He hadn’t meant to.

No, Kim Jongin had never meant to evesdrop on a heated argument between three boys from class 3-4 and Kyungsoo. It was a coincidence, a very unfortunate one.  He only had the thought of Kyungsoo’s bright smiley face in his mind when he had decided to approach Kyungsoo’s class that day after the last bell had rang to ask the older boy if they could walk home together, hands clammy from feeling a little too nervous.

The corridors had been empty and quite, only a few students here and there, but the rest of them had probably gotten out of the school building and head for home. Jongin felt a little nervous the closer he got to Kyungsoo’s classroom. Will he be there? What if he isn’t? What would he say if Kyungsoo’s still there? Let me walk you home? Do you want to eat somewhere? Do you mind if we could—

“Shut up.”

Jongin had stopped in his tracks. Shut up? Was that Kyungsoo’s voice just then?

He had never expected to hear shouted profanities coming from Kyungsoo’s classroom when he was just a few feets away.

And that was how he got into this situation now, body pressed against the wall next to the entrance of the classroom as he listens to the argument inside.

“Shut up. All of you. You don’t even know him so just— just shut the up. Don’t just go coming to me saying about someone you barely know. Do you think it’s alright to treat him differently and act as if he doesn’t exist just because he’s weird?—no, he’s not weird – ,”

Jongin’s heart clenches tight in his chest and he waits in bated breaths for something to happen. He slumps against the wall, shoulders suddenly feeling too heavy and Jongin has to remind himself to breath in, breath out.

After a few minutes listening and not quite listening at the same time, the three boys that were in the room scampers out of the class, bumping to a startled Jongin and manages to send him a disgusted glare before they were out of sight. The corridors are quiet again once more, and Jongin hesitates, but lets himself into the classroom quietly. He scans the class briefly and Kyungsoo’s sitting there, bathed in the golden light of the afternoon sun and blanketed in sadness, head tipping forward as his face is buried in his hands.

Even with the hunch of his back, the sag on his small shoulders and the paleness of his skin, even then, Kyungsoo still looks beautiful to Jongin’s eyes.

He seems very upset, the younger concludes- but why? Is Jongin the reason why?

He decides to knock softly on the wooden door three times, but Kyungsoo doesn’t look up and the only reply he gets is silence. So he opens his mouth and hopes his own voice isn’t too shaky, the words coming out being Kyungsoo’s name.

Finally the older boy looks up, eyes a little wide and Jongin forces out a smile and hopes that would be a good move. Kyungsoo smiles back from his seat, beckoning for Jongin to come in with a small wave of his hand. Jongin shuffles awkwardly inside, turning the chair in front of Kyungsoo to face the elder’s desk and sits across him.

“You heard didn’t you?” Kyungsoo asks quietly, eyes unreadable as they linger on Jongin’s face. Jongin averts his gaze to the view outside the window, biting the insides of his cheeks and not knowing what to answer. If he says yes, would Kyungsoo get mad?

“It’s okay, Jongin-ah, you can be honest with me—“

“—It’s true,” Jongin finds himself say, shifting his eyes back to the older boy who’s eyebrows has arch a little. Jongin tries to swallow the big lump that forms in his throat, clenching his fists under the table. Don’t back down, Jongin. Don’t back down now.

“What they had said, is all true. I was wrong— and I still am. God…”

Jongin closes his eyes, took deep breaths and exhaled slowly through his nose, trying not to let unwanted nightmares haunt him back. When he opens his eyes, Kyungsoo is waiting patiently for him, gaze sympathetic and soft and from under the table; he reaches out one hand to hold Jongin’s trembling fists. A small encouraging smile sits on his lips and Jongin feels himself entranced.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay, you don’t have to—“

“No.” Jongin cuts sternly, making Kyungsoo flinch. “I- I failed a very highly esteemed dance audition that was held back in my first year. It was a dream—it had always been my dream to dance on stage with millions of eyes on me. When it was my turn to perform, my leg- my stupid leg, felt like it was cracking on the insides, so I fell just like that. I think I have some sort of leg injuries from then until now. I could never finish my audition song.

“My father was so disappointed in me, everyone was. I thought I could prove them I could make him proud, but my failure only led to him comparing me with my much successful older brother.”

Jongin shivers involuntarily as he remembered his father’s words.

“How very disappointing, Jongin. I thought you could be just like Jangho. Look at your older brother, he managed to score top marks on his exams and graduate with a pleasant degree. When he was as old as you, he received an early scholarship from higher studies. What have you achieved, Jongin? You failed on a stupid dancing audition, that’s what you achieved.”

“I was so angry and frustrated to the point that I didn’t return back home for a week,” Jongin continues. He swears there would be steams coming out of his ears by now and his face had probably gone so red.

“I started dating lots of girls and guys to distract me from everything. Eventually, I grew tired of just dating and I decided to…um…”

Kyungsoo looks at him innocently and Jongin averts his eyes back outside the window, cheeks going a little red from embarrassment.

“I decided to…well… have . Like, lots and lots of .”

Kyungsoo’s stiffens from the corner of his eyes and he lets go of his hand that was on Jongin’s. “Oh.”

Jongin takes a tentative glance and Kyungsoo looks down to his lap, face flushing red also in embarrassment. Jongin bites his lips.

“I got someone pregnant back then,” he states blatantly.

Kyungsoo snaps his head up immediately with an incredulous stare. “You what??!”

Jongin laughs nervously and backs away. “I- It was a mistake. The girl did an abortion, thankfully, but my family almost kicked me out from home.”

“Thankfully?!” Kyungsoo yells incredulously, not believing what he’s hearing. “You killed a baby!” He wailes, pointing an accusing finger at Jongin.

Jongin sighs and moves Kyungsoo’s still pointing hand gently away from his face.

“I understand if this changes your view on me, Kyungsoo. But I’m trying to change. I’m trying. It’s okay if you decide to leave me after this, I don’t blame you.”

Kyungsoo pauses, and then leans back on his chair.

“A past is a past. What you have done back then is just downright wrong and something you should be completely ashamed of.”

Jongin sighs. “I know, I know, I just—“

“—But,” Kyungsoo raises a hand as a sign he hasn’t finished talking. “But, it’s also a mistake you should learn well from. What’s important now is the present. Sometimes, even the most perfect person have their own imperfections, but that’s just what makes them them,” Kyungsoo smiles a blinding smile and Jongin finds he couldn’t tear his gaze away.

“What matters is the Jongin now. Will you be able to learn from your past?”

And then Kyungsoo gets up from his seat, smoothing out the wrinkles on his blazer and neatening his tie. Jongin is about to say something but Kyungsoo beats him to it.

“I’ll leave you to your own thoughts now.”

Jongin panics. Does that mean Kyungsoo would really leave him from now on? But the older boy seems to read his too obvious expression and he chuckles lightly.

“Let’s eat lunch at the rooftop tomorrow again, yeah?” He sends him a gummy smile Jongin finds endearing and before he can answer, Kyungsoo is out of the class.

Jongin leans back on his chair, staring straight ahead to the city borders and thinks of dancing, fate, citrus scented cologne, orange sunsets and Kyungsoo.

 A small smile graces his lips.

--*--

Friday morning seems a bit mundane. Kyungsoo opens his navy locker and finds pink letters scattered on top of the pile of his belongings as per usual. He s his bag to place the letters safely inside, gathering them- there are around seven or eight of them this morning- and pulls out his thick maths book to place them between the pages.

Something slips off from his fingers and flutters down to the floor. Kyungsoo gazes at it oddly.

It’s a grey letter, different to the usual pinks and baby blues and cream coloured letters he gets every day.

How peculiar. Kyungsoo wonders if it’s also a love letter from a girl. Curious, He bends down and picks it up, opening the flap of the envelope and pulls out a yellowing note, folded four times neatly and looked as though it has been ripped out hastily from a book.

Unfolding the note, Kyungsoo reads out the messily hand written Hangeul on the paper.

There’s a small ramen shop next to the 24/7 minimarket down the street that I had always wanted to try. If you want to come and accompany me there, I will be waiting at the school’s back gate, but it’s up to you. You don’t have to come.

- J

There isn’t the name of the sender at the bottom of the message, only an initial. Kyungsoo smiles to himself and slips the letter into his blazer pockets, already knowing who the sender is.