That night, I felt a different surge of emotions. First, I got overwhelmed with my son’s heartfelt gesture. He’s my source of strength. Second, the milk did really help put me to sleep. It was one of the first few nights I haven’t shed a tear before dozing off. It felt extremely good. And lastly, for a moment there, I’ve forgotten my loneliness just a teeny tiny bit.

The days have passed and I’m starting to learn living more optimistically. I don’t sulk and mourn the way I used to. Everything seemed brighter.

A week has passed since that Valentine’s night. We’re running low on milk again. I don’t know why it’s so vital in our diet. I guess I got this habit of drinking milk from my wife. I just can’t seem to let go of her, can I? It’s a cold afternoon in Seoul so I picked up my coat and purse and drove off.

As I entered the grocery, the employees kept on greeting me politely.

“Good afternoon, ma’am. Would you like a shopping cart? Or maybe a shopping basket?”

Being the confident shopper that I am, I refused. I can handle holding a few cartons or so. I feel like Wonderwoman.

“Excuse me, where’s the dairy section?”

“It’s on aisle 9.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

I walked towards the said aisle.

“Okay, here we go.. 5, 6.. 7.. 8.. Here it is.”

I grabbed what seemed like two tons of milk (when in fact, it was only 2 liters). I wasn’t as Wonderwoman-y as I thought I would be. Clumsily, I dropped the other carton on my hand. Thank God it didn’t spill. The mess would’ve been embarrassing. Me dropping the carton was enough to make the shoppers nearby stare at me and giggle. Surprisingly, a pair of hands suddenly picked up the carton.

“You know, you should’ve gotten a basket or something.” He hands the carton to me.

“Y-yeah. I thought I could carry it easily.” I grab the carton and nod. I don’t even know why I nodded.

“It’s funny how we meet at circumstances like this.” He smiles.

It was those familiar eyes. I don’t think he’s familiar but somehow, I’ve seen them somewhere..

“Oh you don’t remember me? Sorry. Let me introduce myself more appropriately then. I picked up your grocery item when it fell last week.” He laughs and grabs himself a carton of milk as well.

I guess my thoughts were louder than my words. Maybe it was painted all over my face for him to know what I was thinking.

“Crap. Sorry, I’m not really good with face recognition.”

“No worries.”

“Thank you. Again.” I bowed and walked off. It’s so embarrassing. I’m going to walk this embarrassment off..

I dashed towards the counter only to be stopped in my tracks by the same guy. He was panting. Was I running too fast? Wait. DID I LEAVE AN ITEM ON THE FLOOR AGAIN?!

“Did I drop something again? This is totally embarrassing now.”

“I can’t help it. Want to have dinner?”

“H-HUH?” Now that caught my off-guard.

“Let’s have dinner.”

“You’re awfully fast?”

“I can’t help it.”

“I can’t.” This is a first. Nobody’s asked me out this straightforward before. Nobody’s even tried to ask me out ever since my wife’s death. I don’t think I’m ready for this.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry. Now’s really not the right time.” That’s the best thing I could tell him. Not the whole, “My wife just died.”, “I’m emotionally unavailable right now.” Or even “I’m not in the mood to date anyone because I’m still mourning my wife’s death.”

“O-okay..” His face screams I’VE JUST BEEN REJECTED, KILL ME NOW. I feel bad for him. He had those puppy dog eyes as he blinks and stutters. I shot him an apologetic smile as I paid the cashier and walk away. Then I heard his voice again.

“When’s the right time then?”

I glanced over my shoulder. “What?” Did I just hear him right? He still wants to ask me out?

“I said, when’s the right time?”

“I-I don’t know.” He’s really determined, isn’t he?

“I’ll wait for that then.” I didn’t know how to reply to that, so I stared at him blankly.

I went home with a weird feeling fluttering inside of me. Kyungsan was off to bed without a hassle since he was so tired from school. He was ecstatic about his field trip next month though.

That night, I tossed and turned oddly. It’s those 2:00 AM thoughts flowing again.

There are two types of waiting. There’s the kind of waiting you do for something you know is coming, sooner or later—like waiting for the 6:28 train, that 10:00 show, or the school bus, or a party where a certain handsome man might be. And then there’s the waiting for something you don’t know is coming. You don’t even know what it is exactly, but you’re hoping for it. You’re imagining it and living your life for it. That’s the kind of waiting that makes a fist in your heart.

And right now, the second one’s pretty much heavy in my heart. I need some help lifting that weight. Maybe it’s time to let a weightlifter in my life to lessen the burden.

“Honey, am I ready for this?” I talk to our picture frame, like I’d always do whenever I was alone. It was our picture during the sharing of vows in our quiet ceremony. It was just us, the officiator and the people we loved that surrounded us. It was a great memory. I stare at this picture frame often. I ask her why I’m always sad. I ask her why she left so early. I ask her practically about everything or anything under the sun. It became a habit of mine.

“I wouldn’t want to replace you. You’re still #1.” Then I thought for a second, and corrected my statement.

"You'll always be #1."

And just like that, my heavy feelings kind of lightened up a little. She probably heard me. I’m not quite sure what she’s telling me though?

I put the picture frame back on the nightstand and shut off my lamp.
 

The rainy Valentine’s Day didn’t bother me that much anymore. It wasn’t as lonely as I thought it would be. The empty space beside me on this bed isn’t as empty as it was.

The next time that guy asks me out, I’ll probably say yes.

I guess today’s a good start then?

Yeah.

..I’ll start from here.