Jongin was annoyed. There was simply no other way to put it. There were no words that could describe how he was feeling at that particular moment. He was annoyed with his friends, he was annoyed with his band members, he was annoyed with his manager and he was annoyed with himself.

To be short, Jongin was just angry at the world. He wanted to go to the top of a building and just tell the whole planet to die and vanish because right now, he wasn’t in the mood to hear anything or anyone. He wanted to stay in his small corner on his bed.  He didn’t want to be where everyone else was and he certainly didn’t want to be all happy and cheerful like everyone else ways.

They just got back from China after some concert that he wasn’t going to bother himself remembering the name, and the first thing he did as soon all 12 got to their apartment was to lock himself in his room. He didn’t care that everyone else was calling him and telling him to join them. They were going to have dinner and probably go out for a while. They wanted to have fun, even if it was just for a little while. Their managers actually allowed them to go out after a long time, but they felt the boys deserved it, as long they didn’t get into trouble.

“C’mon Jongin….come have fun with us!” He heard his friend and band-mate Sehun knock at his door.  He knew the youngest meant well, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to have people around him. He didn’t want to see people around him at all and he didn’t want to breathe the same air as them.

“My head hurts Sehun-ah…you go and have fun…” He whispered as he placed an arm covering his eyes. He heard Sehun whine and complain but then he heard Joonmyeon call the magnae and tell him to leave Jongin alone.

He wanted to be left completely alone and he didn’t want people around him to just tell him what he was supposed to wear, say or do. He was a little bit tired to be honest. He knew he just debuted a year ago, but sometimes if felt like he had been performing for almost 10 years. Don’t get him wrong, he loved what he did, that was why he had been working extremely hard to be where he was, but at the same time, there were things that felt like he wasn’t made to do what he did.

There were millions of people around him deciding what he was going to wear, what he was going eat and how he was going to speak. People who were going to decide what hair color he was going to have, what make-up he should use on stage.

It was suffocating, but one thing that he would probably never admit it, at least not beyond the four walls of his dorm was the fans. The way fans treated him got to the point where it scared him. He didn’t want to leave his house and go to the airport because he was scared of what fans would do. 

He will probably never forget that one time fans got into a range page and he hit with his back and felt. It was probably one of the most painful things he ever experienced physically. He wanted to cry and break down especially when some fans stepped on him, wanting to touch him even if it was just for a second. But thankfully Sehun was there with him and saved him before was too late.

He was thankful for his fans, of course he was, but sometimes the way they chose to express their love was just too much for him and he was sure that one day all of them, not just him, would break down to the point they would refuse to leave their dorms because they were too scared of what could happen as soon they stepped outside their house. And things got scarier when they all found out that Tao’s voice had been recorded while he was showering. If that didn’t scare them, nothing would.

That was why all of them were taking showers together. That was why Tao was afraid to shower alone. They would joke about it on TV saying he should grow up and they hated, but deep down they all knew why the Chinese magnae was so scared.

 He was scared that the next time he showered alone, more that his voice would be recorded. So now, they would go in groups, all of them would check out every corner of the bathroom and after being sure everything was clean, they would shower. Jongin didn’t even want to remember the time a fan gave him a teddy bear with a camera inside. That was scary as hell.

But apart from that, apart from all that mess that it was his life, he had to admit that his dream was worth living. He was always second guessing his choices, but being an idol was something that he never thought twice. This was what he wanted; this was what he was born to do, so, even though he felt like he couldn’t breathe so many times, he was somehow happy. He was a happy person, but not at that particular moment.

Not at all. He wasn’t happy at all with what was happening at that moment and he was sure that he was going to explode if he kept on thinking about that particular thing, but it was stronger than him.

He couldn’t stop it and he hated himself for it. He felt like a child at that moment, but there was nothing that was going to stop him from feeling what he was. It all started on that stupid trip back from China. It was what it started his bad humor.

 That stupid plane trip was what made his blood boil, his insides twist and his want to kill people around him.  All he knew was that if a look could kill, he was sure that certain people would be in their coffins ready to be under the dirty in a matter of seconds.

Never a plane ride took so long, and they had traveled to Russia. It was painful to just sit there and watch. Watch and not be able to do anything. Why? Why couldn’t he do anything about his own anger you ask. That was a pretty good question with a very obvious answer.

He was a coward. He was simply a coward who couldn’t do anything to calm down, to calm his heart. Instead, he would sit far away and drown on his own anger and jealousy, because he wasn’t strong enough to just get up and tell the world what he was feeling at that particular moment.

No matter how much the members asked him, he would always say that he was okay, that he was just having a problem with the plane but he would be fine after a while. He would grab his hands tightly and just mumble random words full of anger, thinking that it would help, but instead his hands would become red and he would dig his nails so deep that he didn’t even realize he was bleeding until Luhan warned him.

Luhan…Jongin couldn’t help but think that Sehun was a really lucky kid for having such a good Hyung with him. He was caring, sweet and was always there when he was needed. That was what he wanted. That was what Jongin wanted in his life. He wanted his own hyung to see only at him and care only for him. He knew his thoughts were selfish and that he was just being a kid, but he didn’t care. He just wanted it to be real. He wanted all of those fantasies and all of those thoughts to become real.

He wanted to stop moping around and wanted to actually man up, but instead he decided to keep behaving like a 5year old who wouldn’t have candy or his favorite toy. He knew he was being stupid and because of it he had no right to complain about his life.

But he just couldn’t help it. he just couldn’t help feeling that burning thing inside his stomach every time he saw things he didn’t enjoy at all happen in front of him. He hated those things but he was pretty sure that one day he was going to explode, and if that happened, he was the one who was going to make a fool out of himself and would lose all the reason and rights to be that way. “Not that I’ve any right to explode in the first place….” He whispered to himself as he started looking to the ceiling. His room was completely dark and the only thing he could manage to see was the outline of his hands.

He hated the dark. It made him feel lost, alone and hopeless. It made him feel like he had no one in his life and made him feel like there was no one to rely one, but sometimes it was the best for him because it allowed him to express what he was feeling deep inside his heart. Deep down, he was sure one day he was going to enter depression and it would be his entire fault because he was an idiot and didn’t know how to make a stand when he should.

“I’m going to shower…” He said to himself, not wanting to be inside his dark room anymore.  And usually a shower made him feel better. It made him feel like his worries were being washed away and that when he got out under the hot water he would be a new man.

He jumped out off his bed and opened the door. The bright light from the apartment hit his eyes and he couldn’t help but grown as he closed his eyes for two seconds. Why in the world would the members leave the dorm and leave all the lights on? Their managers were always annoying them to save on energy, and there they were wasting it. Jongin was in his room, alone, almost falling asleep, so he didn’t understand why they were all on.

He walked towards the bathroom but something caught his attention. “….did they left the TV on? Seriously?” he asked to himself and walked in the direction of the living room. Not only did they left all the apartment lights on but the TV. He couldn’t believe Kyungsoo actually forgot about something so important. He was the fairy of the house and it was really strange that he in fact left something like that go by.

As he expected, the TV was on, on it’s full blast and the most annoying show was on. He had no idea how it was called, but he really didn’t bother to know. He was going to turn off that thing and then go to shower.  “Jongin?” He heard his name being called. As he stood in his stop he looked towards the couch. He didn’t want to admit he just had a small heart-attack.

Not because his name had been called out of nowhere, not because he thought by one second that the apartment was hunted, but because of that voice. That sweet, quiet, gentle voice that made his heart almost explode every time he heard it.  that voice that made his heart almost jump from his throat, that voice that made each inch of his skin shiver from head to toe. That voice that made him wonder millions of things; that voice that made him the happiest man alive but at the same time, the most miserable.

He turned his body slowly, afraid to look. He could hear a voice inside his head not to tell him to turn, that he was going to regret it, that he shouldn’t. But as always, he didn’t listen to that voice and gave his full attention to the person in the couch. He wanted to look to the person in the couch, to be amazed by his beauty, like he was every single day, but instead of being captivated by that beauty that always made him happy, that always made him like the luckiest man alive, he felt his heart being pulled out of his chest.

There he was, there he stood, more beautiful than ever with a white shirt and dark jeans, his newly pierced ear and his face with a worried expression. His short, light brown hair was shinning under the fake light and his skin looked like silk. It probably felt exactly like that, if not better.  He looked breath taking, but if it was just that, Jongin would be fine; he would be more than fine, but next to that beauty, to that man that made his heart race more than it should, was another man.

A man that he wanted, how god how he wanted, to hate, but he just couldn’t. He wanted to hate him because he was the one who stole his beauty away. He wanted to hate him because he was the one that made his beauty smile brighter than stars, but he just couldn’t. How could he hate him? How could he even think about hating Kris when the older was a role model, when the older was always there for him? Not to mention, the older had no idea what Jongin’s feelings for their so called unicorn were.

He was completely oblivious about it and he had no idea. And the one to blame was Jongin. He should have shouted to the world how he felt in the first place, but instead, he stood completely quiet about it and continued watching from afar, making everything worse for him. Making him lose the only important person he ever had.

“We didn’t wake you up, did we?” Kris asked and Jongin couldn’t help but notice that the Chinese man’s arm was around Yixing’s neck. Just like always. He opened his mouth to speak, but words wouldn’t leave his lips, no matter how hard he tried. Instead, he decided to close his mouth and just mouthed a no. “Are you sure? You look a little pale.” Yixing said with a very worried expression but Jongin just faked a smile.

Of course he looked pale. Of course he looked like he just had seen a ghost. He looked like he had his life taken away from him. he was seeing first hand, right in front of him the man he loved the most, the one person that he cared the most in the whole world, being held by another guy. Another guy that was the perfect match for Yixing…his Yixing. He hated to believe that, but he knew it was true. Kris and Yixing were made for each other and he was just in the way. Even thought they had no idea how Jongin felt, he knew he was getting in the way of the two just by his mere existence.

“Wanna watch TV with us? We’re going to watch a movie and eat some popcorn!” Yixing said excitedly and Kris nodded with a big smile as well.  Jongin wanted to throw up. he wanted to throw up all his insides and wanted to cry. God how he wanted to cry. Just imagining standing there, in the same room as those two, without anyone else, without a distraction…it was too painful.

“…No…I’m really tired.” He started with the same faked smile. “I’m going to shower and then I’m going to bed…” The couple in front of him looked a little displeased with the answer but understood. They wished him a good night and started paying attention just to the screen, ignoring the man standing there. He hated. He hated all of this and he just wanted to die.

He ran towards the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take this pain inside his heart anymore and he knew, he just knew that if things kept like this, he was going to die. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to say, all he knew was that he just was on the verge of dying. If he couldn’t have Yixing, he would rather die than stand there every single day and watch the one he loved, the one he wanted, be happy with someone else.

to be continued...