Winter, 2013

The glacial wind blew endlessly throughout the rimed air. Branches of trees swayed to follow the rhythm; their leaves struggled to hold on, not wanting to fall off. Frozen snow that had melted dropped down from the tip of leafages, taking over new places as they landed onto the ground. The sun shone brightly, but the heat was drenched by the pouring snow. Even from his room, Kim Jongin felt almost dying from the cold. Of course he was accompanied by the room heater, but still, the winter had brought him down. It was nearly nine A.M in the morning when he woke up from his sleep, greeted by the weather that, to him, had killed most-likely everything; the used-to-be-fresh grasses, the used-to-be-warm air.

As much as he hated the winter, Jongin stood up and walked slowly toward the window. A sudden warmness poked him, perhaps wanting a permission to eat him up. He didn’t mind, of course. Jongin disliked winter, for which he liked warmth and serenity. He closed his eyes to allow them to lurk inside of him, and in an instant, he felt serene. He had wanted to feel this way ever since forever.

After seconds, Jongin heaved a relieved sigh as he threw his glance throughout the window. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed that the winter had reached its peak. The temperature had gone under 0 degrees Celsius and snow had ceaselessly fallen to cover the entire road. If he had woken up a bit earlier, he would’ve been able to see the scenes he saw mostly every morning: kids gathering to play snow fights until the middle of the day; elderlies taking walks together in attempt of doing exercise; his mother and the aunties chattering while watching over their children. To Jongin, it was a very pleasant view. Seeing how his mother could finally make her place in the new neighborhood and how Soojung was not discriminated by the kids around – those changes they experienced upon moving into a new house was, as Jongin would refer to: a gift.

It had been a tough length of years when the three of them still lived in a district that Jongin always referred as ‘elegant’ and ‘classy’. The neighbors weren’t as friendly as the ones in their new place. They never accepted Jongin’s mother in the society for the fact that she owned no rights of the house they were living in. Indeed, though, the house was owned by Soojung’s parents – Jongin’s uncle. Both of Soojung’s parents were out of the country to follow up with their jobs, thus Soojung was temporarily under Jongin’s care.

Being the only man in the family – the supporting bone of the already fragmented kindred – it was such a burden to Jongin for he should be the one working to earn for living. His father had passed away when Jongin was merely eight years old, and ever since then, by the help of his mother, Jongin was taught to live independently. He had been having many part-time jobs during his high school days, although at that moment his mother still worked for a business company in behalf of her late husband. Jongin and his mother weren’t exactly poor – they still earned enough money to pay for apartment fees and to eat three times a day. However, compared to Soojung’s family, the opulence of Jongin was merely one-third of hers.

Uncle Jung happened to be the older brother of Jongin's father, and although his father had passed away, the relationship of theirs didn’t fade. Jongin and Soojung were in the same age thus they spent a lot of time together as kids. To Jongin, Soojung was a little sister; a woman he found precious after his mother. Although she was different – certainly due to the autistic disorder that she suffered from – Soojung was, still, a woman that Jongin loved.

Soojung’s parents would send money from their incomes in attempt of supporting Jongin and his mother, as well as paying for Soojung’s needs. They’d come back to Seoul to stay in the house when they had time – but it was never more than one or two days. Soojung, though, did not mind with the absence of her parents. Since the old times, she was used to staying over in Jongin’s house whenever her parents got jobs to do, hence living without them for years wouldn’t agitate her by any matter. Besides, it was merely Jongin that she needed. She spent most-likely every second with her one and only cousin, creating a bond that was separable by nothing. It was difficult for her to express herself, but with Jongin, she could. She was comfortable with Jongin even more than she was with her parents, and Jongin, in the other side, loved Soojung with his entire heart. He saw the girl as a treasure that he should keep and prevent from fading, because although Soojung suffered from an autistic disorder that differentiated her from the others, she was – still - a living soul. And a living soul, to Jongin, deserved to live in tranquility.

Back in the old neighborhood, the kids were too much of a burden to Soojung. They’d mock her for she always did something weird – although to ones familiar with her, it was just one of her distinctive traits. Soojung had the tendency to repeat words until she’s certain that her messages were delivered clearly. She’d scream in rage whenever she felt uncomfortable, whenever she felt insecure. She’d close her ears with the support of her arms when her fantasies eat her up – and she’d let out strange noises that turned out to be mumbles, although what she meant to do was, really, expressing herself. When Soojung was in her teenage years, it was difficult for her to control her emotions. She’d pull people’s hair to express her anger; she’d throw things while screaming hysterically. It turned out better when she reached the age of twenties, when the therapies had helped her in controlling her emotions. She found it easier to reach serenity despite the uncomfortable and unfamiliar situations that she experienced, although once in a while, she’d still lose the grip.

The fact that Soojung was discriminated by the neighbors in a way that it hurt her both mentally and physically caused Jongin to worked eminently hard to earn more money. He promised Soojung that when he earned enough, he would rent a new house somewhere in other district, thus this was where they ended up to. Soojung’s house was not sold nor rented; they left it as it was. Uncle Jung had thrown his disappointments toward Jongin for the younger guy didn’t even ask for his permission, but in the end, he thanked him for being considerate. The new house wasn’t exactly exquisite and elegant, but the surrounding was much better than the previous. The kids were told about Soojung’s disorder beforehand, and they were capable enough to keep their eyes from staring or their mouths from mocking. They’d even ask Soojung to play together, and most of the time, Soojung would agree. His mother had also found her place in the neighborhood – she made friends with the other mothers and even got invited into their monthly gathering events.

“You woke up pretty late today,” from the entrance of his room, a voice called, pulling Jongin back from his thoughts.

“I was eating alone downstairs. How lonely,” she continued.

Jongin walked toward her and threw a smile before he bent down to give a peck on her cheek. The woman was taken aback for a second – when was the last time she received a kiss from her son? – it took her only a split of seconds until she smiled in response.

“I’m sorry, Mother. It was such an unpleasant sleep, really,” Jongin replied as he allowed his mother to step inside his room.

“Is Soojung awake?” he asked. He knew she was awake – Soojung could never sleep for more than six hours. It was nine in the morning thus it should be odd to find Soojung still lurking on her dreams. But then again, his cousin was currently under a mental strain. It wasn’t about the disorder that she suffered from; it was something a lot more than that. Soojung was under a deep pressure and she couldn’t find a grip on her own self.

“Even if she is, she won’t step out of her room,” Jongin’s mother heaved a small sigh in between her sentence. She glanced at Jongin whose eyes were staring blankly at the floor, a sudden pain reached her heart. She knew how much her son loved Soojung and the fact that the girl was reaching her breaking point – a state that even Jongin couldn’t get control of – it must’ve been too much of a pain to him as well. She reached for her son’s head as she soothed his hair.

“She should be alright, shouldn’t she?” she said, her voice travelled onto the cold air. She gave Jongin some pats before she stood and walked outside.

“You should try to give him another call, Jongin. No one knows if he will answer it this time.”

At his mother’s statement, Jongin growled silently. He had managed to give Soojung the serenity of living in a new house, the fact that she was not, at all, serene killed him a hundred times. He wanted to believe that Soojung was alright, that only time would save her from the distresses. But every time he saw Soojung throwing tantrums, he’d fall onto his knees. He hated seeing Soojung this way. He knew the reason behind her chafe, but he couldn’t find a way to discard them down. Jongin hated himself for not being able to bring her up from the lowest side of the loop.

Summer, 2012

Summer was not Soojung’s favorite season. Perhaps, due to her aversion toward summer, she spent most of her time in her room and constantly refused Jongin’s offer to play outside. Jongin, her one and only cousin, had continuously asked her to come along and play with him in the backyard, but the heat, too Soojung, was too much of a pain.

Her room was hygienically scented with a fragrance of Lavender. The forte sound of jazz music was echoing on repeat as Soojung closed her eyes. Although she had a comfortable bed, she still preferred to lie on the soothing fur carpet that Jongin’s mother had bought her years ago. The salving pelages of the carpet tickled her entire body gently as she swayed her head left to right, following the slow rhythm of the music. Her window was tightly closed and shuttered, allowing the lightless room to occult her entire self. Her body was covered with a thin layer of shirt; a short pant garmented her long, unlined legs. She heaved a big sigh in relief. She felt completely serene.

She might not be normal, unlike any other else, but Soojung still knew her own feelings. She knew what thoughts were lurking inside her mind, what feelings were occupying her heart. She knew what she disliked and what she found precious. It was just difficult for her to express what she wanted to express. After all, she was different.

“Soojung?” a voice called. Soojung laid still, not agitated by any matter. She heard nothing but the music, thus when she felt a sudden touch landing in her arms, she almost jumped in surprise.

“Calm down, it’s me,” a man of her age said. He was already lying down beside her, his eyes locked themselves on hers. The strands of his pink hair fell onto the tip of his eyelashes, and the red lips he owned was saying a word that Soojung could not comprehend. The touch of his in her arms tightened into a gentle grip, and Soojung could no longer hear the music. Only heartbeats – she wasn’t sure if it was hers or his – but still, she heard heartbeats.

“Have you been well?” in the same exact position, he asked. It took Soojung some seconds to understand what he was saying, for she was agitated by way too much. She nodded in response, a huge curve formed in her cherry-colored lips.

“Sehun..” she said. “Sehun… Are you well?” she continued. When she received a nod from Sehun, she grinned in happiness.

It had been two days ever since Sehun’s last visit in the house. Soojung had missed his presence, much more than she believed she would. She might felt comfortable around Jongin, but with Sehun, she felt a lot more than that. Ever since the first time they met – when Sehun had smoked carelessly in the house and caused her to throw rages – Soojung had found herself wanting to meet Sehun again. The man had come once in a while to have a chat with Jongin, who told Soojung that the two of them were good friends ever since high school. Soojung, in the other side, liked Sehun’s presence. She really did. When they had known each other for months – that was when Sehun had come to the house to visit Soojung (and not to meet Jongin) - Sehun used to give her a lot of knowing glares. His eyes; sharp yet peculiar had always stared at her as if she was the most beauteous creature in the world. His red lips; tinted in a perfect line – had always told her sweet words and reliable promises. Soojung remembered the first time Sehun walked into the house without any scent of smoke in his body. By the end of the day, he had told Soojung that he would quit smoking for her, for which he knew smoking was harming his surroundings, although he was certain that it was a form of medicine for himself. Soojung kept the promise. Of course she did. She hated smoke for it hardened her to breath, and breathing, to her, was the only thing she had mastered. Either way, she hated smoke, because she still feared death.

“Aren’t you going to play outside with us, Soojung?” Sehun’s voice pulled Soojung back from the recalling past. She tilted her head to stare at the ceilings as she felt Sehun’s arm reaching for her neck. He stretched his arm in order for Soojung to rest her head on it.

“Jongin and I want to play with you outside, aren’t you going to come?” he asked again. His voice reached Soojung’s ears in an instant. He was so close to the girl, yet it was merely tranquility that he felt. He never expected such feelings to clutter within him. The feeling of serenity; calmness. He never expected such feelings to linger and grow on him, not when it was Soojung that planted them. But then again, he already found himself feeling the way he least expected.

His breath lurked onto the air as it landed in Soojung’s skin, causing the girl to flinch. She tilted her head back to face Sehun – a sudden red blush appeared on her cheek. She had seen the pair of eyes for numerous times, but still, it was difficult for her to stare at them directly. She lowered her gaze to take a look at his cherry-colored lips, tinted perfectly. She wanted to answer his question, but the thoughts of him leaving her life appeared suddenly in her mind. She knew Sehun was right beside her, but the insecurity ate her entire self. She was comfortable with Sehun more than anyone else. She liked his presence, his touch, his voice, his eyes. She liked every bit of him, although it was merely months after they had first met. She found herself liking Sehun more and more each day. She found herself needing the presence of Sehun in her life. The sudden image that appeared in her mind – the image of Sehun stepping out from her life; fading onto a maze that she couldn’t reach – caused Soojung to feel eminently precarious. She didn’t want Sehun to leave.

She unconsciously took Sehun by his wrist, gripping it ever so tightly that it might have made a red mark. She sat up from her lying position – hand still tightened in Sehun’s.

“Don’t go,” she said, although it sounded more like a whisper. “Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go.”

Sehun stood up on his feet. He gently released himself from Soojung’s little fingers before he wrapped his hand around her shoulder. His tight, clenched grip took Soojung upon her fantasies. His deep, assuasive voice lingered to pull her back onto her normal state. Sehun was used to the situation. He was used to seeing Soojung running out of control, and as time went by, he had found himself being able to calm her down. Much to his surprise, Soojung listened to his words very well. There were even times when she wouldn’t listen to Jongin but was poised after hearing Sehun’s words. It took him off guard – the fact that Soojung had put her entire trust to him – Sehun did not know if he should be grateful or burdened.

“I’m not going anywhere,” in attempt of calming Soojung down, Sehun whispered. He tightened his grip, hoping Soojung would let go of the tension that caged entire self. He let his hand travelled in Soojung’s dark, wavy hair. He soothed strands by strands, with his other hand still wrapped in her shoulder. The distances of theirs were merely inches, for Sehun could hear heartbeats, although he was not certain if it was hers or his.

Soojung tried to embrace the words that Sehun had stated. He was not going anywhere – only that would do. She never wanted him to forsake her, but her mind was saying the other way. Sehun would leave. By any time soon, he would desolate her in a mess of agony. She knew – she knew it was merely her imagination, but the image kept on growing, and it was too real for her to stand. She wanted to pull herself away from her fantasies, but she had no strength. Only a loud utterance that turned out hysteric was vociferated from her.

“I am near, Soojung,” Sehun, again, attempted to sedate Soojung. The fact that Soojung wanted him to be always by her side hurt him in a way that he did not understand. He liked Soojung, of course he did. He liked her for her flaws, her imperfections. He liked her for being able to survive the cruel, nothingness of life. He liked her for being tough, despite the fact that she was unlike any others, despite the fact that she was different. He liked her for being lovely and that he could be himself whenever he was around her.

He liked her with his entire soul – but knowing that she was now reliant to him – why was it pain that cluttered his heart?

When he was not vigilant, Soojung relinquished herself from his grip. She started to run around the room as she threw things placed near. She closed her ears with the support of her arms. More loud utterances were clamored as her shaky voice reached the occulted air. She felt almost breathless. She felt almost dying.

She did not know why, but there was a feeling that the man she had treasured would leave her by anytime. She had never experienced lost before, and she did not want to feel it because she liked having Sehun around. She liked him, she truly did. She did not know if it was love or merely comfort; she did not care. She liked him and only that did matter.

“I am and will always be near."  She did not notice Sehun’s presence right behind her, his arms tightly wrapped around her waist, causing her to stop her steps. His chin rested on her shoulder as he whispered directly onto her ears. She had succeeded in perceiving Sehun’s words although it was still difficult for her to embrace them. The sound that went directly to tickle her ears and neck caused her to heave a small chuckle in between her tender breath.

For a second, Soojung felt joy, but at the same time, she did not.

“Jung Soojung, listen.” She had wanted to embrace Sehun’s words so that the image of him leaving her life would be discarded right away. She wanted to do so, but she was not capable enough. Sehun had tried to bury Soojung under his arms. It hurt him even more to see how fragile Soojung was that it was so hard for her to get away from her delusions.

“I will always be near, Jung Soojung. My words are for you to keep.” He knew it was assurance that Soojung needed, thus he kept on throwing promises.

“I promise to stay close; I promise I won’t leave you.”  If he could impede himself from smoking – a promise that he had avowed to Soojung – wouldn’t he be able to keep this promise? The promise of staying by her side forever?

He could – of course he could. Sehun could do anything to keep the vow, but it was a matter of will and capability. If he did not put his entire commitment on it, how could he keep the pledge?

But Sehun knew that words were words, promises were promises, and none could pull back what was already spoken. The truth was, Sehun did not know if he could stay. He did not know if he could always be by Soojung’s side. He did not know if he was ready to be cure of her distresses, to be the helping hand when she fell down. He did not know, and was not, at all, certain.

He knew it was already the end of everything when Soojung turned her body around to hug him back. Her face, wet, flooded by tears, hidden itself in Sehun’s chest. Her breath that was once tender went normal, and her fingers were tightly interlaced behind Sehun’s back.

“Don’t ever leave,” she, again, whispered. “Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.”

Sehun had found himself travelling his hand over the strands of Soojung’s hair, soothing them ever so carefully, afraid that she would break anytime soon. He nodded silently before the guilt inundated his entire self.

Sehun knew there was an invisible affection between him and Soojung. He knew, and he did not want to deny. He liked being around Soojung and he was certain that she had the same feeling as well. She had become too attached to him. She had trusted him for all her life.

But Sehun ... he was bonded to another vow with love as its stand. From the corner of his eyes, with Soojung still underneath his embrace, he saw the glistening diamond attached onto his finger.

A ring of engagement, for he remembered that it was merely last week when he had betrothed himself onto a marriage with a woman that he loved, a woman that he wanted to live with, even before Soojung appeared in his life.

He gently pulled Soojung away from his embrace before he looked through her eyes. Sadness, insecurities. He saw them within. It pained him to know that he was the cause of those breaking pieces, but then again, he had no other choice.

He had decided his own way, although by the time being, he still couldn’t figure out if regrets would come to kill him any time soon.

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