You sat alone on the floor of the bathroom, your fingers ghosting over new and old scars that had mingled together. You took the razor in your hand and watched as it formed new lines easily, gliding over your skin and cutting through it like butter. You couldn't even feel the pain of it anymore, the feel of it far too natural. You sighed in relief as though a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders as you watched the blood trickle down your ankle. You learned quick that you had to do this somewhere where they wouldn't be noticed. You never showed off your legs.

You felt your face growing hot with tears as you cut another line across your ankle. You knew this was wrong, but it felt so good. You wished you didn't need this, but the stress and depression was far too much. You knew what he would say if he found out. He would blame himself and that's why this had to continue to be your secret. You felt so selfish and it made the need for release even greater.

You wished that he could be enough. You wanted him to be the reason why you quit, but it wasn't. You loved him so much, so why did you continue to do this to yourself? He had to be enough. There was no way you could want more.

But you didn't. You weren't sure what that more was but until you found it then your days would be spent like this. Huddled alone on the cold floor of your bathroom, hiding from the one person who could help you.

You weren't sure when it had all started. It had been before you met him—years before. It hadn't been your parents—you never fought with them. You were a good daughter, always respectable and obedient. You had the occasional bully in school, but who didn't? It's not like it ever really bothered you. You made good grades and were at the top of your class. You were pretty, or so you thought. You didn't have any serious illnesses or anything that may have triggered this behavior.

Or maybe it was just that. You were programmed to be perfect and the hard drive had finally crashed, leading you on a dangerous path of self destruction.

You thought things would be better after you met him, and for a while they did. You struggled to stop harming yourself, but it started back up the moment you could find a reason too. You had kept it up for a year, and no one even knew. Not even his fans who were excellent in searching every crevice of his life to find out all they could about him. They had done it to you as well—they loved you almost as much as they loved him. You were a normal girl who caught the heart of an idol.

Your thoughts consumed your as you grazed the blade of an old scare, reopening the wounds. You hadn't even heard when the front door opened. Or when he called your name as he walked down the hall. You heard the faint knocking on the door, but you brushed it off as a figment of your imagination. He wouldn't be home for hours.

You thought you saw the door open but you pushed that aside, too. Sometimes you would get so caught up in the moment that you would see things, or hear things that weren't really there. It was all part of your process. Soon you would fall asleep on the floor and wake up to dried blood and another reason to evaluate your lack of self worth.

You heard your name being called faintly but the voice wasn't registering. You moved to your other leg, the blade touching your skin when a pair of hands grabbed your wrists suddenly, holding them firmly. You frowned, your mind coming back to you as you slowly lifted your head to meet a pair of frantic eyes staring back at you.

Hongbin crouched over you, his hands still holding your wrists as you began to grasp the situation. Your eyes widened as you tried to jerk out of his hold but he held you still with surprising strength. You looked away from him but he freed one of your wrists to put a hand on the side of your face, forcing you to look at him again. His eyes searched yours, his expression carefully controlled.

“What are you doing?” He asked you quietly. You tried to look away from him but he put his other hand on the side of your face and continued to hold your head in place.

“Answer me,” he said. You could feel the anger rising in his voice as he tried to keep himself in check. He never got angry with you. You had only seen him angry once and it wasn't a moment that you would like to revisit.

You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out. You clamped your mouth shut as you gritted your teeth, averting your eyes away from his as you felt tears welling up in your eyes. This had been the one thing you never wanted. You never wanted Hongbin to know your secret.

You heard him growl in frustration, his eyes closing as he breathed in and out through his nose rhythmically in an attempt to keep himself from snapping. He let go of your face and shifted his arms underneath you, picking you up easily before setting you on the edge of the bathtub. You didn't look at him, your eyes on your hands in your lap as he the bath water and grabbed a clean rag. He started washing the blood off of your legs wordlessly, his jaw set and eyes dark the whole while.

Neither one of you spoke as he washed you off. He leaned over you to turn off the water, his face a mere inch from yours and you finally looked at him. You glanced at you, catching your eye before swallowing heavily and looking away. You thought you saw a tear, but you prayed to God that it hadn't been real. He grabbed a dry towel after turning the water off and dabbed your legs dry, being careful of the cuts you had left covering your skin. You had really gone a bit overboard this time. You were surprised that there hadn't been more damage than there already was.

He picked you up once more and you wrapped your arms around his neck as he carried you back to the bedroom the two of you shared. He set you on the bed carefully before retreating back to the bathroom to grab the first aid kit. He returned a few moments later and sat across from you, pulling one of your legs into his lap as he started tending to your wounds.

You watched as he dabbed each cut with alcohol, not even flinching as he did so. You weren't even sure what pain felt like anymore. He wrapped gauze around each one carefully, never looking at you. You felt yourself swallowing back an onslaught of tears before you felt your voice moving of it's own accord.

“Oppa..” you said shakily. He froze, his hand still hovering over your leg as he applied a piece of tape to hold the gauze together and he finally looked at you.

You continued to hold his gaze, your mouth opening to speak but no words coming out. You closed your eyes as you felt the tears forming and dropped your face in your hands. You felt him gently move your leg out of his lap as he moved over to you. He leaned against the headboard next to you before pulling you into his lap, your legs bent over him as he held you against his chest, his hand going to back of your head as your face buried against his shoulder. He wrapped his other arm around your waist as he held you tight, his fingers your hair as you made an attempt to calm yourself down.

When you pulled away finally, you saw that he had been crying too and he quickly wiped his tears away before looking at you again.

“I'm sorry..” you whispered, your voice shaking still. His eyes scanned your face before he pulled your face against his shoulder again, your cheek resting there.

He held his hand against the back of your head as he rested his cheek on top of it. “I'm getting you help,” he said simply, his voice holding no room for arguments. You closed your eyes at his words, a feeling of relief washing over you. You wrapped your arms around him tightly as he kissed your forehead.

“I love you,” he whispered against your hair. “So much. Please don't ever forget that. Please.”

You cuddled closer to him at his words, your body relaxing as exhaustion began to consume you. As you lay there in his arms that's when you realized that of course Hongbin was enough. Why had you thought any other way?

He would always be enough for you.