Don't Go (Part 1)

Hae Jin (22)

“Ya, Byun Baek Hyun until when are you going to stay single?” I says. Byun Baek Hyun, my best friend of 18 years, is a total stupid. He is absolutely the real life situation example of story classics. S University scholarship receiver, agreed to receive not because of his poor parents but simply for another trophy collection. Not to mention, good looking face and musical talents, he is totally the jackpot of all girls existed in this world. Uh, I feel like I need to kill a person like him. He is not interested in any girls, he just rejected another girl. A pretty and smart one too.

“Do you hear me? Uh, I need to kill you!”

“What? I just didn’t like her, should I accept anyone in the street? Fine, I’ll do that if you want. Hhm, I’ll just take you,” answers him. I stare at him unbelievably. I mean, how can a person like that exists?

“Me? Nope, I’m taken~!” I smiles at him.

“What?”

“Finally, you are totally paying attention to our conversation and leaves that book in which filled with misery and darkness,” I laughed. He must be surprised because I never told anyone about this mysterious man. Well, I hope it is a man and handsome.

“Just cut the crap and tell me who it is.”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes, Palli~”

“Hhm, these years, every day there is someone who leaves a message in front of my apartment door. Sometimes he even leaves a bouquet of flowers for me. Isn’t it sweet? I never knew who it was but I replied to his notes one time by leaving another note on my apartment. ‘Namja? Yeoja?’ and do you know what does he said? ‘What do you think?’ Ahhh, how cool!”

He was staring at me like I am some sort of physco that leaves the hospital.

“I am being so excited and give me that look?” I pouted at him.

“Ya, babo. Why are you so sure that he is a man with an answer like that? Do you know that being homoual is a big hit these days? Do you know? Hello~ Do you live on Earth or Planet Mars?”

“You’re too much,” and I leaves him like that. Even though, we are friends for 18 years, I still can’t understand Baek Hyun that much. He understands me so well but why can I understand him? It makes me feel sad. When I am doing something with him, I never know whether I have did it right or not, have I considers him in my decision, thoughts like that.

I feel mistaken.

Even now, am I the one that did too much?

Baek Hyun (22)

I have one best friend. We have been friends for 18 years long.

Yup, she is the nagging type.

Usually, I really hate people like her but maybe because she is with me almost all time in my life; I have gotten use to her habits and nagging. We live around in the same district, our home is just about 50 meter walk. Hae Jin lives in a small apartment, while I still live with my parents. It living with your parents at this age but I got no choice. My mom is a ‘pro version’ of nagging type. She talks so long I can’t even fell asleep to her talking. Hae Jin is also a big scaredy cat, which is why living with my parents is a no choice. She doesn’t like ghost stories, she cried when someone is trying to pick her up in the street, she got scared of blood that came from her own body, and she got scared of being too lonely or too crowded with people. Believe me, you don’t want to know all her scared-of list.

Beep…

From: Babo

Have you eat? Do you want to eat together? I have nothing in my house. ><

“Eomma, Hae Jin is running out of food.”

“Ne~Just asks her to come here.”

As always…

Hae Jin (22)

“Jalmeokesseumnida~!”

Baek Hyun’s family has become my family too. So do my family. Sadly, my parents were too busy working in Japan that they never been able to cook me delicious dishes like this. We always eat out, but don’t get me wrong, they both loves me very well but they never been able to do such small things like this.

“Eat slowly, did you starve yourself for two days?” scolds Baek Hyun. He always tells me that because I eat so fast that no one can beat me. Plus, my stomach keeps on being upset so it worries him more. Maybe, that is why I need him, because he is the only one that can keep me on track with life; someone that can tell me right and wrongs when my parents can’t.

“Araseo~” I answers and carved a big smile on my faces. “Do you want to catch on Chen at the club today?” asks Baek Hyun. My eyes widened as big as an owl. I am very sensitive to places like that, why did he take me today?

“No worries, I will not even take a sip and take care of you. Please just come with me today? Eo?”

“…” I still stares him blankly. He seemed to be very pushy today and he never tells me to accompany him to places like that.

“Aigoo… why do you take her to places like that? Look at her face, it is about to cry,” suddenly Baek Hyun’s mom jumps in our conversation.

“No, Omoni, I’m okay. Let’s go but we are not going back home too late.”

“Define ‘too late’, princess.”

“Urgh, it is ten already. Okay, better be moving fast…”

Chen (22)

“Baek Hyun-a, accompany me drink, eo? Please… I promised you not to bring Jae In with me. Just for today?” I asks. Baek Hyun is really hard when it comes to going to club because he has Hae Jin that needs his protection 24/7. He does not really like places like that too but today I am pushing him to come with me, in hope of bringing Hae Jin.

To me, the way I meet Hae Jin is really a fate. The day I moved to my new apartment, I was enjoying the evening sky from my balcony when suddenly there is a bunch of water entertaining my face. That time I looked up, I saw a girl in a cute pink dresses covering , looking like she was about to cry. She keeps on saying, “Jwesonghamnida, jwesonghamnida, jwesonghamnida” while bowing 90 degrees. That girl is Hae Jin.

“I’ll asks Hae Jin first, if she’s coming then I’ll rush there. Just bring Jae In with you,” Baek Hyun answers.

“Is there something wrong with you? You want Jae In there?”

“Shut up.”

Tut-tut-tut

Hae Jin (22)

“Ya, don’t be too worried. Don’t you trust me?” asks Baek Hyun. I keep on biting my nails on our way to meet Chen. I was nervous. This is a training that I had been doing for long time, and it never works. I still fears them.

“Huh? Eo. Don’t be too worried, I will try again this time,” I answers.

“We’re here.”

“Mwo? No, no, no. I am not coming inside, I will wait here.”
“Trust me, you said you will try,” he whispers. I always believe in Baek Hyun even in the smallest stuff. He gives me the courage to face the world, he gives me protection. He gives me the comfortable feeling that I am dying to feel every time I went out of my house with a bag full of fears.

Baek Hyun (22)

“Yo, chen!”

“Hae Jin-ssi, annyeonghaseyo,” greets Chen. It is very funny to see such a fool around guy like Chen behaving properly in front of Hae Jin. He likes her very much but he never had the courage to really show it to Hae Jin.

“Ne, annyeonghaseyo,” answers Hae Jin shyly. Hae Jin never feels comfortable in a place where there is too much people aroung, especially drunk people but she really needs to overcome it one day, which is why I am bringing her today.

“Oppa!” shouts Jae In. Here comes the trouble maker. Jae In is my two-year dongsaeng. She went to the same university as Chen, Hae Jin, and I. Jae In is smarter than any girl her age, that is why she went to university faster and able to be in one major as me. She has liked me since the first time we met, but I don’t really like her. Maybe I am too evil but really nagging girls are really annoying.

When I am about to walk and sit, I just realizes that Hae Jin has grab the tip of my coat. I look back to her. Her eyes are speaking to me. Hyun, I’m afraid. Don’t go too far from me... That is what she said. The childish look on her face is something that I will really miss starting from now. I looked deep into her, hoping that the words in my heart will also be delivered to her.

Hae Jin-a, mianhae, I have to let go of you now…

Jae In (20)

Assa~ Today is my lucky day. Baek Hyun Oppa never agreed on going to clubs with anyone but today he is willing to go. I think this is my lucky day. This is my chance to make him mine. Truthfully speaking, I think Hae Jin eonnie is really annoying. She is really between me and Oppa. Oppa always looks after her first and never care about anyone else, that makes me jealous but that is exactly I pick Oppa out of all man around me.

“Oppa, do you want to dance?”

“Sure, I think that looks fun,” answers Oppa. I cannot just believe what he just say to me. The smartest guy in Korea has agree to dance with me. I don’t even know he dance.

Baek Hyun Oppa stood from his seat but Hae Jin Eonnie holds up to him. Just in the world is this girl doing. This is what happens, she always ruined my plan.

“Babo-ya, it’s okay. There is Chen here, he will not leave you. I will just have fun for awhile, okay?” whispers Oppa. He pats Eonnie in the head and moves the hand that had been grabbing his coat.

Hae Jin (22)

He leaves me.

In the middle of unfamiliar crowd, he dances with another girl when he asked me to trust him and he will be protecting me. All I need to do is just to follow him. This time he really upset me for the first time in 18 years.

“Hae Jin-ssi, is everything working well with your study?” asks Chen. By the time, I am back to myself; I realize I had finished a glass of vodka. I am so surprised that I throw the glass away. Chen seems to be flustered by the situation.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry. I never drink, this surprises me. What did you asks again? Ah, study? I am doing very well and everyone is treating me very well.” Chen looks at me in disappointment; I think the fact that I am not paying attention to him makes him feels sad. So, I decided to take the moves to change the topic.

“So, how about you?” I ask. Right that time, there is a smile carves in his face. It’s a relief… “Yes, my study went well too. By the way, do you know about the little dog that waits in front of the door to our apartment building?” he answers. Luckily, Chen and I can relate very well so that my nervousness of the club had been changes to a more comfortable feelings. Chen is a very good man, even though he really likes to fool around but there is warmness in every smile and moves he made, just like Baek Hyun. Now I understand why the two can be the most popular guys in our campus, Baek Hyun the Cool Genius and Chen the Warm Flower Boy.

We are talking so comfortably that I forgot it had passed twelve o’clock. I excuse myself from Chen and find Baek Hyun. “I’m sorry, I think I need to go home with Baek Hyun. Do you want to go with me and find him?” I asks. Chen nods and follows me.

“Byun Baek Hyun, just what are you doing right now!” I can’t believe what I see. Baek Hyun is filling his stomach with almost half a bottle of vodka. He is half drunk. This is too much for me to take, he really broke his promise.

I slap him in the face and run away. All of the sudden, the comfortable feeling disappeared and I started to lose myself. My chest feels heavy, it feels like my heart is about to stop. I run outside the club and lock myself in the middle of crowded Itaewon. My head feels heavy; I cannot differentiate the effects of alcohol inside me and the fearful feeling inside my body. I fall.

By the time, Baek Hyun is looking at me. He is sober now.

“Hae Jin-a, you still couldn’t endure it? Until when are you going to be living in fears like this? It was not only one fear I’m talking about.” This is the first time. Baek Hyun is giving me a very cold stare until it really feels like I freezes.

I could not believe what he just said to me. I try to stand up from the ground but my head does not allow me to stand. .

“Chen-ssi, can you take me home? I think the vodka is taking the effect now.”

“Ne? Ah, yes… but Baek Hyu-“

“Hold me well please, I feel dizzy.”

“Y-yes.”

Chen (22)

“Chen-ssi, can I be talking to you comfortably?” she asks. Her voice is filled with worried and sadness. The situation that just happened might be really hard on her. As far as I know, Hae Jin and Baek Hyun never had a serious argument like that.

“Yes, please be comfortable with me. You can asks me to do anything.”

“Haha, really? Do you know you really are funny?” she says. I scratch my hair in embarrassment. “Are you okay now, Hae Jin-ssi?”

“Please be comfortable with me too. I think we can be a really good friend.”

“Okay,” I answers. Without realizing, we are actually walking into a park that is filled with beautiful street lamps. Hae Jin decides to take a rest and sit in one of the bench. I follow her.

“Do you know that this is the first time that Baek Hyun has been really harsh on me? He never even forced me to go to club because he knows that I don’t like places like that.” I look straight to her eyes. I want to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay, also this is only a night that will eventually pass so she can just forget what happened earlier, but I can’t. I am a coward. I cannot take her away from Baek Hyun because I cannot be like Baek Hyun that protects her very well.

“Y-you can just forget it, maybe it is just the alcohol that he rarely drink.”

“Really? I hope so,” she looks down.

“Do you know what did I do when I feel really sad? I cannot really express my words very well so I tend to write it down. Here, I brought sticky notes and pen.” She smiles at me and take the sticky notes and pen in my hand. Then, she tears one for me.

“You first. Let’s write how we felt today in this piece of paper and throw it away,” she offers. I agree to her, so I write it first:

Today, I am flustered that Hae Jin could actually drink vodka but it turns out that she doesn’t even realized that she was drinking vodka not water. Something happened today, I hope Hae Jin will not be too sad about it.

Hae Jin (22)

I stare at Chen’s handwriting. Why did it feel very much familiar when it is the first time I see his handwriting? Forget it, maybe it was just a classic de javu. So, I write my feelings down:

08.04.13 The first time Baek Hyun and I fight. Even as a kid, we never fight. It is fun to find out that we could actually fight with each other. I also went to a club and drink vodka. But whatever, thanks to Chen I can go home safely!

After that, we walks back to our apartment. Chen sends me off after he drops me to the door of my apartment. I enter my apartment with a heavy feeling, thinking of what just happened in the club. I walk to my study desk and stares at my favorite message that Mr. Anonymous had sent me all these years. “It will be a good day for you. Remember one thing, even if the world falls apart, Hae Jin-ssi will not fall apart. Have a good day.”

“This looks like Chen’s handwriting,” I smiles.

“It is Chen’s handwriting!”

Ding Dong~

I opened the door of my apartment. I found Chen standing while looking down. He looks very much nervous. Is he trying to confess his identity now?

“Hae Jin-a, would you like to for a date with me tomorrow?!” he shouts. I am flustered at his sudden action. He looks at me with full sincerity. He bites his lips while closing one eye. I laughed at him.

He starts to walk away.

“Ya, where are you going? I haven’t answered your question. Yes, I would love to. I think I want to go to amusement park very much.” I smiles.

He jumps out of excitement and run back to his apartment.

How cute…

Baek Hyun (22)

I walk to Hae Jin’s apartment to make sure that she is doing fine after she drank a glass of vodka. Hae Jin never actually drink alcohol but she likes tasting them. That is a weird hobby that she keeps, she does not even like it but she is full of curiosity that is why.

I hesitantly press on the door bell, I hope she will open them for me. “What are you doing here? Are you trying to push me out of a cliff today?” she asks coldly through the intercom. I am not blaming her for that. I take a deep breath, “please open the door for me first.”

“What?” she asks. “I bring you warm soup that Eomma made for me this morning,” I answer.

“I’m okay, so you just leave.”

“You know how funny you are? Do you really think that I really come to apologizes? I came here to tell you that I am dating Jae In now, so stop looking for me at all time because I need to take care of her.”

I left her. I have to because if I stay further, I will never be able to leave anymore. I need to leave her and let her see the world without me helping her. Mian, Hae Jin…

Chen (22)

“Hae Jin-a, what happened to you? Are you okay?” I am about to pick up Hae Jin in her apartment when for the second time I saw her on the floor. Her apartment door is not close and she is running out of breath. She keeps on punching her chest and cry.

I hold her hands and hug her. She cries on my shoulder until it is soaked with her tears. I close my eyes as I hug her, it hurts so bad. The worst feeling is that I am not sure of what should I do. So, I just stay quiet.

Two hours had passed and she finally been able to stop her tears. I help her to stand up and sit in the couch. I go to her kitchen and find water for her. By the time I hand the water to her, she finally says something.

“Baek Hyun, he asks me to stop looking for him because he has a girlfriend now,” she stutters. “I don’t know what should I do, but it hurts me so bad that he thinks that I am such a burden to him.” I hate seeing her like this. I swear to God that Baek Hyun will die in my hand after this. However, I need to get Hae Jin’s smile back first, at least for now.

“I know this is not the right time, will you trust me and follow me today? I will cheer you up.” I look at her in hesitation as she might totally kicks me out or she will actually count in.

“Okay, I have promise you, so we still need to go.”

Hae Jin (22)

I am so lucky to have Chen come for me that day. Without him, I probably have gone crazy with myself. Thank to the revised date plan that he made, I can at least smile a little bit. He takes me to see the ocean. We try to catch fishes and clams together, it was very fun. While fishing, I can really tell him everything that is why my heart feels lighter.

Although, it is another day to fill and I need to go to the campus and there is no way I will not be seeing Baek Hyun. I lazily open my refrigerator to grab my breakfast before heading to campus. I am so drawn in wild imagination of all things that can happen today, either I faint or I really die out of panic attack.

Ding, dong~ “Oh my God!” I shouts. “Hae Jin-a, what happened?” Chen answers in panic. The door bell just ring and it awakes me from my wild imagination. I open the door for Chen.

“I’m sorry, I was daydreaming just now that is why I shout,” I laugh.

“Are you ready for school?”

“Ne? Are you picking me up?”

“Yes, what else?” he smiles. I just realize how warm his smile is, why did I not notices him before? He is living right below me.

“Okay, let’s go!”

***

I walk inside the university. It feels unfamiliar, like it is the first time I went to the school. I look around hoping that I will not meet Baek Hyun or Jae In at all. I think I might grab both of their hair and drag it inside a trash can. Well, at least that is what I hope.

Too bad, plan never works. I meet them, not just one of them but both of them. Chen takes a step forward of me. “Baek Hyun-a, let’s have a talk,” he says. I stare at Chen and he is giving me a calm look so I will just trust him.

Chen (22)

“Did you just know Hae Jin yesterday? Did you know how did I find her after what you did in her apartment? Did you even imagine if I am not there?” Just like Hae Jin’s first time, this is the first time I ever talk to Baek Hyun in such a high voice.

“Don’t be such a drama queen,” he answers while turning his face away from me. I punch him in the face. I cannot take it anymore. How can he be so ruthless? This is not the Baek Hyun I know. “Truthfully, what happened to you? This is not you. I beg you please, just stop this.” Baek Hyun just stares at me in emptiness, something is definitely blocking his voice, he got something to say.

“Ya! Answer me!”

“Okay, you want answer? You want answer?!” he shouts. “I am having a cancer operation next week and the chance of survival is only 20 percent. Satisfied?” Baek Hyun looks at me miserably. This time his eyes are talking to me, please just save me. Tears are rolling down his face and I can only punch the wall.

“Why don’t you tell Hae Jin?” I asks carefully.

“Are you crazy? She already got too many fears, I don’t want her to develop fears of hospital or diseases, besides she is a monophobic. It will depress her to death.”

“You crazy bas****” I punch him one more time. He does not flinch at me at all making me feel very sorry for blaming all the pain he brings to Hae Jin when the truth is he is trying his best to save her.

“Ya! Now that you know can I ask you for a favor,” he asks. “Wow, wow, wait. You still need to explain me about what happened between you and Jae In. You love her?” I ask him. He just smile at me, “No, she knows all the way about the cancer the day I got drunk in the club. I told her the plan and beg her to help me become the excuse of me going to the hospital,” he answers softly. He is trembling like a little child leaving me no choice but agreeing to his favor.

*) Monophobia is a fear of being left alone