All those years...
All those years...
HONK!
BEEEEEEEP!
The bus jerked to an abrupt halt. Many standing passengers were caught off-guard as they were thrown off unkindly. A cacophony of exclaimations, outcries, curses and mutters were heard as they regained their balance.
This, was only one of the many happenings of the morning rush-hour. No one liked it, at least most people hated it. There was, however, someone who didn't mind. Someone by the name of Im Yoona. Yes, that's me.
I'm weird, yeah you could probably say that. I enjoyed the long bus ride, I didn't mind the traffic jam. I loved it in fact. I wished the jam would just go on forever. I enjoyed just sitting on the bus, beside the guy who always sat next to me.
He wasn't particularly handsome where every girl he looked at would faint, neither was he that ugly till people's eyes would bleed when they saw him; he wasn't that outstanding that everyone that got on the bus would look at him, neither was he that invisible that simply no one knew he was there. He just had this, quiet and demure aura that surrounded him. And that charmed me the most.
I had no idea where he came from, neither did I know when exactly he started appearing; in 1999 I guess, when I was in my final year of college, not knowing what I wanted to be. I just knew, the seat beside him would always be empty. For me maybe? Nah, it was just a coincidence. Still the hope of that ever being possible at that time never failed to give me some comfort.
He was a teacher, I guessed, a math teacher. Or maybe a professor. I didn't know. He always sat on the bus, marking math scripts. Math, don't bring it up. It hadn't liked me ever since primary school. Neither had I liked it; it was a mutual dislike.
The funny thing is this. You know how love makes you do stupid things? Yeah, that was how I, a student who swore to hate math for the rest of my life, ended up taking a major in mathematics. My friends called me stupid, foolish, naive, gullible, blind — every other adjective, that could describe a girl who was blinded by love, but well, I guess that was just what love was.
I studied so damn extra hard for it, my parents didn't believe that I was their daughter. Finally I graduated, a year earlier in fact, and got a job as a professor in Seoul University. Boy, it was a long way from my house. But, nothing changed. I could still take the bus to the university. Or rather, I had chosen to, instead of just getting an apartment there. The long 3-hour journey simply meant I could probably find out more about the guy next to me on the bus, aka my long-time crush.
I clearly remember my first day of work. I had gotten on the bus, only to find him using his phone. I clearly remember, it was the latest model at that time, the Samsung SPH-M100 Uproar, the first phone to have MP3 capabilities. I found it weird that he wasn't marking scripts as usual, but I was definitely in no position to say anything.
After the 3-hour long journey, Seoul University was in sight. Both of us had stood up to press the bell, at the exact same moment. That moment, both our hands touched for a brief split second before he withdrew his hand.
You know, they say, contact with the person you love gives you this tingle down your spine (Well in a good way of course) and that the world would stop for a moment. For me, none of that happened. None of the said cutesy moments occurred, where the guy and the girl locks eyes and smiles at each other apologetically. In my case, it was more of... awkwardness.
I was definitely not the most sociable person on earth, neither am I now. I kept to my friends and never made any move to make new ones. I was scared and afraid in front of new people, I stuttered and literally would start shaking everytime I'm introduced to someone new. You could say I was socially awkward. It was no different in front of the guy that I liked. It was worse in fact.
The moment our hands touched, well yes, maybe a tingle did run through my spine, but that was not one of excitement, it was more of fear. Fear that I had done something wrong. I had no idea what was going through my mind at that time. I felt bad, awkward, sorry — every other word that was just the opposite of the usual. He muttered a soft 'sorry' and gestured for me to press the bell. I hesitated for a moment, but soon my shaking hand (and body, if I might add) reached over to press the bell. I pressed it, but it didn't go in. So I tried again, it didn't work either. What happened to the usual bell that was so easy to press, that I had enjoyed pressing over and over again when I was young?
I heard an irritated gruntle beside me as a hand reached out to press the bell. DING! The sound went, indicating the bell was pressed successfully. My hand was still hanging mid air, as my mind tried to process what had just happened.
"Excuse me." A voice shook my mind out of its thoughts. I looked to my left and realised that he was getting out.
As he leaned forward, an office pass which was usually hidden by his blazer became obvious.
Seoul University • Professor Choi Siwon • Mathematics Department
I'm not sure what happened from then on. I was in a daze. I was doing whatever I was doing without a single clue on what I was actually doing (oh god what am I even writing); I felt like a walking zombie.
All I recall at the end of it was that he was being offered a better job in some other country abroad — Japan, if I did not remember wrongly. And that I was supposed to be his replacement. There was a farewell welcome party and in the middle, I remember this lanky woman walking, or rather, running into the office.
"Oppa! Let's go now! We're already late!" She clinged onto his arm as if he was going to leave.
"Anything for my Fany~" He cooed at her before turning back to us, "I have a flight to catch at 11.45, if you'll excuse me."
"Awww... So fast?"
"Yeah sure go catch that flight!"
"Don't forget to come back to vist us!"
Responses were mixed while I just stoned there, trying to accept the fact that the girl beside him was his girlfriend.
"Yoona-ssi! Take good care of the students! If I find out you're not doing a good job, you know what will happen." He playfully wagged a finger at me and soon he was off, skipping away with his girlfriend.
I guess that was the last I saw of him. And I guess that was the end of the pleasant morning rides — I hated the morning jam since then. It was the end of those wistful hopes of mine to ever get to know him better. I realised, how naive I had been, all these years of my life, for loving someone that I knew, will never reciprocate that love.
But I guess that wasn't all that sad either. Thanks to him, my life had a 180 degree change. I actually worked hard for the first time in my life, found a goal, got into university, and got a stable job because of him. And of course, I met the love of my life, Lee Donghae, who I now live (happily ever after) with, together with two little brats kids who nobody can ever get tired of.
And of course, me and math are like the best of friends now, inseparable.
I guess, having a distant crush might not have been the stupidest thing I have done in my life.
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