Sitting on his bed, T.O.P stared at the crumpled note in his hands.  He knew he had to get the rest of BigBang together and look at that email DaHye had sent him almost a month ago but he wasn’t quite ready to face them yet.  Each time he had gone to log into his emails he had stopped then left the room to throw himself into anything that would pull his mind off his thoughts.  Whatever was in that email of DaHye’s was connected with YoungBae and Seunghyun couldn’t bear to think about YoungBae.  He had invested too much in YoungBae and even thinking about him was out out of the question if Seunghun didn’t want to be crushed.  It was eaiser, Seunghyun believed, to simply ignore everything that had happened.  He hadn’t realised yet that in ignoring all the pain of YoungBae’s death, he was also ignoring the help and joy YoungBae had given his hyung in life.  

Today Seunghyun had again tried to log into his emails but once more his fingers stalled over the keyboard.  Instead he had started cleaning the drawers in his bedside dresser.  At the bottom of one he found his old TODAE letter.  “T.O.P, some people say you’re insecure. Please don’t be, real V.I.Ps love you for your great sense of humour and the way you love and care for other people.  We love you for your personality, the rest doesn’t matter.  Please don’t be insecure because if you are then we’re failing as your fans.”   Seunghyun lifted his eyes to the picture of BigBang standing together after a concert, looked at the man next to him with his arm lightly across T.O.P’s shoulder.  In that moment of unguarded privacy, the façade of emotionless blankness he had worked so hard to build crumbled.  “Why?”  The word sounded empty, meaningless.  No one could answer him.  “It was because of your love and care as a brother that I could believe that note.”  His head dropped and this time not even Daesung heard the raw sobs breaking from his heart.

Daesung looked at the picture from that concert.  He was waiting in the lounge room after receiving a text from Seunghyun.  Daesung hadn’t seen YoungBae’s cousin DaHye in a long time and only vaguely remembered her.  Now he was here before the other members and wishing he had waited a bit longer before he came.  It had been Seungri’s birthday concert. A deep sigh pushed through his lips as he remembered just how invincible they had felt that night.  How much he had learnt about his own fallibility since that wonderful, agonising night.  He shoved his hand back through his hair then rubbed it viciously across his eyes, clearing his throat.  It felt so long ago but the month old pain had, if anything intensified rather than lessoned.  It was still there, burning through the background of Daesung’s life, destroying its meaning and constantly exhausting him.  Only a few nights ago Bom had stopped him in a corridor of YG Building and asked him with tears in her eyes to please start taking better care of himself.  If not for his own sake then for everyone else’s.  His lips had turned up slightly in sorrowful humour.  Something inside him wanted to reach out ot her, pull her into his arms and comfort away the hurt he could see glowing behind the tears in his eyes.  But he couldn’t. Everything he did spoke YoungBae into his mind and everything he did caused pain.  In the same way physical pain debilitated his movement, mental and emotional pain had debilitated his ability to care for others.  Although Daesung wanted nothing more than to reach out to Bom, he knew he had failed to help his brothers and the knowledge of that failure rendered him helpless to Bom.  Thinking back, he couldn’t even remember answering her.  He had simply faded away from her.  The idea of “taking care of himself” was sheer absurdity while the raging hollowness of YoungBae’s death was still slashing through his life.  Then there was the knowledge of YoungBae’s God that his diaries had so much to say about.  The picture continued to face him while Daesung felt that all too familiar blaze of confused discomfort twisting his stomach and wished once more he hadn’t been early to Seunghyun’s wretched meeting.  Above him all five sets of eyes stared unrelentingly down at him and he flinched as he stared back into YoungBae’s gently good humoured observation.

Seungri walked into the room and saw Daesung gazing up at the picture.  He had almost strolled into the lounge room after reading Seunghyun hyung’s text message.  It had taken him a few minutes to achieve the lightness but as he entered it was perfect.  As soon as he had laid eyes on the wounded figure of Daesung however it had vanished.  His pretence of easy uncaring seemed hatefully superfluous in front of Daesung’s defenceless anguish.  Slowly Seungri stepped up beside Daesung letting his arm brush lightly against Daesung’s side.  After the first few days of pain Seungri had turned his grief into a cool, business like front; producing another mini-album for himself and him into a relentless round of shows and interviews.  But Seungri had begun experimenting with drinking himself into oblivion at night and suicide was becoming an increasingly difficult thought to push away.  Seeing Daesung again after all these days Seungri was suddenly overwhelmed by fierce affection for this hyung who had always loved so sacrificially even in the worst moments of his life.  That slight brush of his sleeve against Daesung was his apology, and reminder of love. And all the comfort he could give his older brother.  “I’m sorry hyung” he managed in English.  Daesung looked down at him, tears in his eyes and Seungri felt the back of his throat ache as the most pain-filled smile he had ever seen curved Daesung’s lips in bitter agony.  “It’s not your fault little brother.” Said Daesung softly, also in English.  Seungri heard the empty grief in his voice and couldn’t speak as new guilt washed over him.  “I just wish it had never changed.” Daesung finished sadly, turning away.  Seungri watched him, remembering the words he had whispered on that doomed aeroplane trip back to Korea. 

“I hope, we never ever change.” And he too turned away in wretched self-condemnation.  Putting his back to Daesung, Seungri clenched his fists to stop his fingers trembling.  Daesung did not blame him; Daesung had never blamed him.  But Seungri felt the guilt as strongly after a month as he had the very first night when JiYong had swung on him.  It was still Seungri’s fault that YoungBae was dead.  He longed for a bottle of alcohol to numb the new waves of remorse he had not expected to feel quite so harshly this afternoon.  Although, even drunk Seungri could still see YoungBae’s eyes locked on his as his hyung had disappeared over the ledge of YG roof.  Just then Seunghyun and JiYong came in and Seungri forced his hands to relax while he greeted both men, his voice so light and cheerful they both forgot to answer him as they stared at him in surprise.  Hastily Seungri glanced down at Seunghyun’s personal laptop he was carrying.  “Hyung? You said DaHye noona sent us an email?  How is she?  I haven’t seen her for years.  She’s a journalist now isn’t she?  I wonder if it pays well.”  His words were pointless, empty drivel falling into air but Seungri had long since stopped caring about the words that came out of his mouth.  They were successful in fooling the rest of the world and that was all that mattered.  He noticed out of the corner of his eye that JiYong had both hands shoved in his pockets and knew his leader needed alcohol as well. He also knew JiYong drank much more than Seungri and more frequently.  With a sad half smirk Seungri sat down next to his leader, just close enough to brush sleeves.  He loved them all.  All his hurting broken brothers.  In a world of cruel harsh people living cruel harsh lives he and his brothers would always be a team.  True, Seungri wasn’t planning on ever letting them be as close to him as he had let them in the past.  But they would always be a team.  Real life didn’t allow for love. If you wanted to love someone then you had to do it with boundaries, cautiously and with a certain amount of callousness so when they were taken away from you it didn’t shatter you like YoungBae’s death had first shattered Seungri.  He felt that event had been the sledge hammer which had crushed his generous readiness to love.  Now he kept all people at a distance, embracing them all in hurried, professional friendliness but letting none of them near enough to truly love.  His practicality was paying cash dividends and true to the promise he had belatedly made YoungBae, Seungri took good care of the fanboys and the fangirls.  But Seungri’s life was as empty as the laugh he gave so often on variety shows. 

The sound of Seunghyun’s computer as it booted up, brought him back to the room he was in and he raised his eyes to find Daesung watching him.  For a moment everything was forgotten in the profound relief he felt at knowing his hyung understood and Seungri wished he could once again be the old maknae Seungri and sob on Daesung’s shoulder. Then Seungri broke the eye contact and looked back at Seunghyun’s fingers as they typed his password, opened the internet and logged into his email account.  Seungri was a big boy now. YoungBae’s death had taught him very thoroughly that life was fragile and trust was a heavy burden to pick up again after it had been placed on someone else’s shoulders.  Someone who could read your thoughts was dangerous.

It took a lot of self-control for Seunghyun’s fingers to obey him as he commended them to type in his email address and password.  Once he had actually logged in, he saw several emails from YoungBae that he either had never seen or hadn’t bothered opening because he would be seeing YoungBae soon anyway. Now they made him feel like throwing his computer out the balcony window then sinking into senseless oblivion once more.  But with Daesung beside him Seunghyun’s mask of empty detachment did not falter.  It had been in place for too long.  Opening the email he began to read however he soon had to stop reading out loud lest his voice give him away.  With one accord Seungri and JiYong piled over the back of the lounge and all remaining four BigBang members read the letter DaHye had put so much thought tears and prayer into.  For a long time there was silence in the room.  Each man had read the words and as they drifted back to their individual seats their faces showed the marks her words had left on them.  In front of them was a door, a new beginning, an opportunity to finally be able to live with meaning again.  DaHye had told them her own story, how she had watched the two coffins of her father and tiny new sister drop into the ground.   She had told them the bitterness she had lived for years then she told them about Jesus, how he had died to provide the answer to death.  How a person could have new everlasting life in heaven where this world no longer mattered.  YoungBae had had that and DaHye pleaded with the rest of BigBang to pray for it as well.  “You’ll never have any peace until you have God.”  She typed and Seungri found himself nodding in agreement.  He had no peace even when he was drunk.  All he got was a brief, troubled blackout in his hectic race away from guilt.  Could God really erase that guilt?

 The atmosphere was brittle while DaHye’s words hung in the air around each member.  Finally it was Daesung who leaned forward to put a hand on JiYong’s knee, his eyes reaching out to Seungri his while other hand rested on Seunghyun’s shoulder.  “I’ve missed us all so much.  She tried it and she’s alive and happy.  Please, let’s try and find real life?”

Again there was silence. Then Seunghyun slowly, reluctantly, reached to drape one arm over Daesung’s shoulder.  JiYong pulled one hand up to burrow into Seungri hair and Seungri finally allowed himself to honestly meet Daesung’s gaze.  The email before them held hope and a promise of peace.  BigBang, all four of them, felt their need of those two things more than anything else.  Could a letter beginning with God really release them from all the devastating pain and anguish YoungBae’s death had brought into their lives?  In that moment of refreshed honesty, BigBang saw a light of hope reaching into the terrible darkness thrown over their lives.

GREETINGS WONDERFUL PEOPLE, GUESS WHAT??  IT'S FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWWW YEAAHHHH!!! Who is else is as excited about this as me? >_< lol.  anyway... I know there are probably lots of mistakes in this and I cringe right along with you, but I just wanted it finished.  hope it's.... not terrible?  please PLEASE feel free to tell me what a rubbish ending it is :D  love you all, thank you for hanging with me til the end of this, thank you SO much. each comment I've ever gotten on this has been special to me and I've fangirled over each one accordingly. BIGBANG IN 2014 FIGHTING!!!!