If Only...

Description

I'm standing on a bridge, I'm waiting in the dark... I though that you'd be here by now...

But you weren't. You will never be here. We were strangers but we were each other company and still you abandoned me here, with only my shadow and tears. This lonely bridge is now my last company... Even my shadow leaved with the Sun.

There's nothing but the rain, no footsteps in the ground.. I'm listening but there's no sound.

The rain, I hope it burns me and takes me away from here. At this time, in this place... who could ever search for me? And the sound, I am no longer hearing it. Maybe you were right... maybe I don't have a heart

Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home?

Why would anyone care about me? I am just a lonely person looking at the moon in a cold winter night... There isn't a person anymore that can protect me. And home, what is it? I may be still alive but this live is not worth living... My home is not here anymore

It’s a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life

And tonight, in the cold of December, I cry again, because I don't have anything more to do. Because I can't stand anymore and I can't do anything else than cry.

Won’t you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new

Maybe if I saw you for last time, maybe if you reach my hand and pulled me up, if you embraced my empty body for a moment and looked at my eyes, my homeless spirit would be able to follow yours and discover that place that it was searching for...

I don’t know who you are but I, I’m with you

And for the last time, a memory could fill this broken heart with love, remembering those words that you once said to me, and now they don't mean anything but lies

I’m with you

And I used to think you were too, but you showed me that I was just living in a façade. Still I retain those feelings towards you.

I’m looking for a place...I’m searching for a face. Is anybody here? I know

Looking for somewhere to be far from you, to erase you of my mind like an old drawing. If only I could find someone to wipe out your kisses of me, I will never come back to you.

Cos nothing’s going right and everything's a mess

And now that I think about it, you told me that living was never my thing. Guess you were right huh?

And no-one like’s to be alone....

But now I'm no-one to the world.

....Oh, why is everything so confusing? Maybe i’m just out of my mind...

If Only I knew you would do this to me, I would have never fell in love with you.

Foreword

That was the only thing he could do. He cried again, not knowing the reason of it. He just cried because he didn't had anything else to do. As he sighed, the Sun disappeared in the horizon, and the clouds poured the most gloomy rain that could ever exist. "Great. Now even the clouds are pitying me." Baekhyun said slowly, feeling the rain that was soaking his body. But he could feel nothing, or see, or hear. He only could sense the rain dropping in his crying figure, and the icy wind that caused him to shiver. But he stood still, looking at his surroundings and wondering about how could he forget her. That thought, –even when it was the smalllest in the ocean of sentences that wandered around Baekhyun's mind— had a devastating effect inside him. "I need to free myself of you, Kwon MinRi"

And he did.

This story is completely original. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

(A/N: This one-shot is part of the contest The Chosen One byknovelist)

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danslapoubelle #1 Aug 15, 2013 08:56:14

Chapter 1: What a tragedy.

In general, I'd say that such a fic is common in the everyday world, but seeing as though you compacted everything into a one-shot alters several factors. Within each paragraph, there are various beautiful depictions of fine imagery to emphasize the mood and allow the readers to smoothly slide in for an emotionally bumpy ride. Baekhyun is a mentally scarred soul with no will to live following the departure of his late girlfriend, and his feelings are expressed in a way that complements what's occurring in the exterior (a.k.a. the background).

This makes for a fine piece of writing; however, the transitions do not fly by smoothly enough for us to feel as though we are constantly in the mind of Baekhyun. As a result, we become confused, and the purpose of the scene alternations remain difficult to understand.

Furthermore, a few verbs you integrate into the story ruin the sentence structure of your paragraphs, with the majority being placed somewhere in the beginning of each paragraph. For example, " … and the clouds poured the gloomiest rain that could ever exist." Do you see what I mean?

As a whole, I'd say that the only thing that's bothering me is the way you start your paragraphs. Otherwise, the story flowed beautifully with small, symbolic exaggerations to intensify the ambience.

What I like about this story is that it's quiet, but powerful. Emotions aren't exaggerated to look as bad as they really are; they're only but a silent base of lava slowly melting the characters to their pits. Good job overall, but there are a few things you could tweak here and there.

My apologies if this comment was too harsh for your liking.