-- Jonghyun-- Lost Control

 

What went wrong?

 

Things happened so fast that it all went out of control.

 

There was nothing else here but pain and regret.

 

I could no longer hold on to her.

 

In my mind, I wanted to disappear.

 

Emotional as I was feeling, I did what I thought was the only thing that would help me escape this feelings.

 

Pills.

 

I took a couple of them to my mouth and swallowed them with the only available drink in the house, alcohol.

 

It could kill me but I was tired of caring after everything I had fell apart.

 

Nothing mattered.

 

I lost everything.

 

The house was strangely quiet.

 

This was the first time it had been this empty.

 

It wasn’t long when this place was everything that was home.

 

This place was my haven.

 

All I did was work hard to provide for us. I wanted her to be proud of me.

 

And yet, everything I did for her only drove her away.

 

“Jjongie…” she sweetly called my name.

 

“Yeobo… I really can’t tonight. I have a major client.” I told her through the phone. If I could convince this client, it would be a major advantage for my promotion. “I’m really sorry. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

 

For a short while, I waited for her answer. I could hear her sigh and reluctantly letting me skip our date for tonight. “There’s nothing I could do about it. Take care of yourself.”

 

I thought everything was fine…

 

Everything was great…

 

Until my late nights became frequent.

 

It became a reason for mistrust.

 

“You’re cheating on me, right?!” She accused me as she threw a picture frame holding out a photo of us during last year’s Christmas eve.

 

I just entered the door and barely dodged her throw.

 

I didn’t cheat on her.

 

What I said was true.

 

“I’m not lying. I had to finish some documents since we have a presentation tomorrow. You can call one of my colleagues or even my boss if you want to make sure.” I calmly told her.

 

She didn’t buy it. Instead, it made her angrier.

 

“Colleagues? Maybe they’re the ones you’re banging!”

 

“Yeobo!” I raised my voice.

 

“Don’t call me that! I hate you Kim Jonghyun.”

 

That wasn’t the reason I was taking extra hours at work. I was saving money to buy a ring for her.

 

We had been together for 2 years and I thought that we had reached the level of relationship where we’re ready to commit with each other for the rest of our lives.

 

I can’t foresee myself loving any woman other than her.

 

“Please believe when I’m telling you that there’s no other woman besides you. I love you so much.”

 

“Stop telling me lies” Without any warning, she slapped me hard.

 

I staggered back and held the spot where she hit me.

 

My eyes searched for hers and say them flowing with tears.

 

What did I do wrong?

 

All I wanted was to make her happy?

 

I was deeply hurt about her lack of faith in me.

 

“Why can’t you trust me?”

 

Tears fell without warning.

 

Despite being a guy, I was a cry-baby. I hate it but I can’t stop myself.

 

“Please… believe me when I say you’re the only one.” I said quietly.

 

“I just can’t right now, Jjong…” Her voice turned soft.

 

“I need some time to think.” She left.

 

She didn’t come back that night or the day after.

 

I called her almost every hour during the time she left. I kept calling, trying to convince her that I wasn’t cheating, saying ‘I love you’ to her over and over.

 

After almost a week, she decided to come back.

 

I held her tight against me when I saw her.

 

“I’m sorry I doubted you Jonhyun.”

 

I shook my head. “It was my fault. I wasn’t paying attention to you these past few weeks. I’ve let you down.”

 

After that, we didn’t talk about the issue anymore.

 

Still, I kept going home late.

 

I didn’t notice that what I was doing it again.

 

I was pushing her away from me.

 

My actions became the seed of her insecurities.

 

It was too late for me to realize it.

 

When I knew, she was already gone.

 

That day, I received my paycheck.

 

I had enough money to buy an engagement ring.

 

All the late nights was worth the time and energy to buy the perfect ring.

 

A few months ago, during one of our dates, I saw her eyeing the ring.

 

I offered to buy the ring, but she declined.

 

“I don’t need an expensive ring. All I need is you with me.” She said.

 

She may not need the ring but I want her to feel appreciated.

 

I managed to get home earlier tonight.

 

It was also part of the surprise.

 

I knew how much I have disappointed so this was my way of making it up to her.

 

Starting tonight, no more overtime or dinners with clients.

 

My nights from now on will be only for us.

 

I opened the door to our apartment only to find out that she’s not there.

 

“Yeobo? I’m home.” I called out but no one answered.

 

It was unusually empty.

 

Then, I noticed things were missing.

 

At first, I thought we were robbed but it was only her things.

 

A thought came to me. I tried ignoring it but it scared me.

 

I immediately checked the bedroom.

 

I checked the closets.

 

Her things were gone.

 

There was no trace of her in the room except for a plain white envelope on the bedside table.

 

My name was scrawled on the back.

 

Jonghyun.

 

My whole body trembled.

 

I opened the envelope and found a letter.

 

I gulped hard, knowing in my gut that it could be the thing that feared the most.

 

Jjong,

 

I didn’t have the courage to tell it to you personally.

I wish it didn’t have to end like this, but I couldn’t stay any longer.

Every night, I was always alone.

You were never around especially when I needed you the most.

Did you even know that it was my birthday last night?

You’ve forgotten about it.

You were so focused in your work that I was beginning to become unimportant.

What changed?

Have you gone tired of me?

I couldn’t take it anymore.

No matter what you say or do won’t bring me back.

I’m finished with everything.

By time you’re finished reading this letter, I’m on my way to the airport.

A week ago, I received a letter of acceptance for a scholarship program in Taiwan. I wanted to tell you but you brushed me off.

I tried being considerate but every time I tried to communicate with you, you were either too tired or too busy to deal with me.

This is my goodbye Jjong…

 

I loved you.

 

Take care.

 

I laughed ironically.

 

My eyes stung.

 

The emotional pain had me falling on my knees.

 

I couldn’t believe it.

 

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

 

We were going to get engaged tonight!

 

NO!

 

I took out my phone and dialled her number.

 

No one answered and it went to voicemail.

 

“This is some kind of joke, right?” I lips trembled.

 

“Please tell me that this isn’t true. You won’t leave. We promised each other that we won’t!”

 

“Please don’t leave me.”

 

“Jebal…” I sobbed. “Don’t leave me.”  

 

“Come back!” I screamed as I felt my heart being ripped into pieces.

 

BEEP.

 

Our separation was all my fault.

 

Now, I was here in this very room where I last saw her.

 

I would no longer hear her voice.

 

My vision started to blur.

 

I feel weak. Disoriented.

 

The pills have started to take effect.

 

“Please come back.”

 

I was lying on the floor looking everywhere and nowhere.

 

No one answered me.

 

But as if by magic, I saw her face in front of me.

 

She was smiling.

 

I smiled back.

 

“You came.”

 

She didn’t speak.

 

She was as beautiful as I remembered.

 

I wanted to touch her but my body was numb.

 

I couldn’t move anymore.

 

I couldn’t breathe.

 

Then…

 

Nothing…

 

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I wrote this story listening to B2ST's Easy sincere version.

This would be the most tragic out of the five oneshots.

It wasn't supposed to end this way but it just seemed appropriate.

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks for reading^^