I play with the near empty glass bottle in my hand, my eyes on the two familiar faces at the park across the road. What are they doing there at this hour? From the corner of my eye, Noona taps her feet to an unknown beat only she can hear. I assume it is to some composition she’s been working on in her studio these past few days.

“How are you and Mai doing?”

I nearly drop my bottle in response to her sudden question.

“Neh?” I give her a look of confusion. Since when were Mai and I a couple? It was always her and Wooyoung, but I never really got their relationship.

“Aren’t you two together? Last time I checked...”

“Uh, Noona.”

“Mm?”

“You do know Mai went back to the States, right?”

It is her turn to look at me in confusion. “Since when? I only saw her a couple of days ago.” Mai’s back?

“Since three years ago,” I explain, “and she hasn’t been back since- well, not that I know of.”

“Hah,” is Noona’s only reply as she turns her gaze back to the silent road in front of us.

Why is she suddenly asking about me and Mai- wait, did she always think we were in a relationship? That meant she cared about me, in a way, right? Noona did seem to come to me when she was down or just bored, so that has to mean she kept up with my personal affairs and ultimately held some sort of affection for me. Of course she does, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked. Aish Lee Junho, stop being reading into things!

“So you and Mai,” Noona starts again, “weren’t ever a...couple?” She turns her head to look at me.

I shake my head, “Nah.” I reply offhandedly as I look away. My peripheral vision catches a glimpse of relief in Noona’s expression and that makes my heart quicken for a second, casting a bit of light on my theory. “Why the sudden interest?”

“No reason.” I inwardly smile at her attempt in a casual reply. There’s always a reason.

A thought suddenly crosses my mind. I was never sure if Noona ever knew about my…feelings for her but I figure now is a better time than ever to confess. You can do it Lee Junho, just take a deep breath and say ‘Renn, I like you. I can do so much more for you than Jaebeom-hyung.’ or something like that. Okay, now all I gotta do is say it. Aloud. To Noona.

“Uhh, Renn-” before I can finish my sentence a figure appears behind her and places his hands over Noona’s eyes.

“Miss me?” he whispers into her ear and I inwardly cringe at the sight. My right hand curls into a tight fist, and I have the sudden urge to bring my fist towards his face.

Noona jumps in delight and embraces him in a tight hug as he lifts her up off the chair. My nails begin to dig into my palm and I can swear it almost draws blood.

“Junho-yah, you been keeping an eye out on Renn for me?” he comes up and nudges me in the arm. All I can do is give a forced laugh and return the gesture, though I nudge him a little bit harder than necessary.

“Why else would I be here, Jay-hyung?”

He always seems to have impeccable timing. It makes me want to punch him even more.

:::

After twenty minutes, we’re finally seated at the same table, mine to be exact. Yeah, I know, we talked for that long and only now do we choose to sit together, it’s stupid but we weren’t exactly talking most of that time. I have nothing to complain about that because; I missed this- just sitting in silence, in one another’s presence. It was, comfortable. Unfortunately, sometimes it was a little too comfortable.

“Are Renn and Jay still together, or has Junho finally swooped in?” She asks with a slight tone of mockery.

I let out a small laugh, “Let’s just say, Junho’s working on it.” Mai smiles at that comment and my heart, having a mind of its own, starts pounding. I hadn’t had this feeling in a while, since Mai left actually, but I was never too fond of it.

“I take nothing much has changed over three years?” She rests her cheek on her palm while the other hand plays with the napkin holder. I recognise that gesture anywhere. Mai was nervous. She always did that when she was nervous, but I didn’t understand what she would be feeling this way about. It’s not seeing me again, is it?

“Well, Chansung still eats just as much, Fuu and Khun-hyung are still tip-toeing around each other, and if you add Taecyeon-hyung and Kass to the list, I don’t even want to think about that quartet,” I pause to think if I’ve missed anyone out, “oh, and Junsu-hyung’s recently scored a record contract.”

Mai straightens up slightly at the last piece of information, “Junsu, wow,” she moves her hand away from the napkin holder, “that guy finally got his big break.”

“Yep,” I nod, “I’m proud of him, but at the same time, really jealous. Lucky bastard.” She chuckles but stops herself when I look up at her. A tint of red is evident on her cheeks and I push down the urge to , but I don’t stop myself fast enough.

“And she still blushes.” I know I’m grinning like an idiot, but I don’t care right now. This is too good to pass up.

“Shut up.” she retorts, but she’s smiling just as much as I am.

“Make me.” I more.

“Yah, Jang Wooyoung!” Mai tries to keep a straight face but the lightness in her tone gives away her serious retort.

My heart begins to quicken and my stomach begins to do flips. These feelings I once had for Mai begin to resurface, and I’m afraid I might end up doing something I regret if this feeling doesn’t go away. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I really hope not, I can’t afford for anything to happen. Not when I know Mai won’t be sticking around for long. She’s only back for a holiday. Then why do I feel like we could actually be more than what we were before?

Before I know it, I’m inches away from her and I can feel her breath on my neck. Dammit.

:::

My hands tighten around the metal chains of the swing. I feel guilty coming out here in the middle of the night, meeting someone, another girl, that I shouldn’t be with alone, but I can’t seem to stop. My roommate will kill me if she knew I was out this late- no, she won’t kill me, he will. Fuu won’t tell Khun. She won’t.

“Taecyeon, you have to stop calling me out in the middle of the night like this.” Fuu voices out my thoughts. It scares me sometimes, how well she knows me and what I’m thinking.

“It’s not like we’re doing anything, we’re not cheating on Kass and Khun-”

“It’s just as bad, Taecyeon. Actually, it’s worse what we’re doing.”

“Then why do you agree on meeting me?” She opens to retort but nothing comes out. “That’s what I thought.”

Fuu sighs and swings back and forth on the swing. I’m not cheating, this isn’t cheating. Fuu and I are just two friends, hanging out. That’s all there is to it. Besides, I would never do this to Kass, and I can’t do this to Khun. He is one of my best friends and I know how he feels about Fuu. Taec, what have you gotten yourself into?

“Nichkhun asked me out.” Her statement catches me off guard. I don’t know why but my heart stops momentarily when she says that.

“What’d you say?” Of course I want it to be yes, but for some odd reason; I kinda want it to be a no. I’m crazy, I know.

“Yes.” My grip tightens even more around the chains, but before I can think, Fuu continues. “I figure it was time I moved on. No point going after someone who’s unavailable.” Her gaze is focused on something in the distance, and I notice the slight tremble on her bottom lip.

“Tell that to Junho.” I slip out a joke unknowingly. She laughs and it eases me a little.

“Besides, Nichkhun’s…well Nichkhun. I never realised how much I actually do like him, not until after he asked me.”

I rack my brain for something to say but all I can think of is how Fuu should’ve said no. I should be happy. Khun’s finally getting the girl he wanted. No more guys to compete against. Not that he needed to compete against me, I already have a girlfriend, and I’m happy with her.

‘You always want what you can’t have.’ Khun’s words suddenly hit me.

Ugh, I’m going crazy.