Richan's POV

 

What is this? I wondered, I flipped through it quickly to see so many words scribbled on the pages. I went back to the first page and decided to read it.

 

1) I feel like such a lame doing this, but because Hoseok suggested this to help me get rid of my feelings I think it'll help. No...wait, not get rid of my feelings but have a way to express them better. This is so awkward. I feel like I'm talking to myself here. Help.

 

I scrunched my eyebrows from confusion. It sounded like Jimin, but it didn't either? If this was his, what was he talking about? I decided to just flip to a random page after realizing that the beginning really didn't make any sense at all.

 

180) My ing heart hurts a lot today. I miss her. She didn't come to school because she was sick so I was left alone. I was thinking that I should have stayed with her instead, but mom obviously didn't let me. What do I do about myself?

 

I was getting more confused the more I read it, but I flipped to another page.

 

182) Have I ever mentioned that I hate that one guy that likes to hit on her all the time? Of course, she's luckily too dense to know anything but I swear if he touches her all hell will break loose. No one deserves a girl this perfect unless they prove themselves. Not even me.

 

183) How bad should I feel for telling aka threatening that guy off today? He literally followed her around like a stalker or clingy little boy and it annoyed the crap out of me. He wouldn't even let me talk to her at one point... This makes me so angry when I think about it and I wish I could do something about it to prevent it happening ever again.

 

195) I almost...how do I even begin? Jungkook found out that I liked her. He teased me the entire day, damn it! It was so embarrassing, especially in front of her. Jungkook didn't mention her name but it seemed like she was suspicious.

 

I swore that it sounded like he was talking about me, but I doubt it. It must have been me trying to salvage some hope that my best friend did have some feelings for me, too. No way Jimin would like a girl like me—not girly nor tomboy—I was just...boring and normal. We could just talk about whatever we wanted with each other, that was it. Simply best friend material.

 

I couldn't help to feel intense jealousy reading these...passages of Jimin's feelings for this girl.

 

199) I love her. I love her so much I feel like I'm dying because it hurts. I saw her tease Jungkook as they were heading to lunch. Smh. Even though that boy already said he liked someone else and they probably might even hate each other sometimes I can't help but to feel they're still really close, right? My heart feels tight and my mood just goes downhill from there. I love you...I wish you could see me for once...

 

200) Now that I think about it...am I being greedy? I'm close with her at least...maybe I shouldn't ask for so much. Maybe I feel this way because I still feel that if she left me and went to someone else...there would be no more of us. Maybe I just think that if she ever decided she would belong to someone else, I think I may die. So in turn...I end up being greedy and possessive and it's honestly ugly. I'm a mess...

 

299) Almost 300 passages and I think I've finally realized that this was a bad idea. Our relationship has been strained recently. I think I'm going to stop writing in this...at least for a while.

 

I glanced at the date: about several months ago. I sighed, thinking that it was the last passage of the notebook. Honestly, I was surprised that Jimin would have done something like this, and to think that one of his friends had suggested it to him as well. I was at a mix of emotions; I didn't know if I should be sad to see something like this or happy because Jimin found a girl to love so much, even if she didn't return the feelings back.

 

Flipping through the rest of the empty pages, I found one at the very last page, one that made my eyes widen and my heart stop.

 

300) Well, it's been a while. For a lot of things. We weren't on the best of terms beginning of high school. I was set on telling her my feelings, and then this journal thing happened. It just hurts me to think that things would always be like this. And that I'm being greedy again. So I gave up for a few months. But yesterday, she came over to my house for the first time in a while. I had to into my room again and make it messy so that I could hide this, like I always did. There's a definite guarantee that things will become permanently awkward if she found it. But that's not the point. At my house, I kept remembering the past with her. And I don't know...I guess I really can't actually give up on her after all. It's kind of disappointing, huh?

 

There was no way. There was no way this was anyone else but me. No way for it to be this much of a coincidence; I spent the whole day with him yesterday. There's no other girl...but me. I grabbed my heart as it felt like it was going to burst any moment. Nervously stuffing the notebook back in the bookcase. I grabbed my backpack, said a quick goodbye to Jimin's mother and headed to the basketball court at the park.

 

“Richan?” Jungkook blinked as he noticed me rushing over to the court. Jimin, Hoseok and another guy was playing basketball. “What are you doing here? Wanted to see me pl—”

 

“Shut up,” I walked right past him to sit down at the edge of the court.

 

Jungkook followed, “It's probably because of Jim—”

 

I glared at him and his slight smirk disappeared.

 

“Okay I'm shutting up,” he grumbled. “Want me to grab their attention?”

“It's fine—”

 

“Food!” Jungkook yelled, and they all turned their heads towards him. I caught Jimin's eyes and from not being fully recovered from realizing Jimin's feelings, I looked away as quick as possible.

 

“Who's the pretty chick?” the unknown blonde boy asked and I glanced at Jimin.

 

“Jimin's,” Jungkook grinned, Hoseok hitting him on the head. I blushed because everything was so clear now and I felt stupid that I couldn't see this before. They would always make such stupid jokes like this.

 

“I'm Taehyung,” he held out his hand. I shook it and to my surprise, he squat down and leaned close to me. “What's your name?”

 

I leaned away from him and coughed, “Richan.”

 

“What are you doing?” Jimin asked, pulling Taehyung back up. “Don't mess with my best friend.”


It hurt hearing those words—words that were all too familiar to my ears and tongue.

 

“Best friend?” Taehyung raised his eyebrows. “So she's single?”

 

Jimin pulled his ear, causing him to yelp in pain, “She's not available for anyone.”
 

I blushed again and buried my head in my legs.

 

“Richan are you okay? Are you not feeling well?” Hoseok asked.

 

“No, I'm fine...kind of.”

 

I heard Jimin's voice very close to me as he asked, “Do you want me to take you home?”

 

I looked up and saw him right in front of me. I froze at the sight of the boy I liked so much, watching him give me a gentle smile. I shook my head to answer his question and I stood up.

 

“I'll be leaving now,” I blurted out, leaving them all in confusion.

 

 

 

It's pretty common for Jimin and I to walk to school together in the morning. But after thinking and thinking, I couldn't help but be nervous around him. It was never like this. Even with my (previously thought) unrequited love for Jimin, it was never like this. Just knowing all his actual feelings, however, I didn't know how to respond. He hid that notebook from me for so long. He intentionally made his room always look messy because of it. The two things that bothered me the most—messiness and secrets—was because of me.

 

But what really scared me the most is that I didn't know how Jimin would feel if he knew I found out everything. The person that he knows: an adventurous, brave girl who's not afraid to speak her mind, was being awkward and quiet. Therefore, in the middle of me having a nervous breakdown, what really made me on the edge was that I betrayed him by touching his stuff without his permission.

 

“Richan...” Jimin said, placing his hand on my shoulder which I flinched to immediately.

 

“Huh?”
 

“You've been weird since yesterday...” Jimin said. “It's obvious. Your texts aren't you. And you just ran off yesterday at the basketball court.”

“Sorry...”

“It's not because of Taehyung...right?” he had a tone of worry. “I haven't seen you act like this before.”

“What do you mean?” I courageously looked at him. He was staring at his slow-paced, shuffling feet.

 

“Like...uh...that you felt awkward around him. Because he's such a strange but cute kid and all. So you maybe got nervous when you met him...” Jimin stopped talking and started murmuring to himself, although audibly. “...maybe you found him cute or something...”

 

I clenched my eyes, wishing that I just forgot everything I read in his notebook. Knowing Jimin's feelings really, really bothered me.

 

“It's not because of him,” I clarified. “It's me.”


“What's wrong?”


“Nothing important...”


There was a moment of awkward silence.

 

“Richan, can you answer this question truthfully?” Jimin asked.

 

“What...what is it?” I looked away from him in apprehension.

 

“Are you...hiding something from me?” Jimin asked. His voice was full of worry and it only made me feel worse.

 

“I don't know what you mean. We all have secrets right?”


“But...are you hiding something from me so you're acting like this?”


“Jimin,” I looked at him. “It's me that's the problem, okay?”


He sighed and nodded, “Okay.”

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

 

“I'm sorry, what did you just say?” Jungkook scoffed as we sat in our classroom during lunch break. “You felt awkward?”


“Yeah, it's not normal, right?”

 

“No, what's not normal is that you haven't felt awkward...”

 

I sighed, “I should never talk to you about these things.”


“What's making you feel so awkward, then?” he leaned on the palm of his hand.

 

“Because...uh...” I blushed.

 

“I mean you admitted you like him—what else is th—”

 

“I know how he feels about me,” I blurted.

 

“...Oh.”

 

“I don't know what to do...”

 

“Why don't you tell him, then?”


“It's not that simple, idiot.”


He gaped, “I'm trying to help you!”


“You told me nothing new,” I gave him the most unamused stare. “I can't...just tell him.”


“Why?”


“Because...this is all messed up. I feel like a terrible person.”

 

It didn't feel any more right by ignoring Jimin throughout the day, but I just felt I needed some room.

.

.

.

After school, Jimin finally caught me, grabbing onto my arm tightly. “Richan! Stop ignoring me!”

 

I looked at him with sad eyes, and I let him hold on to me. His soft hand trailed down to my down and he laced his fingers with mines. Again, this was something usually normal, but I couldn't help but blush intensely at his action. While my heart picked up its pace, I was enjoying this feeling as long as I could. Because I had a feeling that things wouldn't be the same again. Not like this.

 

“Follow me,” Jimin said, pulling my hand. We were heading away from our houses, and I just let him direct me. I didn't have much energy to avoid or argue with him now.

 

We ended up at the park, and Jimin took us over to the swing set. He let go of my hand, then pointed to one of the unoccupied swings. “Sit down.”
I sat down obediently, and grasped the chains of the swings tightly. I kept my head down, looking at my feet which were lightly kicking off the ground. Jimin sat on the swing next to me and I could feel his eyes just staring at me. If I looked at him, I'd have to spill.

 

“Richan,” Jimin gently said my name. “Can you look at me please?”

 

There weren't many other people around at this time, despite being right after school. I didn't have an excuse to say I didn't hear him because there were too many voices at one time. I sighed and looked at him eventually, my face plastered with a saddened look.

 

Jimin instantly grew worried, “What's wrong?”

 

“Noth—” I turned back to my feet.

 

“Don't give me that!” he fought back. My head turned towards him again and I knew I wasn't ready to tell him what I did to him, yet it was going to happen now.

 

“You're lying,” he said. “You've been lying to me.”


I didn't say anything—or more like I was too afraid to say anything. What did he know and not know?

 

“You can't fool me,” he said. “I know you more that this. I know what happened.”


My eyes widened, thinking “Do you really?”

 

I could see Jimin's knuckles turn white from grasping the chains of the swings. “If it's not because of Taehyung, then there's obviously only one other thing.”

He waited a few seconds, “You read it...didn't you?”


I stood up from the swing, shocked. I took a few steps back now, because all that was going through my head was to run and get away from this. He was going to hate me for this, I was sure.

 

“I'm right,” he said, standing up too. “And now you know.”


My mouth opened and I wanted to apologize so bad, but nothing came out. When he took a step near me, I took one backwards. I was afraid.

 

“I'm sorry,” he said.

 

He was sorry?

 

“I—I'm lame, aren't I?” he laughed at himself. “I did something so juvenile...and I hid it from you. But—! But, in my defense, I was going crazy, Richan.”

 

I listened to him carefully, taking in his words, trying to see if he was angry or sad or anything else I would hate for him to feel. I clenched my backpack tightly now, anticipating.

 

“Hoseok gave me the idea. I—I didn't know what to do about myself because...because I liked you so much.”

 

That confession.

 

“I was a mess. I couldn't think straight during school or when I was alone. I—er—I liked you a long time ago, actually. But...for some reason high school made things different. Guys were different. So I wrote in there so that I could get my thoughts out.”

 

A long time ago? Like me?

“...I was scared...like a kid, I was being greedy. I was so afraid that eventually I would lose you.” Jimin's face was red all over. “A-and I was scared you would hate me if I told you I had feelings.”

But I don't hate you.

 

“I'm just telling you. I don't expect any—t-thing,” he was cracking. I could see his hands nervously shaking, and all I wanted to do was hold them until he calmed down. But of course, I wouldn't budge. Jimin continued, “It's okay that you know. It's fine...I guess it's better that way. I...I don't need any answer. J-just so you know.”

 

“I like you, too!” I wanted to scream it, but the words only stuck in my throat. Out of all the things that I wasn't afraid of saying, those words were the most difficult

 

My face panicked when I saw a tear roll down his cheeks. Jimin was the type to act like he was strong, but he was quite emotional. I knew that he hated to show too many feelings; it related back to his self-esteem and confidence. It looked like I was shattering it every second.

 

“Ah,” he wiped his tears, dripping onto his blazer. “S-sorry...I shouldn't be crying.”

Sniffling, he looked at me with a smile, “Well, I have that off my chest.”

 

I wanted to break down and cry with him. I wanted to yell at him and tell him he shouldn't be apologizing. I wanted to yell because he didn't hate me at all. I wanted to yell because no matter what, Jimin always was this kind of person and I made him feel so bad.

 

“I—if you don't mind,” he said, taking one step close to me. “I'd like to walk home alone today. Sorry...”

 

Again with the sorry. Eyebrows furrowing, I was angry at myself. No, there wasn't a way I was going to let him go home like that. He misunderstood me.

 

I finally broke free of my stance and I ran to him as fast as I could. Reaching out, I slammed right into his back, hugging him and wrapping my arms around him. Burying my face into his blazer, I enjoyed the smell of him that I loved so much.

 

“Richan...” Jimin softly murmured, standing still.

 

“Stay...” It was the only word I could muster.

 

His shoulders slumped and he stood there silently. I was sure there were probably a few awkward glances from others from time to time, but I wanted this silence to compose myself. I needed to tell him everything and clean up this...mess.

 

“Richan,” he said again and loosened my hold on him. He turned around and looked at me in expectant surprise.

 

I don't remember what happened in that moment with so many thoughts swimming in my head, but I ended up in Jimin's room. Both of us just sat on chairs silently and awkwardly.

 

“I...” I started, now confident that I clear up everything. “I'm the one who's sorry, Jimin.”

“Huh?”

“I—I'm the one who caused all this,” I said. “I shouldn't have read that notebook. I shouldn't have ignored you.”

 

Jimin stayed silent, and I was getting more worried by the second.

 

“I'm never afraid of anything,” I slightly smiled. “But thinking that I did something bad to you, it freaked the hell out of me. I didn't know what to think. I...don't want you to hate me.”

“I would never hate you!”

“...I know. I know now.”

Jimin gave me a sad smile in return.

 

“I was surprised. I didn't think that you would see me like that,” I said. “So I was just really aware of everything. Things just didn't feel the same.”
I took in a deep breath.

 

“I...I do have a response to you, though.” I looked at him and his smile faded away. He must be just as nervous as I was, or even more so.

 

“I...” I started. “I don't think—”

 

“Y-you don't—,” he interrupted. “Don't tell me. Don't say it.”

“I want to...”

“Let me be greedy one more time,” he said. “I want to keep my hopes up...”

Did he really feel I didn't like him? Both of us were denser than anyone.

 

I stood up from my chair and went over to him, raising my finger and flicking his forehead.

 

“Ow!” he flinched, holding his forehead with both his palms.

 

“For my best friend, you sure don't know me as well as I thought you did,” I casually rambled. “I mean, honestly, how many secrets do I need to keep from you?”

“What?”

“I'm going to tell you, whether you want it or not,” I said, grabbing his wrists.

 

“Richan—” he tried shielding his ears, but my arms kept his hands away from him.

 

“I don't think of you,” I paused and saw his eyes clenched tightly. I felt bad for pausing like this, but it really must be that he thinks I don't see him as anything but a friend. “...the way you think I do. I, actually, for a very long time, I...”

 

“I love you.”

He froze from those words, not even looking at me.

 

“More than a friend.”

 

His strength was lost and his arms went limp, falling to his lap.

 

“A-are you joking or?”

 

“I'm not going to joke around with this!” I protested, surprised he wouldn’t believe me.

 

“I...I don't believe thi—”

 

Quickly and swiftly, I pulled his face closer and let our lips touch. Yes, I kissed my best friend first. It wasn't anything deep, it just felt nice to have our mouths connected. Jimin wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, and I smiled widely. It was so nice to feel this way. Things felt clean; my heart felt clear and light.

 

“Are you two hu—oh, okay I'm sorry—” we heard and tore ourselves apart instantly. A tinge of heat rose to my cheeks faster than ever at the sight of Jimin's mother covering her eyes and turned away. Shyly, she turned back to see us looking at her awkwardly and embarrassed.

 

She chuckled, “So this is what it's come to.”

 

“Omma...”

 

“To be honest, Richan, I don't know what you see in him,” she teased, standing in between us now and lightly draping her arm over my shoulder.

 

“Omma!!!” Jimin whined, standing up from his chair at last.

 

I laughed along, “Now that I think about it...”

 

“Richan!”

 

“We're kidding, Jimin-ah,” she said and laughed, flailing her other hand at the red-faced boy. “Come down and eat, okay?”

 

I nodded and she left the room. My stomach grumbled at the exact moment as well. I looked at Jimin, who had went to cover himself in his blankets. I ran over and threw myself onto him, or the lump of blankets.

 

“Ahhh—!” he yelped, poking his head out and rolling me off of him. “I'm so embarrassed right now.”

“Why?”


“Everything. You confessed to me, and you ki—” he paused.

 

“Tch,” I scoffed. “Is it that embarrassing?”


“Coming from you.”

 

“Your best friend?”
 

“Former.”

 

I grinned to myself.

 

“Yah, boyfriend,” I said, whacking him under the blankets. “Do you want to know what I see in you?”

 

I'm sure he was blushing too much to even want to move.

 

“I see...everything my best friend was, but now I see everything else.”

 

I chuckled, “You're still a mess, to be honest. Maybe not your room, but you in general. But I can let it pass now, because it looks like its a good thing. Look where it got us.”

“You're mean,” he mumbled.

 

“Aww,” I faked crying.

 

Jimin swiftly sat up, then turned over to hover on top of me. “Always full of surprises.”

 

I poked his nose, “Even after all these years, there's always something new.”

 

Jimin kissed me softly once more and mumbled that he loved me in my ear before getting off the bed and pulling me along. “Should we go eat now?”

 

I nodded and held onto Jimin's hand, my boyfriend who will always, though, be the mess of a best friend. And I'm perfectly fine with it.

 

 

“One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries.”
- A.A. Milne

 

 

 

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word count: 8133

//dies how do i always end up writing even more than the previous fic

sorry for the long wait ! it's finally finished ^^ hopefully you guys liked it haha I think this is a little less 'life lessony' and more fluff lolol

i love jimin btw omfg

so then, please comment and upvote if you liked it :3

I have a j-hope fic in the works right now LOL im going to write of each member ^^