The hot water kept on falling on his shoulders. His grey hair falling in front of his eyes and he could hardly see, but he didn’t really care. The water drops kept on falling all over his body and face. Right now he could feel the drops on his lips and all he could do was let them there as he closed his eyes for a moment.

He closed his eyes and wanted, wished that the world would stop. Stop just for a couple of hours so he could stay there and let his fears and frustrations be washed away. He wanted to feel like he could just rest and ignored the whole world.

He could feel his tense muscles relax and for the first time that day he managed to take a long breath, feeling like a huge weight had left his shoulders. There was no other place to look and honestly, he also didn’t know what he could do.

He doesn’t know how long it has been since he’s been under the hot water, but since the other two haven’t knock to his door complaining he was sure he hadn’t been there for too long. He sat on the shower’s floor and pulled his knees close to his chest. He pressed his forehead against his knees and held himself. He was feeling completely lost, lonely.

And knowing who was outside, acting like the most perfect couple in the world, wasn’t helping at all. It was making everything worse and he could swear that he was going to pass out or even die if he kept on thinking about those two. Why? Why did they decide to stay in the dorm? Why didn’t they left?

Why didn’t they go out with the other members? Why didn’t they go on a date? Why did they decide to stay in that stupid couch to torment him? Why did they decide to stay there and act all perfect and in love? Why couldn’t they see how much it killed Jongin? Why couldn’t they see how much Jongin wanted to cry as soon he saw those stealing glances? Why couldn’t they see that Jongin wanted to die when they touched each other?

“I hate this…” He whispered to himself as he felt the water hitting his body. He wanted the water to wash his pain away, but if only it was that easy, he would have done it much earlier. His mother always told him that love wasn’t something easy, that it took a lot of work and sacrifices.

She also told him that when someone really loved, when it was true love, the person would know. And that person would know when his target of affection was happy with someone else and had to accept it. After all, love is allowed to other to be happy, even if it isn’t with us. At least that’s what she always told him. “Then why aren’t I happy? Why aren’t I moving on?” He asked.

Jongin raised his head and allowed it to hit the shower wall behind his back. At this point, he didn’t know what were tears or water drops, but he didn’t care. He was actually thankful that his tears were mixing with the water. It made everything less pathetic. He hated it. he hated having this cold exterior. It made impossible for him to show how lonely and broken he truly was. The only good thing about it was that, Yixing couldn’t see.

Thanks to his expressions, to his cold facade, Yixing couldn’t really see how broken Jongin was and how he longed for his touch just a small second of attention. All he wanted was a minute. All he wanted was a minute of Yixing’s attention and he would say it. He would say everything he had to say. He would tell his fears, his dreams and he would say that he was the one for Yixing. Not Kris. He would say that the two of them were meant to be together, that the two were the ones who should be together.

He would tell Yixing for how long he has been loving the older man; he would tell him that he would steal him away…he would even admit that he would gladly give up his career as an idol and run away with Yixing to any part of the world. All Yixing had to say was yes. Yes to all.

“Jongin!” He heard his name being called. He turned his head to the side so he could look to the bathroom door. “Are you alright? You’ve been there for a while!” Good old Kris…always worried about everyone.  Just seconds ago he wanted this man to die so he could have Yixing to himself. Seconds ago he was plotting ways to steal Yixing away from him so he would never see him again, for as long they all lived. “I’m a horrible human being…”

Jongin whispered as he closed his eyes for a second. All he needed was a second so he could forget about his horrible thoughts. “Jongin?” He heard again, this time Kris’s tone of voice even more worried since he got no answer. He was starting to think the worst. “I’m fine!” He said with a weak voice. “I…I’ll be leaving now…”

Since he got no response from Kris, he was sure that the older man had left and went back to Yixing’s warm embrace. How he wished he could be Kris, even if it was just for a day. He would give his entire life to trade places with the older man, even if it was just for one day, so he could hold Yixing and tell him over and over again how much he loved him and how much he needed him.

He got out of the shower and grabbed the white towel waiting for him. He couldn’t help but give a small smile. The fabric against his skin felt so good, so perfect. It was just like heaven, but he was sure that no matter how soft the towel was, Yixing’s skin would feel much better. He was sure that Yixing’s skin against his would feel much better than any piece of fabric. He was sure that as soon that as he touched that perfect white skin, he would g insane and that he wouldn’t want anything else in the world.

Jongin raised his head and looked to the mirror. He could see small water drops all over his body, wet hair and red eyes. He looked like someone who had been crying for hours nonstop, but seeing he was just leaving the hot shower, someone would think that he just let some shampoo fall in his eyes.

But he knew…he knew better than anyone that he had been crying like a baby. “…Pathetic…” He whispered and grabbed the towel and placed it on his head. He didn’t want to look to his reflection, not anymore. He grabbed his underwear and his jeans and dressed them right away, not wanting to spend one more second in that place. Actually, he had no idea where to go inside that dorm, mostly because no matter where he went, he knew he would hear things he didn’t want to. He would be reminded of things he would hate.

Once outside, he walked as fast as he could through the living room. He didn’t want to hear anything; he didn’t want to see anything. He wanted to pretend they weren’t there; he wanted to pretend they didn’t exist and he wanted to pretend that they were holding each other in the sweetest way possible. He wanted to pretend there was only him in that apartment, in the planet.

“Jongin!” His whole body stopped. He wanted to move, he wanted to walk to his room, but his body froze completely as soon he heard Yixing’s voice. Why? Why did he call him? if it was Kris he could always pretend he didn’t listen because he was too tired.

He would go right to his room and sleep, forgetting about them. But no. Yixing called him and now he was sure that he was going to stand there until he was told to turn or to do anything. If Yixing told him to shave his head and jump from a building he would probably do it. He would do it because it was Yixing who was asking him and he would never say no to him. Never.

He took long, fast breaths as he tried to calm down his heart beat. He felt his hands closing into fists and he started biting his lower lip. God, why was this even happening to him? Why was he feeling like his heart was going to explode at any moment? Why did he felt like the floor was going to open in half and swallow him? “Jongin, are you alright? You look worse than before.”

Why was he so caring? Why couldn’t he be like Baekhyun? Why couldn’t he just say something snarky and make everyone in the room laugh? Why couldn’t he just ignore that he actually existed? Why did he have to be so caring and why in the world did he have to be so attentive to the world around him? Yixing was supposed to be forgetful and was supposed to wonder around, not sure of what was happening. So why? Why was he being so…so focused on his surroundings lately?

“I’m perfectly fine.” He said as he closed his hands a little tighter, still looking to the hall. He refused to turn. He made that mistake before and he wasn’t ready to see the same romantic scene in front of him twice in one night. It would be too much. He knew his voice had cracked and he was almost sure that Yixing would be able to see his lips shacking.

God, at times like these he wished he was like Sehun. He wished he could hide most of his emotions and people would think it was nothing but normal. An awkward silence took over the room and Jongin decided that maybe this was his cue to leave to his room. Maybe this was his cue to leave the perfect couple alone so they could enjoy each other.

“Oh Jongin, you’re out already!” He heard Kris say behind him. He had no idea from where the older man came, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know either. It scared him and maybe, just maybe he was feeling watched and he hated that feeling. He could swear the older was burying a whole on his head and he wasn’t sure why. But then again, it could be his imagination. It wouldn’t be the first time. “Awesome. Now I can go out.”

Out? What did he meant by going out? Was he going to leave to meet the other members? Were he and Yixing finally going to leave and let his spirit rest for a couple of moments? Were his prayers finally being answered? Were his prayers finally being answered for the first time in his life? “O…out?” He managed to say.

“Yes. Me and Xing realized we don’t have either popcorn or soda, so I’m out to get some. This is a pain in the . But at least I know Xing won’t be alone until I come.” Kris said with a smile while looking to the other Chinese man who smiled back. Jongin wanted to ignore those smiles, he wanted them to disappear into thin air, but he knew he wouldn’t be that lucky. He was never that lucky. “And I’ve to walk to the store so…it will take probably about one hour, hour and half.”

Kris started putting his shoes on and make sure everything was in his wallet. He grabbed his jacket and smiled to both men in front of him. Jongin couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He…He and Yixing were going to be alone? He and Yixing were going to be alone for a whole hour? Under the same roof? No, this couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening to him. Why? Why was he being punished? “So, behave while I’m gone!” Kris said with another killer smile.

“Hey wai-“ Before he could continue his words, the door closed and he stood there, looking at it, only hearing his own breathing and the loud TV. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He couldn’t believe that, in fact, he and Yixing, the man who hunted his dreams, the man who played the number one part in all his fantasies, the man he loved more than life itself, was there.

Alone. With him! No. this couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be real and he knew that he was going to wake up at any moment. Because yes. This had to be a dream. This could be only a dream and nothing more.

“Wanna watch TV with me Jongin?” He heard a very cheerful Yixing ask. He slowly turned his hear so he could see the Chinese man from the corner of his eyes. He could see the older man was smiling from ear to hear, he could see his cheeks were a little pink, maybe because of the heat around them and his lips looked redder than usual. He just looked stunning and Jongin could swear he was about to do something he regretted if he didn’t breath properly. 

“No.” Jongin said. It came out as an whisper but he was sure that the other man managed to hear him perfectly. “Oh c’mon Jongin! There’s this awesome Chinese show where the they-“Yixing never finished his sentence. Jongin could feel his blood boil and hearing the man’s voice didn’t help at all! Not one single bit and he could swear he was going to blow up. What he didn’t know was it came out sooner that what he expected. “I said no!”

Yixing closed his mouth and pressed his lips together, regretting anything he just said. Jongin’s answer came out loud, mean and cold; like he was angry at the world, or in this case, pissed at Yixing and the Chinese man had no idea why this was happening. “…I…I’m sorry Jongin…I just wanted you to keep me company while Kris is gone. Sorry if I imposed.” Yixing made a pause and passed a hand through his hair in a hopeless way. “I know I can be annoying and you’re tired. But I just wanted to hang out.”

Jongin felt horrible. He never raised his voice to Yixing and he felt horrible for doing so. Not even Kris, who usually scolded everyone about every single little thing managed to raise his voice to Yixing. It was like attacking a small baby. It just shouldn’t happen because it was wrong at all levels.

The younger of the two felt like his intestines were twisting and turning after what he just did, but he couldn’t help it. it just slipped and before he knew it he was shouting at Yixing.  

“You must really hate me…” He couldn’t believe he just heard those words. Of course he didn’t hate him! How could someone even dare to hate Yixing? That was exactly like hating all good things the world had to offer. It was just wrong and just bad people did it. “No…I don’t hate you…” Jongin whispered as he passed a hand through his grey hair and placed one hand on his pocket.

He didn’t want to show how frustrated he was, so he would rather close his hands inside his pockets so he could cover up what he was actually feeling. Yixing raised a brow and he just let the words slip his lips without really thinking. “Then….Why aren’t you looking at me?”  Why? Why was he sounding so sad? Why was he sounded so crushed? God, what did he do? What did Jongin do to make Yixing sound like he was about to cry?

Jongin started biting the inside of his lip and looked down to his feet. He took a long, slow breath and even thought he wasn’t looking, he knew…he knew that Yixing was staring at him, waiting for an answer, and no matter what was it. He knew he could lie. He knew he could lie and just say he hated Yixing and everything would be over. But no. He couldn’t lie. Even thought he could and perhaps should, he just couldn’t because he knew, he knew that lying would crush Yixing, and he couldn’t live with it.

“Why won’t you look at me Jongin?” He heard the man ask again. Jongin knew he had to answer, and he knew he had to do it now before he lost all of his sanity. He knew that he had to say everything before he lost it. He could swear he hear Yixing open his mouth again to speak, but before he could, Jongin decided to be first. “Because if I look at you I’ll lose my control…and I’ll never let you go.”

to be continued...