Regret

            -To feel disappointed or distressed about

            -A sense of loss or expression of grief

            -A feeling of sorrow

Cho Kyuhyun was standing there, not speaking a word nor doing anything else, just hiding on one of the corner of the church, went unnoticed by the wild crowd of people in front of him. He blinked; his long eye lashes covered his cold and tired eyes. There were dark bags under his eyes and those eyes were kind of puffy and red, like he didn’t sleep last night and cried his eyes out instead.

He bit his lips frozen dull lips, dawning blood from them but he doesn’t care. The pain from his lips doesn’t compare to the pain he was feeling in his chest, right through his heart. He balled up his fist, knuckles turning white as waves of emotions crawled through his body, almost suffocating him. Suddenly he found it hard to breathe; he bit his lips harder, balled up his fist tighter as he forced himself not to cry, not to shed tears but the feeling was overwhelming and it defeated him. He lost to stabbing pain that he felt in his heart. He let the tears fall. He cried. He cried silently, no sound just tears. He just let the tears fell from under his eyes.

He let his teary eyes wandered around, watching how the people kept smiling, laughing, talking, bickering. It kind of bothered him. It was obvious that people were excited on what was about to happen and that they undeniably happy…but him? Kyuhyun wasn’t happy. He was feeling the exact opposite. Though he knew that it was selfish of him to feel this way he couldn’t help it. He knew he should be happy, that he should feel excited just like everyone else and that he should have a smile painted on his face not him, crying his eyes out. But could you blame him? His first love, his life, his everything was going to someone else and he couldn’t do anything about it. Because there was no denying that it was partly his fault. If he hadn’t been so goddamn stupid then maybe he will still be here, he will still be his, he will still be in love with him. He, Lee Sungmin, Kyuhyun’s first love and probably will be the last will still be standing by his side as they waited for their own happy ending.

But no

Kyuhyun had to make a mistake and ruined their happy ending of course.

“Sungmin…” Kyuhyun whispered, silent tears still falling…

“Tell me you’re kidding.” Sungmin was obviously crying as he said this, looking at Kyuhyun with hopeful eyes, silently wishing that the latter will say yes and tell him that it was just a joke. A painful joke but a joke nonetheless for he doesn’t know what to do if his lover said otherwise

Kyuhyun said nothing, letting the silence answered Sungmin’s question. He was ashamed to answer anyway, he doesn’t want to hurt Sungmin but he knew he would eventually so he just let the wings of silence overwhelm them. Though the serenity of the said noiselessness moment didn’t last long as Sungmin’s pained voice pierced through the air

“You can’t do this to me,” said Sungmin, shouting at top of his lungs when he heard no response from his lover. As finally, realization dawned upon him. And that Kyuhyun was perfectly honest on what he just said, “You can’t leave me here. You promised me, Kyuhyun.” He added, crying more immensely now. “You promised me!”

Now, Kyuhyun was feeling guiltier. Truthfully, he doesn’t really want to do this to Sungmin. He doesn’t really want to see Sungmin unhappy or hurt especially if it’s because of him but he doesn’t have a choice. He got to do this.

No.

Kyuhyun had a choice, he just chose to hurt his Sungmin for his own good. Kyuhyun knew he was being selfish yet it doesn’t stop him from hurting his lover

“I’m really sorry. It hurts me as well but I’m-“Kyuhyun tried to finish his sentence but was cut off in mid word by someone, and that someone was obviously Sungmin.

The latter looked at him with pained expression, tears falling from under his eyes at a fast rate. His voice was strained and muffled, probably because he was crying.

“But what? Why are you breaking your promise?” shouted Sungmin, getting hysterical at this point. “Tell me why,” he demanded his voice now kind of soft.

“Because…because…” Kyuhyun started, contemplating on how to tell his reason to Sungmin without hurting the latter, even though part of him was telling him that Sungmin was hurt enough at this point.  “Because there’s more opportunity in Seoul rather than here, Sungmin,” he said, looking expectantly at the latter, sighing he decided to continue talking, “You know I wanted to be successful singer. It’s my dream, Sungmin,” he added, “I want to fulfill my dream,” Kyuhyun finished, looking almost ashamed and yet determination was showing in the depth of his eyes.

As those words dawned upon Sungmin’s hearing, he finally realized it. And at that moment, it finally hit Sungmin. “Your dream?” he whispered almost inaudible but Kyuhyun still heard it. The latter nodded, “My dream,” he muttered.

And yes, Sungmin knew it. Kyuhyun was choosing his dream over him. Sungmin didn’t say another word. Though it was hard for him to accept that Kyuhyun was really choosing his dream over him, he couldn’t do a thing about it. He doesn’t own Kyuhyun. And he doesn’t have the right to tell him what to do. More importantly, Kyuhyun wanted this. Kyuhyun dreamt of this so he doesn’t want to be selfish and demand Kyuhyun not to pursue his dream but that doesn’t mean that it was alright with Sungmin.

Actually, it still hurt Sungmin and he detested the very idea of Kyuhyun leaving him but he knew that he doesn’t stand a chance over Kyuhyun’s dream.

Kyuhyun was watching Sungmin, half worried for the latter stayed silent. Kyuhyun too didn’t even like the idea of leaving his Sungmin. If it was Kyuhyun’s way, he would take Sungmin with him. But that thought was too much. His uncle barely accepted his presence and agreed to take him into his own apartment. Two would be too much and besides, Kyuhyun doubted that Sungmin’s parents would let their only son go and live in Seoul with his boyfriend. That would be asking for too much.

Minutes passed and still the two stayed silent. As if both would waiting for each other to speak first. Kyuhyun decided, he would be the one to do it so. 

Gathering all of his voice, Kyuhyun opened his mouth and looked up to Sungmin, who was still had a pained and sad expression draw on his pretty face, “But I’ll be back, Sungmin.” Kyuhyun’s voice was too low, even Kyuhyun found it hard to hear himself but it had managed to grabbed Sungmin’s attention none the less, the latter looked up to him, a heavenly frown decorating his face, “

“I’ll be back for you,” said Kyuhyun, “I promise I’ll be back. You just need to wait for me. I’ll even visit-“

Sungmin snorted at Kyuhyun’s words as he cut off the latter’s speech, “Don’t bother,” he said, tears already stopped from falling, his face was now calm. “It’s okay. I understand. Your dreams are more important than me. I get that,” he added, eyes no longer glaring daggers nor looking painful at Kyuhyun but still held some mysterious emotion on it. It kind of made Kyuhyun felt weird. “No need for silly promises.”

Kyuhyun blinked his eyes at what he heard, “Sungmin…what are you…I mean, what you are trying to say?”

Sungmin sighed, turning around so that his back was facing Kyuhyun, and then he let another sigh escaped his lips again as he glance forward, looking at the sceneries before him.

 “I mean don’t bother anymore.” Sungmin said, voice held no emotion whatsoever and the fact that Kyuhyun couldn’t see his face as he said this bothered the latter

“Don’t bother?” asked Kyuhyun, clearly confused at what he just heard. Even though some part of him knew exactly what Sungmin was trying to say,

“I know your dreams are important. It’s more important than me.” Sungmin said, still looking faraway, back still facing Kyuhyun.

“It’s not like that, Min. I just…” Kyuhyun started though he couldn’t finish it. He knew that Sungmin got a point for ever thinking that his dream was more important than Sungmin himself because here he was now, ready to leave Sungmin for the sake of fulfilling his dreams. So what excuse could he say to him?

“You just decided to leave me here and go to Seoul to pursue your dream. That’s what you’re doing.” Sungmin finished Kyuhyun’s sentence himself as he slowly turned around and looked at the latter.

Kyuhyun glanced back at him, he bit his lips as he looked at Sungmin’s face, and the latter sure knew how to control his emotions. It was almost unbelievable that minutes earlier, Sungmin was crying in front of him and now here he was, looking at him with a blank face.

But Kyuhyun knew better, the cold stare and blank face Sungmin was giving him was just a mask for what he was truly feeling at the moment. Kyuhyun opened his face and tried to speak but Sungmin beat him into that.

“After this conversation, I will forget about you,” said Sungmin with determination on his voice. “I will forget I ever met you. I will forget that I ever love you. I think it’s for the best if I just stop thinking about you and continue my life obviously, without you.” Sungmin almost whispered the last part.

“Sungmin…” Kyuhyun muttered, “Why are you…?” he couldn’t finish his question but Sungmin answered him nonetheless.

“It will just increase the pain if I continue loving you, don’t you think? I, surely, wasn’t important to you as you are to me,” he said as a matter of fact-ly.

“Sungmin, I told you I’ll be back!” Kyuhyun almost shouted. He doesn’t understand why Sungmin was doing this, he already told the latter that he would be back so why he was doing this? He truly doesn’t understand the logic behind Sungmin’s words.

“And I told you don’t bother!,“ answered Sungmin with the same volume of Kyuhyun’s voice earlier, “It’s okay even if you don’t come back,” said Sungmin, lowering his voice a little “I can take care of myself. I’m better off without you anyway. I’m better off without someone who can easily let go of me.”

“I’m not letting you go,” replied Kyuhyun, sighing a little.

Sungmin smiled sadly at him, “But you’re leaving me. It’s practically the same.”

And for once, Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to say. He just continued to stare at Sungmin, half of him doesn’t believe what Sungmin was saying but half of him was feeling worried, nervous and hurt at the same time.

“Maybe it’s the last time I’ll let myself say this.” Sungmin took a deep breath before opening his lips again, “I love you, Kyuhyun,” he said, smiling sadly

“Ming…”

“Just remember this; you’re the one who left me. And don’t expect that when you came back, I’ll still be here.” Sungmin said,  “And I hope that someday, you won’t regret this” he added and then he turned around again, this time with no intention of ever looking back.

Kyuhyun remembered after their encounter that night. He actually began to ask himself if he really wanted to leave Sungmin. If losing Sungmin was really worth it to attain his dream. Obviously, there was only one way to find out.

After Kyuhyun got to Seoul, he immediately raided all of sort of Entertainment companies and auditioned for a position of singer. In six months time, Kyuhyun’s effort was paid for one popular entertainment accepted him as a trainee and soon after that, Kyuhyun made his official debut. With his good looks and undeniably good voice, it wasn’t really hard for him to capture the people’s heart.

And now, he was already a not only a popular singer but also a successful one. His dream came true. And for some time, he felt satisfaction. He felt happy for himself. He felt proud. But sometimes, late at night when he thought of what he left behind, he still felt like it wasn’t enough. Like there’s something missing.

And Kyuhyun doesn’t need to be a genius to found out what was missing. It was Sungmin. Now that he made it to the top. Now that his dream came true, now that he doesn’t have anything else to do. His mind travelled back to his old province, thinking what would happen if hadn’t left. Thinking of what he was now if didn’t chose his dream over Sungmin

His dream

Was his dream was worth more than Sungmin?

Before, Kyuhyun decided that yes, it was necessary but now he doesn’t know anymore. Sungmin was always on his head to the point that he couldn’t stop himself from booking a flight back to where Sungmin was. Though Kyuhyun knew what Sungmin said that night.

“And I told you don’t bother. It’s okay even if you don’t come back,”

“Just remember this, you’re the one who left me. And don’t expect that when you came back, I’ll still be here.”

He doesn’t care about it one bit; all he wanted to do was to see Sungmin.

But what he doesn’t know was that, Sungmin was already happy and contented on his own way. And he, Sungmin doesn’t want anything to do with Kyuhyun ever again and that he, Sungmin already moved on and was going to get married…

Kyuhyun just got back to his province and almost everyone seemed happy and proud for him. Familiar faces greeted him as was walking down the alley of his once neighborhood. He saw almost everyone he knew, he saw his friends, Ryeowook, Yesung, Shindong and his trouble maker hyung, Heechul. He already saw even Sungmin’s parents. But he saw no Sungmin.

Talking to his friends at a café, sitting on a rather uncomfortable chair, Kyuhyun suddenly asked about Sungmin, “So, where’s Sungmin?”

At his question, all of his friends suddenly became silent, as if they were afraid to answer his question.

Getting worried at this, Kyuhyun decided to ask again, “Where’s Sungmin? Why I hadn’t seen him anywhere?”

Heechul, feeling like he should answer Kyuhyun this time, opened his mouth “He’s busy,” he stated,

Feeling that there’s more into it, Kyuhyun asked a different question, “Why he’s busy? What he’s up to?”

Heechul looked at Ryeowook, Yesung and Shindong. As if asking one of them to answer Kyuhyun’s question.

Ryeowook, feeling that they should tell the truth to Kyuhyun, bit his lips and answered the latter’s question, “He’s busy over the preparation of his wedding,” Ryeowook whispered the last part, “Two months after you leave, he met this guy named Yunho and the latter courted Sungmin for a few weeks and then they got into a relationship. Just last month, Yunho asked Sungmin to get married and he said yes and…” Ryeowook decided to tell everything to Kyuhyun for he knew that Kyuhyun and Sungmin was an item before and that they both love each other.

But Kyuhyun stopped listening after he heard the wedding part. His mind gone blank at the thought that Sungmin was getting married to someone else besides him

Finally noticing his blank expression, “Kyuhyun, are you alright?” Ryeowook asked him worriedly,

‘I’m not’ answered wanted to answer but couldn’t find his voice to do so.

The sound of an orchestra playing rendered Kyuhyun’s flashbacks as he looked around to saw that the wedding was about to start. He shook his head as he slowly made his way out of the church, yes, he wanted to see Sungmin that’s why he went to the church in the first place but now, he changed his mind. For he knew that it will only hurt him more to see Sungmin in the arms of someone else

Once out of the church, Kyuhyun doesn’t look back at the sight behind him and just continued walking towards his car. With no intention of ever going back to this place again, Kyuhyun started his car and drove away.

Minutes later, Kyuhyun’s tears started falling again, finally alone, Kyuhyun cried loud this time, finally letting his emotions broke free from his chest though it doesn’t really kill the pain he was feeling, it still help him cope up.

Sungmin’s voice once again filled his head.

“But you’re leaving me. It’s practically the same.”

‘If I only made a different choice, Sungmin’

“I love you, Kyuhyun,”

‘Maybe I can still hear you say that you love me’

“And I hope that someday, you won’t regret this”

 ‘Maybe you’re laughing at me now, Ming. For now all I feel is regret.’

If only he hadn’t been stupid…

“Neh, Kyu?”

“Hmm?”

“Someday, I wanted to get married with you.” Sungmin said as he happily cuddled up with Kyuhyun,

If only he made the right choice…

Kyuhyun smiled at what he heard, “Really?” he asked

“Yes, of course. I love you. You’re the only one I want to marry.”

If only he hadn’t been selfish…

Chuckling a little, Kyuhyun wrapped his arms around Sungmin and leaned unto the latter, “Me too. You’re the only one I want to marry.” Kyuhyun replied, whispering those words into Sungmin’s ear, earning himself a giggle from the latter.

“I want a church wedding. And the color motif is baby pink and white. I want pink rose and cute little ring bearers. I’m sure Heechul hyung would like to be the maid of honor and Yesung would be the best man. Our friends and everyone we knew will be there to witness us in holy matrimony.”

If only he realized that his Sungmin was more important more than anything in this world…

Kyuhyun stayed silent and just listened to his lover,

“And after our wedding, we will go to Rome for our honeymoon. I really like to go there but if you want some other place, it’s okay for me. I’m okay as long as we’re together.”

If only…

Kyuhyun just nodded, still smiling anyway

“And after that, we will go back here. I’ll be a very loyal and faithful wife to you and you will be my ever so loving husband. And then when we were ready, we’re going to adopt babies. Yes, babies. I want two babies, one a girl and the other is a boy. Then we will build our dream house and together, we were made our happy ending, watching over the kids and….”

If only…

‘If I can turn back the time

I’ll choose you’