Run, run as fast as you can
Chase after the silhouettes stretched out long
Run, run as fast as you can
Put out your arms and catch the buildings as they fall

Woohyun sees Sunggyu for the first time when he’s walking into the company building, posture straightened and head held high. He’s relatively tall, good-looking, giving everyone (else) the image of a leader – a responsible, trustworthy, capable leader. He comes off as confident, yet humble enough, a boy willing to learn and determined to succeed.

Woohyun thinks he sees Sunggyu through even before they meet. Woohyun notices that a slouch creeps in and threatens to break down that stiff posture he’s upholding, notices the little stumbles his feet make which are hidden almost immediately. Woohyun smiles a little to himself when he notices – it’s somewhat of an accomplishment, although he’s used to noticing things way more often than most people. He considers it an accomplishment when the subject in question is trying so very hard to keep up his image, his façade, whichever term is preferred. And this particular person –Sunggyu– tries so much harder than anyone Woohyun has ever met, he’s intriguing.

Woohyun meets Sunggyu as the leader of his band, a band of seven and no one else seems to have as tough an exterior as Sunggyu does. Woohyun thinks that Sunggyu doesn’t quite like him – he sees the tiny hint of disdain their leader tries to prevent from leaking out, because no one can quite keep their thoughts hidden when Woohyun is around, he has long since realised.

Woohyun labels Dongwoo the joker (the twisted smile version). Myungsoo the picture without a frame (that thinks it has one). Sungyeol the crystal ball (which lies about everything). Howon the artist (with a broken brush). Sungjong the puppeteer (who tangles the strings).

Woohyun thinks Sunggyu is a building.

It’s a nice little story of two beings and the stars
He read the stars, he defied them
He read on stars, they ruled his life
He took a bloody, bloody, battered dive

Sunggyu is a taurus and his stone is emerald. His colour is green (or brown) and Friday is his lucky day. Sunggyu was made to be a singer from the very beginning – the stars said so. Sunggyu likes tranquility (that’s somewhat true), finds happiness easily, isn’t competitive, and despises changes. Sunggyu has a relaxed attitude. Sunggyu can never reach the top, will never be the best. Sunggyu is stubborn and possessive. Sunggyu is patient and tough. Sunggyu is sturdy. Strong.

Sunggyu wants to be strong.

Sunggyu makes sure every single one of the members knows all their names, ages, and favourite colour. He tells them to exchange hugs and bro-fists to start building their brotherhood, their rapport as a team. Sunggyu tries to push just a little bit of warmth into his smile (not too much, or they might start climbing all over his head), gives his hugs just right. He almost shoves himself off the youngest when he’s attacked with a back-hug far too tight for comfort. Sungjong only beams at him and Sunggyu thinks he shouldn’t get irritated by that bright, bright smile. He lifts a hand and pats the younger’s shoulder lightly. Sungjong grins wider and it seems as though his porcelain-like face is about to crack from the exertion.

Sunggyu feels uncomfortable when Woohyun looks directly into his eyes. He shifts his gaze to the mirror at his right, and a few seconds later he realises the boy is still staring at him. A frown works its way outwards and he yanks it back in discreetly (just in time), locking it down with heavy chains. The member puts an arm around him and hugs him real quickly – sort of tight, but it was quick so there isn’t anything he should be upset about.

Sunggyu learns that Woohyun’s favourite colour is red. It disturbs him, because he knows Woohyun’s colour is indigo. He also knows that Woohyun shouldn’t even be here in the first place. Neither should Howon, Sungyeol, Sungjong or Dongwoo.

(the stars said so)

And the tale continues with two hands in embrace
Both not so warm, but not too cold
Both coarse and rough and worn out bad
Both gripping faces spelling mad

Woohyun hears that Sunggyu used to dislike him, hated him in fact, the first time they met. He chuckles when he watches the interview with said person at 1.00a.m. even though they have a schedule to attend in less than five hours, and doesn’t look forward to waking up on the floor with a sore back. Sunggyu would kick him to wake him up, he would. Woohyun thinks that Sunggyu is biased because Woohyun is the only one receiving kicks and occasional not-so-friendly punches to his gut; Woohyun doesn’t complain because Sunggyu doesn’t force him to go to bed within two hours of arriving at their dorm.

“Hyung, I’m curious, why did you dislike me so much?”

Sunggyu shrugs. He doesn’t feel that it’s right to tell Woohyun the way he looks at people is so intense, it makes people feel transparent. It isn’t outrightly intense, but it still is. He doesn’t quite know how to explain, so he chooses not to. He thinks he shouldn’t burden the younger man with his odd thoughts, and Woohyun wouldn’t understand anyway.

Woohyun looks at the computer screen and notices Myungsoo although he doesn’t want to. He wants to know how Sunggyu thinks, though.

“About Myungsoo, hyung, do you really see him?”

Sunggyu seems genuinely confused so Woohyun shakes his head and lets it slide.

Woohyun sees the pathetic non-existent frame Myungsoo tries hard to hold up around himself, and he supposes it’s working because no one else seems to even look at it.

Woohyun hears Sunggyu stand up from the floor and tell him turn off the computer, it’s time to go to bed. Woohyun grabs the hand offered and hauls himself up, then visits the kitchen for a glass of cold milk. Sunggyu waits for him and turns off the lights only after Woohyun is safely under the covers. Woohyun wonders why Sunggyu even bothers.

Hark, hear the mortar crack
Toppling tumbling comes the lad

Woohyun hates looking at people cry. He thinks when some people cry, they should hide and sniffle in some little corner instead of sobbing so loudly the neighbours can hear. He feels awkward when that happens; his hands begin to sweat, he chews on his bottom lip until copper fills his mouth, and even then he still remains standing a distance away. Woohyun thinks some people should be allowed to cry on their own because they have to learn, and these people shouldn’t let others see them cry or they would be comforted, which is bad but will happen anyway because others would feel bad not comforting them.

Woohyun finds himself wishing Sunggyu would cry loudly so that he’d be able to find him. Sunggyu belongs to the other type of weepers – the type who should be given a shoulder to cry on but would refuse it even if they really, really want it. Woohyun sits up for a relatively long time and finally hears the doorknob turning. He watches the silhouette trudge to its mattress and reaches across. Sunggyu’s hand is cold, and Woohyun knows he’s been walking around on the streets without gloves, again. Woohyun gives Sunggyu’s hand a tiny squeeze, only to let Sunggyu know he’s there.

“Hyung, you’re like Dongwoo hyung. You both belong to the same type of weepers.”

“Should I ask what that means?”

Woohyun is sure Sunggyu can see his smile through the darkness because Sunggyu lets out a light scoff, pushes his hand away and turns sideways to face the wall.

Woohyun doesn’t hear the sniffles that night.

Run, run as fast as you can
Chase after the silhouettes stretched out long
Run, run as fast as you can
Put out your arms and catch the buildings as they fall

Sunggyu pulls his drenched shirt away from his front and grimaces at the perspiration he touches. He looks at the other members. Howon is still dancing to unheard music. Myungsoo sprawls out on the ground with Sungjong beside him. Sungyeol is sitting up and imitating Howon’s hand movements. Dongwoo tells a joke and his lonely laughter echoes within the room. Woohyun passes him a bottle which he refuses.

Sunggyu’s head spins and he closes his eyes for a moment. He feels sort of cold, feels a slight chill slowly spreading through his body. He lifts up his head a little too fast and there’s this almost overwhelming need to hurl that he forces down as much as he can. He stands slowly, hoping his surroundings don’t start twisting into a whirlwind.

“Get up guys, we have to continue practising. The performance is in ten days.”

He sees their frowns, hears their grumbles, and wants to tell them that’s all for today but he can’t, not when he’s the leader and it’s his responsibility to make sure they practise as much as possible, to lessen the chances of ruining the performance. He wants to say I’m tired too but he can’t, not when he has to set a good example for them to follow.

Sunggyu says none of the words teetering on the edge of his lips. He holds them in, pushes never-ending secret thoughts into a glass jar. It becomes full eventually. Glass jars don’t expand. They don’t change. They only allow that many things even if there are thousands more waiting. When they are b with thoughts and hopes and countless I wish, it’s time to put on the lid. If there is simply too much that it holds, it explodes.

Sunggyu implodes.

Woohyun rinses the towel and places it over Sunggyu’s forehead. The leader refuses to go to the doctor’s and Woohyun thinks they can afford to wait for an hour or two before making the decision. Sunggyu shivers, lips trembling just slightly. He looks a little pale, but his eyes are focused and voice relatively steady. He seems almost fine, as Sungyeol comments. Sungyeol tells them the other members are practising and sends Sunggyu their well wishes. Sunggyu hears get well soon. (Woohyun hears get your body off the damn bed, why are you the only one resting?)

Woohyun thinks he heard Sunggyu’s insides cracking and crumbling. He guesses that Sunggyu’s wall has finally fallen, though unfortunately inwards. There isn’t much he can do to help.

Woohyun waits until Sunggyu has fallen asleep, then changes the towel and turns off the lights.

Spice is bland, sugar’s too much
Tears are beginnings raw and clear–

Sunggyu wonders why he hadn’t noticed it. Blames himself for not being observant enough. Wishes and wishes and wishes it was him instead.

Tuberculosis. The term seems so foreign – as it had indeed been until five minutes ago. He’s at the dreaded place, where the sides are cheap white and reek of eternal rest (he refuses to think of that word).

Sunggyu berates himself for not having known. He had assumed his band mate had caught the illness from him, had taken care of him the same way he had been cared for. He had noticed it lasted for way longer than his did, yet he hadn’t done anything about it. He had gone along with his assumptions, had ignored that soft nagging voice saying something wasn’t quite right. That ridiculously thick bubble was torn only when he heard a thud and saw the boy lying on the studio floor. The tear became larger as they sat in the noisy vehicle with lights blaring atop. His bubble had completely disappeared by the time the white architecture was in sight.

Sunggyu looks through the window decorated with handprints (of the once desperate, he supposes) and sees Woohyun, his sleeping form deceivingly peaceful. His palm rises to land on the freezing surface, chorusing the lines of their song that were filled with fear.

Tears mark endings that don’t quite end
Tears and waves and silken sand

Sunggyu remembers this short vacation they once had. He had gone with Howon to the beach, the others having chosen various other locations.

They sat on the shore, toes just barely grazing the gentle waves.

Howon hadn’t been able to remain still for long. He had left saying he would rent a bicycle and learn how to cycle. Sunggyu had let him go knowing Howon was responsible enough to ensure his own safety.

Sunggyu was a tad bit surprised when Woohyun joined him on the sand but found no need to inquire further. The waves were becoming wilder, crashing upon their feet and emptying buckets over their bodies clad in thin clothes. It was a little cold, but they didn’t feel like moving, not just yet.

He recalls something they had talked about.

“Have you ever thought about the fate of the waves?”

“Not exactly. They aren’t important.”

“You want to hear something? I think the waves have really sad fates. They’re never together, if you think about it. They’re always being separated, pulled apart and thrown against others over and over again. Perhaps sometimes they meet those they’ve known previously, but that’s only for a fleeting moment before they’re forced to carry on. They’re forced to leave others behind, you know. It’s true that they too, sometimes, force people to leave their family behind. But it isn’t their choice.”

“Well I guess that’s their fate then. If it’s been written that way, it has to stay that way.”

“Only because they don’t have the ability to change it. It isn’t because they don’t dare to do so, but because they can’t. I find it sad that those who have that chance don’t take it, because the waves have never tasted the gift of choice.”

Howon had returned with his limbs covered in scratches. He hadn’t listened when he was told which track to follow. He was over-ambitious, Howon, that is.

Remnants are doodles on bathroom walls
Gone are late nights’ sweetest songs
Gone from this war dead and bleak
Gone to a place where angels meet

Sunggyu wakes up to the unbearably loud ringing from his alarm clock. He slams a hand over it, silencing the irritating device. He reaches out to shake his room-mate and touches a chilly, smoothened surface. His fingertips sweep over the soft linen, trembling when he doesn’t feel any creases. Sunggyu sits up slowly, staring at the empty bed.

Sunggyu walks to the bathroom, pushing the door open carefully. He sees the scribbles and ugly drawings littering the wall where the mirror is. He remembers yelling at the boy for vandalising their shared bathroom and ignoring him for an entire week. Remembers trying to remove the doodles and failing so badly.

Sunggyu traces the words. He thinks they’re rather artistic but he can’t bring himself to accept them because they’re dirtying the walls. He finds one of them interesting. He’d never admit it but he likes it.

Hey, look, we’re all gonna fall someday alright? But until then, let’s just run.

Sunggyu flings open the shower curtains and the gnawing intensifies. He makes for the room that has a startling colourful mobile hanging in the doorway. Sunggyu is greeted by a piano and two guitars with their strings broken, slightly tangled. He freezes at the horrifying emptiness.

Sunggyu drops like a heavy, heavy boulder. He sinks onto the floor, the vacuum around threatening to crush him until he is no more. A strangled sob escapes and he presses a fist tight against his mouth. Woohyun. Woohyun is no more.

Sunggyu feels a pair of arms engulf him and Sungjong’s incoherent mumbles fill his ears. Sunggyu cries harder, curls up tighter, sobs breaking out over and over and over again. It doesn’t cease. It hurts. Hurts like nothing he’s ever felt before and he doesn’t know how to stop it besides hold himself tighter and try to make that horrible, horrible feeling go away. Woohyun, the name spills from his lips, burning, burning. Woohyun, he chokes out wishing the boy would appear. Woohyun, he whispers, over and over and over again.

He reaches up and grasps onto Sungjong’s sleeve, pretending it’s Woohyun he’s holding onto.

Sungjong pulls away.

“Get your act together soon, hyung.”

Sungjong’s eyes gleam. Sunggyu isn’t quite calm but he’s sure they gleam with cruelty.

“He’s never coming back.”

Hark, bricks break to tiny parts
Falling fumbling save our hearts

Sunggyu attends schedules one after another, smiles the widest he has ever smiled and lavishes the remaining five with so much care it almost suffocates them. Dongwoo thinks he understands what Sunggyu is doing, but Dongwoo himself is having problems maintaining his grins. Dongwoo smiles at Sunggyu often, which makes Sunggyu cringe because Dongwoo reminds him of Woohyun’s words. Of Woohyun.

Sunggyu tries to remain strong. Sunggyu knows (thinks) the rest are about to crumble soon and he has to prevent it for as long as possible. Sunggyu remembers what Woohyun said to him, lying on the hospital bed surrounded by (non-existent) shades of white.

“Hyung, can you see me now? Can you really see me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, your eyes are sort of small, I’ve realised. The fans agree.”

“Stop with that joke. It’s not funny anymore.”

“I think it is, hyung. I think it’s hilarious.”

“Is it always about you? Don’t others’ opinions matter, too?”

“Sometimes they do, but other times we can be just a little bit selfish and think only of ourselves instead.”

“People are relying on you. You can’t just leave them on their own.”

“But I can. For a mere minute or so, I can. I don’t have to always put others before myself, you know. I may be a big beautiful building, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fall. You get me?”

Sunggyu thinks white is just that. White. No shades. No lighter shades or darker shades because if there’s a tinge of anything else, it’s not white anymore. And white is just so excruciatingly painful.

Run, run as fast as you can
Chase after the silhouettes stretched out long
Run, run as fast as you can
Put out your arms and catch the buildings as they fall

Sunggyu glides a hand over the glass, his insides being mangled in a seemingly never-ending routine. He thinks it looks surreal, the set-up and all. He feels as though it might be some sort of hidden camera joke where Woohyun will open his eyes in a few seconds and laugh loudly at him. Sunggyu waits for that few seconds, staring intently at the (sleeping) boy’s face for a twitch or any slight movement which will give him away. He feels something wet sliding down his cheeks and sees a mini puddle begin to gather on the surface of the glass. It spreads over Woohyun’s visage and distorts it, making it seem as though Woohyun is grimacing. Sunggyu finds that when he moves, Woohyun’s face changes. A step to the right and Woohyun looks as though he’s smiling in an awkward manner. Move back and Woohyun looks frustrated. To the left and Woohyun looks like he’s crying. Away from the tears and then Sunggyu knows Woohyun isn’t just sleeping.

Because a sleeping Woohyun tosses and turns. He wears a slight frown on his face. He whimpers in his nightmares. He talks to people he meets in a foreign dreamland. He smiles when beautiful images form. He wakes up in the middle of falling down a pit. He whispers fears across the still midnight air.

The present Woohyun looks so serene, so calm, so peaceful, Sunggyu knows he isn’t just sleeping.

Sunggyu comes into contact with a warm hand. And another. And another.

They grip their hands together tightly, holding one another so close it looks like six boys are but one broken mess.

Each one of them is irrevocably cracked, having been glued together over and over again but with tell-tale lines dividing the pieces of china.

Broken pieces are jagged and uneven. They cut.

(still they hold together lifting the weight of the world Fate has left behind)

There was a boy who was blinded by the stars
Goes choking, choking, on a self-made collar far too tight
There came a boy who ripped holes in his stars
Nests lined with feathers and stuffed with down
Caught the boy with clouded eyes
Caught the building
Caught him

Sunggyu pulls out a drawer and carefully removes the heavy book from its holder, sitting down on his bed (it’s lonely now) and cradling the encyclopedia on astrology in his arms. It’s still as bulky as ever, but there isn’t this heavy feeling in his chest anymore. It used to exist, the feeling that something was dragging him down everytime he tried to go higher, sinking him into never-ending waters. It’s somewhat gone now, in fact, it had begun disappearing since that day his room-mate saw him analysing the book intently. He glances at the now-dusty cover of this jewel used-to-be, and sees the ghost of Woohyun’s fingers lingering over the star signs.

“Look, Woohyun, here’s your star sign. You’re aquarius, you know that?”

“Yeah. Don’t believe in that kind of stuff though.”

“You shouldn’t say that. They’re pretty accurate, these notes, I got this book from my grandmother. She was an avid fan and a firm believer of them.”

“And you?”

“I believe in it. It gives me courage and determination to carry on when everything else is so discouraging, you know? It’s like my very own beacon of light guiding me to shore.”

“But aren’t you being overreliant on it?”

“I don’t know, but it tells me what to do when I’m sort of lost…look, here, Taurus, it says that we’re strong. That helps me when things aren’t going well – all I have to do is flip to this page and it’ll remind me to stay strong.”

“Hyung, you ever heard of catching buildings?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Catching buildings can be real easy, or real tough. When it’s standing upright and strong on its own, it’s easy alright. You only have to walk up to it, touch it, “tag, you’re it” and it’s caught. But if you catch a building when it’s falling, there’s a possibility that you’ll be crushed instead, ‘cause it’s real heavy you see. Then you would’ve failed.  But you can’t choose. You can’t predict when or whether it’s going to fall. ‘Cause big buildings always look so strong and safe, everyone relies way too much on them. Then they blame it when it collapses, because it’s supposed to be strong, that’s what they think. And I guess sometimes these big beautiful buildings think they should be strong too, simply because everyone else says so. But you know what? I think they can be beautiful but vulnerable too, like a tower of cards, just for a minute or so in a hundred years perhaps. In that rare minute that they are fragile, I’ll be running around with my arms out. I’ll be catching buildings.”

Run, run as fast as you can
Chase after the silhouettes stretched out long
Run, run as fast as you can
Put out your arms and catch the buildings as they fall

Sunggyu feels tired, nervous, and excited all at the same time. It’s been about a month or two since the last time he’d had more than four hours of sleep and his body is on the verge of shutting down. Nevertheless, the fans’ cheers cannot be blocked from his mind, and he, or rather, they are almost drowning in the atmosphere. The wait can be likened to going up a rollercoaster – the turn is in sight, and yet they don’t quite know what to expect.

The screams erupt, and for a moment Sunggyu is lost and bewildered at the sudden increase in noise. It’s only when he sees the others’ teary faces and wide silly grins that he recognises the trophy being transferred into his arms. He pulls the six others close and hugs each and every single one of them real tight, then wrecks his way through a barely audible speech. Then they get into positions for an encore while sobbing like messed-up idiots and Sunggyu swears (he rarely does) he’ll remember this moment forever.

Sunggyu recalls the last few lines Woohyun said to him that night, a slurred string of words mumbled in his half conscious state.

“Hyung, you know we’ll be here for you don’t you? We’ll rise to the top, the seven of us. We are infinite, forever.”

Sing, sing as loud as you wish
Tear down the walls ‘round an invisible hell
Dance, dance as though everybody’s watching
Tango to the melody of a harbinger’s bell

Sunggyu looks at the glowing fan-boards and lightsticks, and at the other five members standing with him. Their eyes are kinder now – still somewhat lost and not quite whole, but kinder, melded together under the same slow fire and freezing cold that came with loss.

“Firstly, we’re thankful for all of your support. As cliché as this may sound, we’d never have made it this far if not for each and every single one of you. Thank you.” The leader says the necessary, yet heartfelt words.

Then they let all of their armor disappear.

“Woohyun hyung taught me a lot, even if I’d never wanted to learn and he never got to know how I feel towards him. He brought me out of the mirror maze.”

“Woohyun hyung took away my stupid little photo-frame and built something stronger in its place.”

“Woohyun hyung was a lyricist and songwriter. He made me learn to write the truth.”

“Woohyun let me see that going against the current all the time will eventually make one tired, and that a little boat flowing with the river can be splendid too.”

“Woohyun showed me it was alright to let the feelings out sometimes, and that it’s okay to cry.”

And they watch as thousands of metal gold pearl balloons float gently, gently, up into the sky.

“Catching Buildings, Woohyun. This song is for you.”

Ran, he ran as swift as the wind

Hyung, I caught a building. It was majestic, you know, tall and beautiful. It wasn’t easy when it fell, it was definitely heavy. Something that holds so many others in its heart, its very core of existence, that places others far above itself – it wasn’t easy to catch at all. It was real heavy, weighed down not so much by itself but by the ones it carried. But I caught it, hyung. I caught a building.

He caught this building as it fell

A/N