2003. Winter. Seoul.

“ya Kang Junhee where did you got this drunk from? You reek of an alcohol” yunjae said as he saw his friend stumbling down the apartment door. It was the first time he saw Junhee like that. Junhee looked up from the floor as he looked up at Yunjae which his face was decorated with frowns. He feels so dirty of himself.

He smiles at him. Just looked at him smiling and said nothing. His heart seemed to hurt more now these days, the stress was killing him. Every time he want to look it seemed like it’s too heavy, too breath taking.

He eyes wondered around Yunjae’s face, his puppy like eyes, those mole below on his right eyes. His nose, he smiled at his messy bed hair and lastly he looked at his lips… those lips looked so tempting, soft. He looked down again, sliding down on the floor. Feeling dirty of himself thinking that way of his friend. Friend, he bitterly thought. He knew, he would be his friend and nothing more.  The reality that he was living wasn’t one of those fanfiction that Siwon wrote, where b-love came true. And yeah Siwon, he likes her too.

 Somehow he lived with this reality, trying to adapt.

“Junhee get up from the floor, let’s get you to bed” Yunjae said making him wake up from his train of thoughts. He kept silent.

“ya how much did you drink? Don’t you have a work tomorrow” Yunjae said as he picked up Junhee, bringing Junhee’s left arm over his shoulder, lifting him up, carrying him to his room. Junhee was this close, but why does he feel more distance.

“yunjae… Yoon Yunjae…” Junhee blurrly said.

“yes yes I’m Yoon Yunjae. It’s almost passed 2 am, sleep, I’ll wake you up at 8, is that ok?”

“yunjae… it’s hard…” Junhee said as he was now placed on the bed

“mm okok working in hospital wears you off? Doesn’t it”

“it’s hard… I drink too much today ‘hickup’ but it’s hard ‘hickup’ why am ’hickup’ I even smiling when I see you?”

“ya you crazy bastard, stop smiling at me like that, it gives me goosebumps, sleep. I have a case tomorrow, I should sleep” Yunjae said as he was taking off the thick clothes of Junhee was wearing, got him under the covers.

As he said that, he went to the door, close it after he left the room. Junhee sighed as he looked at Yunjae’s leaving figure. ‘he left’ the smile he was just wearing left as the silent room filled with sniffs, tears rolling down, on the sheets, he brought his hand over his eye as it stings, brushing away the tears.

Eyes on the ceiling, he felt lonely, keeping this secret in his heart was painful, but it became more painful as he sees Yunjae now.    

He wanted to give up on his love to become a friend who will not change. He thought but…

He sits on his bed, looked at the alarm o’clock beside his bed table, on  the drawer, 2:30am.

He lifted his body on the bed, trying to turn the door handle silently, he walked down the hall, going to Yunjae’s room, he leans his forehead on the door. ‘Yunjae..’ his heart beating fast as he again tried to turn the handle silently, trying best not to make any sound and praying that Yunjae already slept.

As he opened the door, he saw Yunjae laying on his bed. He walked towards the bed,

“yunjae…” Junhee said not too loud, more like silent whisper. He got closer to him. Sat beside the bed.

“yunjae…” he said again.

“are you already sleep?”

The other person didn’t answer him. Guessing that he was already sleep.

He continued to eye him, “yunjae… it’s hard, not because of studying or working, because…” he sighed, he continued looking at Yunjae. Why did he started to like him? He asked this question again to himself.

But he didn’t really know. Was it his eyes. His mole? Or his personality? Or the way he act? He wasn’t really sure what?

He leans closer as he hands getting closer, his fingertips brushing his cheeks, ever so slowly, like he was somewhat expensive glass, that would break if you brushed it hard.

Junhee’s eyes landed on those lips again, how does Yunjae tastes? Bitter? Or like a sweet like candy?

Now that he think about it. These years he silently stares at Yunjae’s lips more.

He leans in closer to him, just once, just once, he thought as he leaned closer to Yunjae’s lips.

As his were centimeters apart from his Yunjae moved away. Junhee backed away.

He chuckled to himself.

He shouldn’t do this… he knew it since he decided to just stay as friend…

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1996.spring. Kwangli entrance ceremony

Kang Junhee just enrolling in High School, he thought of making friends but would it be easy, sure he had friends but not that close, he would just meet them in school, or walk with them to the same direction, if they lived together. Junhee he was easy-going, obedient, likes to help people, give them advice, it was something natural, since he had 8 sisters at home, asking him various things to the simple like ‘how does this look’ when they buy new outfits or accessories.

The class he was appointed on was … he was about to see it where he was when one of the student, start complaining about seating with their scores, he guessed that he would be sitting 2^nd seat then, who would seat next to him?

“what! This school is crazy, we’re sitting in order of merit? What? I’m the last one”

“no there’s someone behind you”

“what is this? Are we a product, it’s against human rights I have a pride how can I sit like this? Happiness is not merrit” the guy was complaining loudly, Junhee ignored him as he saw his seat was really 2^nd he looked at the name who’s 1^st and who will sit next to him. The teacher yelled

“yes it is, you fools. Do you want to be punished on the first day? Go inside”

“but, teacher, this isn’t fair” another student complained

“what? Not fair?you little punk, equality and human rights don’t exist in high schools. Do you think people will treat you as person if you don’t go to college? Don’t regret it when you’re applying for colleges and get it straight now. Go inside” the teacher yelled.

‘he’s not so nice person, if we’ll oppose him, it’ll only cause trouble’ Junhee thought as he walk to the class with other people.

“instead!”someone said who’s beside him yelled back, ‘what’s he doing’ Junhee thought, he walked across the students passing Junhee

“instead teachers should be ranked by their college and grades” Students gaping at what he just said. “instead of seating us like this teachers should put up their qualifications” he bravely said what he wanted…

“what did you just say”

“equality and teacher authority don’t exist in high schools” he said leaving the teacher speechless for a second. He dropped his stick that was in his hand. But it didn’t stop him from getting angry at the guy. Who’s he? How can he easily say what he wanted?

As he was about to get hit. Another teacher popped in. avoiding him getting hit. As the new teacher told the others go, Junhee curiously looked at the guy, he’s getting scolded again. He looked back few times going to his seat.

Junhee got to his seat, the one’s behind me talking while he eavesdropped on them. The crazy bastard who opposed the teacher just now, is the one who’ll sit next to him. As he entered the class, other guy who’s might be his friend, talked to him. He sat right next to Junhee.

As he placed his bags the side of his chair’s hook, looked at Junhee, at that moment he became still for a second. “do you have English dictionary” the guy asked, Junhee wake up from his daze,

“u-un” he curtly said as he handed his dictionary to him. He curiously eyed the guy, as he placed it on the chair, resting his head on it.

He looked at him more, until the teacher comes in, his attention got on the blackboard where the teacher’s talking and the guy still who’s sitting next to him, sleeping soundedly. He smiled at him, ‘this 1^st guy is interesting…” he thought as he started to take a note from what the teacher is saying to him.

The spring of 1996, at age of 17, was the start of everything for Kang Junhee.

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TBC