Changmin didn't know what the hell he was doing in this room, just staring at Yunho sprawled unconsciously on the bed; his eyes was closed and his chest heaving up and down in a steady pace on the bed inside the university nursery. The blackish circles under those closed almond shaped eyes mirrored just how restless Yunho had been this past week and Changmin knew that it was more likely because the lack of sleep and Yunho's tendency to work past through his limitation. 

In a normal condition, Changmin would smack the older man awake and yell an earful protest on how Yunho always had been so reckless and stubborn for not taking care of himself better and used to make everyone around him so worried, but Changmin realized everything that they had now was passing the normal level. No, it wasn't normal at all and Changmin could only smile bitterly at the memories of how he used to take care of Yunho in such condition before.

He sighed. He can't and he didn't want to recall such bittersweet memories anymore when the only thing he had now was emptiness inside. Instead, he chose to appreciate the sight of a young handsome man that he had known almost for the past ten years since they were still in primary school. And no matter how often he wondered about it, he still couldn't get how such a beautiful creature existed in this world even though the form of this creature was slowly being swallowed by fatigue and illness. 

Changmin began to trail his gaze on Yunho's face, taking on every detail of the beauty of Yunho's face and keeping it safe on his mind so he would never forget the way Yunho looked. 

He started on Yunho's lips which still possessed the cherry red color, the same color as those lips he used to kiss and kissed him back before. Then Changmin's eyes focused on the color of Yunho's face that was a shade paler than the actual golden tan but no way it could hide the strong line of his jaw bone or the straight of his nose that Changmin always loved to trace with his finger. He moved to Yunho's cheeks, taking a note that the cheekbones began to look too prominent for Yunho must had lost his weight and they were still flushed in pink as the impact of the fever that the older man was having, which was why he was brought in here to get a bit of rest that he could afford for himself getting at least a little better. But despite all of that, the older man was still glowing and as beautiful as Changmin could ever remember in his entire life of being together with Yunho.

As Changmin's mind wondered to the time when they were still together, he couldn't help but admiring this man all over again. His head was filled with so much memories of Yunho; Yunho's eyes had been always so adamant. They were kind, but so easily taking a strong effect to everyone who saw straight into his brown orbs. It was the way Yunho looked at Changmin that he remembered the most. They were always so warm, always capable of making his heart melt and fluttered helplessly under his gaze. 

His luscious lips which feathered kisses on his skin were soft and gentle, but the words that came in between were always promising, filled with love and embraced by tender care. And there were Yunho's hands which always holding Changmin protectively and safe in his embrace. Their touch was always strong but gentle and assuring at the same time.   

Reminiscing all of this, Changmin's heart was fluttering but it hurt all at the same time because it painfully reminded him how he loved this man yet he couldn't do anything for it. 

Everything had over and Yunho wasn't his to hold anymore.

Ever since that fateful day when they broke up, Changmin had had never got the chance to be this close with the older man without him being ignored or avoided just because Yunho had stated clearly that he didn't want to see Changmin anywhere near him anymore and it brought Changmin to a deep misery. From then on he could only watch Yunho in the safe distance where Yunho wouldn't notice that Changmin still had his eyes on him even for his slightest movement. Yet in this moment, Changmin realized that this was the closest thing he could get to Yunho. Though the distance between them was merely an inch away where Changmin's hand was so close to touch yunho's, however he felt the older man's presence was getting too far away. It was way too far for his fingertips to reach and he was helpless all over again. 

A second in silence ticked by and Changmin saw Yunho frowned in his sleep as if he was in pain; sweat had started to form on the edge of his brow, trailing a cruel path down to his neck.

Watching this, Changmin had to restrain himself to put his palms flat on those cheeks, caressing them softly while praying that he could take Yunho's pain away and easing him back to his sleep. But he knew he can't, so he just closed his eyes and clenching his fist in a tight grip as he held back droplets of crystal clear from breaking its chamber and making through their way to his face. Anyway, eventually they escaped without any visible resistance which proving his futile effort for not giving up with this helplessness, for being such a loser because in the end he was the only one who couldn't get away from this love no matter how hard he tried. It was just impossible for him if the affection that he embraced for the older man so dearly was still too strong for him to fight. Thus he wasn't too surprised when he found his face had been flooded with his own tears and he was sobbing in silence, so very careful not to let any sound escaping his mouth because he was afraid that it will wake the sleeping figure and he will ruin this moment.
At least that was what he was thinking before.

As he glanced to Yunho's face one more time through his blurry eyes, Changmin couldn't stand it anymore. He really loved this man and the feeling was never changed. It still as deeper as it had ever been before. All the time it was struggling in an effort to break through this thick barrier between him and Yunho and it was ready to burst and blow him away if it couldn't get through. So with the last remain of his courage, Changmin bent himself down and planted a kiss on those sweet and warm lips that he longed to caress with his own. He took his time as he prayed for the whole world to stop spinning and time to freeze in this moment. Even for the slightest or for every dream he had ever wanted, he only wished for this moment to last forever and he would never have to wake up to find that this was only a dream, to find that reality wasn't as pretty as he had expected. 

Yet through all of his desperate hope, he knew it was impossible. There was no way to stop this cruel reality to take over his world, leaving him to recollect every piece of his shattered heart and once again breaking him apart in such way he would never imagine. And when he pulled away from the kiss he gave to Yunho, Changmin closed his eyes, inhaling the scent that was so Yunho before he whispered against Yunho's lips, "I love you."

With those words escaped his mouth, once again Changmin pressed his lips momentarily to Yunho's unresponsive ones before he hastily dazed out of the room, afraid that he would break all over again while chocking on his own tears that never stopped streaming down his cheeks.

But Changmin didn't know, as he was padding across the university corridor, Yunho's almond shaped eyes suddenly opened. Those lips that Changmin kissed a moment ago were trembling and the body that was laying on the bed before had straightened up and shaking so hard. His slight pale face filled with so much emotion and it was out of his control until there were two drops of hot liquid dropped down and leaving trails of wetness along the way.

And Changmin would never know that those lips were moving. The words they formed were spoken weakly between a shaking body and a silent tears, so soft and almost like a whisper, but they had never lost their precious meaning for it had always stayed the same. So deep and heartfelt.

"I'm sorry, Changmin-ah... I love you... I love you..."

i can't be that someone you're dreaming of
you can't find that kind of love
even if you leave, just know this before you go...
that i was a fool who loved you and no other
but who didn't know, it was becoming an obsession..
Yeah, let's forget everything...
let's forget...
forget...

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