I wanted to wipe that smile off his face once and for all, and I didn’t even understand why. I hated that stupidly innocent, heartbreakingly cute smile. My chest tightened every single time he grinned at Ricky or laughed with Niel. Every single time that stupid smile returned to his lips.

Silly, carefree, and beautiful.

I couldn’t explain why.

Why I got so mad, when he smiled at someone other than me.

Why I felt so hurt.

But I knew it had something to do with that smile.

I watched from a distance, as he started to laugh and joke around with CAP, his eyes curving into half-moons, his arms waving around frantically in circles, as he failed to elicit a response from our confused-looking leader.

I couldn’t help but laugh at his silliness.

He was just too... too cute.

I attempted to hide my smirk, looking down at the ground, shaking my head. The familiar feeling of resentment returned, seeing his smile directed at CAP, but I still couldn’t wipe my own smile off my face.

Damn it, Chunji... Why do you have to do this to me?

“L.Joe!”

I immediately raised my gaze at the sound of his voice calling my name. I raised my hand in a casual greeting, and walked over lazily, trying not to show my eagerness to join their conversation.

“Here, let me fix your hair, we’re about to go on stage!” Chunji grinned excitedly, his slender fingers brushing gently at my black bangs. My breath hitched at his touch, a rush of warmth flooding my cheeks with embarrassment.

Why is he treating me like such a kid?

“There we go,” Chunji smiled widely as he finished, giving me one last look-over with an examining eye before stepping back. “Now you’re perfect,” he giggled, passing me a playful wink before turning his attention to Changjo.

As soon as he left, I let go of the caged breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding back, in a new gasp of air.

Damn...

~~

“Angel” was the last song we sang at our concert that night, and since we had performed the song so many times before, there was no reason to suspect anything would go wrong. But as soon as Chunji sang his first line, I immediately sensed that something wasn’t right.

His smile faltered.

Chunji’s stupid smile never faltered. Chunji was always confident, always smiling, eager to please.

I never thought I would miss seeing him smile.

I did my best to look away, to direct my eyes to the Angels in the audience, but I couldn’t help but glance back.

As soon as our eyes met, Chunji merely flashed me a feeble smile, empty of emotion, and weaker than any smile I had ever seen him show before.

A smile I couldn’t hate.

I didn’t hate.

I was scared.

Worried.

He turned back to the audience before I could say anything.

Chunji, what’s wrong?

I desperately wanted to ask him, but I knew he wouldn’t answer me. Not in front of the Angels, he wouldn’t want them to worry.

He was too perfect.

His first line ended, and he made it through the first chorus without stealing another glance in my direction. My mind was frantic. There was definitely something wrong.

Chunji’s smile had returned, and it was brighter than ever, but...

His smile...

It was fake.

It was strained. 

We broke into the second chorus, and Chunji’s voice swept through the concert hall, amplified by the speakers strung to his microphone.

There’s an angel in my...

His voice broke off before he could finish his line, his usually cheerful countenance collapsing to reveal a Chunji stricken by tears, his face contorted with emotions. My eyes widened in horror, an unfamiliar pain stabbing at my chest.

What’s happening to me?

My first instinct was to run to him, to wrap my arms around him and hug him like a child.

But I couldn’t. My feet froze, my arms couldn’t move, my heart could only pound harder against my chest, watching as Niel turned around and hugged Chunji gently, in my place.

Chunji was less than a meter away, and I couldn’t reach him.

Niel soon let go, his own singing line following in the chorus, and Chunji covered his face with his hands, his eyes red with tears, his body still shaking.

I reached out, crossing that one meter between us, to pat him gently on the arm. I felt like a terrible friend. I didn’t know how to comfort him. No words sounded from my lips, my mind blanked with confusion. I was too scared to do anything more.

The song went on, Chunji’s innocent smile having faded ten measures ago. By the time my rap came around, Chunji was biting back tears again. He couldn’t stop himself, his brow furrowed, his eyes closed.

My lines slipped from my lips, my part was over before I even realized I had begun. It was too much. Seeing Chunji in so much pain.

I couldn’t stand it.

But I still couldn’t garner the courage for that desperate hug.

As CAP took over the song, picking up the end of the rap, I put my arm around Chunji’s shoulders, taking a deep breath, and whispered gently in his ear.

“I’m here for you... Chanhee.”

He trembled against my side, lifting his hands to his face to wipe away the last of his tears, before putting the microphone to his lips one last time.

He began to sing.

His voice was beautiful, still beautiful as always, in spite of his pain.

I turned to him, wanting him to see my smile and gain some encouragement, some comfort, just to let him know I was there. For a brief glimpse, our eyes met, right before his last line.

He smiled gently back at me. That heartbreaking smile.

And for the first time, I realized how much I needed that smile to belong to me and me alone.

There’s an angel in my heart...

It was as if he was singing to me.

I could feel it.

Or at least...

I could hope.

~~

Byunghun, I don’t want to be myself anymore. I’m tired of life.

When his words flashed onto the screen of my cell phone, my breath caught in my throat.

His use of my real name, and the lack of his usual cheerfulness and overuse of emoticons scared me.

“Chunji was just touched by the fans cheering,” Niel had assured me after the concert. “We’ve all been working hard, but I guess Chunji was just really glad we were able to pull off a successful performance.” He had shrugged, patting me on my shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, L.Joe. I’m sure he’ll be fine by tomorrow,” Niel had told me.

Of course Niel was wrong.

Chanhee, I started to type, but the words wouldn’t come to me. Using our real names was too strange, too serious.

Another message interrupted my thoughts before I could finish my reply.

I want to give up. I don’t want this anymore.

My eyes widened in horror.

This wasn’t like Chunji.

I needed to know what had happened. I needed to help him. But I didn’t know how.

Don’t talk like that, you’ll scare me. Where are you?

I had to see him in person. Something serious was wrong, and for the first time, Chunji had turned to me to be the one person to comfort him. I couldn’t let him down.

I waited, heart heavy, for him to answer.

I don’t want you to see me right now.

Seeing his reply, I bit my lip, doubting Chunji understood the meaning behind the first part of my message. The part about me dying inside because he was hurt. The part about me being so worried I couldn’t stand to be away from him.

Tell me.

I closed my eyes and waited for my phone to vibrate.

You can’t find me. I don’t want you to find me.

Chanhee, just tell me.

I needed him to tell me. I knew he was going to be stubborn about this. I knew he wouldn’t want to tell me. Chunji hated showing anyone any weakness. He was too perfect. He would always appear to stay strong so no one would have to worry about him.

Until now.

I waited for him, my grip around my cell phone tightening with every passing second. A crash of thunder and burst of lightening outside my window drew my eyes to the storm I hadn’t even realized had been brewing in the night. I prayed Chunji was safe. I didn’t want to imagine where he was, what kind of pain he was enduring. The thought of it only made my heart clench.

Why hadn’t I noticed the pain in his smile before?

I was so stupid.

I stole another glance at my phone, nervous relief holding back my breath as the screen lit up in my hands.

Four words.

I’m in the rain

And that was all I needed him to tell me.

Grabbing an umbrella, I didn’t even flinch when the door slammed behind me as I ran out into the night.

~~

Where are you?

My chest heaved ragged breaths from my cold lips, my body shivering in protest at the water invading me from all sides. The umbrella w