You know how a glass shattering sounds? That’s what I’m hearing.

Or atleast, that’s what I think I’m hearing.

In a fraction of a second, I feel my heart shattering again, just as it did, 3 months ago.

It was similar to the feeling I had that moment before, where gravity forgot to make a memo. Everything just paused for a few split seconds, before our son cried, waking me up from my delirious pause in life. If we didn’t adopt Kyungsan, I probably just went mad. It’s him that helps me stay sane these days. A child is truly a blessing in one’s life.

I can’t shake off this feeling so easily. The memories we shared are still fresh, although the flesh of its source has started decaying. This is still hard on me.

It’s crazy how one minute, you are making all these plans and promises with someone and then the next minute, they are out of your life.  All it takes is one moment, one word or one misunderstanding to create a ridiculously large amount of doubt and pain. In my case, it’s death that took a toll on us. They say it’s easy to forget a person, but the words, feelings, and the anticipations that you two have once built stays forever. And that just simply hurts.

It’s difficult to accept that nothing lasts. But I have to accept it somehow, right?

Moving on was the only option. It was the only option and yet I refuse to compensate. At this moment, I don’t see myself moving on yet. Does anybody else feel this way towards their ex or lost loved ones? (Raise your hands up and let’s form a group. Come on, let’s huddle. No? Okay then. I’ll be here confided in my corner with Kyungsan.)

This afternoon was heavy in my heart. I wasted my day on productivity. Ironic, isn’t it? Productivity was a waste. I may be multi-tasking chores all at once, but my thoughts just lead to usually the same thing I think about when I wake up, and before I go to sleep.

 I remember when we’d used to listen to Maroon 5 songs on a rainy day.

“Nothing lasts forever but be honest, babe. It hurts but it may be the only way.”

Today, it’s raining. I’m alone on Valentine’s Day, I’ve had a sharp surge of our memories as traumatic as they were, and it’s raining hard. And did I forget to mention, we’ve just ran out of milk. Can’t this day get any worse? I can’t sleep. Milk was my saving grace. She knew that. Anyway, I need the milk to warm up my body, to help me soothe my insomniac tendencies. I can’t ask Kyungsan to go all the way to the grocery just for me. I’ll do this myself.

I peeped in his room. “Hey, honey. I’ll be off the grocery to buy something. Do you need anything?”

“No! I’m doing my homework. Please?” He fends me off, dismissing me with his hand. He was scribbling something in his notebook, and stuffing something in his backpack. Must be a boy thing, hm?

“Okay. It’ll be quick. Open the door for me when I ring the doorbell.”

“Yes, mom! Now, please? Go?”

“Alright.”