Um, Hi. My name is Renae and my house is really smelly right now, but this is probably the happiest I felt all week because now I have an excuse as to why I am dizzy, why I won't come up to my room, why my face is buried in my pillow, and why my eyes are covered in a thin coat of fresh tears. I do not know much about sadness or the act of being sad. I like to forget things that make me sad, things that are negative, things that embarrass me because what's the point? I have beat up my commitment skills with my own fists in order to allow myself the ability to let go easily.  I let go of situations, memories, people, etc. I am faced with a new problem, however, that I am letting go too much. I let go of my grades, my friends, and my family. I have detached myself from motivation, emotions, and my security. 

I would like to take this time to address what has been going on with myself, to not you, not to anyone specific, but to me. I have so many stories going on in my head of 'shoulda-coulda-woulda-maybe-if-why-my-life-is-going-down-hill' and I need to pick up the facts and ditch the not-so-truthful-side. 

I do not want to self diagnose, but I may have Panic Disorder. I've done some research and I experience all symptoms. I have also read the stories of people with panic disorders and their troubles with panic attacks and I can strongly relate to those, but like I said, I rather not self diagnose (but I sure as heck am not going to a doctor or to my parents). Well, what is panic disorder? Panic Disorder is like going downstairs after working really hard typing up an essay, only to find a man with his face ripped open and covered in bloody screaming in your face. You are devoured in fear with no warning. All of a sudden your brain starts shouting YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. EVENTUALLY. ONE DAY. JUST FLOAT THERE AND DIE. FOR ALL ETERNITY. IN A COFFIN. UNDERGONE. YOU WILL NOT BE REMEMBERED. DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH!!! My panic disorder cause me to go into a depression at age 12. It started out by me just having a panic attack every other night. Then, I started to have them every single night and they last longer. Then, I had them every time I was alone. Then, I had them every time I was alone in my thoughts. Soon, I started having them all the time. I started to talk less and less. I didn't even bother to smile or make an attempt to pretend I was happy, because battling these thoughts was exhausting enough. People started to notice a difference. Subtly they tried to ask what's wrong only to be dismissed by my shaky voice reassuring them that I am fine. It slowly faded away but that is the lowest point I have ever been in my life. 

As a result I am the friend with no heart. I am known as the friend who doesn't like helping others. The friend that is there to 'beat people up' (My friends are s tbh). Since beating people up isn't really me, and clearly they had intention of discovering who I really was inside, I kind of became empty. I thought I was happy empty. I thought 'no emotions, no pain, right?'. I was simply breathing and that was all. 

And welp, this is when I intensly got into K-Pop. I've always known and listened to K-pop but suddenly these were my idols! I actually shared this interest with others! I guess that part backfired though because to this day, I am just simply the friend who listens to kpop. I am nothing more. I am a one dimensional character in their book of life. I found this to be okay though! I really fell in love with G-Dragon. G-Dragon thinks of himself as an , too! I've never 'met' anyone life him. I have never seen anything like him. And so my interest grew into what it is now ^_^. 

The Kpop community was and is great. I talked to people who were just as passionate about me and didn't think I was an , which was nice for a change. I've learned so more through Kpop, but that is a different story. Speed up to 2013, Happy New Year! New Years Resolution: Not to be that friend anymore. To help people and be more open. Not to let go so easily. So I did. I helped so many people and vise versa! I made great friends! I was at my most happy! But then they started to leave...they don't talk to me anymore...(I am using fake names so you won't have a clue who I am talking about) Sarah...Jenna...Cody...Thomas...Rachel...and Julie... have left after promising they will stay. I know, I know 'just talk to them', 'they probably are just busy', 'be patient'. It has been months and obviously I made countless attempts already to mend thinsg between us! These people were so important to me! I opened up to them and told them things I thought I would have to keep a secret to myself for all eternity! In real life, too, this started to happen. Now, I cannot let go so easily. Now, I am stuck. Now, I feel sadness. A new kind that I've never felt before. 

Even the one source of pride I had- art- gives me no joy. I feel so sad about my life. I feel forgotten. The mask I have wore for many years as finally cracked. I am here venting this out on here because I simply do not know what to do with my life. My idols give almost no comfort any more neither does anime or writing. I feel worthless, pointless. There's no value to my life and with each heartbeat I can feel my heart getting heavier. I think to myself everyday, 'Maybe one of them will comeback' But I'm afraid that, along with my motivation, my passion, and my intelligence, my sanity, and exo, they will never comeback.