Sunggyu's entry

Infinite's leader. It was something I never wanted to be. But now, I can't say that I regret it. Yes it having split my income seven ways, and just like women when one is PMS-ing they all are, and because I have the title of leader I have to rise above it all and make sure that my boys get along. But I wasn't ready for this. No one was. One of my boys was broken. What do I do? How do I fix the one person whose job it was to fix everyone else? This is so stupid. I don't see the point of writing in this journal. How will this help fix Dongwoo?  The group's therapist said that each of us has to write in this journal for observation purposes. Yeah, we started group therapy because we all failed our happy virus. Dongwoo broke right in front of us and we didn't even notice. 

The doctor said to think back to when we first noticed a changed in his regular behavior.  I knew he had been acting strange for a while now. The first time i can remember was...

~*~

The morning after our last stage for latest song promotions, I woke up a bit earlier than usual. It's not really a big deal for me to be up this early. I wanted to start planning our schedule for our time after a short vacation. The boys deserved to sleep in and this was the only time when it was quiet enough for me to get any work done.  

I walked in the kitchen only to see Dongwoo already up and dressed for the day.

"Woo-ah, what are you doing up so early? There are no schedules for today. You can go back to sleep if you want."

He didn't answer me right away,  "Dongwoo-ah, what's wrong? Did you want to talk about  it?"

Anytime he's quiet like this it means there is too much on his mind. But it had been a long time since its happened. He always looked for me so he can get whatever is on his mind out and sorted. He was never one to want to be tied down with to many thoughts about what ifs and regrets. So when something wouldn't leave his mind he would tell me about it and then he would be fine afterwards. Every time he had a problem he would tell me about it. Every time. 

"Sunggyu huyng...", he started to say. Then he suddenly shook his head, sighed and said, " never mind. I'm going out for a bit.  I need to think somethings out." He turned towards the door and he just left. No bye, no calling me Gyuzizi, no last minute scrabble back through the door because he forgot something,no anything. It was a bit strange. He must have a lot on his mind I guess. I went to sit down to finally start making plans and i hear another set of feet walking around the house.  Myungsoo. He walks into the kitchen and he looks upset.

"What's wrong Soo. Did you have a fight with Dongwoo that I don't know about."

"I didn't fight- wait. Did you see Dongwoo hyung this morning? how was he?"

"He seemed a bit distracted but other than that he looked fine. Why? Did something happen?"

"I don't know hyung. I'm not sure. But he seemed really weird last night."

"I'm sure it's nothing. If Dongwoo can't figure it out, I'm sure he'll tell me about it sooner or later like always. He told me this morning that he was goinmg to go and figure it out. So you can relax Myunggie. I'm sure he knows what he's doing."

~*~

I wish that I had trusted my initial gut feeling about this and I wish I had not brushed away Myungsoo's concerns like I did. What kind of leader am I that I just let things escalate so far. Looking back now, all of the signs was there. I just choose to ignore it. Ignore him screaming for help.  I should have followed him that day. I should have made him tell me what was bothering him. And now all im left with is my guilt and a broken angel in a hospital bed. 

PS hey doctor. I know you said that this would take some time but you will fix him right? Please I need - we all need our Dongwoo back.