1. [ +301 - 35 ] Where has Chen been?

2. [ +301 - 105 ] Should have known this would happen. EXO just can’t compete with other rookie bands, especially with bands like BAP, C-Clown, or even BTOB who have already had more than one comeback and have been able to stay strong with every release. They can’t even get their members’ together, it’s been a year, they should be more than ready. Because all I can say is that EXO officially and can’t take the heat.

3. [ +245 - 21 ] Is he leaving EXO?

4. [ +187 - 37 ] Is there something going on with him?

5. [ +167 - 14 ] He shouldn’t be an idol any more, he’s a disgrace, especially if he can’t keep up with this second comeback. Barely a show in and he’s lip syncing, he shouldn’t be relying on lip syncing anymore, they’re idols, not puppets. And don’t even mention the fact that he hasn’t been to practices or appearances. What a disgrace.

6. [ +150 - 13 ] Such irresponsibility on his behalf...

With the laptop screen being the only source of light in the dark and misty room, the screen was the only thing that Jongdae could focus on as the other members were out doing comeback activities without him. As for him, he was stuck in the dorm, confined to his shared bedroom, and forced into bedrest until his next doctor’s appointment by both Joonmyun’s and Kris’ orders. The two leaders were more than worried about Jongdae’s diagnosis that they didn’t want the boy to be doing anything that could potentially make things worse, especially since it had taken weeks for Jongdae to speak up about how much pain he had been in while he was still obviously thinking that the pain would go away on its own.

However, being forced to stay in his bed and doing things that didn’t require him to speak and more importantly, sing made him feel even more imprisoned than before, he couldn’t think of a punishment worse than not being able to express himself through his voice. Jongdae had found himself more than bored on many occasions or genuinely feeling terrible about letting his friends, family and the fans down because he was too ill to do anything but sleep or stay in bed. In total, this led him to use his computer to check up on how the others were doing and how the fans were taking the comeback, only to feel much worse about everything that had happened within the last couple of days. Those netizen comments were easily tearing apart his already damaged spirit.

Every word that came to his eyes felt as if they were being shoved down his still painfully swollen throat, barbed with malice or just simply coated with the toxic slime of curiosity. It made him feel sick, and Jongdae knew he shouldn’t be reading them, but he couldn’t stop, unable to help himself from letting his eyes continue downwards, his finger automatically scrolling down the page of comments, following everything that was being said. He knew that he shouldn’t be taking what was being said online to heart, but there they were, just ready to stab him in the chest and twist painfully until they were embedded so deep that it would take a miracle to drag them out.

They were just fans, ordinary people who didn’t know what he was going through, some obviously confused by his absence, while others were outraged at his ‘irresponsibility’ and ‘letting the band’ down. All they could do was assume and say what they wanted to say, even though they didn’t know anything about him or what was going on. But their words continued to act like knives, and he couldn’t help but ask: why did it hurt so much?

Then the page slowly reached the end, no more comments for him to read any longer on that post, knowing that their words were just the beginning. Because even though one post’s worth of comments were finished, there were certainly more pages to look at, and look he did.

Jongdae couldn’t exactly say that it was torture to continue reading, but it was more like a terrible drug that he couldn’t pull himself away from. With every word, he felt himself in deeper and deeper, the horror of what he was doing to the band being painfully obvious, even though he was unable to do anything about it. So caught up in the words that were pulling him in, he didn’t even hear the quiet knocking on the door at first, not until the action was repeated again, several more times until it forced him to slowly drag his head away from the screen. Giving a quiet sigh that felt as if he now held the weight of the world on his shoulders, the singer closed the laptop and quickly pulled himself together to open the door to the expectant face of one of his managers.

“Jongdae-yah, come on. Let’s watch the live performance of your group mates,” the man tried to cheerfully say, carving out a strained smile from the stress lining his forehead as he lightly tugged on the boy’s arm. Jongdae simply complied, feeling as if the energy was completely out of him at that moment, he could feel his legs following along obediently to sit down without a thought on their couch.

His eyes unseeing at the moment, he could only stare blankly at the large flat screen in front of him, even as he could hear their 3rd album’s cover song boom out from the speakers and his group mates already in their formation onstage. Noticing that little gap in the back, the open place where he should be, ready to sing and dance with the others, he felt anxiety run through him. He shouldn’t be sitting at their dorm like this, feeling powerless, but knowing that he was unable to do a single thing about it. The feeling never left as he noticed for the rest of the song that when the members broke out into their separated formation, beginning the difficult choreography they had been practicing for months, he always noticed the empty space, the band unable to fill that position, his position...

When Jongdae thought that was bad enough, it didn’t compare to how he felt as soon as his part of the song started and instead of him singing a part that was supposed to be his, he could hear Baekhyun trying to cover for it. Now, even though Baekhyun might be one of his best friends, the boy couldn’t help but feel a spark of resentment in him. Even worse was when he clearly noticed the section of the song where he was supposed to let his voice rise above the main melody, Baekhyun was falling just a bit short of reaching those notes that came so easily to him. It was painfully and obviously apparent to him that Baekhyun just couldn’t reach that high C, voice cracking from the strain of it.

Wincing a bit at the sound, the singer knew it wasn’t just him that had to have noticed the slip up, but the fans had as well. The differences between him and Baekhyun were clearly being shown in the performance that Jongdae couldn’t help but feel shame at not being able to be there.

Jongdae was one of the main vocals and more importantly, he was the only person that could consistently reach those high notes needed in most of their songs. It didn’t matter that Kyungsoo, Luhan, and Baekhyun were strong singers themselves, but all of them were usually unable to reach the register he had to sing comfortably. They could do it, but they were never as consistent as he was, and watching the performance now, it was even more apparent and painful to realize it.

Clenching his hands into fists, fingernails digging into his palms, Jongdae continued to watch the rest of the show in agonizing silence. Carefully watching other bands like VIXX, B.A.P, and C-Clown doing quite well in their respective performances, it made it seem as if EXO’s stage was lackluster and sounded horrendous compared to them, especially B.A.P’s.

Seeing Daehyun easily hit those high notes with what seemed to be of the uttermost ease, high notes that Jongdae would have been able to get with no problem, he couldn’t help but notice that Daehyun was going to be claimed as one of K-Pop’s best singers soon with his talent being something quite admirable. He had quite a wide range and his voice sounded crystal clear whenever he sang, hitting those high F and G notes flawlessly. Every performance they had, Daehyun and the other members of B.A.P gave their best every week, and that week it was no different. Compare this to how EXO had done on their performance this time and it made Jongdae feel so deeply ashamed as if he was there with them right there on the stage.

Feeling terrible by the end of the show with fingernails dug into his skin so deep they left red, crescent marks that would most likely hurt later, he knew that things weren’t going to be good tonight. He could already taste of ridicule and hate on his tongue, his throat burning at the thought of another round of netizen comments, this time not going after him, but Baekhyun and EXO too.

He didn’t want to think about how awful they would be, but after seeing their performance compared to the others and knowing that they could have done better especially if he had been there, he found himself slinking off to his room with a mind in a turbulent mess of emotions as he sat on his bed and booted up his laptop once more. Quickly finding the site he had been using before, he couldn’t help but close his eyes and take a deep breath to steel his nerves before checking the list of comments, every word shaking him to the core.

1. [ + 468 - 78 ] EXO was beyond terrible tonight without Chen, not only was his lack of presence noticeable, but even everyone else performed as if they were zombies or something. If missing one member has shaken them this much, then they should have never debuted and spent a bit more time in the practice rooms. Chen may be a good singer, but he can’t be the sole member to carry the rest of the members.

2. [ +389 - 57 ] EXO was beyond terrible today, while BAP and VIXX rocked it. If these are the type of groups that SM will be bringing in the future, it’s just a matter of time until SM is kicked from their throne.

3. [ +299 - 178 ] Who ever thought that Baekhyun could ever pull off the same register as Chen should be shot. Worst performance to date and better yet, where the hell is Chen?

4. [ +179 - 35 ] Looks like Chen couldn’t take the heat again, will this be another Kris?

5. [ + 132 - 46 ] Chen should be ashamed of himself, he could have at least lip synced to the music and give us a performance instead of letting down the fans again...

36. [ +56 - 7 ] group. singers. Chen should just crawl in a hole and die, maybe it’ll save himself from the storm that EXO gave today.

His thoughts about EXO’s performance had been correct, but with the way netizens twisted everything that happened into something much worse, Jongdae found himself almost slamming the laptop shut, but continued to brave it out and continued to read on. Words of disgust and animosity were in at least ninety percent of the comments, all of them commenting on Baekhyun’s lack of talent, EXO’s dull performance, the void created from his absence, and/or how EXO should just disband.

Even Kris was mentioned a few times, his leadership skills put in question again as some people were still pissed off about his disappearance and trip back to Canada with many of them thinking that the leader had been running away from his responsibilities as a leader. And since Jongdae was usually put under his jurisdiction, since he was in M instead of K when split up, the harsh words were even worse than they had been months ago as they were now slapping that same label on him too. Jongdae just hoped that Kris never saw them, because even though Kris was good at ignoring negative comments, the younger boy knew how hard Kris took them the first time, probably reliving some of his trainee days under SM.

The company had easily making him doubt his worth on more than one occasion, SM going so far to try and instill how useless he was compared to many of the other trainees, how he was lucky that he had just enough language skills and natural good looks to put him into EXO. Otherwise to them, he was rather talentless compared to many others, something that still haunted Kris to this day, and something that made Jongdae and the other EXO members’ blood boil whenever someone stated their dislike of the tallest member, knowing that he deserved none of their hate.

Neither did Baekhyun deserve any of the harsh and malicious words that were launched at him, because even though Jongdae had an easier time with his singing, Baekhyun had just as much to offer as his voice was different, but just as beautiful. However, due to SM’s perchance to using songs with ranges that only suited a percent of the talent SM had, Jongdae knew how difficult Baekhyun practiced to bridge the gap between them, working tirelessly to reach those high notes that Jongdae did so effortlessly so he could do them just as well, without his voice cracking in the process like it usually did now.

But what twisted his heart the most were the insensitive comments about how he should die, how he should take a blade and stab himself in the chest for letting the other members down and that if he couldn’t be there for every performance, it was better if he wasn’t around anymore at all.

68. [ +24 - 2 ] Chen should just shank himself and die.

Feeling his insides clench painfully and the desire to throw up the soup he had eaten earlier for dinner from Kyungsoo’s doing, he shakily closed his laptop before breathing heavily and forcing his fists against his eyes to keep himself from crying.

He knew people could be hurtful, that people would try to do everything in their power to be spiteful, but for someone to say he should die for missing group performances, interviews, radio shows, and some of the variety shows he had been scheduled for made it feel like his heart was bleeding.

His throat felt like it was closing up until he could hardly breathe, it rearing its ugly head to make him feel horrible, shameful, and even disgusting that he couldn’t help but wish that he had never had gotten sick, that he had never had gotten laryngitis.

He could only hope that that was all it was, because if it wasn’t, he wouldn’t know how to take it. Because karma and whatever higher being out there couldn’t be that hateful towards him, they couldn’t be so willing to possibly take everything away from him when things had barely even started.

It just couldn’t be possible, but thinking back to the comments, the hatred in their words towards him and his friends, he would do anything in his power to not make the doctor’s words so, to not lose his voice (anything but that), but sadly, life didn’t always work out that way.

Looking at the contents in the cart and seeing an assortment of vegetables, meat, and some other kitchen essentials, Jongdae couldn’t help but smile a bit, even if he felt a bit cold near the frozen food section.

He was bundled up in various layers, the clothes doing everything they could to keep him warm while he was out, but the sweatshirt and scarf combination he was wearing wasn’t that strong enough when versed with the artificial coldness the grocery store freezers created. A notepad and pen hung around his neck from a makeshift necklace made out of one of Jongin’s shoelaces, the items situated just under his rib cage in a position where he could easily use them whenever he needed to conversate with those around him.

Jongdae had finally been able to convince one of the managers to get him out of the dorm for a bit as he found himself going stir crazy from being cooped up in his room for too long, doing nothing but just... Nothing, resting as everyone else considered it. Netizen comments and repeated movies and tv series doing everything they could to get him out of the room, while the stale air felt as if it had been choking him for days on end. So when one of the managers mentioned something about getting some groceries for the boys, Jongdae immediately attacked the situation and attached himself to the man, begging the man to let him come along. Making sure to look a bit pitiful with his still rosy cheeks and remembering to put into use a bit of Tao’s aegyo face while he had a notepad and pen in hand, furiously writing in it to speak as he still couldn’t use his voice yet (even though he so desperately wanted to), the man took pity on him and his plight.

Telling the boy to change into warm clothes, Jongdae could only give the man a warm and bright smile before bounding off to his room to grab the nearest clothes he could find, completely elated by the fact that he was going to be able to do at least something productive for the first time in last few days or so. Not caring if they didn’t match or that he was actually using Joonmyun’s clothes rather than his as the older boy’s had been more accessible as they had been on the floor, he found himself by the door within minutes, proudly slinging his makeshift necklace around his neck.

Seeing the boy dressed in layers upon layers of long sleeves and other warm clothes, scarf wrapped around his neck and beanie tugged down past his ears, the manager gave the boy a pair a boots and the two quickly found themselves walking to the nearest grocery store a couple blocks down from the dorm. They were lucky that it was a fairly cold day and seeing as he was bundled up in so many layers, no one really paid much attention to either of them. Once they had arrived to the store, Jongdae had already taken note of things they needed, thinking back to conversations that he had with Kyungsoo and Yixing about the meals they liked to make and what each dish needed, he couldn’t help but smile at the completed list of items, prepared to do the shopping well and not forget anything the others may need.

Seeing quite a few items that they needed were scattered all around the store, he quickly showed the list to manager-hyung, special puppy eyes pleading at the older man to let them get everything they needed and for him to possibly get the chance to walk around the store by himself for a bit. Using tricks he had learned from Sehun, Tao, and Jongin, he did his best to emote what he wanted, trying to look as cute as possible while carefully hiding the Cheshire grin that wanted to break across his face when he noticed the older’s eyes softening a little towards him.

The manager could only look at Jongdae and quietly answer his questions, allowing the boy to do what he wanted and knowing very well how the boy hadn’t been taking things that well, especially when Joonmyun and Kris were looking after him like hawks in their spare time. Finding himself telling Jongdae that he could go around by himself for a few minutes to get what he thought they needed, he didn’t forget to mention that after ten minutes, he would be by his side for the rest of the time and that they would finish the grocery shopping together.

Grinning from ear to ear, Jongdae had almost skipped the rest of the way into the grocery store, not caring that he still felt sick and that it probably wasn’t the best for him to be overworking his body like that, but he was too happy to care. He was getting to do things on his own for a bit, getting a short amount of social time that he had been lacking for the past couple of days, and most importantly was the fact that he had been allowed to go outside, probably making this the best day he had in weeks and he wasn’t going to let his sickness get him down anymore than it had been doing.

Going around the store, leaning against the cart and letting himself glide across the aisles with all the familiarity he had, Jongdae found himself checking off the things on his list with a smug almost cat-like smile on his lips. Not caring that he looked like a hyperactive child, the singer allowed himself the small bit of freedom, promising himself that when he got back to the dorm he would make food for everyone with this chance to make himself a bit useful, even if his cooking skills were as limited as most of them were.

Knowing he could at least make a vegetable curry and some fried rice for the others to let them rest for the night and give Kyungsoo and Yixing a break, the boy went through his cart to figure out what else he needed to make the simple dish. That task was relatively easy as all he needed was to find a box of curry, heading off in the direction to the aisle with soup and stew mixes and grabbing a couple of boxes of mild curry mix. Feeling fairly satisfied and becoming more confident by the second with the idea, he went off to get manager hyung to collect the rest of the things they needed to pay for. The singer was completely unaware of the fact there were unwanted eyes that had recognized him and were now tracking his every movement inside of the store.

Now feeling more satisfied and happier with himself than he had ever since that fateful visit to the doctors, Jongdae quickly offered his services again to the manager just after they had finished paying for their groceries, taking several of the bags in hand regardless of how the man kept mumbling about how they weren’t anything to carry around. The boy refused the man’s gesture though as he hadn’t been able to do anything recently and felt that he needed to start redeeming himself in his own eyes and in the eyes of others. He hoped by doing these small tasks like buying groceries or even cooking the others food, the gestures would hopefully add up to slowly rebuild his confidence, self-esteem, and get rid of that feeling of being powerless ever since he was confined to bed rest.

So lost in his own happy thoughts that he didn’t even notice the small gaggle of girls situated not too far away from him had now grown to start whispering among themselves, sharp and critical eyes narrowing at the two of them as they stepped outside the doors, the girls silently following after them as well. It was barely a moment later into their walk that Jongdae had finally noticed his manager-hyung tense up and whip his head around, frowning and glaring at the slowly growing mass of people who seemed to be trying to subtly follow them.

Following the older man’s actions, the singer couldn’t help but let his curiosity pip up for a moment before in a gasp and letting his eyes widen at the obvious signs that they were fans, their phones pulled out and aimed in his direction. The way they seemed to be either giggling or gazing with dreamy eyes at him with an obliviousness to everything else around them besides their interest in him should have peaked his notice earlier, the power of their gazes being a clue he should have noticed that would have told him that he and manager hyung hadn’t been alone for quite some time. His sudden joy at being useful putting him off guard, as well as keeping him from realizing that they were being followed by some fans. This time being a bit different than usual as there was a lot more frowning and glaring going on than what he was used to, whispers being exchanged between them as he felt his arm being gently grabbed as the man beside him nonverbally urged him to continue walking faster away from them and ignore the girls as much as he could.

It was difficult for Jongdae to accept what was going on, his happy daze from the last few minutes easily being broken by these girls as he quickly obliged to follow his manager’s cues and spur his feet to move faster, keeping his eyes straight ahead of him. He told himself to to not take the chance and look back at the crowd that seemed to be intent on tailing them for the duration of their walk back to the dorm. The man next to him had soon found their presence to be more than either of them should have to handle that as soon as they stopped at a crosswalk, a red light signalling that they couldn’t go, while the crowd behind them continued to surge towards them, manager hyung angrily turned around as he used his entire body to order sternly, “We will not tolerate you following us like this, please leave us alone. We still have much to do so we can’t spend any time taking questions or giving autographs today. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but things need to get done and for us to do that, we need to be able to do our jobs, so please let us do them.”

The singer on the other hand didn’t even dare to look at their expressions, afraid of what they would be, of what he would find. Were they disappointed, angry, maybe a bit saddened about him?

The brutal and painfully venomous words that had been burned into his memory flashed again behind his eyes and all he could do was tighten his grip on the bags he was holding and take a deep breath. Closing his eyes and hoping that his body language portrayed an image of strength and stability to those around them, he let out the breath he had been holding a moment before. He didn’t need this sort of exposure right now, to have fans judge and criticize him again, not when the netizens had done enough to tear him apart already, using many weapons in their arsenal to discredit him and the band whenever they felt it was right.

Then he felt that same gentle grip on his arm appear once more causing him to slowly open his eyes before he was being tugged along at a more urgent pace this time, his manager willing for him to walk as fast as he could. It didn’t even seem like what the manager had said had any effect on the group, quite the opposite of what they both wanted as they made no move to step down. Even if he couldn’t see them, Jongdae could definitely hear them, whispers and quiet mutters of his stage name being thrown around as carelessly as leaves in the wind, but the sudden rush of traffic kept him from being able to catch anything else even with how much he strained his ears. What could they be saying about him? What would he do if manager hyung wasn’t dragging him away like this?

Feeling a sudden desire to turn around and give some sort of playful, snarky saying as he usually would in this type of situation, when he was still allowed to talk, was quite tempting in the very least. However, he simply continued to keep himself under control, simply hoping that they would just heed the words of his manager and not try anything to make him speak out to ruin all the hard work Kris and Joonmyun had put into keeping him from using his voice. But this control was short lived when instead of leaving the two alone, they suddenly got rowdy along the intersection, pulling and pushing the two of them, not caring if the light and crosswalk signs could change any minute.

Feeling someone grab painfully onto his arms, sharp nails and fingers digging into the clothed flesh to suddenly pulling him away from his manager, he wanted to scream, but managed to hold it back as much as he could. It wasn’t until someone punched his manager across the face and pushed him into the road just as the light changed, the man almost getting sideswiped by a car caused him to speak - no, yell with his throat feeling as if he had eaten a ton of razors, while his voice was raw and filled with raw fresh anguish.

“NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HYUNG?! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO MY HYUNG?!”

Gaining no replies from the fans as only one or two felt guilty in the very least as to what had just happened while the others continued doing what they were doing with what seemed like no guilt whatsoever about almost killing a person, Jongdae found himself using his voice. He might be disobeying all of his leaders' and doctor's orders, but this was something that he couldn't just let slip by. Calling out for his hyung and continuously asking the fans why they were doing what they were doing, not bothering to follow proper idol protocol in the least as he had just witnessed his manager almost die in front of him, the singer heaved a sighed in relief when he saw his manager hyung situated away from the road and relatively unharmed. The man was scowling as he raged relentlessly at the fans, doing his best to make his way back to Jongdae, not caring if he hurt people in the process.

One of his boys was in trouble and he was in no way going to let him get hurt anymore than he was, especially since he had heard Jongdae’s anguished screams for him, the action easily damaging his throat even more. The man just hoped that he got to Jongdae in time before he had to speak a sentence more, but when a few fans started to fight back, trying to push him away, he found no other choice but to quickly take out his cell to called the other managers on duty as well as the police.

While Jongdae could only go from being fearful and angry to being fearful and in pain again and again, his throat feeling so terrible that all he wanted to do was cry from the sheer pain, he had to resign himself to constant questioning along with some of the fans harshly groping his body. Hearing anger and hate in their words, many of them still angry for being told off earlier and angry about him letting the band down, all he could was to stay silent and keep the tears he wanted to now shed at bay.

If he had thought the netizen comments were terrible, being able to hear these people’s thoughts were even worse, almost everything that came out of their mouths sounded malicious and meant to stab him ruthlessly in the heart. Eyes widening by the second, heart beating a mile a minute, and his chest feeling quite tight along with the pain he was feeling in his throat, all he needed was his manager-hyung or someone to get him away from the rabid fans.

Because as they continued on with their comments, the boy found that he couldn’t bring himself to answer any of them as much as he wanted to defend himself verbally, all of his words stuck in his throat and being sliced by the figurative razors that lined his esophagus. He couldn’t speak without feeling pain and having all these eyes on him, wanting him to tell them what was going on and dispute their claims. Jongdae felt a bit sick, knowing he couldn’t answer them, knowing that they didn’t even deserve anything he had to say.

Feeling someone suddenly grab onto him and pull himself back and away from the group, he couldn’t help but let himself sigh in relief with most of the worry draining away when he noticed that it was Minseok that was holding onto him instead of the fans that had surrounded him before as the others and their managers rushed in to break up what had just happened. Kris and Joonmyun were both looking positively murderous, anger showing in their expressions like never before with eyes barely able to conceal their disdain and their shoulders so tense they could break something, Jongdae felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach.

He had royally screwed up.

However, before he could do anything to explain what had happened, before he could prove himself to be useful and redeem himself again, Minseok had dragged him away towards their dorm as quickly as possible, the maknaes’ of the group just stared at him with their gazes never leaving his form and eyes showering him with concern.

It wasn’t until he and the others got home that he realized that he had forgotten the groceries. The food had been damaged from the mob of fans, the simple deed he had done that day ruined, signifying to him how useless he was that he couldn’t even try to stop the thought that passed through his mind:

He was a burden.

“Jongdae! Jongdae-yah! Please... Please... Just don’t do that again, okay?”

With the eldest member’s round face easily showing him one of the most worried expressions he had ever seen the older boy wear with lines actually being carved in his usually youthful and babyish face, lines that weren’t there normally, Jongdae felt anything but well and fine at the moment. The day's events still plastered in his mind, body almost shaking at the fact, but he couldn’t help but agree with what the other male was fretting and worrying about over him, vowing to take his word and to keep himself from making the mistake he had. Allowing himself to give a deep nod and a downcast look of apology before sitting back against his seat and letting out a long sigh, Jongdae just wanted to smother his face in his hands.

The day in general had been tiring, mentally and physically more than any of the other days he had forced himself through when being an idol, even with the warm herbal and honey tea that Kyungsoo had made and pressed into his hands, hoping to help his sore throat. The boy’s signature eyes were widened in concern and his lips were being bit in deep distress at what had happened earlier, Jongdae couldn’t help but feel worse.

The motherly boy was being too worried about Jongdae’s well being that he didn’t pick up on the singer’s train of thoughts as he went on to give his own quiet words of care and concern to the slightly older boy, telling him to please rest up and take it easy for now. Even patting him on the shoulder for comfort (too worried about hurting Jongdae even more to actually hug him), Kyungsoo had tried to give his best reassuring smile, only for the gesture to be quickly forgotten and for him to squeak a bit when one of the other shorter members of the group came bursting in through the door, catching him off guard.

The boy that came tumbling in had just been able to drag himself away from the others who were still going over what had happened, managers still confirming everything that had happened to the police officer who had shows tribes just a few minutes before. The officer was quietly taking a statement, while Kris and Joonmyun were almost seething at the fact that the police officer couldn’t do much for them, even though one of the managers was heavily bruised and the swarm of fans that was only meters away were doing everything in their power to get off scot free, something that was working quite well much to the idols' and managers' dismay. Their rude actions were something that made all the members wanted to strangle them, knowing that Jongdae wasn’t okay and probably had quite a few bruises from their grabby-hands and inability to leave the poor boy alone. It also didn’t help that the boy had broken the rules that the doctor, Kris, and Joonmyun had set upon him, causing him to speak when he wasn’t supposed to and had gone off instead of staying in bed to rest. In total, it was a disaster.

While the boy that had burst through the doors was completely winded from running that he didn’t care about pleasantries or the fact that he could possibly knock any of the other boys over, he took no time to make an immediate beeline towards the now seated singer who was now silently sipping at the warm and soothing drink. Jongdae was trying not to think about everything that happened with the fans and all those what-if scenarios that his mind came up with.

Seeing the signature blonde hair as it drew closer, Minseok couldn’t help but turn on that adorable face he had that had earned him the famed nickname of Baozi from the blonde boy, smiling when Lu Han had rushed over and took a seat next to Jongdae. His lips were curled up in that unusual smile he had whenever it had came to dealing with the other oldest member of the band, knowing that even though Lu Han could be a bit rude on some occasions, he meant well and was sincere in his actions, which was the reason why they were such close friends. Because even with how terrible this day had turned out to be, Minseok couldn’t deny that he was more than glad to see Lu Han there, who was more than ready to hug Jongdae and smother him with care, that he was relieved and glad that all the boys had Jongdae’s back.

While Minseok couldn’t help but seem pleased with what Jongdae had given him as a response to the question he had asked as soon as both of them had came running into the room with Jongdae in hand, and Kyungsoo trailing along just behind. Almost immediately, the crumbling wall of worry came crashing down as he quickly took in a deep breath and smiled in slight relief to Jongdae, letting his eyes slide down and take the boy’s somewhat bruised form in, who was also being held in this awkward bro-hug that Lu Han couldn’t help but give the younger boy as he quietly admitted, “You have no idea how scared we were when we saw you and manager-hyung in the middle of the crowd like that... I... We... We don’t want to lose you, Jongdae-yah. We were worried and... Just don’t ever do that again, okay? Don’t give us another heart attack like that, you sly cat!”

Jongdae had sat quietly, ignoring the way Lu Han was crushing his ribs and the fact that Kyungsoo was still looking a bit worried towards him, his attention on Minseok as he poured out his worries and concern in the words he was speaking. Hands tightening around the mug in response and letting his eyes watch the older member confess with a heavy and guilty heart had showed the singer that the members were really that worried about him.

Now Jongdae was really wondering if he had been foolish to do such a thing, and as soon as he had seen the boy turn his eyes back up to widen at the last words to come out of his mouth, that was enough for him to feel his heart tug in such a manner that he had to continue his apology in another way as well.

So placing down the tea on the table and pushing Lu Han off of him, who just ‘humphed’ in response and mutter about how ‘Baozi always got Jongdae’s love,’ the singer easily gathered the now surprised Minseok into his arms and embraced him tightly, just hoping that he was conveying his uttermost sorrow for what he had done. He was heartfelt sorry for what he had done and as his voice was now truly invalid, this was one of the only ways he could express himself.

The body language was quickly understood by Minseok and before he knew it, they were now gazing at each other with small and relieved smiles on their faces, the older member chuckling weakly and returning the hug by gently rubbing Jongdae’s back as he continued to murmur, “Really, Jongdae. The best way you could help us out was just by resting and getting better. You didn’t have to go do such a risky thing like buying groceries to prove your worth to us, just be more careful from now on.”

Nodding, Jongdae hugged Minseok again, only for Lu Han to feel left out and announce “Group hug,” and smother the two, calling Kyungsoo, who was hovering around them quietly with a sweet content smile, into the hug as well. The youngest boy could only look at them in wide eyes and slowly allow Lu Han to pull him in, hoping the older member wouldn’t crush him or something in the process. While Minseok yelled for him to let go, jokingly telling the younger boy that he was killing all of them, Jongdae could only accept the hug for what it was. Smiling a bit, he allowed Lu Han to smother him once again, Kyungsoo now whining about Lu Han’s powerful hold beside him as Minseok could only punch the boy in the arm, their actions causing him to silently laugh, not caring if his throat hurt at the gesture.

But the moment didn’t last for long as Kris and Joonmyun finally barged into the room, faces clearly showing that they needed to talk.

Face downcast and forlorn as he followed the two into his and Joonmyun’s shared room, Jongdae could hear Joonmyun quietly mentioned for Jongin to leave for a bit so they could speak with him alone. As soon as those words were spoken, Jongdae’s heart felt like dropping to the pit of his stomach, nervous worry gnawing at the lining of it. Shoulders drooping and body hunching in on itself, the boy subconsciously tried to make his already short height even smaller, hands shaking around the pen and notebook he was able to grab a couple minutes earlier, knowing that he would need something to communicate with.

The singer just hoped that he would be able to use it to explain himself before either Joonmyun or even worse, Kris started on him instead. He shook at the thought of his taller leader starting off, knowing it took a lot more to test Kris’ patience and force him to raise his voice or even yell at the other members; if he began this conversation, it meant that Jongdae was in a lot of trouble. Joonmyun on the other hand, was more of a ranter and tended to let things get to him much easier than his usual disposition as seen on stage and in shows revealed.

So situating himself on his bed and pulling his knees up to his chest, body hurting a bit now that the adrenaline rush he had earlier was completely extinguished under Kris and Joonmyun’s hawk like stares, Jongdae just wrapped his arms around his knees to keep the shaking that threatened to start at bay. His knuckles were almost white from his grip on his notebook and pen, only hoping that he would be able to write what he wanted without shaking or tearing the pages apart due to the harsh grip he held his pen in.

He didn’t have to wait long for either of them to start, Kris closing the door behind them and blocking the three from the other members who were in the dorm. None of them were going to listen in to their conversation however, knowing that they would overstep their boundaries or felt that Jongdae needed to be spoken too. Minseok, Lu Han, and Kyungsoo had released their hug and allowed Jongdae go with the two, with Minseok telling them to go easy on the kid because even though he had gone against their orders, Jongdae had learned his lesson with the fan attack. The two had just nodded to the oldest’s words, but their minds were resolute on the fact that Jongdae still had to be spoken to.

The boy was supposed to be confined to his room to rest, instead of going off on his own with manager-hyung and buying groceries, something that wouldn’t have been a big deal normally. But because he was sick and hadn’t been at group schedules, it had turned into a madhouse. And seeing Jongdae getting pushed and prodded around, looking scared and unlike his usual calm self, while manager-hyung looked like death himself as he tried to push and punch his way through the group of fans left Kris and Joonmyun more than a bit worried, but quite angry as well.

Jongdae was supposed to be resting, not dilly-dallying around and thinking he needed to help the manger with groceries or doing things to make him useful. Because to them who had kept the boy on a short leash and spoken to the doctor, as well as witnessing how awful the sickness was gripping their friend, the boy only had to do one thing to keep them and the others happy; rest.

They knew it would be tough for the singer to sit still and do what they wanted, but they hoped the doctor’s words and the fact that he could possibly have vocal nodes made them think that he would have behaved a bit better and do what they said. All they wanted was for him to take it easy and rest so when it came to his next appointment, the diagnosis wouldn’t seem as terrible and daunting as it had last time. Jongdae’s whole life revolved around singing and seeing him go out of his way and potentially do what he had done to make it not so made them beyond worried.

For days - no, weeks, the boy had been doing things that kept putting himself in this hole, a hole so deep that if he didn’t watch himself, he would be stuck there, possibly for the rest of his life. So seeing everything that had happened that day hadn’t been good for any of them, but for Joonmyun and Kris, who had made it their jobs to watch over the rest of the members, neither of them were happy with him. And seeing Jongdae look so small and chastised without either of them saying anything made everything worse.

Joonmyun couldn’t take it, because seconds later, he completely tore his way into Jongdae, voice elevated to the point that he was almost screaming at the young singer. Kris simply allowed him say what he needed to say behind him, looking everything like the intimidating leader he could sometimes be, while Joonmyun just ranted and raved, pacing along the room, kicking his clothes out of the way as he spoke.

“Do you realize what you did today? Do you even realize what happened, how dangerous it was? Do you? Because from what I was able to see, it didn’t look like it at all. And the others? They were just as conflicted, especially after a tough day of schedules. Do you know how much you’re making all of us worry? The managers? The rest of us? I’m not going to say that any of us deserves this, especially you, Jongdae-yah, but I just hope that you understand the severity of the situation that is going on right now. Do you? Do you understand what we’re trying to say to you, what you need to hear?”

Joonmyun had then stopped in his tracks to let his eyes fasten on what looked like an even smaller boy than before, Jongdae doing whatever he could to try and keep those tears that were now threatening to spill over back as he nervously bit into his lip, worrying it. He knew that the shorter leader usually didn’t rant as much as he was doing now, and certainly never at him either as it was usually directed towards Chanyeol and Baekhyun to keep their ruckus down at night, but now that both of the leaders’ full intent was on him... It truly frightened the singer more than he would like to admit.

The two were appointed as leaders for some very good reasons, language skills and experience almost secondary to their ability at handling the boys. Some may think of Joonmyun being a pushover due to his more gentle nature shown on T.V., but when the time called for it, he could be just as stern as Kris was. And seeing the normally smiley and gentle hyung getting all worked up left the boy to simply hunch his shoulders and lower his head in submission, nodding his head furiously to distract himself from bursting out into tears at the words that came from his hyung’s mouth.

It didn’t seem as if either of them noticed it at the moment, or were simply keeping quiet about it as the atmosphere in the room felt as if it had grown dark and damp before Kris finally spoke up, tone having just a bit of a biting edge to it, “Jongdae. You should have known that many of our fans are extremely unhappy with you... And the rest of us. You didn’t have to endanger your safety and potentially both manager-ge’s and your lives out there like that. It was quite irresponsible of you to do so.”

To Jongdae, he would have to admit that Kris had to be more scarier of the two leaders. Even though the Chinese leader might have said less, his words were much more forceful and left a deeper impact on the singer. He should have known what would happen, all those words directing and pointing at the fact that he should have thought about the situation more carefully and understood the gravity of it better than he had, instead of what he had done as he had gone outside without a thought of concern towards him, manager-hyung’s, or the group’s situation. And now thinking about everything that had happened and knowing that the two leaders had said what they needed to say for now, even though they were doing their best to keep themselves from saying anything much worse than what they had said, the boy couldn’t help but feel as if they were right. However, he still wanted to prove his point of why he had done such a reckless and seemingly foolish action to go outside like that, to show them where he was coming from and make them understand.

Continuing to bite his lips to keep back the tears that were still threatening to spill over, one wrong word or two away from doing so, Jongdae pushed himself to hold the pen being clutched tightly in his hand in a more reasonable and usable manner, keeping his head bowed and face turned away from both of his leaders. He could only wish he could actually say what he wanted to say, to argue with them, but this was as good as it was going to get for him as the singer shakily placed the tip of his pen to the paper as he could hear the other two males shift closer to see what he was going to write. The two still looking peeved, Joonmyun holding his anger in just so, while Kris couldn’t mask the disappointment in his eyes.

Feeling their gaze on him, Jongdae tried to ignore their stares and the tremors that were taking over his body as he carefully wrote what he wanted to say, hoping to write everything he needed to say without them questioning his motives too harshly or getting any angrier than they were.

I’m sorry about what happened. I’m sorry that I disobeyed you guys and went out on my own, but I needed to go outside. I was going crazy in here while you guys were out and I needed to take a break from having to sleep or do nothing all the time. It was difficult for me to know that you guys were working so hard while I was unable to do anything, I just wanted to repay you guys back. I wanted to make you guys dinner and give everyone the night off to relax. I didn’t mean any harm by my actions, but really, I just wanted to help. Please understand that.

Reading through the messy scrawl, Joonmyun could just shake his head at Jongdae’s words, unable to process everything that Jongdae was telling him. The older boy could not understand why the younger boy felt the need to go outside to do what he wanted to do, when he could have easily had the manager get what he needed without causing all the problems that had occurred. For him, the best thing the singer could have done to help them was just rest, not have to go through all of this grief just for what, a meal, two maybe (before Kyungsoo or Yixing decided enough was enough and started cooking again)?

“Jongdae-yah, I know you were trying to help, but that has to be the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard, maybe even a bit selfish too when you could have easily just had manager-hyung get you the food you needed instead of traveling to the grocery store with him. I know you were trying to mean well, but the best thing you could have done for us was just listen to the doctor’s and our orders. Because now after everything that had happened today, you probably screwed your voice up even worse, which was something neither Kris nor I had wanted. We wanted you to get better not go off having fun and making us food as if you had to play house!”

Jongdae could only stare at Joonmyun in shock before he carefully brought his notebook and pen back to his lap so he could write some more, still holding onto the hope of explaining himself better, because hearing Joonmyun almost twist his words into something else entirely made him want to make the leader to understand. However, before he could even write another letter down, Kris joined in, words just as cutting, but holding just as much misunderstanding, or was it truth on their parts, as he replied to Jongdae’s words.

“Joonmyun’s right and for you being twenty-one years old and at an age where you should know to consider your health first, especially when management is letting you take the break you need, and for you to go off and do what you have done is inexcusable. I understand that you’re sorry, but it doesn’t take away the fact that you made all of us worried with your actions and could have easily done what you had wanted without all the fuss of going to the store. You’re an adult and we all treat you as such, but for what you have done today, it seems as if you want to be treated as a child, because endangering your life like that is not adult-like behavior, it’s actually quite selfish.”

Hands shaking at Kris’ statements, Jongdae couldn’t help but blanch at the thought that both of them thought he was selfish, that he was acting like a child. The tears were now nearly breaking at their dam, luckily still bending his head down so that neither of the leaders could see them. He didn’t need to cry now, not when Kris’ words made him feel as if he was a child, and adults do not cry over something like this.

Furiously writing something down before the two could speak even more, he wrote:

I wasn’t trying to be selfish, I wasn’t. I just wanted to help and I know I didn’t think things through, but my intentions were good. They were. So please don’t say that. Please don’t tell me I’m selfish when I’m not. Please.

“Then what would you call it Jongdae? What would you call going to the store in your condition for something like trying to cook us dinner when manager was just as able bodied to go on his own. You could have waited the twenty minutes it took him to get to the store, grab what you needed, and walk back. So tell us why you couldn’t do that, when it’s obvious that you wanted to get out of the dorm yourself. Was dinner even your first thought? Or was it secondary as you and manager-hyung walked there? Don’t tell me it was first because we’ve already exchanged words with manager-hyung and know that you spent a good amount of time at trying to convince him to let you go with him.”

So maybe it wasn’t Jongdae’s first thought at that moment now that he was thinking about it again, maybe it wasn’t even his second thought, but if he wouldn’t have went to the store, he wouldn’t have thought about it at all and would have just stared at the computer screen for another couple of hours instead. He would have sat staring at the thing, trying to download every netizen comment there was and feel even worse than he was feeling now, and he would be doing that alone, with no one around to tell him any different. He would have thought about his sickness and how scared he was, but was too afraid to admit that fear, because he didn’t want to believe that he could possibly lose his voice, that it could actually be his fault for letting things get as bad as they were. He would have continued to think about a multitude of things that would have eaten away at his mind just as maggots would have at a piece of meat left outside.

However hearing two of his emotional supports, his hyungs, tell him how wrong he was, how selfish he had been, not even caring to listen to what he needed to say and understand where he was coming from, the boy couldn’t take it anymore. Feeling his notebook and pen drop from his hands, Jongdae shakily brought his hands to cover his eyes to hide the tears that he couldn’t keep from falling anymore, the emotional walls he had put up now shattering and letting the flood of emotions flow from his eyes, shoulders shaking at the effort to contain his sobs. He couldn’t help but think about everything that had happened that day, everything that had happened within the past couple days, everything that had happened since he went to the doctor, every thought and emotion feeling so much stronger than they had felt before, everything compounding against each other until it felt like he had more than a million pounds settling across his shoulders, unable to stop the sob that escaped from his throat.

Hearing his hyungs’ voices being repeated in his head, their words interweaving themselves into netizen comments and emotions he so desperately tried not to feel or remember, Jongdae couldn’t stop himself from entering that dark and scary place in his head that he had been avoiding at all costs. He didn’t want to be there, as most of his senses were just dulled enough to combat with the sudden intensity and pain that erupted from his heart as each and every despairing thought left him barely able to breathe.

He didn’t want his hyungs to be mad at him. He didn’t want his fans to be mad at him for disappearing and causing problems for EXO. He didn’t want the younger members of the group who looked up to him to be angry at him for being selfish, terrible, and unable to listen to those that cared about him.

He didn’t want to be sick. He didn’t want his throat to hurt as if hydrochloric acid was burning his throat from the inside out, scarring him forever. He didn’t want to feel like he had to spend every waking moment in bed, doing his best to rest and get better, when he should be out doing his dream.

He didn’t want his voice to be taken away.

He didn’t want any of that, because he didn’t understand what he had done wrong and why he was continuing to do so.

He just wanted everything to go back to normal, to return to the days where he wasn’t sick, his throat wasn’t hurting, and that he didn’t have to fear losing the only thing he would die to protect.

Jongdae’s sobs shook his entire being, his sudden actions easily spooking Kris and Joonmyun, who had just moments before had torn into his fragile ego, too worried and angry to be what Jongdae so desperately needed. The boy’s crying shaking them awake from intimidating, uncaring leaderland, and turning on their protective instincts, quickly extinguishing the anger they felt as they rushed to Jongdae to soothe his tears.

Holding the boy and softly telling him that they were sorry, that they didn’t mean to make him cry, and that they were just worried about his wellbeing, the two leaders tried to get Jongdae to put an end to his tears, worried that the crying would hurt his throat. The stony faced glaciers were now gone, as Kris softly caressed his hair while the boy held onto Joonmyun, Jongdae’s hands clenching against his shirt to help ground him as he continued to cry.

Minutes passed with the two looking a bit guiltily at each other for bringing Jongdae to tears like this that when the boy finally stopped, hiccuping softly and sniffling away the last of the tears before they quietly had their conversation again, this time the two more willing to understand and accept Jongdae’s reasons for what they were. The two leaders had him tell them everything that he had been keeping to himself for the past few days, what he had been feeling, and why he had done what he had done, his notebook being filled with words upon words as they continued to ask, Jongdae’s hands cramping from the constant writing. It was almost an hour later that they came to an complete understanding from his perspective and realizing how bad Jongdae had it, the boy stuck in his room alone with no one to talk to and explain everything that he had allowed to dig itself into his brain and pupate there until everything became too much.

Just one look between them and they came to a conclusion in unison, vowing to take care of the boy better from now on and let him have some freedom he had been so desperately been deprived from, finally allowing the quite exhausted boy to sleep and get his well earned rest. Tucking him in as loving parents would and softly telling him goodnight, the two left the room as Jongdae finally closed his eyes, feeling a bit better than he had been feeling in days.

Maybe in total, today wasn’t that bad actually. Maybe this whole thing wasn’t that bad. Maybe there was a hope that his voice wasn’t that bad. At first, he had been wandering in the dark alone, stumbling over hidden obstacles and roadblocks by himself, but now... Now that the rest understood what he was going through, Jongdae thought he could see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, fear long gone from his mind.

For the first time in days, Jongdae could feel himself smile faintly, a true smile filled with content, he allowed himself to fall asleep, only good dreams were had that night.