From the darkness, distant sounds could be heard. The sound of children laughing filled the empty space. Colors began to fade in from the black, forming a moving picture, almost like watching a movie.

 

 

 

Little Hyukjae’s kindergarten was playing in the small park across from their school.

 

 

 

The other kids easily bullied Hyukjae because he was small and a crybaby. One of the bullies stole Hyukjae’s lollipop that his mother had gotten him on his way to school. The bully smirked as he stuck the strawberry candy in his mouth and shoved Hyukjae to the ground. Hyukjae began to cry and it only made the bullies laugh more at him. They eventually left poor little Hyukjae alone, whimpering in the sandbox.

 

 

Hyukjae drew his knees up to his chest and buried his head in them. He had no friends because he was very shy and was afraid to talk to anyone. Besides, they called him names like “monkey” and “anchovy.”

 

 

 

Suddenly, he felt a small hand on his shoulder. Glancing up through blurry eyes, the first think Hyukjae saw was a pink lollipop. He looked past the hand holding the candy and to its owner.

 

 

 

It was Donghae, the new boy who had just moved to Seoul earlier that week. He sat next to Hyukjae and always smiled at him. They shared crayons together, but Hyukjae had never talked to him because he was afraid.

 

 

 

“Don’t cry, Hyukkie ah,” little Donghae said, placing the lollipop inn one of Hyukjae’s hand. “My umma gave me two, so you can have this one.”

 

 

 

“Th-Thank you,” Hyukjae sniffled. He gratefully unwrapped the lollipop and tasted it. It was strawberry.

 

 

 

“Call me Hae, okay Hyukkie?” Donghae knelt down and smiled brightly. “Let’s be best friends.”

 

 

 

And Hyukjae returned that smile with his own, gums and all.

 

 

 

The pictures froze and started to disappear, only to be replaced by new images.

 

 

 

They were in the same park, but eight years later.

 

 

 

“Here,” Donghae said, ing a small container into Hyukjae’s chest. They were sitting on the swings, not moving, but just comfortable enjoying each other’s company.

 

 

 

“What is it?” asked Hyukjae. He peered through the clear plastic. He took the blue cover off of it and flipped the container over. A silver ring fell into Hyukjae palm. “Hae?”

 

 

 

“I won it by accident at the game room. You can have it.”

 

 

 

“A ring?”

 

 

 

“Well if you don’t want it—“

 

 

 

Hyukjae shook his head immediately and slid the ring on his pinky finger, the only one it fit. “No, I like it.”

 

 

 

Something squeezed his chest it was pleasant, yet painful. Hyukjae stared at the ring, wishing it symbolized more than just “I won this by accident.”

 

 

 

He and Donghae grew older and were just a year from graduating high school. Yet again they were at the park, but Hyukjae was sitting at the bottom of the slide staring in disbelief at Donghae.

 

 

 

The brunette was looking away from him but in his hand was a rose.

 

 

 

“Hyukkie, I love you.”

 

 

 

Again, emotions flooded into Hyukjae’s heart. He was in shock; having hid his own feelings for so long without the courage of doing exactly what Donghae was doing now. He was beyond happy. If his fingers weren’t curled around the sides of the slide, he would have surely fallen backwards. But somewhere, in the deep abyss of his soul, something ached agonizingly. Wasn’t he supposed to be elated? Why did it hurt? Having your love returned was not supposed to be painful.

 

 

 

Donghae didn’t even wait for a reply. He could read Hyukjae like a book. He just knelt down and brushed his lips against Hyukjae’s. The pain worsened inside Hyukjae. It was as if he was reliving this experience, as if he knew how it would end.

 

 

 

A scene from a few years later replaced the previous one in the same park yet again.

 

 

 

“Hyukjae, I need to talk to you.”

 

 

 

Hyukjae was scared. Donghae never used his real name unless he was deathly serious. Either that, or when it slipped out while they made love.

 

 

 

Those memories began to filter into Hyukjae’s brain. Each one was filled with anguish, not from the physical pain, but the emotional torment he went through each time. It was as if each “I love you” breathed from Donghae’s lips was a dagger in his heart. Each time they became one, Hyukjae inwardly screamed for it to stop. He loved Donghae, no doubt, but something was wrong.

 

 

 

 “What is it, Hae?” Hyukjae asked feeling extremely nervous.

 

 

 

“Let’s break up.”

 

 

 

A crack splintered across the scene as if one was looking through a lens. The crack split Hyukjae heart as well. What did Donghae just say? Break up?

 

 

 

All of the pain hit Hyukjae like a powerful wave. He stumbled backwards a bit. “Hae? What did you say?”

 

 

 

“I said we should break up, Hyukjae.” Donghae’s eyes were cold, venom in them, something that Hyukjae had never seen before. “I don’t love you anymore.”

 

 

 

This was a cruel joke right?

 

 

 

“What? No!” Hyukjae cried. “You’re lying!”

 

 

 

“I’m serious.” His tone said that he was not playing one of his pranks.

 

 

 

“Why? What did I do wrong? Tell me and I’ll fix it.”

 

 

 

“I’m tired of you. My feelings for you slowly began to fade, Hyukjae. They’re gone now.”

 

 

 

“Don’t break up with me! I love you, Hae! Please don’t leave me! I’d do anything for you!” There was a weak, pathetic sound that followed. The tears that had begun to spill onto his cheeks blinded Hyukjae’s vision.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry that I led you on this long. There’s nothing you can do that will change my mind.”

 

 

 

Donghae had successfully ripped Hyukjae’s heart out of his chest. He was frozen where he stood, paralyzed by an excruciating pain. His body was numb. There was a nagging sense of nostalgia surrounding him. He almost knew that this was going to happen to him. The years following their meeting had been filled with painful pricks telling him that he would never be happy with Donghae. Why was that?

 

 

 

The brunette began to walk away, not saying another word. Hyukjae reached for his arm in desperation. He clung to Donghae’s back like a frightened child. Tears were freely pouring from his eyes. He begged, pleaded, threatened the security of his life, but Donghae refused to fully explain any more to Hyukjae.

 

 

 

“Please, Hae! I love you so much.”

 

 

 

“Let go of me!” Donghae hissed angrily. He grabbed Hyukjae’s forearms and threw him to the ground. “I told you I don’t love you! It’s hopeless! Leave me alone! I never want to see your stupid face ever again!”

 

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

 

Hyukjae gasped, panting heavily as he jolted upright. A cry escaped his lips. The heart-wrenching sound was both a whimper and a scream. His back hurt and he realized that he had been crying so hard that he passed out on the park bench. He clutched at his chest, still feeling the cold metal of the ring.

 

 

 

He had been dreaming, having a nightmare rather. No wonder each one of dream-Hyukjae’s happiest moments had caused him hurt. The real Hyukjae, re-experiencing the beginning and the end of his first – and only – love, already knew that Donghae was going to break his heart.    

 

 

 

That’s right. Donghae no longer loved him, no longer wished to see him.

 

 

 

And for two years Hyukjae followed that wish.

 

 

 

Every time Hyukjae fell asleep, the past would replay itself in his mind. Each painstaking memory would flash before his eyes and he was not allowed to wake up. His mind tortured him over and over again, refusing to let him avoid witnessing their final meeting. He was forced to relive the assault on his fragile heart.

 

 

 

Since that day, Hyukjae made himself sick. He couldn’t eat and each time he tried to sleep the same thing would happen. He felt unworthy of happiness. He got weaker and weaker each day, wallowing in his own personal fiery hell.

 

 

 

Why didn’t Hyukjae just move on?

 

 

 

He was incapable of hating Donghae. He still loved him with the same heart that Donghae had damaged.

 

 

 

Hyukjae loved Donghae and broke himself while doing just that.

 

 

 

It was the world Hyukjae had placed himself in, a harsh reality.   

 

10/25/10