Lee Sungmin. My bandmate, my roommate, my hyung, my best friend, the one I love. I didn't know when i started falling for him. Maybe when He accepted me from the very beginning I joined in the group. Maybe when he smiled to me. Maybe when I saw how cute He was. Or maybe I falling for him already when I saw him for the very first time when manager Hyung introduced me to my new bandmates.

 

And the one think made me happy was I knew he has a feeling for me. I felt that he cared for me the most. I saw his longing gaze, spark in his eyes whenever we locked eyes. I knew how his smile for me was different from his casual smile.

 

But we never talked about our feeling with each other. We never talked about our relationship. We technically just a friend, a roommate, a best friend, and brothers. Nothing more. But we knew that we more than that to each other.

 

And i want to changed that. I wanted him to be mine, and me to be his. I wanted to knew for sure where we stand in this relationship. So i decided to talk with him about our relationship. To asked him to be my boyfriend.

 

<<<<<<<<<<~~~~~>>>>>>>>>>

 

"Hyung, i want to talk with you." I said when i saw him entered our room. Just came back from his schedule.

 

"What is it? Why so serious?" He asked as he sit in my bed.

 

"Will you be my boyfriend?" I asked him bluntly.

 

"WHAT?!" He exclaimed. Shocked.

 

"Will you be my boyfriend?" I repeated.

 

He visibly paled. "Sorry Kyu, but I can't. You are a man. I am a man. We are not supposed to be together."

 

"Why?" I stared at him.

 

"Man supposed to be with a woman. That how we supposed to. That is what they expected from us." He said.

 

"Who are they?"

 

"People. Community. Our friends. Our family. Everyone." I could hear his voice cracked.

 

"Who care what they expected! Who care what the said! All that matter is our feeling hyung! All that matter is what i feel and what you feel!" I practically shouted at him.

 

"I'm sorry Kyu, but i can't. I'm sorry..." He said, set his eyes everywhere, but at me.

 

"Aren't you love me Hyung?"  I whispered to him.

 

"I do love you Kyu. But i can't be your boyfriend. I can't afford to make my parents disappointed of me. I can't bear to embarrassed them, to make them ashamed. I'm sorry..." 

 

"Please Hyung... I know you want it as much as i do..." I practically begged him.

 

"But i can't! Can't you understand that? I can't! This will affect everyone around us Kyu! They will be judged because of us!" He snapped.

 

"We can do it secretly if that what you want. We won't tell anyone.  But i need you Hyung."

 

"That will hurt you, that just will make you sad. You will never be truly happy like that."

 

"I don't care! I don't care I will get hurt! I just can't do it anymore Hyung! I can't pretend i feel nothing. I can't pretend I don't know what you feel! I can't pretend we feel nothing to each other! If you want we hide our relationship, so be it. But don't reject me Hyung... Don't deny your feeling."

 

He just stared at me. And then he walked away. Leave me alone in our room just like that. He didn't came back that night.

 

<<<<<<<<<<~~~~~>>>>>>>>>>

 

A week passed already since that night. He clearly avoiding me. Whenever we in a room together, He would made sure He was not alone. He would always be with other members so i couldn't just come to him and talked about 'that'.

 

Oh, He still slept in our shared room. He just made sure to came back after i fall asleep, or he would sleep before i came back. Same with the morning. He would wake up before me, and often leave dorm even before i wake up.

 

And maybe, all that effort to avoiding me cut some of his sleeping time and made him more tired than usual. I guess that lack of sleep really started take a toll of him. And that why i found him still sleeping soundly when i wake up this morning.

 

There was no way i would let him avoiding me again now. Not before I talked to Him. So, I waited for Him to wake up and just watching Him sleeping.

 

After about half an hour, He stirring from his sleep. His eyes fluttered, and when He saw me sit here, watching Him, He immediately get up.

 

"Morning Kyu." He said and almost ran to the door before I gripped His wrist.  

 

"We need to talk Hyung." I said flatly.

 

He just stared at me awkwardly. "I need time Kyu. Lets talk later. Let me think a little more."

 

"Promise me, you won't avoiding me anymore. Promise me, we will talk about 'that' today." I said.

 

"I promise..." 

 

"Okay..." And I let Him go.

 

<<<<<<<<<<~~~~~>>>>>>>>>>

 

I was playing Starcraft, and kind of daydreaming when He came back. He was out from this morning even though today was our day off. He came near me, and sit on my bed.

 

"Kyu..." He called me.

 

"Hmm?" I hummed. Didn't know what to say when finally He decided to talked things through and not just shrugged it off.

 

"You really want it? You really want us to be in relationship? Even if We must do it secretly? Even if we must deny it in front of other people?"

 

"Yes." I answered shortly. 

 

"Why?" 

 

"Because I love you Hyung. I want you, and I can't be just your brother, your best friend, or your roommate. Not when i know you feel the same. Even if i can be your boyfriend, your lover, just when we are alone, that's enough for me." I told Him softly.

 

"Okay then, We can be lover when we are alone. When we are in this room, or when we do fanservice." He said. 

 

And he smiled. But I knew, he was sad. He was torn between what he was and what people expected him to be. And I knew there was no way he would let down and disappointed his parent, his family, and his friends. He was a good boy who always think of others before himself, and he will always be. Even if that meant he would get hurt to pleased them.