Goose-bumps rose on Bom’s arms.  “You are still alive Daesung.”  She replied urgently and Daesung turned again to look at her.  The hollow agony shining dark in his eyes drove her back a step. 

“What is alive?”  His voice was hollow as well.  “Am I really alive?  This… constant burning, watching my brothers slowly fall apart… This can’t be living.  Maybe my body is alive but I think my heart is dead.”  Suddenly Daesung let his body collapse onto the bench, cradling his head in his folded arms and cried.  Slowly, with tears stinging her eyes, Bom reached out to rub her hands over his shoulders and finally to wrap her arms around him and hug him as hard she could.  That night on the balcony, she had gained terribly heartbreaking insight into the character of the man she loved but this was different.  This was a whole new view into so many dimensions of loss.  YoungBae’s death had touched so much, in so many and Bom considered herself profoundly thankful she couldn’t comprehend those dimensions the way Daesung was.

“Bom, Bom, jagiya… I don’t want to live if life is like this. I’d rather die.  They’re so hurt. I don’t want to see my brothers put through sorrow like this.  I can’t handle it.  I feel like a building that’s just had its’ supporting pillar knocked own and now the whole building is crumbling.  I’m crumbling in slow motion, feeling my plaster crack as chunks of my stonework fall onto my floor and cut great gashes into me.  I never knew something could, affect me so much.  I feel like I’ve gone insane Bom, this isn’t me.  I don’t… think I’m safe anymore.  Maybe I’m a mad dog.  They’ll have to watch me and shoot me if I show signs of attacking anyone.”  His voice was hoarse as rough, desperate wryness crept into it. 

“I just want to wake up from this whole nightmare.”  There was such pleading, such desperate urgency in his cry. The urgency sent fear into Bom’s heart.  Clasping her hands tightly under Daesung’s chest as sobs took control of him once more, Bom stared at the sink wide-eyed.  Bom was petrified.  She had no idea how to handle Daesung’s mental state and not a clue what she could or should be doing to ease the sheer agony he was in.  Bom was used to making people laugh.   She could act droll and put Dara and Minzy in fits of laughter.  She could tease ChaeRin into shortening a training session and she could sing her heart out in front of an audience while her voice portrayed any emotion she wished to feel.  But Bom had no experience in easing the raging, death-fuelled fire of… anyone; let alone Daesung.  Vaguely wishing she could be back in the dorm hugging Minzy as she cried in simple loss for her grandmother Bom felt Daesung’s body shaking beneath her and was once again frightened at the absolute fragility of this man who she looked to as a pillar of strength.  If Daesung was so unstable Bom shuddered to think what the other members of BigBang were like. 

“Daesung-ah?”   Daesung’s shoulders stilled as he held his breath to listen.  “Daesung-ah… you sang it.  You sang, ‘my safety cometh from the Lord.’  Why can’t he keep you safe?” 

It was a legitimate enquiry and Daesung snatched at it with pathetic eagerness to pull his thoughts away from the raging turmoil within him.  There was silence.  “Jesus said he was God.”  He replied, sounding as if the words were being dragged from the depths of great tiredness.  “So why did YoungBae die if Jesus loved his friend?” For a moment Bom simply stared at Daesung as she tried to sort through his reasoning.  Gradually she began to understand Daesung’s struggle.  The Lord, or God, said he was Safety.  Jesus claimed to be God.  Jesus became a human and loved his friend.  He had cried when His friend died.  But if Jesus understood love and grief, if Jesus was God, why didn’t God stop such tragedy as YoungBae’s death?  Bom was also beginning to understand something else.  Ordinarily, Daesung would trust God.  Daesung was a trusting person and his very nature would respond to the words in Psalm 121.  But YoungBae’s death and the other member’s reaction to his death had called new elements of Daesung’s personality into being.  For the first time in his life, Daesung’s natural tendency to submit and accept was being whipped into rebellion by the pain emanating from his brothers.

“Why Bom?”  The flat of Daesung’s hand slammed onto the counter top as his whole body accentuated his question.  “Why does God let this happen?” his words were trembling with passion and Bom knew that by “this” Daesung meant so much more than the simple act of a person’s body leaving this earth.  Included in, “this” was the pain of family, the pain of friends, the confusion, anger, blame, guilt, regrets, weight of other’s grief and so much more that Bom couldn’t even fathom.  Bom’s whole being seemed to blur into a knife edge of indecision.  Genesis was flashing in confusing pieces through her mind. Daesung’s gaze dropped from hers; weighted by utter hopelessness.

“God… didn’t… make it happen Daesung-ah.” Her words were definite.  Daesung slit his eyes to meet hers without moving his head from where it hung over the bench.  The intensity of his look almost frightened Bom into silence but her own mind was working through what he had just said and comparing it with what she had read in Genesis only the night before.  “God didn’t make death.  I mean He made everything... ah no!  He created some things to work of their own accord. I think.   He created the world perfect.  But in the Bible it says that death came into the world because of… sin.”  Daesung turned around so he could lean against the counter and folded his arms across his chest.  The silent strength and sheer manliness he presented, in such stark contrast to the vulnerability she had seen in him such a short time ago, distracted Bom momentarily.  Her nerves were at breaking point and Bom felt she wanted to curl up in someone’s arms and sob hysterically.  Seeing Daesung so utterly changed from the image she had always held in her head of him had been a huge shock for her.  But the longing she felt to be held and protected in Daesung’s usual reassuring calm was unchanged and so intense it took her breath away.  However, Daesung was waiting so Bom tried to drag her thoughts back to the Bible.  “You know about Adam?”  Daesung nodded, still intent on her words.  “Well, he sinned. When he sinned deliberately, the world wasn’t perfect any more.  Adam broke it.  Everything bad came into being when he sinned.  And when he sinned, he brought death into the world.”  There was silence as Daesung mulled this over and Bom felt relief seep into her.  Daesung was thinking rationally again.

“God said that because Adam broke his promise with God he would… live in sorrow.”  Bom’s voice dropped and she almost choked on the last three words but they were said before she could stop them.  She didn’t think Daesung would like hearing that he was to live his whole life in sorrow.  Especially after the previous minutes.  Daesung heard it in silence.  He was almost pensive as a sigh of thoughtful reflection heaved from him. Then a wave of biting pain washed over his face and Bom bit her lip. 

“Nae.  In sorrow.”  Daesung laughed sardonically; bitterly.  He had never been bitter.  Every blow life dealt him, Daesung had taken with a meekness that had never ceased to amaze the people closest to him.  But each strike had cut deeper and deeper. In the very early days there had been the struggle of being the ugliest member of an ugly boyband.  Although Daesung didn’t acknowledge that as being a hard time of his life, Bom often saw the quiet pain in his face when he was teased and she knew, all the taunts and criticism had left him scarred even though he himself strove to shrug it off as unimportant.  When JiYong had been accused of smoking dope Daesung had unconsciously taken the whole burden on his own shoulders and nearly had a nervous breakdown.  The continued stress of knowing his sister was in the army and could possibly be killed; the sorrow of reading his sister’s messages about a friend was had been killed.  The shock of going home for a visit and finding a school friend a paraplegic, bitter enough to spit at Daesung and scream that he should be dead simply because Daesung could walk while he couldn’t.  Then there had been his accident.  The second one.  The one that almost labelled him a murderer.  Daesung shuddered as he remembered the dark horror that time had been.  Yes, there had been a lot of sorrow then.  “Sorrow” Said Daesung again, dangerously quiet thoughtfulness in his voice.

“Daesung…”  Bom’s voice dragged him back.  “It wasn’t God that made death.  He made everything perfect.  It was Adam who wrecked everything.  He and God had a promise, like a contract.  But Adam broke it.  Not God.” 

“So… that’s it?  We’re just… going to die?  We’re all going to end up dead anyway for a sin the very first man on earth ever committed??  There’s no hope?”  Already Daesung could feel bands of desperation tightening around his chest.  Images of a bleakly hopeless world without hope of life were stretching through his mind, rendering life so abhorrent that he shrank from it.  Cutting off Bom who was opening to reply Daesung pushed away from the counter.  “I can’t… deal with that now Bom.”  He stopped running one hand deep into his hair, frustration on his face.  “I just… wish life was simple again.”  Without waiting for her to say anything else he started leaving the kitchen then stopped and met her gaze again.  “Thank you Bommi-ya.” He stopped, struggling for words and Bom felt physical pain as she watched his inherent politeness struggling over every other emotion.  “I don’t know how, I could have lived without you around to pick me up and make me keep going.”

For a moment Bom let him go then sprang after him.  Daesung’s words sounded so very final.  “Daesung!  You aren’t… You won’t, do anything stupid will you?”

“No.”

It was all he said, his back still her.  Then he left and Bom was left alone in the kitchen.  Alone with only his voice echoing in her head to smudge out the sound of his footsteps.  “Jagiya… Jagiya... Jagiya….”

Hi guys, I know this is short I'm sorry but I figured I may as well update this as anything.  next chapter will be other members again cause I've been neglecting them lately (mianhae!)
which member would you like to see especially??
Also, is anyone else getting really sick of this story?? CauseI am.  I cannot wait to get the stuffin thing FINISHED! it's getting really hard to find new emotions to write about although; I did go to a funeral a few days ago.  that was pretty... hard.  and I'm working on a suggestion from a comment so hopefully in a chapter or two I'll have a totally different person and a different view of Bae's death. 
HEY!!!  RingaLinga :D and DoomDada AND!!!! MISSING YOU 2NE1 IS COMING SOON AND I CANNOT WAAAIIIIIT!!!!
anyway....  thanks for reading, please do feel free to comment nad tell me eveything I ddi wrong and everying you want done better :)

saranghaeyo.  may God bless you all.