TITLE – 3/5

It’s so-so, I guess. There’s a nice ring to it, and it hints at a story with a lot of angst, and maybe a bit of yearning. However, it lacks an undercurrent of excitement or mystery, so you don’t get full marks.

FOREWORD and DESCRIPTION – 2/5

“A story of a girl who meets the Boy of her dreams. What happens if he loves someone else and not her?"

This has got to be one of the shortest descriptions I have ever seen! *laughs* Which is not entirely a bad thing, of course. Still, if you prefer it short, then it needs to pack a punch. To pack a punch, it’s best to have a few of these elements: suspense/mystery, action, thrill, angst, drama, comedy, etc etc. The question does well to provide some suspense, and maybe your story hints at angst, but that’s about it.

You lost some points for putting up the biography/description/watchamacallit of the characters. Firstly, it’s not professional, and readers may actually be turned off by it. It’s like putting a sign on your front door saying “This is going to be an awesome party! But no dancing is allowed, parents must accompany anyone under 18, and it ends before 8.” Get what I mean?

You see, if any writer resorts to putting up a description of the characters, he’s letting everyone think that he is incapable of portraying the characters using the content in his story. It’s an indication that he can’t paint an image of the characters without using photos, it shows that he isn’t good with words, it means that he may not be a good writer.

Besides, readers enjoy a story that uses words to form solid, real figures of the characters. It’s a more professional and beautiful approach.

Instead of saying “This is Mina. She’s shy.” You could use your skills with words to show her shyness, maybe via her actions, or her thoughts, or her speech, or even the way she dresses, the way she walks.

Your foreword is okay. It gives us a glimpse of the story and that’s all that matters.

LANGUAGE USE – 12 /30

I’m going to list some pointers, starting from the simple ones to the more complicated ones.

1. The spelling is quite horrible. Solve this by using Microsoft Word and/or Spell Check. Problem solved.

2. The punctuation is also quite horrible. You can use Microsoft Word for this, too, but Microsoft Word doesn’t watch out for everything. Here are your mistakes for punctuation:

- Apostrophes. (The ’) They are important. They can be used to indicate where two words have been combined. For example, “He is” can be combined into “He’s”, instead of the “Hes” you keep using. Same goes for “I am = I’m”, “can not = “can’t”, etc.

- Commas. Your thoughts must be followed by commas, and same for your speech.

   Correct: Piglet ate Eeyore’s tail, I/she/he thought.

   Yours: Piglet ate Eeyore’s tail. I/She/He thought.

   The comma is used to link sentences together. By linking “Piglet ate Eeyore’s tail” with “I/she/he thought”, we know that “Piglet ate Eeyore’s tail” was a thought, and not just some statement.

   Same goes for speech.

   Correct: “Hey, it’s a talking muffin,” the mushroom whispered.

   Yours: “Hey, it’s a talking muffin.” The mushroom whispered.

   Seeing that you use capital letters for “The”, you probably think that the speech must be a complete sentence. That’s true only if the person is yelling or asking (i.e. when the speech ends with a “!” or a “?”), otherwise transform the full-stop into a comma and link the speech with the sentence behind it.

- You need to understand the importance of starting with a new paragraph.

  A new paragraph shows a major change in scenes. It could be as big as the passing of centuries, a change in place, or as simple as looking from one person’s face to another.

   And why do you need to signify these changes? It’s to make your story more fluent. If possible, allow your readers to read your story as if they were watching a movie. Every time the camera moves, let your reader know. One way to let your reader know is by starting a new paragraph. For example:

   Harry jumped up from his chair. “I’m not a nerd!”

   [Ooh, look, a new paragraph! In the reader’s mind the camera moves to somewhere else. Maybe to Ron’s face?]

   “Oh yeah? Well I say you are, you bloody orphan!"

   [Another paragraph! The scene moves. Maybe we’re looking at Harry now.]

   “What did you just call me?” He shook with anger.

   [Move again.]

  “I called you a bloody orphan,” accused the boy. “You nerdy, geeky, moron!”

   Compare this to:

   Harry jumped up from his chair. “I’m not a nerd!” “Oh yeah? Well I say you are one, you bloody orphan!”“What did you just call me?” He shook with anger. “I called you a bloody orphan,” accused the boy. “You nerdy, geeky, moron!”

  Is the first easier to read?

3. “-.- Wimps.”

No emoticons allowed. At all.

4. You like to capitalize randomly, like “Parents”, “Family”, and even “Boy of her dreams”. You only do so when you start a new sentence, or when you are using a title, or a name.

- Starting a new sentence (I think you know this): She was mean. She was mean as hell.

- Using titles: The Commander bowed down to the Queen of Hearts. “My Queen,” he murmured. “The Lord-Of-All-Evil wishes to speak to the King.”

- For names (You know this too): “Amy, Natalie is here,” called Jessie.

  Unless you consider “parent”, “family” or “boy” a title, do not capitalize them.

5. “Mina’s POV”

Aww! You started your story with one of the most sinister words ever – the “POV”. Switching between POVs is not good. It’s like you’re watching television, but your sister keeps switching the channels. Just when you’re getting cozy and used to one POV, you suddenly have to change. It’s quite unnerving, and sometimes very irritating. 

Stick to one, and stay with one, or go with the third person’s POV (in other words, the “Nobody’s POV”). You can still describe everything and everyone’s emotions with either. Consistency is important.

6. “I bawled my eyes out.”

I don’t know if you think the same way as I do, but “bawling” is a very… ungraceful word, especially if you bawl your eyes out. Bawling is more wailing than crying, and wailing isn’t very glamorous. Try not to use such unglamorous words. They make the reader cringe when they picture it in their mind, rather than sob along with the character. If you “sobbed your heart out”, it would be nicer.

PLOT – 10/30

This is not, I swear, this is not the first, nor even the hundredth time I have seen a plot like this. In fact, I think there was one story that was recently featured with almost the same plot in her title, “My Best Friend, My Crush, or My Enemy?” (… something like that.) Be honest with yourself… Did you get the idea for this by compiling all that you know from Korean dramas? From the part about L.Joe realizing his love for Mina only after Mina left, to the part about Dongwoon leaving the country, almost everything about the story, really, was cliché.

I won’t touch on the logic part because it would have seemed logical since everyone keeps using the same old plot, even if it wasn’t.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT – 15/30

I didn’t give you high marks because the only character I could truly see was Mina’s, but I didn’t fail you because you at least portrayed one of the characters.

Still, your portrayal of Mina didn’t really impress, because it is a very cliché character. It’s the usual soft-inside-hard-outside “lobster” girl. She’s even clumsy, oh god, and rich, too. The only thing you forgot to do was make her wincingly smart.

I suggest you read “Relentless Love”, the story I reviewed in the chapter before this. Her character development is stunning. You can also read the review if you want to know how she did it. You character development passes, but it can be improved on.

OTHERS:

"I really missed you though. Mina..I missed you more than a bestfriend." Dongwoon said and suddenly stopped walking.

I stared at him.

"I missed you too..not like a bestfriend.." "Like a lover?" Dongwoon finished my sentence and he kissed me.

It was a kiss fulfilled with passion, desire, needs, love, and fire.

WOAH.

You can’t just grab people and kiss them without any confirmation of her love.

Throughout the story I could see that she was torn between Dongwoong and L.Joe. Shouldn’t she retaliate, or at least hesitate when he kisses her?

Instead, the kiss was “fulfilled (I think you meant filled) with passion, desire, needs (this should be need/yearning, by the way), love, and (all of a sudden) fire.”

Why fire? What significance does fire hold in your story? Or is it just to enrich the experience of being kissed?

The kiss was too sudden for the reader to feel the “love” and “fire”. Maybe you could take it slow, and describe it more. I don’t know, like:

“I missed you too… not just as a best friend,” I admitted, slowing down my footsteps and turning to face Dongwoon. He stared at me, his eyes ablaze with something I could not decipher.

“Then, as a what?” He pressed, leaning closer to me as he did.

“Um… As a…” I hesitated. He chuckled, cupped my cheek and pulled my face closer. My heart starting racing as I stared up at him, and heat crawled up my cheeks.

“As a what, Mina?” He whispered, his voice deepened with longing.

“I don’t know… maybe as a… a…”

 “As a lover?” He finished my sentence before leaning even closer.

(Now you may say,) It was a kiss fulfilled with passion, desire, needs, love, and fire.

By using words like “ablaze” and “heat”, you introduced the element of warmth before they kissed, so that the “fire” in their kiss doesn’t just spring out from nowhere. By using words such as “longing”, you make the transition into “passion” and “desire” smoother.

Yup!

Okay, let’s see. I like the way you kept things on a mellow note. It fits in with the title of “Forever or Never”. What I don’t like is all that I wrote in here. But they are mostly errors due to laziness and can be fixed. Some is just a matter of ironing things out, others is because the concept hasn’t been grasped yet. Perhaps you can read some of the stuff in here, take note of what impresses you, and try to achieve them. If you want, ask me anything, and I’ll try to give you the most professional help I can.

^-^ Good luck!

imsosofia

42/100 (It’s not bad, cos I’m a nit-picking reviewer. Hehe.)