1: Hani

I walked along the hallway, feeling empty as I watched those around me. Best friends sharing jokes, couples loving each other, and other students enjoying their lives. And then it struck me—what is wrong with my life? When did all things go wrong?

I tugged my long sleeved shirt to cover up to my wrists. It wasn’t chilly—no, it’s summer but yet, I wanted to hide myself. Gliding through the crowd to reach my class, I began to speed up my pace. It wasn’t that I hate the school, and in fact, I love going to one. It is my only escape at this moment. Mixing up with people while putting up a mask was the hard part. But you could say that I’ve mastered that already.

I must be deep in my thoughts when I suddenly crashed onto someone. I was weak and of course, being me, I dropped all my books on the floor. As I crouched down to get them, I felt the presence of someone helping me out. Ah, right—the one that I knocked on just now. My eyes looked up to meet his glance, and I see nothing but chastity.

“I’m sorry.” He smiled. I shook my head and gathered all my stuff. After we got up, he handed me my diary. My eyes widened for a bit and I took it right away. No one is supposed to know about this. Saying a small sorry and a thanks to him, I excused myself and walked away. I need to get to my class. However, before I go, I caught a glimpse of his name tag—Kim Joonmyun.

I was talking to Eunjo when Mr. Kim, our English teacher walked in. Eunjo finished up her whole story of going to New Zealand and patted me on my shoulder. I smiled in gratitude. At least I do have friends—but our lives were vastly different from one another. The teacher knocked his books on his table to get our attentions. I found it better to doodle in my diary rather than to listen to his awkward English. My Busan neighbor could talk better English than he does.

He was saying all those tenses but I don’t care. It’s not like I’d go to a nice college after high school ends. I wanted to but I just can’t. Well, I would want to leave this hell but the risk was too high. It was like me against the whole world. I can’t fight the whole world. Sighing, I turned down to my diary again and began scribbling on it. No words could explain me right now so I just scribbled anything—just everything.

The bell rang before Mr. Kim could say more. I heard the boys at the back already laughing and talking out loud. Girls were preparing themselves to go to the malls. Friends are sharing signals even when they’re across the room. I quickly closed my diary and tugged it inside my bag. Mr. Kim looked at the chaotic class, sighing before dismissing himself. I could feel him being unwanted. I know that feeling.

Eunjo and another friend caught up with me. “Come with us to the mall, later.” Hyomin asked. I shook my head and turned her down politely. We were walking our way to the toilet now. They were still urging me to go along with them to the shopping mall. Trust me, I wanted to but I just can’t. “That’s a shame. You’ll miss a lot of things later.”

I mumbled a small reply to her and she laughed it off. Then Eunjo and Hyomin got engaged in another conversation. I didn’t quite get what they were talking about so I let myself slip, walking a few steps behind them. I squeezed my wrist and when blood started to ooze out through my sleeve, I hid them behind my back.

Looking around to see if anyone watched that, my eyes again met with the boy’s earlier. Who was he again—Ah, Kim Joonmyun. That Joonmyun kid had his eyes on mine all the time till I walked into the toilet. And I couldn’t stir my eyes off him as well. That was one intense eyes-locking moment. Did he see my wrist? Was that the reason why he stared?

“Hani,” I raised my brows at Eunjo. “Are you okay? You look spaced out.” I shook my head and laughed when she tried to climb up to the counter but failed to do so. She suddenly handed me a lipstick. I looked at her weirdly. “Your lips look cracked. You should’ve drunk more water. Here, it has collagen and supposedly, your lips would look extra y after using them.” She puckered her lips.

Hyomin and I laughed at her but still I grabbed the lipstick. I’ve said too much ‘no’s today. Spreading the lipstick slowly on my lips, I felt a bit different. It was dark red—like what the es wear. And I thought that I looked quite better with it on so I applied maybe a bit too much. My lips seemed swollen now.

“Hey,” Hyomin called, “You look like Niel, one of our seniors.” Then, we all laughed. As much as I wanted to be with them, I needed some time alone too. Hyomin and Eunjo excused themselves to go to the mall and I was left alone in the toilet. I stared at my own reflection on the mirror. I looked different and I liked it. For once, I didn’t see the useless and depressed Hani. But that won’t make me feel any better.

I remembered the blood from my wrist just now and slowly washed them away. My blood is red…and my lips are now red. I hated myself. I felt like nothing and out of anger, I smeared the lipstick off. I must have looked like joker then. And no one would understand me.

I wore a black sweater today—so that the same thing would not occur like yesterday. I had trouble getting rid of the blood since it had dried up. Walking to my locker, I felt someone stared at me. I tried to brush it off but it seemed disturbing. I glanced around but I guessed that I was just imaging things. I slowly opened my locker. I took out my Chemistry book and was about to close the locker when the pictures pasted in it pulled me in. I felt nostalgic. I wasn’t happy either back then. And I’m no change from that now.

Sighing, I closed the locker with a clamped fist. It hurts a lot—slicing your own wrists. I tried taking my life away but flashes of good memories and times stopped me. I had fear and I’m scared of death. I had sinned too much and maybe I just didn’t want to go to hell just yet. When did all this start? Blame my parents for raising a monster.

When I turned around, I saw him in front of me. Was it Kim Joonmyun? Ah yes.

“I—” He started. I looked at him in confusion. What does he want from me? Did he really see the blood yesterday? Even so, what is he going to talk about? I stopped asking myself questions and waited for his words. But even after a few minutes had passed, he was still not saying anything. “I—um,” He looked at my chest and when I followed his eyes, I found them on my name tag.

“You’re Shim Hanhee.” He finally breathed out. I hesitantly nodded my head. The Joonmyun kid also nodded his head and took a deep breath. “I—”

And the bell rang. He clacked his tongue and looked at me in worries. “Um, nevermind, I’ll talk to you some other time.” He waved. I nodded my head and walked away as fast as I could. I can’t befriend anyone anymore. It would add my burden to act normal, and as if I am fine—because apparently, I am far from being fine.