Heechul

I sighed, running a hand through my black hair. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes as I pressed my back against the cold metal of the elevator door. The walls reflected every inch of me and I could feel my stomach churning as I closed my eyes, trying to breath. I wouldn’t let myself fall, not here. I’d make it to the dorms, lock the door and then I’d tear myself apart. The thoughts would start and I knew they would never leave until I was a sobbing mess. Normally Jaehwan was there to pick me up, stop the tears and ease over the pain or Leeteuk was on the other end of the phone with his motherly voice soothing me to sleep. They were always there to pick up the pieces and patch up the wounds I got daily. Now, now they were both so far away. Leeteuk had enlisted, going back to Park Jungsoo and Jaehwan was miles away in our old apartment with a new roommate from our office. He wasn’t there to fight off the monsters that were lurking in my mind. He wasn’t there when I opened my eyes and met my reflection in the mirrored walls. I wanted to scream at the man before, I wanted to hit him until he change, until he became the man that Kyuhyun wanted, the man that wasn’t broken. My hands shook as I shoved the earphones into my small ears roughly, winching at the slight pain. My thumb sliding across the screen of my phone and pressing play. The family yet strange English words filling my sense as I bit my lip to hold in my tears.

                      ‘I see you standing there but you’re already gone, I’m holding your hand but you’re barely holding on, I’m kissing your lips but it just don’t feel the same. Am I dead there now, left living with the blame?’

I was dead deep inside. I died a little bit more with each day that passed, each day I spent on my own. Their words getting to me as the elevator seemed to shrink. I could feel Junho’s breath against my ear; feel the hand digging into my sides. I clenched my fists as the memories hit. The kick to the side aching as I remember how it felt to be so weak, to go from being someone to nothing with a few months. It never stopped, no matter how much Jaehwan tried. I refused to report it. It’s only created trouble for Super Junior, only bring them down. They’d be torn up by the media for not knowing and for not doing anything. My family would be put to shame. After all, whose son goes to the army and gets bullied? What man doesn’t fight back for fear of his image being ruined? What type of man was I since I lay there and took everything he threw at me? I was weak, the lowest of the low. Being an idol does nothing but leave you as a target. I wasn’t muscular like Siwon; I wasn’t some hidden ninja like Sungmin or sharp like Kyuhyun. I was Kim Heechul. The man with a pretty face and honesty. ‘No one will help you your highness. Look! Your band is going on without you. No one misses you princess. No one would care if you never came back. You’re worthless Kim Heechul. Probably only good for be the industries , the tension relief. Not even your face is worth anything. I wonder what they’d come up with if someday…I don’t know, you suddenly disappeared? No one would know princess. It’d be my dirty little secret’ Junho’s cold voice rang through my head, blocking out the music that I desperately tried to focus on. I placed a hand on my side softly; even the softest touch to the swollen area made me flinch and cry out softly, tears in my eyes. I was so tired, so damn tired of being hurt by everyone. I don’t think I would be able to stand much more of this before giving up. The group would be better right, better if I disappeared?

          The thoughts swam in my head, growing darker by the second as the doors opened. I glanced at the screen, frowning as it displayed the number 11. Sungmin was laughing as he dragged a grumpy and red eyed Kyuhyun into the elevator. The air growing tense as his gaze found my figure huddled in the corner. I watched as concern flashed across his face at my red eyes and shaking shoulder. Kyuhyun frowned slightly, turning to Sungmin who only smirked before hitting the close button and hopping out of the elevator just before they closed. I watched as Kyuhyun glared softly before sighing turning to face me. He rubbed his temples softly as I took an ear phone out, giving him a small smile. I watched as the corners of his lips tugged slightly before returning to being a straight line, plumb lips losing colour as he strained them tightly. ‘Hyung’ Kyuhyun greeted softly, bowing his head slightly. I averted my eyes, staring at the doors as I flinched at my reflection, settling a hand on my side. ‘You look tired Hyung’ Kyuhyun stated, staring ahead like I was, ‘I guess army life isn’t easy even if you’re just an office worker’. I took a deep breath, trying to numb the aching in my side. Relief flooded my body as the elevator stopped causing me to stumble slightly. I let out a pained gasp as a hand dug into my bruised side, trying to steady me, warm breath near my ear. ‘Careful Heechul’ Kyuhyun’s voice was low as if he was struggling to get the right words out of his mouth. I whimpered slightly as he gripped my side, straightening me as he led me onto the hallway. My hand shook slightly as it cover his, moving it off my waist as the pain surged through my side, bringing tears to my eyes.

           ‘Heeni-…Hyung, what’s wrong?” Kyuhyun’s voice was laced with worry as he crouched slightly to look at my face. I shook my head, forcing a bright smile onto my lips through the pain, ‘I’m fine Kyuhyun-ah, I’m just tired…’. Kyuhyun’s eyes narrowed moving down my body slowly. I kept my gaze steady as he gulped slightly, Adams apple dipping low in his throat in front of my face. My hands shook. I wanted to wrap them around his neck, to pull him close and burry my head in his shoulder. I wanted his warm hands on the small of my back drawing little circles like he use to back when he could look at me with out closed off eyes. I wanted his soft lips placing kisses on my nose while he chuckled at my blush but all I got was a slightly concerned Dongsaeng gazing at me with doubt. I was pulled out of my thoughts as a cold breeze hit the skin of my stomach. ‘Jesus Heenim’ Kyuhyun exclaimed in shock, his old pet name for me slipping out as his warm fingers ran against the purple blotch covering my side, spreading from my hip to my ribs. I could feel my heart speeding up as he trailed his fingers against my skin. ‘What happened Heenim? Did someone hurt you?’ Kyuhyun asked softly, eyes wide with anger as he leant close to me. I shook my head, stumbling out of his grasp. I pulled down my t-shirt quickly, making my way to the door. ‘For God’s sake Heechul, answer me. You can’t walk away pretending to be fine with a bruise that size on your body!’ Kyuhyun scolded, grabbing my wrist. I froze, hand on the door, anger building in my chest. For weeks he’d ignored me after I moved back. He ignored me for a full year, never visiting on breaks or calling. ‘I can. You let me walk right past you these days with worse wounds and don’t blink an eye, I guess you only care about the ones others create because you’re too scared to fix the ones you make Kyuhyun. I fell down the stairs if you must know. My leg isn’t exactly the best. Good night Kyuhyun’ I snapped coldly, flinging the door open and kicking off my shoes in a hurry as he followed behind me. ‘Hyung, you’re home! Do want to watch this drama with me?’ Kangin smiled excitedly, happy to see. ‘Not now. I need to be alone. I’m tired, it was a long day and I promise Hongki I’d call’ I said not even glancing at him as I left the room. ‘H-Heechul…please…’ Kyuhyun called, trying to reach for me as I closed the door to my room, locking it quickly. I slid down with my back against the door, hand clasped over my mouth to prevent the sobs. The pain in my chest was ripping me apart, numbing my side as I waited for his footsteps to disappear.

        My hands shook as I dug my phone out of my pocket as it rang. ‘Yeoboseyo?’ I managed to whimper out, pulling myself from the floor. I balanced the phone between my shoulder and ear as Heebum gazed up at me longingly. ‘Hyung, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?’ Hongki’s worried voice filled my ears. I laughed softly; he was always a cute Dongsaeng. Always making sure I was eating and ringing Jaehwan to ask about the things I wasn’t telling him, he looked after me, more then a Dongsaeng should look after there Hyung but that’s what made him adorable. I picked Heebum up carefully, cradling him in my arms. He purred in content as I scratched behind his ears softly. ‘Even if I say I’m okay you won’t believe me right?’ I teased softly, letting out a chuckle as Heebum my chin with his rough tongue before settling in my arms. ‘That’s because you have this strange idea that you need to be strong for everyone Hyung. I know it was hard to trust again after Hangeng and it’s probably even harder to trust now after the way you and Kyuhyun-Hyung ended. But I’m here for you Hyung, so is Simon, Gunhee, Jaehwan, Leeteuk and the rest of our Chocoball members. Geun Suk is literally raining me every five seconds since I landed in Japan to ask about you and why you don’t answer his calls. Seriously Hyung, would it kill you to answer the phone to him? I think he’s going crazy without all of us’ Hongki scolded animatedly from the other end of the phone. I couldn’t help but chuckle at his antics; he was just too adorable at times. He was such an innocent and caring Dongsaeng but fiercely protective at the same time and probably a little snaky from hanging out with me too much. ‘You always make me smile Hongki-ah’ I chuckled, lying down on the bed. Heebum mewled in disapproval as he stood; back arched, gazing at me as he stretched and pawed at my chest before settling once again, tail flicking me in the face as I laughed. ‘You made me laugh and now Heebum is angry with me’ I informed a confused Hongki as he sighed, chuckling slightly. ‘Of course I am the reason your overly spoiled cat is angry with you. But Hyung, seriously, are you okay?’ Hongki asked softly, sounding nervous, the voices in the background getting louder. ‘I’m absolutely fine today Hongki, just tired. Travelling from the dorms to the base is tiring. I have to go; Wookie needs help with the dinner. And I’m sure Jonghyun wants you all to himself’ I teased, hearing Jonghyun’s deep chuckle and squeak from Hongki. ‘I’ll take care of him Hyung, promise. Tell the Hyung’s I said hi!’ Jonghyun laughed before the line went dead.

              I took deep breaths, silent tears staining my sunken cheeks once again. I tried to keep my body from trembling and disturbing Heebum from his slumber. He’d been cuddling up to me every chance he got since I moved back in, I suppose he missed having me close after me always being there to be his pillow. Just like how he use to curl up in one of Kyuhyun’s old jumpers I had tucked in my wardrobe, before I left Heebum would spend hours nudging the material expecting a warm hand to pet him. ‘I miss him too Bummie’ I choked out as Heebum gazed up at me, bright eyes illuminate by the moon shining through the window of my dark prison. He purred lowly, paw stretching to rest above my heart, almost as if he was feeling my pain he mewled. I raised my eyes to the ceiling, letting the tears flow, ignoring the soft whimpers from outside my door, losing them in the sound of my thoughts. ‘I just want to let go Heebum. I want to stop the world. I want to sleep, I want to sleep forever. I can’t even hold myself together Bummie, maybe I should have just listened to the others, and maybe I should just disappear Bummie’.

Kyuhyun

                My hands shook as I gripped the edge of the sink tightly, knuckles turning a sickening white. Pain seared through my arm, the old injury from crashing my motorbike was still fresh as if I’d just been released. It reminded me of the night I left him on the balcony, how he’d pried my bandaged hand from the railings to massaging the aching muscles softly, worried about me damaging it further. I couldn’t understand, even after the two years that had passed how we’d gotten to this stage. It wasn’t meant to be like this. I wasn’t meant to let anger guide me, I wasn’t meant to be the one on the other side of the door listening to him cry. I’d promised myself I was done loving him from the shadows the morning I’d woken up to him in my bed and he’d asked me to give him a chance. I promised myself to love the man holding me tightly as he poured everything into that first kiss. I never thought I’d be back in front of the mirror once again wishing I was holding him close instead of being shut out. The only difference this time was that it was me shutting him out. I was the one who ignored him, refused to acknowledge him. I was pushing him away, blaming him for everything that had happened between us when I could have easily forgiven him. I could have picked up the phone and dialled the all too familiar number instead of being the coward I was….

          I curled up in his bed. Something I’d grown use to doing in the last four months. His scent was starting to fade from the covers as each day passed by, making panic swell in my chest. If I already had to replay old videos on YouTube just to remember what his laugh sounded like, his real laugh not the fake one he’d used during the last year before he left, how long would it take me to forget the sweet and addictive smell that was Kim Heechul? I never wanted to forget it. I didn’t want to forget anything about him. I wanted to sear every part of him into my mind for eternity but it was too late. He’d slipped through my fingers in order to save me and I wasn’t brave enough to stop him. I was what Hangeng had always spat at me; I was nothing but a little kid that was scared of the truth. Except the truth he’d been talking about wasn’t the truth. The truth was Heechul loved me but I was too blind, too young to trust his words and believed what came out of the mouth of a man determined to destroy me. I’d let his words invade my mind and cloud my heart until all I saw was doubt, until the only thing that gripped me was constant fear of losing the man I loved. So I did the only thing I could. I left him before he could leave me, thinking that once I fixed my mind, once I picked up the pieces of myself I’d lost that he’d be there with open arms. I didn’t see the way he dragged his feet and hung his head with shoulder slumped, I’d missed the signs and now he had left. It had been four months and I could still feel the press of his lips on my forehead before he walked out the door.

        Heebum meowed sadly, gazing at me with big jade eyes, the slant to them reminding me of Heechul’s own cat like eyes that were as warm as hot chocolate during the winter. A small smile wavered on my thin lips, hand weakly patting the bed as Heebum jumped up beside me. He nudged my hand softly, rough tongue at my hand to get some sort of response. I buried my head into Heechul’s pillow, hand limply moving to scratch behind Heebum’s ears as he settled at my side, purring contently. ‘Y-You’re just like him Heebum. H-He loved when I brushed his hair behind his ear or simply ran a finger over the soft skin behind his ear, it relaxed him. H-He’d get all s-sleepy and look at me with those w-warm eyes full of…full of l-love and just stare at me until he couldn’t keep those gorgeous e-eyes open any more. I miss it. I miss him’ I sobbed softly into the soft fabric of his pillow, wetting it with my tears for the second time today. It had been a while since I’d left the dorms since we’d been given a break. Leeteuk had tried, so had Ara but I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to leave the one place that still had his essence. Not even when Heejin-noona called to say she was going to visit him had I been able to get up the strength to pull myself out of the warmth of the dorms. The closest I’d been to leaving the dorms in weeks was taking the elevator to switch floors.

            I took a deep breath, pressing the hand that wasn’t occupied with Heebum to my checks to stop the tears flowing. I rolled away from Heebum as he snored softly between purrs, stretching his tiny paws in his sleep, much like how Heechul would curl his fingers against my chest when he was deep asleep. My hands shook as I gripped my phone, pulling myself into a sitting position as I shakily entered the all too familiar number. My eyes burned with tears as the sound of it ringing sounded in my ears, my chest clenching with fear. Would he want to hear from me? Would he even remember me and what we had? Had he cast me from his mind forever? ‘Yeoboseyo, Kim Heechul speaking’ his voice was tired but it was him. It wasn’t some forgotten recording of a show, it was him. His soft voice weak. I opened my mouth, wanting to speak, for anything to come out as I sat frozen, clutching my chest. The pain was blinding, crushing as he breathed softly, shakily on the other end. ‘H-hello?’ he asked again, the gulp audible in his voice. He sounded scared, broken. And it was my fault. I let out a small sob, biting down on my lip harshly to stop the rest of them escaping. Heechul took in a shaky breath at the sound, voice soft, ‘Hyunnie? Baby Kyu, is that you? P-please don’t c-cry Kyu. I m-miss you Hyunnie’. The sobs feel from my lips at his soft words, shaky breaths leaving my lips as the world started to spin dangerously around me. My chest became tighter as I struggled to get in air through the gasp and sobs. ‘Kyu? Hyunnie, talk to me baby, p-please’ Heechul begged, his own voice teary. I felt my whole body shake as I let go of the phone. ‘Kyuhyun? Where’s Kyuhyun?’ Leeteuk’s worried voice filled the door. I gasped, dizziness swarming and muddling my mind as I let out a louder sob. I felt like I was having the night terrors all over again, Heechul’s voice calling me from the other end of the phone. ‘Kyuhyun! Oh god, my little maknae. It’s okay Kyu, its okay. I know it hurts, but breath. Ummas got you’ Leeteuk cooed in my ears, hands massaging my chest as the world faded around me, the only thing that was clear was Heechul’s sobs from the other end of my forgotten phone. I’d hurt him again….

         I hadn’t attempted to call him after that. It was painful to know I was constantly causing him pain, even when I wasn’t near him. That I was that horrible of a person to crush him from a distance without a word. Now he was here, he was real. He was in front of me with dark sad eyes that begged for me to come back, to hold him but I couldn’t. The thought of inflicting more pain on the most precious thing in my life killed me a little more inside. I couldn’t do anything without hurting him more. I didn’t blame him for the anger or hate I saw in his eyes as he snapped at me outside the elevator. He was right. It wasn’t until I saw actual bruises on him that I spoke up. That the familiar nickname fell from my lips and I could see the way he relaxed slightly, the glimmer of hope before the anger took over. The tips of my fingers still tingled from where they’d brushed over his skin. It was as soft as always, like silk under my fingers and I wanted to keep him there. I wanted to draw pictures and the words I couldn’t tell him into his skin until he understood me. Until he could see the pain and longing in my eyes. I wanted his warm body against him, his head on my shoulder. I didn’t care if he wanted to scream and hit me as long as I was holding him; if I was holding him everything would feel okay. Everything would get better and the pain would stop.

         I dried my face, erasing all signs of worry and hurt as I put on my smirk. Even to me, my eyes looked dull and dead. Ringed with dark bruise like circles that everyone brushed off as a result of gaming instead of a result from countless nights wondering if he was okay. Laughter spilled out from the kitchen. I could feel my smirk wavering as the warmth split out from the room. I could hear Kangin talking, voice proud as he told them how proud he was. Ryeowook soft voice reminding everyone to laugh, Donghae’s laughter as Eunhyuk grunted in agreement. I could hear Heechul’s tired voice accusing of Kangin of becoming soft over the years. Even though his voice was tired I could hear the genuine happiness that underlined it softly. He was happy, they were happy. Without me. ‘Kyu! Hurry before all the food is gone!’ Sungmin called as everyone smiles turned to me. Heechul gazed at me softly for a second before turning to play with his food. I shook my head as my stomach churned painfully at the thought of food. After all the time off and shows where people constantly shoved food down my throat the thought of food made me ill these days. It was hard to remember the last full meal I’d eaten. I’d been avoiding calling over to see Minho just from the knowledge that Key would strangle me into a seat and force food down my throat because Minho had probably complained about his extra weight gain from me feeding him my food. ‘I’m not hungry’ I sighed, glancing at the floor, hand on my aching stomach. ‘Kyu, when was the last time you ate? You skipped breakfast and went out straight away’ Sungmin demanded. ‘Yeah Kyu, I miss eating with my little maknae’ Donghae whined from Eunhyuk’s lap. I shrugged, ‘I ate on schedule with Manager’. Sungmin scoffed, narrowing his eyes at me, ‘You did, manager already told me you didn’t eat’. I clenched my fist, ‘Why does it matter if I ate? Maybe I’m just not hungry Sungmin’. Sungmin stood, anger mixing with worry in his eyes as Kangin put a hand on his shoulder, motioning for him to sit down. ‘Kyu, think of Leeteuk’ Kangin said softly, making me freeze and my chest ache. I could feel my jaw tremble as thoughts of my Umma like Hyung flooded my mind, eyes once again starting to burn with tears. ‘Kangin, that’s going too far. Stop it’ Heechul’s voice was sharp as he stood, leaving to stand at my side, avoiding my eyes. He touched my arm softly, sending volts of electricity through my veins, ‘Go down stairs and sleep. I’ll bring down something small for you to snack on. Even if it’s hard, you need to eat Kyuhyun. Even if it’s something small or you’ll end up collapsing’. I nodded softly, holding back the smile as he brushed my fringe from my face before squeezing my arm softly and sending me away in a daze. Maybe there was hope after all

A/N Hey guys <3 Thank you for all the love for the first chapter, sorry this took so long but my updates aren't going to be as fast as I hoped and I felt the need to explain to you why. I've been playing piano for 10 or more years and before my grade 6 at the end of May/start of June I started getting really bad pains in my shoulder. As the weeks went by the pain would come and go and get so painful that I couldn't do anything, if I even used my hand, my whole arm would go dead and become useless so I haven't been able to write. But I've gone to the doctor, gotten painkillers and physiotherapy work outs so I should be on the mend but it could take a long time since it's the muscles in my neck and shoulder that are damamged from the position I sit in when playing piano so I thought I'd tell you and hopefully you'll bare with me <3 Thanks again for the love, I'm not sure about this story so your comments mean a lot to me :) Saranghae~ Emmy