was insanely dangerous, but relations with a fan is beyond any stupidity I could have ever guessed my donsaeng to be capable.

“Oh, no Youngjae doesn’t have any girls, it’s just Daehyun,” Jongup said proudly.

I pushed passed them, Himchan following close at my heel.  In the room Daehyun and Junhong sat chatting about old movies and actresses.  In the opposite corner Youngjae sat quietly, head buried in a book.

“You got something to tell us, Daehyun?”  I stood in the doorway trying to swallow the fear and the anger building in my chest.  It only took one misstep to ruin a career and if Daehyun was gone so was a huge chunk of our fanbase.

He stood instantly meeting me at the door with an air of arrogance and nonchalance. He did that when he was nervous or scared.  He knew he was wrong.

“Not really,” he shrugged. The lazy movement lit the short fuze in my gut.

“How can you be so ing irresponsible, Daehyun?”  I pounded my fist against my chest in exchange for punching him directly on his plump lips.

“Yongguk,” Himchan grabbed at my wrist, attempting to pull me away from the situation.  The other boys have fought before.  Not long ago Youngjae and Junhong went at it and it took Manager Kang, Jongup and myself to break them apart, but I have never been so tempted to raise my hand at a member before.  

“We aren’t ing BigBang, Daehyun we can collapse and fade as quickly as we debuted and no one would miss us!” I shouted from behind Himchan, grateful for his barrier between us.

Jongup and Junhong filed awkwardly behind me, uncertain what to do and like clockwork Youngjae stood behind Daehyun, backing him no matter the cost. Daehyun stared off into space, his face unmoved.

“Do you know how ing stupid you’re being?” I howled.

“No stupider than Jongup having a girlfriend,” he countered cowardly. In the year I have known him I have gained respect for him slowly, through his hard work and stability, I lost most of it then. No matter what situation I was in, even if it meant an end to my career all-together, I would never throw my dongsaeng under the bus.

“But she’s not your girlfriend is she?” Himchan asked calmly.

“Does it matter?”  he continued to argue though I could see clearly in his eyes that he knew his own faults but could not own up to them like a man.  He wasn’t a man, he was a child and in my own way, so was I. I was afraid to own up to my own relationship but I expected my teammates to do what was right.

“To me personally?  No, but having a girlfriend and ing a fan are different, you see that right?” Himchan pressed but I was too far in my own thoughts to back him up.  

“She won’t tell, it would be dangerous for her too,” Jongup spoke up for the first time.  He came to his hyungs defence without a second thought.  In many ways he was a better man than me but I was still the leader and today I needed to lead firmly.

“We can’t afford any danger.  Our songs, our whole album isn’t doing as well as the company wanted,” I started, not missing the small wince from Junhong.  “We’ve got competition erasing our entire existence,” I continued honestly. “Do you understand the position this puts us in?  This is our second year, we can’t make any mistakes, got it?”

I faced them one by one.

“Yes,” Junhong nodded vigorously.

“Of course,” Himchan agreed.

“Uhh-hmm,” Jongup shrugged.

“I understand,” Youngjae conceded, still watching the Daehyun’s back with concern.

I waited for Daehyun to face me, to agree or deny instead he remained silent inspecting his shoes with interest.

“We’re getting ice cream,” Jongup announced after a long heavy silence.  He grabbed Junhong and disappeared out the door.  Practice was over.  

“Finish it.  Quietly,” I hissed, stomping out the room with Himchan at my heels. I dialed the taxi company by memory, Himchan watching me from the doorway with interest.  When I recieved the confirmation number and the serial number to the taxi that was scheduled to arrive in 10 minutes, I dropped into Manager Kang’s swivel chair.

I brought my hands to my face rubbing my eyes, trying to allow my mind to come to the conclusion that my heart had already made.  If I wanted to be a good leader, I needed to set an example. I needed to be honest with them and with those I loved, if I expected honesty in return.

“Where are we going?”

An unexpected smile crept across my face.  I liked that he included himself without asking.  Where are we going?

“We’re going to my sisters house.  I want her to be the first person we tell.”

He walked slowly toward me, closing the door behind him before he spread my knees and stood between my legs.  He looked down on me with a gentle calm that soothed my beating heart. This was the right thing to do.

“The first… will there be more?” He asked evenly, outlining my jaw with his thumb.  I leaned my head against his hand and he cupped it, gently combining my hair with his other.

“Yes, there will be,” I said firmly, tilting my head to kiss the inside of his palm.

“Will that include the group?” He asked pressing his lips to my forehead.

“Yes.”

“And our families?” He continued.

“I’m telling my sister and brother-in-law… I don’t know about everyone else yet.  You don’t have to tell anyone,” I whispered bringing him into my lap.  He’d been complaining about gaining weight recently but I couldn’t feel it.  In my arms he felt same, solid and warm and perfectly Himchan.

“I want everyone to know, I’d tweet about it if I could... I don’t think fans would mind.  They might even like it,” he giggled.

“I can just imagine the stories they’d write about it,” I joked, letting my hand travel down his back and land firmly on his .

“They already do… some of them are pretty good, they give me ideas,” he said mischievously.

“Ideas?”

“Hmmm,” he hummed tracing the muscles on my neck with the tip of his tongue.  I gripped him tighter. Pulling him in for a kiss as my phone buzzed signalling the arrival of our taxi.

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End Note: For anyone who hasn't read the Daejae story where this chapter is told from Daehyun's perspective you should check it out here: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/545835/4/completely-abandoning-judgement-bap-daehyun-youngjae-daejae The last couple of chapters of this story will have a bit of cross over, with my Jongup story and my Daejae stories, since they are going to be the last stories in this series. I'm debating between writing a Nu'est or a YG Winner series after this... but I also have an idea for a book, so we shall see.