They laugh over the silliest things. When the other boys eventually walk away, leaving them alone to laugh…that is when they stop. Sehun doesn’t look back at all, siddling close to Yi Xing and linking his arm with him. Yi Xing obliges and ruffles the boy’s hair jokingly. Luhan stops laughing and Baekhyun stops too. Jongdae calls for them to switch off the lights as he closes the door behind him, back hunched from fatigue.

“Hyung? What happened to Sehun?”

“What? Did I say anything?” Luhan asks, trying to recall when he mentions Sehun’s words to Baekhyun. Not yet, as far as he can remember.

“No, but I saw that look,” Baekhyun grins and Luhan laughs lightly at the sight of cheerful Baekhyun. It’s hard not to.

“Tell me,” Baekhyun urges. Luhan hesitates, weighing his words in his mind. Many heartbeats later, he still lets the silence fill their conversation. What is there to say?

“Sehun confessed to me.” There is no easier way to say it, and there is no easy way to accept it too. Memories from last night comes tumbling down at once. Luhan expects the dark, hardened look from Baekhyun, the flash of hurt and disappointment, the conflicted twitch of his lips.

“What did you say to him?” Baekhyun plods on. Luhan doesn’t want to say anything at all. Baekhyun moves to sit right across Luhan, quick as lightning. Luhan tries to hide his face but Baekhyun catches him first. And the answer hurts him. More than words can express. Luhan is unsmiling. Baekhyun doesn’t know what else to say.

“Hyung…” his whisper comes off weak, resigning and more like a cry for attention, than accusation.

“I told him I don’t know. I don’t know what made me say it, Baekhyuna. I really wasn’t thinking straight.” But Luhan cannot say the thing that bothers him so much. It wasn’t like he was completely incapable of thinking straight at the time. Luhan also didn’t know because the thought of Sehun going away horrifies him. It makes him feel like his world is falling apart. Luhan doesn’t want Sehun to go away. He wants Sehun to stay…just stay.

Baekhyun doesn’t scream or yell or cry. He doesn’t say anything either. Luhan imagines if this is how Sehun felt that night, unable to meet his eyes, afraid of what he will see.

“Maybe…maybe you should try.”

“Try what?” Luhan’s blood runs cold in his veins and he feels airy, sick to his gut. Imaginary cold sweat forms on his forehead.

“Sehun needs you more than me.”

“Baekhyun, how can you say that? You’re the one I love,” Luhan’s face is pained, his voice so strained and his hands suddenly clutching Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun takes a breath and looks straight to Luhan’s watery eyes. He can’t tell if the latter is crying.

“He will miss you more. You are around each other so much, it’s hard to…to forget everything. Hyung, I…Help me out, hyung. I am trying to be selfless, like you taught me,” he chuckles but it turns to a sob. Luhan finds himself unable to put a smile on his face this time.

“Baekhyuna, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Of course I do. I know everything, hyung. I know that I am probably in love with you, but that doesn’t matter. It will never matter because we just…maybe we just shouldn’t even be here together. Maybe some other time, you know? I can see you and Sehun together. You guys are perfect. But me and you? How do you think the managers and boss are going to react? Did you ever think about that? How do you think the fans are going to react?” Baekhyun sounds growingly distraught as he tries to plant logic in Luhan’s mind, which seems to be in denial of everything then.

“They will all be okay with it. We don’t have to tell them, Baek. We don’t. We can just keep it between us.”

“What about the other boys? Hyung, tell me where we are right now. Where do we stand now? Aren’t we just playing around? Don’t you think it’s time we stop the stupid ‘I love you, I love you too’ game?” Baekhyun’s words ring the truth, slapping Luhan coldly on his face.

“It was never a game with you, Baekhyuna. I don’t play with people’s feelings. Especially not yours.”

“What about Sehun’s? He’s special in your heart too, isn’t he? Tell me, hyung. If he isn’t, then why didn’t you turn him down? You would have, if you really felt nothing for him, right?” Baekhyun’s voice is beseeching.

“I don’t know, Baekhyun. All I know is I like you. I don’t know about him. I…I love you too, Baekhyun,” Luhan feels like closing his ears and hiding under his blanket from the world.

“It’s not love if you don’t know where to stand,” Baekhyun whispers, touching Luhan lightly. Luhan suddenly feels ashamed of himself. How did he not see past his feelings sooner? Why didn’t he save their relationship from going past the edge of the cliff?

“Hyung, I can’t.”

“What can’t you do?”

“I can’t…keep on hanging on like this. You…you mean a lot to me and I think it’ll always be that way but…I can’t.” Baekhyun sniffs.

“Baekhyuna, there is nothing wrong with how we are,” Luhan says, frustrated.

“Sehun needs you more than me. You’ll forget about me soon, hyung. I think if we just-”

“Baekhyuna, don’t leave me. Don’t,” Luhan begs him, tears suffocating him. He feels dizzy and feverish.

“Hyung, we can just forget about this…about us. It’s not hard. You feel something for Sehun anyway. I can see it, you know? I think at some point in time... everything you acted on stage stopped being an act. It started being real. I just didn’t want to believe it.”

Luhan is stunned for a moment. The air is thick around him and he finds it awfully difficult to think. He goes numb from Baekhyun’s words before his heart screams in anguish and agony. He hates to admit that those accusations are not lies. He accepted it himself, the inexplicable way he is comfortable with Sehun. He didn’t know what it was that makes him hug Sehun voluntarily or the way he felt strangely protective over Sehun when Jongin plays around with him. He chose to ignore it. He chose to run to Baekhyun all those times he wants his affections reciprocated.

“Let me go, hyung. We can…we can fix this all if we just stop now. It’ll hurt less. We always fight anyway,” Baekhyun half chokes, half sniffs. Luhan wraps him in a hug that reaches out to his heart, almost like a sad parting. Baekhyun struggles to be freed and Luhan doesn’t fight him. He tells himself to listen to Baekhyun’s wishes, even if it’s not really what both of them want at all. It can’t be helped. Luhan sits, paralyzed, watching Baekhyun leave him, rubbing his eyes, erasing traces of their conversation, when Baekhyun and Luhan were just two boys sharing hearts. Luhan thinks that even if he wants Baekhyun, and Baekhyun wants him back, this way…letting each other go is the best way. Luhan wants to stop hurting Baekhyun.

Luhan doesn’t know when the regret will hit him like an unsuspected wave, or when he will break down, but he watches Baekhyun leave…void of emotions, wondering if something is wrong with him. He should be crying, he should be yelling or throwing a tantrum at the way things turn out for him. But he isn’t because he isn’t the only victim here.

“Don’t forget to switch the lights off.” Baekhyun closes the door behind him and the silence hurts Luhan’s ears. He can hear himself screaming on the inside but everything else around him is just a fog of silence, swallowing him whole.

That night, Luhan wakes up with a sore throat, sweating and in tears. Sehun knocks on his doors and Yi Xing lets him in. Luhan lets Sehun sleep with him and it’s Sehun’s arm that is around Luhan’s waist, not the other way around.

That night, instead of Baekhyun, Luhan lets Sehun hug him to sleep, keeping nightmares away.

Because his nightmare is of Baekhyun.. of Baekhyun walking away from him.

---

Baekhyun stops wearing eyeliners because he thinks he looks ugly with them anyway. They lost their sentimental value; the only reason he always wears them. He sees Luhan sharing a jacket with Sehun in their van. The first thing he does when they walk into their next music show is to take his only tube of eyeliner and dump it in the bin. Remorse hardly felt but Baekhyun feels lighter. He doesn’t know if it’s a good thing. He also dumps the memory of their first night together away, and burns up his own vow. He needs a new good luck charm.

When make-up artist noona tries to coax him into having some on, he refuses. Luhan stares at him from the other end of the room and Baekhyun can see him from the corner of his eyes. Luhan watches him intently.

“Are you sure, Baekhyuna?”

“Yes, noona. I don’t want them on. I’ll be fine…without them.”

Luhan can’t help but feel like the last two words are meant for him.

---

Luhan finds himself dreading the ‘Tree of Life’ formation. He despises the awkward way he holds onto Baekhyun, not daring to look each other in the eyes. It’s cold and Luhan feels unwanted. Baekhyun threads his fingers through Luhan’s, strong and secure, so they both stand together but Luhan finds it strange how Baekhyun leans so far away from him, the distance between their legs as incriminating evidence. Luhan didn’t know when he starts playing along too. He stretches out as far as he can, not looking at Baekhyun.

He goes too far, one day. Sehun gasps, as Luhan flails, preparing for the hit as his foot slips and his fingers airborne. Something catches him.

“Be careful, hyung. Can’t go too far,” comes the quiet warning from those lips Luhan misses staring at. Baekhyun glances at him, and Luhan looks at their outstretched hands, intertwined and Baekhyun squeezes it.

Luhan feels restrained in a cage, inside and out. When Sehun walks over to him, fretting and patting his legs, Luhan shrugs him off. He jogs up a little to catch up with Baekhyun, to thank him, but he shrinks away from the sickening sight.

Baekhyun’s head leans on Jongin’s shoulder, as they share a laugh. Jongin offers Baekhyun his drink and Baekhyun takes it. When he gives it back to Jongin, the look on his eyes speaks out. Luhan finds that they might as well be strangers, who try to force conversations, but can’t. They’re already falling out. Luhan feels helpless. His knees suddenly go weak.

“Are you sure you’re okay, hyung?” Sehun suddenly pops up beside him, holding Luhan up. Strength surges through him, slowly.

“Yeah. I’m okay. I need to be okay.”

Sehun looks at where Luhan’s eyes are fixed on.

“Let him go, hyung.” Luhan looks at Sehun with a bittersweet smile. He recalls the nights he can’t sleep, because something feels uncomfortable inside of him. Like an unsettled business, a tangled mess of emotions.

“No, Sehuna. Tell him to let me go,” Luhan sighs sadly, wishing Sehun can take away memories of Baekhyun.

---

Baekhyun blames his crybaby leader. They are in Gimpo, lugging around their own heavy bodies. Despite the darkening sky, the fans are nowhere ready to go home. They are a riot of noises. Jongdae makes a joke about Joonmyun’s crying in their last win, already a worldwide news by now, and they break out laughing. Baekhyun always has this shrill way of laughing, so that when he finally quiets down, he finds Luhan staring at him, lips pursed and cheeks puffed out. An exchange of look and then they burst out into another round of laughter, catching each other’s shoulders for support. Luhan is wheezing and Baekhyun pats his back repeatedly, still chortling.

Baekhyun seems to be in a better mood after that. The fans are delighted of his fan service. He gives bigger autographs and adds little messages. He even sits next to Luhan. When they aren’t flooded with the fans, they reach out to take their drinks at the exact same time. Luhan grins and does a subtle cheering gesture and Baekhyun holds up his drink as well, smiling. The air is friendly. The night passes quick, and the line of fans start thinning out. Whenever each boy makes a light joke, the other responds accordingly, with an equally light laugh or a cynical remark that makes the fans squeal and laugh, complimenting them on their humour.

The fans are all far away, content with the day’s work and so are the boys. They leave the staffs to clear up the area, trudging back to their van, exhausted but buzzing in excitement with the prospect of a warm shower and food. Luhan feels a pair of arm sling around his shoulder.

“They gave us bubble tea,” Sehun beams and Luhan chuckles, pinching his cheeks. Sehun’s obsession with the said drink is seemingly beyond normal. Luhan is becoming quite worried.

A certain shrill laugh breaks in the winds, and Luhan instantly looks around for the source. Sehun watches him wearily. Luhan’s eyes land on Baekhyun, with Jongin’s arms around the smaller boy’s body, unbearably close. Luhan cringes a little and he tries to relax and push his thoughts away when Sehun sighs.

“Hyung, when are you going to be over him?” Sehun doesn’t sound angry at all. If anything, he sounds pitiful and sympathetic. Luhan feels guilty for being so readable in front of Sehun.

But then he thinks over Sehun’s question. The thing is that Luhan loves Baekhyun. Not loved. Luhan thinks that when love is taken away, it leaves a scar that runs too deep to ever disappear. When Baekhyun left, he left a part of him with Luhan; all the parts that Luhan loves and can only grow to love even more every day he thinks about them, instead of throwing them away in the past. Luhan might develop deeper feelings for Sehun, he might end up giving away the kiss that he wanted to share with Baekhyun so badly away to Sehun too, but he cannot deny that Baekhyun will always be the one.

Luhan sniffs and Sehun takes Luhan’s wrist in his hand. He lets the older boy cry for a little bit on his clothes. Sehun understands what Luhan now knows more than anything. Fate is cruel.

Sometimes, letting go is the only way.

---

Baekhyun sees Luhan sniffling into Sehun’s hoodie and his eyebrows creases with worry. Jongin calls his name gently. It pulls Baekhyun back to reality, where he can only rely on Sehun to be the shoulder for Luhan to cry on, and be the person to be with Luhan every second that he needs him. Because those are just some of the things Baekhyun cannot do anymore. He looks up at Jongin, feeling hope blossoming in his chest. Jongin’s smile makes Baekhyun happy but he thinks he will have to live with the hole in his heart that will always just exist, not doing anything. Baekhyun feels a dull stab whenever he sees Luhan with someone else, but he is convinced that both of them are finally learning to let go.

Baekhyun loved Luhan…Loves. He doesn’t think anything can change that, not his recent infatuation with Jongin nor Chanyeol’s mocking. Baekhyun is not one to easily admit such deep emotions. He thinks they are excuses for people to cry. Baekhyun remembers Jongin’s wise words, told when Baekhyun cried over Luhan one day, unable to hold himself in front of Jongin. He tells himself that Luhan is a valid reason to cry in public…Public meaning Jongin, but he felt ashamed afterwords all the same. Jongin said something that made him realize it isn’t wrong to not be strong enough to leave everything about Luhan behind in the past.

When feelings run deep, they never really go away; they just fade into shadows.

 Luhan will always be shadow in Baekhyun’s heart. And Baekhyun can never let him go. He won’t. 

A/N: I am not okay. T_T But what do you guys think of the story though? I tried being realistic hehehehhh altho tbh I feel like I should've done a better job on the whole seperation thing but IDK WHAT ELSE TO DO OTTOKAE ;___;

and do you want to see what I had on the original document? At the very end I just realised, I put this:

--- THE END I BURNT MY OTP SHIP STUPID STUPID THE END ---

I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. OTL. But I'm glad I finally made a Baeklu!!! T_T <3 Thank you guys for reading even if it's not your otps /coughs KRIS/ BYE <3