I couldn’t take my eyes from you. It was the first time since I’m graduated that I come here for my summer vacation. Standing by the only tree left in the middle of this meadow, I kept staring at the source of my guilt. Calmly you looked up to the sky, reaching out your fingers to touch the soft pink clouds. Ah, only if I can hold those hands of yours and whisper sweet nothings, will I make things better? I left without saying anything to you and let the red balloon flew away from your grasp.

The past wasn’t as hurting as today actually. You’re there next to a big stone and holding a red balloon, beaming like other kids. But you didn’t chase us or laugh with us. You stayed still, smiling like a statue. A friend of mine once asked, “Why are you just standing here?” and all you could answer was just a faint smile.

I did start everything though. The boy with Donald Duck shirt and dirty shorts is me, yelling at you that you’re too fat to run. And I can still picture how the other kids laughed at you. I wanted to punch you if I remember the smile you gave afterwards. How could you just remain silent after being laughed at? I got the answer when everything is too late to change.

Steamed bun is the first thing I have ever received from you. The thing was round and white; I was a bit hesitate to eat it. You asked why and my answer is something I regret soon. “I don’t want to eat you, eww!” I threw the bun at your face and you still managed to smile. From that time I started calling you baozi and you will cracked another smile.

The first time you asked to join the game was in middle school. It was a soccer game and I doubted you at first but you proved yourself that I wasn’t any better. Being the selfish boy I was, I tackled you to the ground. Everyone saw it. Everyone knew it was my fault and everyone laughed at you again. You’re crying that day and I kept calling you fat and baozi. Then I realized you’re shorter than me so it’s another pet name to be made.

High school days are when you start falling in love and get a girlfriend. Well, I found myself as a gay and got a boyfriend instead. I cringed and spilled my lunch at your face right after your confession. “I’m not sorry for you, Baozi! Go get a mirror! You’re too fat for someone like me!” was what I told you in the cafeteria, in front of everyone. And they’re burst into laughter, too loud that I bet your ears were about to explode.

It’s one twilight at the meadow. I was here under the tree with my boyfriend in my arms. You were there watching me from afar, holding a red balloon like before. That was the time my childish mind reappeared and all I wanted to do is hurt you even more. So I took my boyfriend’s lips and everything he had to offer. I made sure you saw everything. From my boyfriend’s forehead to his tiptoes. It gave me more pleasure when I took a second glance at the crying you, so pathetic and miserable that I just wanted to break your chest and rip your heart.

Years had passed and I come here again. I didn’t expect to see you so different from the last time. You’re not the fat baozi I used to abuse yesterday; I even wonder if you still worth to be called ‘baozi’.  The round face is now gone and even the shine in your eyes is changed into something unreadable. All I can see is nothing than the silent grave with your picture leans on the cold stone.  You look so weak and empty in your photo, made of bones and a piece of skin with no flesh.

Every step I take seem to steal one by one of my breath. With trembling hands I drag my weak legs to you. There’s a mix of feelings in my chest as I go even further. The smile I hate isn’t there but why does the coldness makes me hate you even more?

All the questions in my head that were directed to you are now being thrown at me, so hard I feel like my body burnt in fire. I shakily reach my hand to you and broke down to the ground. A stream of water is hot against my cheek, so painful that I’m sure there’s a long bloody cut there. And that’s when I grip my chest, trying to stop whatever that seem to squeeze my small and almost non-existent heart hard.

You set me on fire by just your looks and comes the stinging feelings at the back of my eyes. The sky is falling onto me the moment I meet glance with you. Your empty stare digs a hole in me, so deep and hurting. I wonder if this is what you felt when you were in my position. The throbbing sensation is already too much to bear that I almost think I’m dying. My chest is tighten for my heaving sobs force to come out. The sky is nothing but a needle-crying clouds, no longer pink like our first.

“I’m sorry, Minseok...” I whispered to you through the wet soil, something that should be said long time ago.

My words come out in a hush and incoherent as I cry in agony. Every syllable filled with sorrow and nothing but pain. I see you standing at a distance with chubby cheeks and black formal suits. There’s no red balloons in your hand; only the black one to sign the death. The earth is slowly pulled me down into the dark hole of regrets, accompanied by nothingness.

I am so mean, the time is cruel, peoples are ignorant and you are too kind for your own good.