"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
 

Jae’s POV

Ok, I think I’m losing mind! Why did I choose to go here? Why did I go to a temple, especially when it’s only a day before New Year’s Eve??  I think I’m going nuts! No one even knows where I am even my family or manager doesn’t have any clue where I am right now! Fortunately, I have my 1 week vacation.

‘What am I doing? ...’, I sighed.

‘Are you ok, young man?’, the old monk in his 80’s asked.

‘Ah yes!’, I replied politely.

‘That’s good. Oh and please change your clothes with this’, he said as handed me a temple robe.

‘Ah yes, thank you’, I said while bowing politely.

‘I-I’ll just change into this Seonim’, ( ‘seon’,’seonim’ is monk in Korean) I said as I went to the bathroom to change.

‘Maybe it’s a good thing I went here? Maybe this is a chance for reflection on everything that happened? Maybe I can find my answers here?’, I asked myself while changing.

Once I finished changing I went to the prayer room where the old monk was waiting for me. It’s only the two of us as the other monks have duties to do. It was awkward.

‘Hmm young man, may I ask, have I seen you before?’, he asked which startled me.

‘Does he know me?’, I asked myself. Oh wait! He probably saw me on TV before!

‘Ah probably seonim, I ahh… I’m a celebrity seonim’, I admit embarrassingly.

‘Ahh so that’s why’, he replied.

‘So why does a celebrity like you chose to go to the temple when New Year’s Eve is right on the corner?’, he asked with an amused smile.

‘Ahh… I ahh.. need a peaceful place to reflect on some stuff’, I replied, flustered.

‘Hmm… I see, young man may I know your name?’, he asked gently. Thank Buddha, he didn’t press the topic on why I am here anymore because even I’m clueless.

‘Kim Jaejoong, seonim’, I answered politely.

‘Well, Jaejoong-shi we will have our dinner at 7pm until then please spend your time here, peacefully. You may also see our garden, if you’d like’, he said as before he slowly went out.

‘So, Kim Jaejoong any plans?’, I asked myself.

‘Hmmm…hmmm…I’ll just sleep!’, I decided immediately. I lied down the warm floor and just slept like a log. It was peaceful and warm. My mind was in clouds as I slept.

‘Jaejoong-shi? Jaejoong-shi? Young man, it’s time for dinner’, I heard the old monk say as I stir up.

‘Young man it’s time for dinner’, he repeated and I woke up.

‘Ah! I’m so sorry seonim I slept here!’, I apologized.

‘Ah don’t worry child, the home of Buddha is very peaceful that even I fall asleep from time to time’, he said while laughing gently.

‘Ah yes’, I said.

‘Well come on, it’s time for dinner. I know you might be very hungry right now’, he said while smiling.

‘Ah no not really’, I denied but my stomach didn’t as it grumbles loudly and the old monk just chuckled as he led me to their dining room.

I ate dinner with the old monk and the other monks as well. I found out that the old monk is actually the oldest monk here in this temple and that he is also the main chief monk here. They gave me lots of food that my stomach was so full that it might burst anytime. After we ate, the old monk and I took a walk in their garden to digest our food. It was dark but because the stars were shining so bright and that we also brought a lamp, it didn’t seem dark at all. We talked while we were walking.

‘Seonim why did you decide to become a monk?’, I asked.

‘Hmmm because I was born to be a monk’, he replied.

‘Ey~ there must be other reasons right, seonim?’, I persisted and the old monk just chuckled.

‘Actually there is another reason’, he replied afterwards.

‘What is it?’, I asked with full of curiosity.

‘I was simply stupid’, he replied which shocked me.

‘What? How? Why?’, I asked more.

‘To tell you the truth young man when I was in your age, I was rebellious, stubborn, hard-headed and just stupid. But even so I knew how to fall in love. I was in love’, he said as he smile while reminiscing his youth.

‘Eh? Who was it? What happened?’, I said with eagerness.

‘Calm down, young man. I cannot tell you her name but I can say that she was a true beauty inside and outside. Every man in the village loved her and tried court her but nobody succeeded. One day, I saw her getting harassed and so I helped her. She was fragile as glass and pure like nothing in this world. I was afraid to touch her with my filthy hands but even so she held onto it as she cried. That time I couldn’t even move’, he said while laughing gently while looking at the stars.

‘Wow! Seonim your amazing! I bet she was head over hills for you!’, I praised.

‘She was but I couldn’t even dream about it so I believed that my love for her was unrequited’, he smiled sadly.

‘Why?’, I asked in disbelief. So, that’s why he called himself stupid.

‘She was out of my reach and we live in different worlds. It was hopeless so we just stayed as friends. My parents applied me to become her bodyguard and thankfully I was accepted. We saw each other every day, I was always with her. Close but distant’, he answered.

‘So what happened between you two?’, I asked while looking at him.

‘Half a year later her good father arranged a marriage between his colleague’s son, they were rich. Her father didn’t have any choice, they were indebted to them and to add up to that she caught an illness and she needed money for medication. Her family was devastated. I was devastated’, he said with a sad smile.

‘Did you stop it? You know, you two can elope together, right?’, I asked.

‘No, I didn’t stop it’, he said bitterly.

‘Why?! Seonim that’s…’, I was going to say he was a coward but I couldn’t.

‘One night, she snuck inside my room. She begged me to escape with her but I refused her. I was a coward, I know but it was the right choice for the both of us. I knew how much she loved her family and I knew that she will regret leaving them. I don’t want her to die with regrets by living with a man that couldn’t afford 3 meals a day and besides I don’t want her to live with someone she does not love because I don’t want that either’, he said in grief.

‘It must be hard for you to refuse her’, I exclaimed.

‘Yes, it was hard. I nearly died when I refused her. I can still remember her dejected back while she cried as she walked out of my room. I felt like I was stabbed more than a hundred times that night. After that night, I quitted being her bodyguard and went here. That’s how I eventually became a monk’, he responded.

‘So you didn’t confess to her in the end?’, I asked.

‘Unfortunately, yes’, he said bitterly.

‘So how did you find out that it was actually mutual love?’, I asked for more.

‘After 2 years, before I became a monk I decided to go back and tell my parents about it and if there’s a chance I would like to share the news to her as well. I came back to my parents and told them the news but I wasn’t the only one who has news. My parents gave me a hundred unopened letters and it was all from her. Not only that, I found out that she just died recently that month. 2 weeks before my arrival, she died while giving birth. I couldn’t believe it so I went to her house but her father told me the same thing. He showed me her grave. It was as if my heart is taken away from me and reality ripped it apart. It was difficult to even breathe. For days I stayed beside her while reading her letters. I didn’t eat nor drink any water; just there beside her while I read her confession. Every letter, every page engraved ‘I love you’, ‘Please come back’, ‘I’m dying my love’, and ‘I love you till death’. I thought she was happy, I thought she doesn’t love me and I hoped that she didn’t have any regrets but I let her die without knowing that I loved her as well and that I will love her forever. It took me 3 years to move on and I came back here. The head monk accepted me and I became a monk after 2 years’, he finished.

‘Umm.. I’m sorry seonim for asking… It was a difficult love..you must’ve been in a lot of pain huh?’, I said.

‘Yes but I know we will meet again, someday…someday’, he said, finally smiling gently.

‘Hmm..’, I was thinking of something, well ok I was thinking of Dara right now and I have no idea why.

‘Young man, loving someone doesn’t always go well. Some love needs to wait but most of the time you just need to go for it, no hesitation at all because if you take your time someone might be running ahead of you and that’s when you will regret it. Don’t be stupid and don’t ask for reasons why? what? how? Just go forward. You’ll know the answers when you get there’, he said as he stopped in front of a room.

‘What if I still don’t get the answers I want?’, I asked him.

‘Then you’ll live and die with regrets’, he said bluntly.

‘But…’, I was going to ask for more questions but he pushed me towards the warm room.

‘It’s late, young man you must sleep. Goodnight’, he said as he closed the door and smiled gently at me.

‘Will I find my answers?’, I asked myself as I fall asleep.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Guys I'm sorry my updates are really slow

heheheh sorry?? >.< anyway guys 

lets keep watching COMEBACKHOME 

I want the girls to win more bcoz they

deserve it!! :D I'm still waiting for more

Jaedara hints for inspirations >.< 

anyways see ya guys~~

-Love, Rako-chii~~