A/N: I would like to thank

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I’m so afraid to love. I, Kang Sa Rang, do not have a loving bone in my body. I forgot what that word even meant a long time ago, when my mother disappeared without me. She left me in the hands of a monster that splashed scars and hate on my body like pixie dust. Yet this is nowhere near a fairytale. He destroyed me, body and soul, and left my body to rot away. I’m just a carcass that’s living and breathing every day just because I can. I have a machines eyes and a robot’s heart; it’s beating, but only for life. I walk around like a zombie all day just to go home and repeat the process. It’s a cycle—an unbreakable cycle but a cycle nonetheless—that I can’t seem to get rid of. I no longer feel pain or know what tears taste like. I don’t know what the caring hand of parents feel like. All I know is the monstrous being that lurks between my room now and then to torment me. When I was young I would check under my bed for monsters; only now do I realize that they weren’t under my bed, they were in me and beside me; On the couch, in the kitchen, in the dining room. It wasn’t until my mother died that he took his role as my captor. He stole everything from me; my innocence, my feelings, and my will to live. Yet this body keeps on moving forward, my mind trapped in the eyes of it. The only thing that can help me escape from my demons is school. Oh, how I wish to live there! It is my only escape from life. Seeing the two-faced people that don’t know or care about what they do makes me feel exhilarated. Yet they commit so many stupidities. Humans sure are weird.

He sits in front of me and I flinch inwardly at every move he makes. He knows I fear him and that pushes him forward. All the games he plays; all the things he steals from me. He feels alive by it, yet doesn’t realize it’s a sin. He took my life—

“How was school?” he asks, his voice making me jump. I can’t find the words in my mouth and I struggle to croak out some form noise. I can feel his hand slide across my face as he reddens my cheek, dirties it with his hands. “I asked you a question” he stares at me, his eyes shooting out warnings that I always tend to ignore. This part of me always gets me punished.

“Fine…” I manage to say every letter which makes my throat dry. I just hope I can escape from it tonight.

Ѫ   

I woke up earlier than usual; my arms were sore and my legs felt stiff. I got up and dragged myself to the bathroom. While washing up I saw all the new marks that trail down my arms and legs.

Guess he doesn’t care to hide what he’s doing.

My cheek is swollen and my eyes have deep bags. I could cover up most of the marks, except the ones on my face.

I wonder what people are going to say today. They’ll probably make up some new rumors.

I rub my hands over my face, my whole body hurts and I just want to escape from all of this. I grab my things and head out of the house; I stop by a store and buy myself some breakfast. People stare at me like I’m a freak when they see me.

Guess I didn’t cover up enough.

It’s ironic how fast these humans are to judge. Yet aren’t I exactly like them? Turning on my kind doesn’t seem like a favorable decision.

I wish I were an alien.

I turn the corner and walk to the gates. Some kid hurries past me and his friend bumps into me. His eyes widen when he sees me and quickly mumbles a sorry. I ignore him and shut out every ones presence. I can feel all eyes on me,and I can see mouths whispering about my scars.

“Ew, it’s the freak again!”

“What happened now? Is her boyfriend beating her up?” a few giggle.

“Heh. She looks so pitiful, that robot girl.” I can hear all their laughter. They mock me, they giggle about my scars, and when I feel to the point of crying, I shut everyone out. I can’t hear anything. Nothing exists, only me. I’m alone. There’s no one here. I sit in my seat and ignore all the people gawking at me, gazing at me, laughing at me. Heh. I guess the world does revolve around me.

The teacher enters the class and calls me forward to the classroom. She whispers in my ear that she wants to meet me in the nurses’ office after class. I turn back around and ignore her.

I will not be going to the nurses’ office.

I take notes during class, sometimes my arm shakes and I can’t control it, and the letters go everywhere on the page. I try hard to ignore the gaze the teacher sends my way. I can feel the pity in her eyes and that’s something I don’t need.

  Ѫ 

I think the teacher knows that I don’t want to go to the nurses’ office because before she leaves the class she drags me with her. The door to the office opens and the nurse looks surprised, her eyes widening for a moment before she relaxes a bit. Only a tiny bit.

“What happened?” She asks, inquiring the teacher to speak.

“I want you to clean her wounds.” She says and the nurse nods. “Strip off your clothes."

I did as told and followed her instruction; until I realized what I was doing. I stopped midway and quickly hauled my skirt back up to my waist. I gripped the bed and tightened my grasp. “Why aren’t you doing as told” she asks and I swear that my mind makes up the illusion that he’s staring right at me instead of my teacher. I cower in fear and she knows she hit a nerve. I feel my body shaking wildly, convulsing with every breath. My eyes roll back a bit and I’m afraid of every touch she tries to make. In this state she can’t soothe me.

When I stop convulsing I stare at the nurse. Ms. Kim left so that I could calm down. The nurse stares at me with something I’d never experienced before. Well, maybe I did… before my mom died. I stay there for a while, escaping from my own haven. This place is turning into a nightmare… just like that ‘house’. The nurse cleaned my wounds and didn’t ask about anything. I wouldn’t have answered her anyways.

Ѫ   

I walk home slower than usual. I take my sweet time and smell the nicotine filled air that seems to circulate around the alley I walk through. Taking the long way home sure is scary. Well, at least I’d feel scared if I wasn’t so numb all the time.

“Yah! Wait!” Someone yells behind me and I can feel a pair of arms wrap around me. I’m pushed into a dark corner hidden from sight and the guys hand is over my mouth. I can feel his hollow breathing and before I can register what is happening a group of guys run past our hiding place. I panic and I can feel a scream growing in my throat. The smell of sweat and beer mixed with nicotine drives my senses insane. I can feel myself shudder as his breath begins to tickle my head. The tight space is making me claustrophobic and I can feel myself reel with fright. Right now is the only time I haven’t felt numb, and this feeling— this, right now —is making me feel exhilarated and a bit scared. Though I can feel hysteria climbing up to take its reign on my body, I feel alive. For the first time I don’t feel the cycle I’ve been going through every day.

His hand releases my mouth when he feels that those guys are far away enough, and I feel the scream rising up in my throat. I let the croak that doesn’t even feel like a scream release from my hold. My voice has been so underused that it no longer feels like it belongs to me. It feels like a strangers’. I run out but he grips my arms before I can go. He takes a good look at me and as his eyes widen I realize that my scars are visible. I try to hide my face but he pulls up a hand to lift my chin. I flinch at his action and he seems a bit shocked. My eyes are closed yet I can see him gazing at me; his eyes probing at each and every scar as if healing them with his gaze. He stares at me in a way I've never experienced. It wasn’t like the teachers’ gaze —even though I had no idea what kind of gaze that was— it was something else.

Even though I am a stranger to him —even though I have no idea who he is— he hugs me; squeezing me tight. I don’t try to run away, I don’t try to escape. My mind yells at me to run away, why would a stranger hug me anyways? I’m nothing to him and he's nothing to me, so why is he hugging me? My eyes widen when I feel my arms unconsciously wrap around him. I hug him back and as tears trail down my face, I realize that I don’t want to let go. Not yet. I hug him tighter, this stranger that doesn’t mean anything to me, and when we finally pull away I feel myself want to tell him. I want to tell him everything that has been happening in my life. I want to tell this stranger, this ‘old friend’, this man, everything that has happened to me. I don’t want to go home, I want to lie in his arms and smell his sweet scent.

Why am I feeling this way?

“I know you don’t know me, my name is Yong Guk and I want to know more about you” He says, a sad smile gracing his face. I can only feel myself nod. “What’s your name?”

Ѫ

I am called to the nurses’ office again today. It has been a week since my last visit to the office and I realize that they would have called me eventually anyways. I still don’t talk about the scars, though my teacher has guessed most of the truth. She knows that I only live with my brother and that he is the only one capable of doing this to me. She knows I don’t go out and let others do this to me because she sort of sees how timid and antisocial I am. I am just a regular sociopath that doesn’t know the ways of society anymore. I’d lost that knowledge long ago. She wants to call the police but I beg her not to. No matter how much I want that scum-bag in jail, I can sort of sympathize with him. After our mother died he was left with the burden of taking care of me, he was so devastated. She puts the phone down when she realizes how serious I am about not making him go to jail. I tell her it’s getting a bit better now since I only go home when I know he's passed out from all the alcohol. My voice feels worn out.

I’m going to see Yong Guk today. I pass by the nicotine smelling alley every day to talk to him. He sort of calms me in a strange way. This is the first time I’m feeling so many things at once and I like it. I don’t feel like a robot anymore. I haven’t told him about my situation at home because even though I’ve only known him a week I can sense that he's the type to go lengths for me. I don’t know why he’s like that, maybe he feels like he needs to protect me for some reason.

I don’t know. I just hope life gets better.

Ѫ  

I pass by the usual place Yong Guk and I hangout at. I sit on the floor waiting for him to arrive.

I feel like telling him today.

I hear footsteps and a sigh. I close my eyes and I can feel his body sit right next to me. I’m still not used to him near me since I don’t really trust men anymore, but I've learned to cope with it. Our eyes meet and we both smile at the same time. It’s been so long since I’ve done that that it feels nice.

We talk with our eyes; since I haven’t found a way to let him hear my voice yet this is how we communicate. He’s the one that usually talks, his deep voice soothing me both physically and mentally. I mostly nod or make gestures with my hands; he's gotten good at reading them recently.

I want to tell him.

“I want to tell you” I say, surprising myself. His eyes widen at me and he looks at me like I’m a freak.

Great, just what I need! Now he thinks I’m a freak!

“Your voice is beautiful…” he says in awe, surprising me.

“No it isn't! It’s underused and abused. I haven’t talked a lot recently. I haven’t talked a lot period so I don’t think my voice is beautiful” I croak out.

“That’s the longest you’ve talked to me… Wow” He says. I silently giggle a bit and turn to him.

“I want to tell you,” I begin the story and he stops me a few times to give me time to breathe since I am speeding along. He gasps or holds my hand now and then to show compassion. I tell him everything. I am afraid at first to tell him but he urges me telling, me that he won’t judge me and understand. “I don’t know how to love. I lost that when my mom died. I’m also afraid to love or feel anything. It scares me…feelings that is. It’s a humans most fatal weapon. It can destroy both the mind and the body. ” I say, ending the story. He stares at me with the same eyes he stared at me with the same day we met. I can’t explain the way he looks at me because as I’ve said, I’ve never been looked at that way by anyone.

“I want to teach you how to love.” He says and wraps his arms around me. I let him do so, only flinching a bit as his arms tighten around me. “I love you, and I want to teach you to love back. I want to teach you” he says as his lips crush onto mine. The feeling is so exquisite that I feel like… I don’t know what I feel like! I feel his tongue probing my mouth to open and I do just that. I let him in. I trust him.

When we pull back out of the sweet euphoria we just experienced and I stare into his eyes, I have no intentions of going back to that hell-hole tonight. I just want to lie in Yong Guk’s strong arms.

“Can you teach me how to love?” I whisper and hug him closer.

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This one-shot has come to an end. It’s a bit long but I like it. I enjoyed writing it and as readers I hope you enjoy reading it. I cried while writing this so I hope you cry while reading it too. ^^ comments are very much appreciated and up votes are an amazing rewards. I love you guys so very much; especially my silent readers. LOL. Um this is awkward but what does OTL mean? I read it in fics every once in a while and have NO idea what it means. Enlighten me a bit will ya’?

Annyeong!