Title: Saturday Midnight

Reviewer: LokiCraze123

Story Link

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Title 3/5

  It matches the story well, but it seems a bit awkward in a way. Saturday Midnight. Saturday Midnight. I constantly repeat it in my mind. It sticks to you and that is what you want to make a story more memorable, but it doesn’t flow together. I don’t know, it seemed stiff the more I say it. It sounds like Saturday. Midnight. However, like I said, it matches well with the story.

Appearance 4/5                           

  I’m not a graphic maker, nor am I good at it, but when I think of Midnight, I imagine more of a dark shade of blue rather than gray. Other than that, I love it, but I’m not sure about Jiyeon’s pirate hat. I’m not going to dock points because of that, but usually when starting a new paragraph, you indent on the first word. Yes, in AFF it’s double spaced, but indentions are important just like in writing essays.

Originality 3/5

  I haven’t read a lot of stories that are about ghosts, but there are out there. There are stories about this mystery musician that the main character is entranced by and soon meets whoever that is. They fall in love and so on. But since there aren’t that many stories like that, I gave it a 3.

Foreword/Description 8/10

  The description to your whole one-shot collection was beautiful, but when you came to the actual description and foreword, I just didn’t feel captivated. “Every Saturday night when the clock struck twelve, he would hear the sound of an acoustic guitar and the singing girl.” I know it’s a one-shot, but it’s quite bland and already gives away what will happen. I’ll go more in depth about this on the overall plot rating.

“Under the moonlight,

a handsome boy approaches me and talks to me.

He looks like a nice boy,

and I still can't believe it.

Oh, it seems like a beautiful dream.”

  I liked this because it was actually the lyrics to Jiyeon’s song. However, before reading the story, it did seem a bit choppy at first, but the more I read it, the more I realize how important it is.

  Now, I love how you added music playing in the back ground. How did you do it? It’s a beautiful addition to the story because it matches well with the one-shot. :D

Character and Character Development 12/15

 12 because since it’s a one-shot, it’s quite hard developing a character, but just like for the foreword, I’ll explain this in greater detail on the plot. I could grasp a bit of Myungsoo’s personality. He’s caring, devoted, and curious? But Jiyeon, on the other hand, confuses me. At first, she seemed like this innocent girl then all of a sudden she kisses him. I haven’t met many people who just randomly kisses someone out of nowhere because they believe they’re their soul mate. I don’t know, I didn’t feel much sympathy for Jiyeon since we don’t know the full story about why she needed to be set free.  

Overall Plot Rating 13/15

  As I said, I will go more in detail about the foreword and description here. I believe you should make this story longer. I loved the way you introduced Myungsoo and his character, but when he met Jiyeon, it went sort of downhill. A one-shot like that deserves to be put more in depth if you want your readers to remember your story. It is a lovely story, but was rushed towards the end. Jiyeon just suddenly mentions about her soul mate and believes Myungsoo is the one, but wouldn’t there be some sort of doubts depending on how long she has waited. Surely, once you’ve been trapped for so long, you lose hope. Yes, you have finally met someone who could break a spell or something, but why would you just suddenly bring it up and kiss him right then and there? Why would a simple kiss set her free? Why are there no emotions between the two? It seemed more like lust rather than actual love. I’m not even sure if you would fall in love that quickly and kiss like that right then and there. There was just something missing in this one-shot and you don’t want your readers to feel that way. And towards the ending where you left Myungsoo confused, I just couldn’t sympathize with him. It just wasn’t clicking for me.

Flow of Story 7/10

  I feel like this part sort of lacked in your one-shot. Yes a one-shot is a one-shot, but I believe one-shots like yours need to be longer. I want to feel sympathy for your characters and connect with them more. I didn’t feel that as the story was pretty short. Maybe it’s best to add some background information about Jiyeon, but the big problem is that everything was first-person point of view. So instead, you could probably have them meet a couple of more times so Myungsoo’s feelings would develop better and when they do kiss, the reader would feel their passion. Also, you would feel more goose bumps crawling against your skin because it would be even more surprising. Other than that, I enjoyed the beginning and middle.

Grammar and Spelling 12/15

  Very little grammar mistakes and no spelling mistakes I believe. I’m not an English teacher, so I’m not sure how to explain everything to you without confusing you, but I will point out what I have noticed and try to explain why.

  “Stay up late Saturday night and sleep on Sunday morning had…”

  It should be “[Staying] up late Saturday night…”

    It should be staying because you use the ending –ing when it is a continuous habit or action. He does do it every Saturday, right?

“It was exquisite, but very sad, such a melancholy melody, yet it made me feel calmer and sleepy.”

  I’m not sure how you want to change this sentence, but you don’t want to be redundant. Sad and melancholy are basically the same. If it’s sad, of course it’ll be melancholic. I think it’s best to take out “…but very sad…” and change the sentence a bit so it’ll flow better. Maybe try, “It was exquisite with a melancholy melody, yet it made me feel in tranquility.” Or something along those lines.

  “…I countered. She quickly brushed her tears away…”

  After countered, start a new paragraph because you are no longer talking about Myungsoo, but Jiyeon. Since Jiyeon is doing the action, you add another paragraph.

  “She flashed me an innocent smile; her innocent smile was like an innocent smile of a child.”

 Try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence or when they’re very close to each other because it loses the flow of the sentence.

  What I loved about your writing was you varied your sentences. Varying your sentences is very important in writing because you don’t always want choppy sentences or bore your readers with long sentences with vivid details all the time. By varying your sentences, you could understand the tone of the story. Short and choppy gives off a suspenseful feel and afterwards using flowy sentences brings the reader back to reality and calms them down. So your sentences were appropriate to your story.

Overall Enjoyment 13/15

  I enjoyed this story very much, but the ending did throw me off a bit.

Bonus 10/10

  Full marks because I just love the setting and how you organized everything (layout wise). Plus, it looks beautiful in general.

 Total 85/100

  You have a beautiful story, but for stories like those, it should have more detail. You want to add more emotions that way your readers will feel it too. Good writers know how to connect with their readers using their diction (which you did a really good job at for not having English as your native language), the setting, and their characters. No story is perfect, not even mines. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but you did want a harsh review, so that’s what I did and that’s why you wanted to have a review. You wanted to see your strengths and weak points. So far, you need to focus on the flow even if it’s just a one-shot and your characters.

  Overall, I’m glad I got a chance to review this. Thanks for requesting and don’t forget to credit! :D If you have any questions, feel free to ask me!