Unwanted Results
Boundaries
Move ... move...!
The little voice in his head becomes more agitated and urgent, on the verge of screaming, but Junjin cannot move. It feels like he has lost the ability to physically function. All he can do is stand there, hypersensitive of Andy’s warm mouth and his even warmer breath mingling with his own and he still cannot move.
But ... Andy has not moved away either. He is rooted to the spot, his eyes wide and staring into Junjin’s own.
Junjin’s next action is done on impulse, a sudden whim that comes out of nowhere; without thinking, he parts his lips, letting his tongue slip through ever so slightly that he may just graze Andy’s –
A loud bark of ‘YAH!’ is what breaks them apart, Andy snapping his neck back so that Junjin is left with his head still tilted, blinking.
They look around to see that the last member has finally arrived. Eric Mun gives the both of them an irritated look as he tiredly walks into the room, his exhausted eyes perfectly revealing that he has not had much to sleep.
‘Dude, that is not the kind of scene I want to walk in on first thing in the morning when I have a hangover,’ he grumbles, giving Junjin a light flick on the head as he walks past them. He ignores Hyesung’s wry comment of ‘Typical.’
‘Uh ... y-yeah, sorry,’ Junjin almost stammers, still shaken from what had just transpired. Then what he had been about to do right before Eric’s interruption abruptly hits home and his blood runs cold.
Oh God, no. He swallows, suddenly afraid to look at Andy, because - oh my God - because just now he had almost – , what must Andy be thinking of him right now?
His horror increases when Dongwan chooses that moment to exacerbate the awkwardness of the situation by loudly complaining at Eric, ‘Man, you have the worst timing. I wanted to see how far Jinnie was planning to take it.’
What? How ... far?
Too far, whispers that little voice inside his head.
Junjin wishes that the ground had opened up and swallowed Dongwan whole before he had said those words. There is no way Andy can miss the implications behind that statement. Heck, he may have already noticed what Junjin had almost done to him just now and is already suspicious...
Eric responds to Dongwan with half-hearted interest, ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I dunno, Jinnie’s been running around kissing everyone this morning,’ Dongwan cheerfully explains as he walks over to where the dance team members have begun stretching and warming up.
‘It got worse from one member to the other,’ adds Hyesung with some amusement as he joins Dongwan. ‘I think our Andy got the full brunt of it.’
Junjin tenses. He is aware of Andy still standing beside him, utterly silent and listening.
‘Yep, and if you hadn’t interrupted them so rudely, they might have even –’
‘It was just all in good fun,’ Junjin says hastily, more loudly than necessary, before Dongwan can finish that sentence. He really does not want Andy to hear whatever erted comment their hyung has in mind. He is already terrified of being found out and Dongwan with his suggestive remarks is only making it worse. Has Andy noticed how he had –?
‘So, whatcha gonna do to Eric?’ Minwoo’s teasing voice cuts across his agitated thoughts. ‘He was the last to come in.’
Junjin blinks, shaken. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘I’m just sayin’. If you went that far with Andy for being second to last, how extreme are you going to make it for Eric?’ Minwoo throws their leader a -eating grin and Eric positively glares at him in return, obviously too tired and hung over for their games.
Junjin chuckles in what he hopes is a nonchalant way. ‘No thanks, hyung. I’m still young. I’m not prepared to die yet.’
This brings about a round of appreciative laughter and Eric’s face softens in amusement. Junjin relaxes a little as the rest of the members start warming up as well, finally dropping the topic. That conversation had almost hit a mine there –
‘Jin-ah...’
He starts a little at the soft voice by his shoulder, suddenly remembering that he is not alone. He has not looked round at Andy even once after the not-quite-that-innocent kiss and he is struck by terror all over again. He has no idea what he will do if Andy starts suspecting him...
‘Jin, you can let go now.’
Junjin blinks at the unexpected words and looks round, only to realise that he is still gripping Andy’s bare forearm possessively. He lets go as if it has burnt him white-hot, his tongue stumbling over the words as he hurriedly apologises for the finger marks he has left.
‘Relax, it’s fine, no big deal.’
Finally, Junjin allows himself to properly meet Andy’s eyes. They are the same as they always have been, piercing and warm, with no hint of any displeasure or suspicion. Andy gives the taller man a small smile as he lightly massages the spot on his arm Junjin had had his death grip on, and that casual smile is all it takes for the butterfly haven in his stomach to abruptly morph into a crazy bat cave.
He suddenly wonders if experimenting had been a Bad Idea. The results are ... not exactly what Junjin expected. Or wanted.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says without thinking.
Andy, who has just been about to walk away towards their dance team, stops to look quizzically at him. ‘What for?’
‘For...’ Junjin awkwardly shifts from one foot to another, lowering his gaze in both shame and – heaven help him – shyness. He inwardly grimaces and tells himself to get a grip and pull himself together. This is not normal behaviour for him; Park Choongjae does not act like this in front of anyone, least of all someone he considers one of his best friends and, truth be told, he really really does not like the fact that this person whom he has known for so long is suddenly having this effect on him.
And that too without even doing anything. Just by being Lee freaking Sunho.
‘For...?’ The man in question prompts when Junjin shows no sign of continuing.
‘For ... just now. It – it was an accident, yanno?’ Junjin coughs would-be-dispassionately and stuffs his hands in his pockets. ‘I didn’t mean to – I mean, I was totally going for your cheek, I swear –’
‘Yeah, I get that,’ Andy speaks up, turning to face him fully. ‘But why are you so worked up over this? It’s not like we haven’t kissed before.’
The remark feels almost like a slap in the face, making him want to hide in a closet somewhere out of sheer mortification. That single implication – that Andy has accepted that kiss as something as normal as one of their frequent skinships, whereas it means a whole lot more than that to Junjin – both humiliates and hurts him. He tries to stomp down on the feelings, angry at himself.
Andy is right. He should not be worked up over such a simple thing. If anything, he should be relieved that Andy is thinking of that kiss as something normal between them. If it were otherwise ... He thinks he will die if the other man ever finds out that Junjin’s feelings towards him has begun to run a little deeper, his touches lasting a little longer, and his kisses less innocent...
Bringing his train of thought to a halt, Junjin tries to smile. ‘Yeah, you’re right. I’m just saying sorry ‘cause I know you don’t actually like to be kissed or anything.’
Andy laughs a little, rolling his eyes. ‘And since when has that ever stopped any of you?’
This time, Junjin laughs genuinely. ‘Point,’ he grins; and, because he wants things to go back to normal so badly, he decides to do what he (or any other Shinhwa member, for that matter) would normally do in such a moment, which is to grin evilly and deliberately try to kiss Andy again (on the cheek this time, and hopefully without anymore butterflies to distract him), just for the sake of pissing off the maknae and prove his point at the same time.
However, fifteen years together is a long time for Andy to learn his lesson. He dodges the kiss expertly and pokes Junjin in the side, making him start a little.
‘Nice try,’ Andy chuckles.
Junjin is about to retort when Andy’s grin suddenly evolves into a dangerous full-fledged smirk. In the blink of an eye, he is pressed up against Junjin, gripping his upper arms.
‘Wha –’ begins the taller man, but before he has quite realised what just happened, Andy brings his mouth to Junjin’s ear and blows, the gesture more sensual than anything Junjin is prepared for. The sensation sends a ticklish shudder through his body and cold shivers – not the good kind – down his spine. Junjin twists away in shock, but Andy does not let go without one last act of revenge: he flicks his tongue out, deliberately grazing the shell of Junjin’s ear and the latter swears something inside him breaks at that moment.
His brain, maybe.
And then Junjin is left staring in disbelief at Andy, who looks far too self satisfied than should be allowed. His eyes gleam with mischief and, folding his arms, he drawls, ‘You guys forget that two can play at this game.’
Junjin tries to force out a laugh, raising his hand to finger his tingling ear. Damn it, Andy Lee.
And damn himself for forgetting that, contrary to popular belief, Andy actually does not take things lying down. He may not be a fan of skinship – and kissing in particular – but, despite the great number of times Andy just complains or just fights it off, he knows perfectly well how to play at this game too. He knows how to give his hyungs more than they are prepared for (or can handle) when he wants to make them back off of him. And it usually works well.
Like now, for instance. Junjin cannot even contemplate touching Andy again.
Andy’s smirk fades a little, his eyes clouding with a touch of concern at the other’s expression. ‘Jin ...?’
At that moment, Minwoo bellows from the other side of the room, his voice laced with irritation, ‘Are you two seriously just gonna stand there and flirt all morning?! We have a ton to practice and you haven’t even stretched a finger, lazy buggers!’
Andy quickly looks over his shoulder with guilty eyes. ‘Sorry, hyung, we’re coming!’ He reaches for Junjin’s arm. ‘C’mon, let’s go.’
He does not mean to do it, he really doesn’t, but Andy’s touch on his arm makes him flinch, his whole body tensing. Andy stares at him, his face no longer holding any humour.
‘Choongjae-ah ... what is it? What’s bothering you?’
Junjin opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, wondering what to say. What is bothering him?
How about the fact that, today, he has discovered that his feelings towards this man in front of him run on a completely different wavelength than what he feels for everyone else? How about the fact that he cannot even look at, let alone touch, Andy Lee without feeling things that he sure as heck knows he should not feel? How about the fact that he can no longer even pretend to act normally around Andy because what Andy does to him is anything but normal? How about the fact that he is so terrified of Andy ever finding out about this, and yet here he is, inadvertently making Andy more and more suspicious of him?
Or how about the fact that he no longer knows how to act around Andy, how to talk to him, or how to do skinship with him or receive skinship from him – because the boundary between what is allowed and what is not has become so distorted he wonders if it is even there anymore...
(Or maybe Junjin just wants to ignore that boundary and step over it, to find out what will happen if he actually does take things that far, to see if Andy will accept it – him – or not...)
Andy repeats his name again and Junjin quickly shakes his head, trying not to show how unnerved he is by Andy and what he has just done.
‘It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.’ Taking a breath, he shoots a heavy smile at his friend. ‘I was just ... surprised. You ... me.’
Andy gives him a look, and this time, it is neither his usual warm gaze nor one filled with mischief. This one is unreadable, heavy and intense, and Junjin feels something like dread prickling at him, as if he is going to regret something huge.
He has never been more right.
Andy holds his gaze for a few more seconds, before saying very clearly, ‘...you me first, Jin-ah.’
And then he is walking away towards Minwoo and all Junjin can do is gape after him, mouth open and heart racing, as he realises that Andy had indeed noticed the less-than-innocent direction Junjin’s earlier kiss had taken.
Andy noticed.
And maybe, he has also realised the change in Junjin’s feelings towards him?
Has he possibly?
If he has ... then what?
Junjin wants to dig a hole in the ground, bury himself alive and never see the light of day again.
He is so screwed.
Sorry for the long wait, dear readers, and also thanks to those who stick with me and my sporadic updates ♥ I'll get this fic done, no worries!
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