(A/n:) *Fonts in red are flashbacks*

 

Love is nothing but an imagination that our mind makes, our body feels, in which our heart believes. I grew up falling in love countless times but no one has ever yet made me feel special like he did. He was my first true love, yet it never lasted. You see, the problem here is not falling in love with the right or wrong person but its staying after going through every challenges of it. I was wrong to entrust my whole heart, It all ends anyway; Everything was nothing but a bittersweet trap.

 

---

"Yongbin, I have to train with the members starting tomorrow. We're going to have our comeback in a few months." Kris held my hand and planted soft kisses on my fingertips. "I'm sorry, I won't be able to see you for a few days.."

I smiled at him and squeezed his hand,"Its alright, do your best on your comeback okay?"

"Yeah, actually Kai and Lay had been working non stop on our choreography, and Luhan hyung and Chen had been having a lot of recording sessions. So I'm gonna practice rapping with Chanyeol and the others later.." He paused and chuckled, "You know, I'm not a pretty good dancer so I have to ask Kai to teach me more."

"You'll be fine." I faked a laughing voice and stood up just in time for my next class. "I have to go back now."

"Alright, I'll head back to the SM building now." Kris gave me a tight hug before kissing my forehead gently. "I'm going to miss you, jagiya."

That's right, Kris is my boyfriend. He did that one thing Kai could have never done for me, he stayed. Kris never knew the relationship me and Kai had before. It was on that special day when I went to the company to see Kai that everything fell apart;

"Excuse me, are you lost?" One of the guys that was walking past behind him approached me.

I stood there dumbfounded, still frozen and on the verge of crying. He saw me right? Why did he have to pretend that he didn't know me? 

"Hey..uh" That tall canadian looking guy called out once again. He might be wondering how a trespasser like me could have entered their building.

"I'm sorry.." I looked up and saw the other members behind the tall guy stopped for awhile including Kai. He wasn't looking at me though, he was clearly avoiding me. "I  was just looking for the exit."

"I'll accompany you, If you'd like."

I nodded lifelessly and followed his lead. Finally, Kai looked at me. And when our eyes met, I smiled at him with words speaking that it would be the last time I will meet with him again. When I got to the exit, I suddenly burst into the tears making the guy next to me panick, he stayed there the whole time, patting my back until I cried everything out. I told him he should head back but then he said something so deeply that made me realize something, 

"It's fine, were just gonna practice anyway."

"B-but,I know you idols are busy that's why you have to go back and practice."

He got shocked a bit but he still smiled at me. 

"I don't really know how you knew that but there are some things that are much more important than just practicing for a debut stage or-" He looked at me with curious eyes, I know he knew. He saw right through me but he didn't say a single word about it. "Well, yeah this is important cause it'll depend on the outcome of our debut stage, but hey, I wouldn't leave a girl crying just for that." 

We started seeing eachother and we grew close as friends. Kris was a great guy, no doubt. He knows how to make a girl happy that's for sure. I know that he will never hurt me, that's why on the same day of their debut stage, I was left in both shock and happiness when Kris confessed to me. Guilt ran through me, I never once mentioned that me and Kai had a past because I was scared to lose him.

That time, I hesitated but when I remember the message my close friend sent me before, all my worries were blown away and all I thought about was Kris. 

"It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down, what matters is who made you smile again."

 

---

 

"Oh Kris hyung, you're early today." Kai was usually the first one to always arrive the practice room that's why he thought it was unusual for Kris to be this early.

"Well, It's better than being late right?" Kris chuckled, "Besides manager hyung had been scolding me lately, our comeback's fast approaching huh."

Kai sat down next to Kris and took a glance at him, "So, hows that girlfriend of yours?"

"She's fine, I went to see her awhileago. You should meet her soon, I want to introduce her to you guys."

Kai ignored the last part of what Kris said and sighed, "Is she the reason why you're always late?" Kai tried to hide his annoyed expression but Kris was still able to notice.

"Sorry, I'll be on time from now on." Kris flashed him a smile.

"I really don't care hyung, as long as you do well in the dance practice that is."

"Ahh, that's enough nagging." Kris stood up and stretched his arms, "I'm going out for a bit."

"Okay, come back immediately, we'll start without the others if they don't arrive in 15 minutes."

"Yes boss." He teased.

It's not like I still care. Kai's thoughts went flying when he suddenly felt a phone vibrating. He rumagged through his bag and got his phone but it wasn't his. He took a look at Kris's bag and found a miss call from a person named Bin Bin in his contatcs. Kai's chest tightened as he clutched the phone on his hand, his eyes were fixated on that name, someone who he used to know, someone who used to be so dear to him. But now with another man.

Two moons, two moons..♫♪

The phone rang again. Without any hesitation, Kai answered it. 

"Jagiya? Are you there?" There was a long silence on the phone, Kai didn't answer.

I want to hear her voice so badly. Even if it's just for a bit. 

"Yah It's not funny at all. Why aren't you speak-" Kai cut off the call when he heard footsteps through the door, It was his other members. He could hear Lay, Luhan and Sehun's voice, making a big ruckus about Kris's weird fashion style lately, it was so loud that Kai could even hear it from the inside.

"Hey Kamjjong, someone's looking for you." Chanyeol leaned towards the door with Krystal on his side. 

"Hi. Did you miss me?"

Kai went outside to meet with Krystal, she noticed Kai was acting all gloomy so she enveloped her arms around Kai's neck and gave him a quick peck on his cheek.

"What's with that gloomy face? I don't like it." Krystal made a pouty face.

"Sorry, I'm not in the mood right now."

"This is the first time this week that you see your girlfriend and that's what you say?" Kai felt guilty and hugged her tightly without any word, burrying his face in Krystal's long hair. He was feeling weak and confused after hearing Yong Bin's voice. He knew he shouldn't have done that but he still can't get over her after all.

Chanyeol scoffed and pointed inside, "Sorry to interrupt but we gotta practice now. You guys can flirt later."

"I'll call you later." Krystal winked.

Kai waved goodbye as he let out a sigh. Chanyeol saw Kai's reaction and elbowed him, "Yah, you're dating a hot girl yet you act like you're not intersted anymore. Are you crazy man?"

"Ahh let's go in, everyones waiting."

"Hmp. Ignoring me eh."

"It's not like its important." Kai said. 

"You're lucky enough to date a girl like her you know, If you think it's troublesome then why don't you just break up?" Chanyeol placed his hand on Kai's arm and gave him a loud pat. 

 

"Kim JongIn."

Kai was on a break from practice and was eating his lunch alone inside the practice room at that time. He looked up and saw one of his sunbae standing on the door step.

"Krystal ssi.. do you need something from me?"

"I've heard a lot about you. You're still a newbie yet you're already gathering so much attention."

He eyed her suspiciously, "Not really."

"I like interesting guys the most."

Kai ignored her and went back to eating his lunch.

" I know exactly the reason behind those bitter actions, Kai. I've met a lot of trainee's and its always been the same reason."

Kai felt irritated so he shot a glare at her, "Sunbae if you don't have anything else to say please leave."

"You know, If you're planning to be an idol, dating a nobody would only burden you. If I was you, I'd date someone from the same company." Krystal ran his fingers through Kai's arm, up to his neck. "It'll be a lot convenient. Your much more far away from scandals, plus it won't be difficult to keep a secret." Krystal traced Kai's jawline and leaned towards him, "So, do you wanna try?"

 

---

 

"This is it! It's the awaited day!" Suho exclaimed, "Are you guys ready?"

Kris placed his hand in the middle and one by one the members followed. 3,2,1 all of them chorused, "We are one! EXO Fighting!"

I wonder if it's alright for me to be here, is it a right decision to be watching their performance? Because seeing Kris perform also means I'll be able to see him.

Next will be EXO with their comeback song, WOLF!

The crowed went wild cheering and chanting their fan chants in chorus, It's was amazing. The power and support the fan girls give out was really amazing. My eyes went searching for Kris immediately only to find my eyes locked into Kai's.

Why. How did he manage to find me so quickly in this crowd of people. It felt like years eversince I saw him, his eyes never left mine it felt like my soul was being by his intense stare. I tried to avert my eyes but I couldn't bring myself to. I missed him so much, it hurts like hell. The performance ended with me and Kai exchanging glances. Everytime he gets the chance to have an eye contact with the fans, he looks at me.

I headed backstage to quickly look for Kris, hoping that I wouldn't bump into him but I know that would be impossible because all of the members are together now. It was just like I was telling myself I don't want to see him but the truth is I really want to.

"Yongbin!" A familiar voice called out. I looked back and saw Kris waving at me.

"Oho." Xiumin made a funny face and smiled at me. "Is she the one our leader is going gaga about?"

Kris glared at Xiumin that made the other members burst into laughter.

I bowed to each of them, my eyes caught the sight of Kai standing quietly at the back, "I'm Sung Yongbin. Nice to meet you."

"Leader's girlfriend? wow I'm jealous." Kai suddenly spoke leaving me dumbfounded.

"Aishh stop talking like you don't have a girlfriend, you lucky bastard!" Chanyeol grabbed Kai with the help of Baekhyun and they started throwing light punches at him.

"Hey, Hey, let me punch him too!" Suho said.

"Speaking of the beautiful devil." Sehun grinned, pointing at the hallway. My eyes trailed down to see a girl with long brown hair, with silky white skin walking towards Kai.

"Kai! You were amazing!" He grabbed him by his shirt and kissed him in the cheek making the boys hysterical. Chanyeol was covering them so the staff wouldn't see.

Kai grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away, "Krystal! Why did you do that here?! There are lots of people."

He looked at me. I looked away.

"I-I have to go to the toilet." I said. Kris pointed the way and told the boys that they should go back to the dressing room to change. I told Kris i'd text him later so we can meet up after.

I escaped quickly from the awful sight and ran to the end of the hallway. I rested my back and clenched my fist tightly, warning myself not to show any weak point. 

"YongBin."

I gulped as I slowly turned back. It was Kai. It felt like I haven't heard his voice for years. Hearing him say my name like that, how can I not feel weak.

"The toilet isn't that way.." He rubbed the back of his neck while looking down. "It's over there." He pointed at the other side.

"I-I know that!" I bit my lip as I hurriedly walk away when I suddenly felt a grip on my hand.

"Can we talk?"

My heart tightened.

"Let go of me. It'll be troublesome if your girlfriend see's."

Even so, Kai ignored me and didn't let go of my hand. "Do you really like Kris hyung?" The seriousness in his voice made me shiver. I yanked his hand away and glared at him.

"You don't have the right to question my feelings for him. You know very well that you're the one who left me in the air just like an idiot."

"I'm sorry.. About that, I was confused.. I was just-"

"You think your apology would matter now?"

Kai made a painful expression. I can already see the tears on the side of his eyes piling up, ready to fall at any given moment. But he was trying not to. I turned my back at him, "Oh and by the way, congrats on getting a new girlfriend. You two idols look great together."

With that I hurriedly went out of the company. The air inside was suffocating me, the pressure was maddening. I couldn't help but say horrible things to him when in fact all I ever wanted to say was I really miss you.

That afternoon, I didn't contact Kris. I already recieved 17 miscalls and 23 messages from him. But I just couldn't face him now. Not with my current condition. 

I went to that usual place up the hill where the view would always be at best when it's night time. The place where me and Kai would always go to when we want to escape reality. There was too much memories lingering in that place, I never planned to go back there eversince me and Kai broke up but I felt like today was an exception. These feelings that had been piled up, I had to burry them someplace to once again, forget.

I was sitting down on the wooden bench when I heard a rustling sound behind from the stairs.

"It's you." We both chorused.

I stood there with my mouth slightly open, still thinking if it was merely an illussion. Kai was standing right infront of me, he was wearing the knitted pink scarf I gave him on our first monthsary. I remember him saying that he'll never wear it because he hates pink, how ironic.

"What are you doing here?" I finally broke down into a few words, but he didn't answer. Instead, he sat down as I stood infront of him.

"Sit down." He said.

I furrowed my eyebrows and bit my lower lip. I walked away quickly until he said something that made me halt,

"I broke up with her."

"Wh-what?"

"I broke up with Krystal."

"You don't have to tell me that. It doesn't concern me." I said. The harsh tone on my voice, coming back again.

"I never really loved her. I was just lonely." 

That's right. Isn't that the same reason I have for dating Kris? It would be wrong, I never wanted to take advantage of Kris's feelings. I don't want to hurt him. But what do I do, I'm still stuck on the same boat. We're both stuck. And we know ourselves that we still love eachother.

I looked  back to see Kai, standing only a few inches away from me. He didn't spoke. His eyes were empty and it felt like hell. I just couldn't help it anymore. Too see him, the man I love, standing so closely to me, I just had to hug him. After so many months, I was able to feel his warmth. But everything was just too late for both of us. I hugged him tightly more than I ever did and he hugged me back. Tears started streaming down my cheeks, he cupped my face andwiped it with his fingers. 

"I'm going to make it up to you Yongbin.. " He held my hands and kissed it so dearly, "Please, stay with me."

His pleading eyes sparkled, it relfected the stars but his were much more brighter. Brighter than anything else in the world.

"I'm sorry, JongIn."

His expression changed. I felt the pain he was feeling as he looked at me.

"It's not the same anymore. We can't go back. You have to let go!"

"No! I can't!" He held my hand tighter.

I pushed him away, for the last time.

"I'm sorry, but I don't feel anything for you anymore."

"You're lying! If you don't feel anything then why-?!"

I need to end this right here, right now.

"I'm inlove with Kris." I cut him off as I tried to convince myself for the 100th time. "I'm dating him, and were both serious with eachother that's why I can't go back."

 

---

 

She left me. Just like that, we never saw eachother again. 2 weeks have passed already. She never visited the company neither have I heard Kris talk about her. I thought that maybe she told him about our past that's why Kris rarely spoke. Krystal on the other hand, treated me like nothing happened. We were both never serious in this relationship to begin with. She returned to being my normal sunbae, and it was amazing how the members never questioned me about the break up thing. Everyone was awfully weird eversince our debut stage, it was then I found out that Chanyeol is dating someone from the school he's studying at right now. I didn't expect that he would open up to me about these things, and it made me reminisce about my own experiences. I kept wondering, why. Why did I let go? 

"Thanks for the advice Kai." Chanyeol breathed out, "It really is difficult, dating when your an idol. Ugh, I hate paparazzi's."

"You'll get through it. Just don't make the same mistake I did."

"Hey, so if you don't mind me asking, what happened to this mystery girl of yours? Are you guys still in contact with eachother?"

"No. She never showed up again."

Chanyeol gave me a hard pat on the shoulder, "Ahh, too many broken hearted people lately. I've been feeling a little guilty you know. Cause I'm here enjoying my current relationship while my members are suffering.. Kris too-"

"What about Kris?" My heart literally jumped out. "D-did something happen to his girlfriend?"

"Eh, didn't you know? Ah well Kris didn't want to trouble everyone so he kept it a secret maybe."

I gulped in nervousness as I waited for Chanyeol to speak.

"Kris and his girlfriend broke up. I think it was 2 weeks ago or more than that.. I'm not sure."

What. Yongbin lied to me. Then the last time we met, all she said was a lie right? 

"Hey where are you going?!" Chanyeol yelled but Kai didn't bother to explain. He ran out of the room to look for Kris. When he finally saw him standing next to a vendo, Kai grabbed him. He was panting really hard but he just had to clear everything. He wanted to hear it from Kris himself.

"What's the matter?" Kris asked.

"Y-you.. your girlfriend, can you tell me where she is? Can I get her number? This is important."

Kris sighed as he placed his palm on his forehead. 

"You idiot."

"What?" Kai looked at him cluelessly.

"Here-" Kris handed Kai his phone and pointed at Yongbin's number, "I doubt she'll answer your calls though."

"So you know it already huh."

"I knew it all along." Kris showed a small smile, "I really thought I can make her forget." He heaved another heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry, hyung.."

"Don't be. Were both losers in love anyway."

That whole day, Kai tried to contact Yongbin but nothing went through, even the messages he sent. She never answered any of it. It was true that one person never gets over someone that easily, for gods sake they were still in love after all that happened. And they continued loving eachother secretly just like that, no one can escape from falling in love without getting wounded. None of them knew how it'll end, that's how love goes, it's sad and it's sweet. It was a complete feeling indeed. But if there's one thing they both realized, love isn't just described as bittersweet but a beautiful struggle.